BIL is an addict

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While it makes sense to treat the BIL as an individual and for the OP to continue therapy to work through her earlier trauma, it makes equally perfect sense that she would feel the way she does about what she's learned--that is, to anyone who knows anything about dysfunctional life cycles and how they are perpetuated. People subconsciously gravitate towards what their brain patterns perceive as familiar and "comfortable," even if what's familiar and "comfortable" is objectively destructive. So for the OP, her sister's choice to marry and procreate with someone who has struggled with the same addiction their mother did epitomizes the old adage "out of the frying pan into the fire." Maybe it's true that the BIL has successfully remained sober for 15 years. But maybe it's not, and it is a fact that from a genetic standpoint, the sister and her husband deliberately chose to bring children into the world who are very much at risk of becoming addicts themselves. As someone who for different reasons spent much of her childhood having to accommodate dysfunction, I would never knowingly choose it for myself, nor would I put myself in a situation where I'd always be wondering when the other shoe would drop, so to speak.

I mean, if you're going to go that route, OP and her sister should be shunned too because of their predisposition for addiction right? Not to mention the mental health toll they must carry from being the child of an alcoholic. I hope the OP hasn't married or had children, because her partner and kids would be forever waiting for the other shoe to drop right?

Now that we've covered alcohol addiction, what about food and health problems. Should we be striving for a Gattaca type society? Only perfection allowed because otherwise we're just waiting for the other shoe to drop?

[Anonymous]

I think you want to believe that “addicts” can never recover or change because to admit that would be to have to face that your own parent had a choice—that your parent actively chose alcohol over you, that your parent had the power to change and did not. If an “addict” is an unchangeable thing then your parent was helpless, had no choice, etc.—it’s probably preferable for you to think this. It’s probably very threatening to you to realize that someone with a predisposition to alcohol abuse can actually overcome that. Because if that’s true then why did your parent choose not to do that? It’s a very depressing thought I know.

It sucks to understand that a parent had a choice and actively chose alcohol over your welfare. I say this as the child of an alcoholic who found myself beginning to excessively drink and stopped drinking completely over 20 years ago.

I think my husband and two children would not question my dedication to sobriety or my fitness as a spouse or a parent. I’m really sad for you. You need to find some new way of thinking about this before you lose your sister.

[Anonymous]

Stopped reading when someone who has been sober for 15 years was referred to as a ticking time bomb. Clearly trolling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How would you feel if you were told the reason why someone didn't drink was because they were an addict or alcoholic?

My BIL never drank for as long as I knew him but my sister in passing mentioned that he's been in AA for 15 years -- years before she even met him!? She willingly met and had kids with an addict.

The issue is that we were raised by an alcoholic. Our own mom drank until she died (an early death due to medical issues). It was never ending "I'll quit and go to AA" and then relapses. It was awful and I can't believe she got together with someone who is just this ticking time bomb.

I don't know why she hid this from me for nearly 10 years. I can't look at BIL the same and feel incredibly uncomfortable around him. I'm actually considering putting some distance between us and avoiding seeing them from now on but feel guilty. AITA?

It must be wonderful to feel so superior to the rest of humanity? To your BIL, I have the utmost respect. You, however, are despicable.

[Anonymous]

Yes, you are the a-hole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're one of the biggest A holes ever. And that's saying a lot. Do you also kick puppies? This man has been sober for 15 years. We all make mistakes and clearly he's recovered and changed his life. There but for the grace of God go I

Alcoholism is a disease and no more a "mistake" than a brain tumor is a "mistake."

[Anonymous]

I am sober now (I got sober during the Spring 2021). I really struggled with how I ended up with an alcohol issue. I think the pandemic pushed things along but I was slowly steadily moving into a place where drinking was making my life worse in every way (health, relationships, mental health, financially, professionally, etc). You know what kept me from getting help while my drinking got worse and worse? The stigma of being an addict.

Getting sober has been transformative. Everything has improved. It hasn't been easy. Very, very difficult pills I needed to swallow. Awful truths I needed to admit and truly seek to repair and apologize. And I continue to work to repair.

I still struggle with the stigma of being an addict. I understand the judgment. A big part of my own recovery is holding myself accountable for everything I've done period full stop. This includes what I've done while drinking. Part of it is accepting that some people will inevitable judge me for having an addiction or even my husband may never forgive me or trust me again (thankfully, this doesn't appear to be the case). But being sober means I have to get of caring what people think about me or my relationship with alcohol -- I need to focus on what I am doing and make sure I am keeping my old side of the street clean.

Back to OP, I strongly recommend she focus on herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sober now (I got sober during the Spring 2021). I really struggled with how I ended up with an alcohol issue. I think the pandemic pushed things along but I was slowly steadily moving into a place where drinking was making my life worse in every way (health, relationships, mental health, financially, professionally, etc). You know what kept me from getting help while my drinking got worse and worse? The stigma of being an addict.

Getting sober has been transformative. Everything has improved. It hasn't been easy. Very, very difficult pills I needed to swallow. Awful truths I needed to admit and truly seek to repair and apologize. And I continue to work to repair.

I still struggle with the stigma of being an addict. I understand the judgment. A big part of my own recovery is holding myself accountable for everything I've done period full stop. This includes what I've done while drinking. Part of it is accepting that some people will inevitable judge me for having an addiction or even my husband may never forgive me or trust me again (thankfully, this doesn't appear to be the case). But being sober means I have to get of caring what people think about me or my relationship with alcohol -- I need to focus on what I am doing and make sure I am keeping my old side of the street clean.

Back to OP, I strongly recommend she focus on herself.

Great job on your sobriety. keep it going.

[Anonymous]

Yes. YATA.

I mean, but you know that right? OP has to be a troll. He's been sober for over 15 years and now you want to distance yourself from him? You should get over yourself first. And if you're like this in general, he probably won't miss your "distance".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. YATA.

I mean, but you know that right? OP has to be a troll. He's been sober for over 15 years and now you want to distance yourself from him? You should get over yourself first. And if you're like this in general, he probably won't miss your "distance".

I don't know. I do think there is some real trauma here and her reaction isn't trolling so much as dysfunctional.

I will say that even in this thread, addiction really is viewed differently. Some people said they would never, ever have an addict in their lives because of their own experience with addicts previously. So, OP isn't way, way off.

I do think 15 years is different. But what about five? Or even that previous alcoholic PP with much less time sober?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. YATA.

I mean, but you know that right? OP has to be a troll. He's been sober for over 15 years and now you want to distance yourself from him? You should get over yourself first. And if you're like this in general, he probably won't miss your "distance".

I don't know. I do think there is some real trauma here and her reaction isn't trolling so much as dysfunctional.

I will say that even in this thread, addiction really is viewed differently. Some people said they would never, ever have an addict in their lives because of their own experience with addicts previously. So, OP isn't way, way off.

I do think 15 years is different. But what about five? Or even that previous alcoholic PP with much less time sober?

Here's the thing though - you can't move the goalposts and the situation is what it is and not some hypothetical. Presumably she's had a relationship of some sort with this BIL for as long as her sister has been married to him so there's that. If his past of over a decade ago then makes her clutch her pearls and lock up the silver then I think it's HER character in question - not his.

Outside of just being plain judgmental, and notwithstanding her "trauma" of being raised by an alcoholic - she must have learned through her adult and lived experiences that people are more than the sum of their parts and that many people have overcome their own traumas and how they coped - to include addiction to become better people. Instead of applauding how well someone has done and has proven for at least 15 YEARS that he's sober, she now wants to bash him and her perception has changed to negative.

That's just wrong. And she knows it. Her sister never should have told her tbh because she'll use this as a reason to consider him not so great, or her judging her sister of making bad decisions and neither being true with what's presented.

How one deals with adversity, trauma, addiction, flaws, etc. is way more important than what the issue was - and in this case, he identified he had a problem and actually took the steps to resolve it within himself. That's actually a reason to admire someone more - not less. I suspect she wanted a reason not to like him all along unless there's more that OP is not sharing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. YATA.

I mean, but you know that right? OP has to be a troll. He's been sober for over 15 years and now you want to distance yourself from him? You should get over yourself first. And if you're like this in general, he probably won't miss your "distance".

I don't know. I do think there is some real trauma here and her reaction isn't trolling so much as dysfunctional.

I will say that even in this thread, addiction really is viewed differently. Some people said they would never, ever have an addict in their lives because of their own experience with addicts previously. So, OP isn't way, way off.

I do think 15 years is different. But what about five? Or even that previous alcoholic PP with much less time sober?

Here's the thing though - you can't move the goalposts and the situation is what it is and not some hypothetical. Presumably she's had a relationship of some sort with this BIL for as long as her sister has been married to him so there's that. If his past of over a decade ago then makes her clutch her pearls and lock up the silver then I think it's HER character in question - not his.

Outside of just being plain judgmental, and notwithstanding her "trauma" of being raised by an alcoholic - she must have learned through her adult and lived experiences that people are more than the sum of their parts and that many people have overcome their own traumas and how they coped - to include addiction to become better people. Instead of applauding how well someone has done and has proven for at least 15 YEARS that he's sober, she now wants to bash him and her perception has changed to negative.

That's just wrong. And she knows it. Her sister never should have told her tbh because she'll use this as a reason to consider him not so great, or her judging her sister of making bad decisions and neither being true with what's presented.

How one deals with adversity, trauma, addiction, flaws, etc. is way more important than what the issue was - and in this case, he identified he had a problem and actually took the steps to resolve it within himself. That's actually a reason to admire someone more - not less. I suspect she wanted a reason not to like him all along unless there's more that OP is not sharing.

This is so interesting to me. Because I have a good friend whose wife is indeed an alcoholic who went to treatment and the consensus has been for him to cut and run as quickly as he can. The only reason he isn't is because of the kids, which people also cluck about. He's in a terrible situation and what's even harder is dealing with the judgment on the other side because he is supporting his wife's efforts to get sober.

I think the shame and judgment are the biggest, worst parts of addiction -- it keeps people from getting help and shames people from being willing to support someone who is indeed trying to better themselves like this BIL.

I do think it's a massive difference where someone is NOT willing to get help for an addiction, though.

[Anonymous]

Bumping this. After a holiday of people talking about drinking too much, this thread is such a useful discussion.

[Anonymous]

Yes you are the A.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bumping this. After a holiday of people talking about drinking too much, this thread is such a useful discussion.

The only takeaway that I have is that OP is an ahole. Maybe start a new thread? Alcoholism is a disease and BIL should be treated like he's getting help with his cancer and not as a pariah. Maybe that's what all the people this year that are "drinking too much" need? hm?