BIL is an addict

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Here are some more facts. My sister met BIL about 10 years ago. He stopped drinking apparently five years before that. I asked what happened and my sister shut down and was like it's in the past, blah blah. I feel like she's in denial of the real risk she and her kids are in[i]. This man is a walking time bomb and she's just carrying on like they are this normal family. It's just ... such a façade.

When I asked why she never said anything, she was like it's no one's business why he doesn't drink. I agree in a way (it's not my life) but I am worried and concerned. We always had a pact to never get entangled with addicts and here she is...married to one.

What are you talking about? They probably ARE a normal family. And how is your BIL a walking time bomb? Do you honestly think every sober former addict out there is a walking time bomb? Honestly this is such an awful attitude. You have some major prejudice here and blind spots. It is incredibly audacious of you to call their marriage a facade.

You need to seriously ask yourself why you feel entitled to such intense judgments towards your BIL, sister, and their marriage based off of finding out that your BIL is sober 15 years. This is a YOU problem, not a them problem. Furthermore, his sobriety should be applauded, not shamed.

If this is seriously how you feel, you will be doing them a favor by distancing yourself. But for the betterment of all involved it would be a good idea to talk to a therapist (if you want) so you can unpack your abhorrence toward sober people which a history of addiction.

[Anonymous]

Is this a troll? it kind of seems like this might be a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Here are some more facts. My sister met BIL about 10 years ago. He stopped drinking apparently five years before that. I asked what happened and my sister shut down and was like it's in the past, blah blah. I feel like she's in denial of the real risk she and her kids are in. This man is a walking time bomb and she's just carrying on like they are this normal family. It's just ... such a façade.

When I asked why she never said anything, she was like it's no one's business why he doesn't drink. I agree in a way (it's not my life) but I am worried and concerned. We always had a pact to never get entangled with addicts and here she is...married to one.

This post contains no “more facts.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Here are some more facts. My sister met BIL about 10 years ago. He stopped drinking apparently five years before that. I asked what happened and my sister shut down and was like it's in the past, blah blah. I feel like she's in denial of the real risk she and her kids are in. This man is a walking time bomb and she's just carrying on like they are this normal family. It's just ... such a façade.

When I asked why she never said anything, she was like it's no one's business why he doesn't drink. I agree in a way (it's not my life) but I am worried and concerned. We always had a pact to never get entangled with addicts and here she is...married to one.

This post contains no “more facts.”

I was thinking the same thing. More judgment and a-holery but not facts. We get it. Your mom suffered from alcohol addiction, and you suffered due to that. That doesn't mean that someone 15 years sober needs to be shunned. My god. What do you think your sister should do anyway? Preemptively divorce him because he's a time bomb? Shame him publicly so you know she's taking it seriously? Send a newsletter to friends and family with sobriety updates? What do you think is going to be helpful to your sister and her children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you are. This is exactly why she hid it from you. Nothing but judgment and intolerance.

+1

[Anonymous]

You're being very mean for no reason.

[Anonymous]

YTA, no doubt about it. I bet this isn't the only thing your sister has declined to share with you. I bet your kids have learned not to share as well.

My family is rife with substance abusers and tragedy. I've worked to keep dysfunction out of my adult life and have had to make tough choices regarding relationships. I get being wary. You, though, are unhinged.

[Anonymous]

It sounds to me like he had a problem, realized he had a problem, sought help and is successfully navigating life with a (dorment) addiction.

As someone who has dealt with a lot of addicts in my life, alcohol, drugs, sex, etc, not all are the same.

I've known addicts where it snapped, they realized what they were doing and got the medical and/or social help they needed, and turned a corner. I've also known addict who, like your mother, could never bring themselves to get the help they needed.

It seems like you are using your experience with your one - one individual who struggled with her demons - and are trying to find reasons why your BIL will just end up like her rather then accepting him.

[Anonymous]

What? He has been sober for 15 years! People have all kinds of issues - BIL dealt with his but somehow that’s not good enough for you?

[Anonymous]

Why are you concerned? There is no evidence that he’s a ticking time bomb or anything of that nature. People can get and stay sober. If anything, it shows he’s committed. I would not share anything with my sister if she reacted this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you are. This is exactly why she hid it from you. Nothing but judgment and intolerance.

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Here are some more facts. My sister met BIL about 10 years ago. He stopped drinking apparently five years before that. I asked what happened and my sister shut down and was like it's in the past, blah blah. I feel like she's in denial of the real risk she and her kids are in. This man is a walking time bomb and she's just carrying on like they are this normal family. It's just ... such a façade.

When I asked why she never said anything, she was like it's no one's business why he doesn't drink. I agree in a way (it's not my life) but I am worried and concerned. We always had a pact to never get entangled with addicts and here she is...married to one.

You had a “pact?” Are you 8?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this a troll? it kind of seems like this might be a troll.

Agreed. The second post laid it on too thick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Here are some more facts. My sister met BIL about 10 years ago. He stopped drinking apparently five years before that. I asked what happened and my sister shut down and was like it's in the past, blah blah. I feel like she's in denial of the real risk she and her kids are in. This man is a walking time bomb and she's just carrying on like they are this normal family. It's just ... such a façade.

When I asked why she never said anything, she was like it's no one's business why he doesn't drink. I agree in a way (it's not my life) but I am worried and concerned. We always had a pact to never get entangled with addicts and here she is...married to one.

Are you in therapy for the trauma you have related to alcoholism? I absolutely would not marry someone who had been an addict given my parents alcoholism and an experience with a long term boyfriend in my 20s. I chose to marry a man that rarely has one drink. That said, I think you are really overreacting here in a way that is only going to be more damaging to you. You are very likely to loose your relationship with your sister and it sounds like that is a valuable relationship to her. There is nothing crazy about your sister marrying someone who was five years sober — even if you and I would not do that. And to be terrified about someone 15 years sober going back to drinking is totally not in line with actual statistics.

OP here. Why are you judging me when you actually agree with me? Because that's the entire point. It's ridiculous to say on the one hand, it makes sense, I'd stay away from addicts while on the other hand, tell me I'm crazy because of that exact same point.

It's not about the time. Heck, I don't even know if anyone can even believe if he is "sober." Addicts are liars, as I'm sure you are aware.

[Anonymous]

To OP: I am sorry you had a difficult childhood with an alcoholic parent. Your great distress over learning this news about your BIL is giving you a flashing neon sign that you still have work to do in order to make peace with your upbringing. Therapy, Al-Anon, whatever form will work for you. Do this for yourself so you can put down this burden you've been carrying all your life.