Whose attendance at a funeral is more important?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t the retired folks move their schedules?

Why does the person still working and the family with the child having surgery need to move stuff around? And…non life threatening doesn’t mean non life changing. I had a procedure for a condition that wasn’t life threatening, but the longer I waited, then more likely I would have complications. There are also insurance issues - pre-approvals expire. So they might have to start the whole process again.

OP here.
Yes, many of the things you mention above are at play in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t the retired folks move their schedules?

Why does the person still working and the family with the child having surgery need to move stuff around? And…non life threatening doesn’t mean non life changing. I had a procedure for a condition that wasn’t life threatening, but the longer I waited, then more likely I would have complications. There are also insurance issues - pre-approvals expire. So they might have to start the whole process again.

OP here.
Yes, many of the things you mention above are at play in this situation.

Where are YOU in this situation? Why are you sitting around on DCUM instead of going out to help with arrangements and aftermath? Unless you’re doing that, you clearly don’t care that much one way or another. Nothing any poster on here says is going to make you inconvenience yourself enough to go to your parent’s funeral, apparently.

[Anonymous]

Important to who? For the most part, anyone who believes their attendance at a funeral is important will find a way to make it happen.

It does sound like there is some resentment between the adult children, for whatever reason.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t say anyone’s attendance at a funeral is more important than anyone else’s. Funerals are not meant to be convenient. Basically, if you want to be there and you (for whatever reason) didn’t have a say in the planning then you will find a way to be there.

Like others have said, there must be some resentment from the sibling on the west coast that all of the logistics - and probably caretaking - are falling on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well you guys clearly have a lot of issues if your sibling is willing to shut you out of your parent’s funeral.

Accommodating the aunts and uncles is a red herring.

Guessing the planning sibling resents the east coast siblings bc dealing with the dying parent probably fell on them (like the funeral planning). That sibling also may not want you guys around to see what is really going on with the parent’s money and possessions.

+1

There is resentment towards you. It may or may not be justified. There’s no way to know. You could have very good reason for being distant from your parent when they were alive, so I’m not passing judgement. But this who thing is weird. Why is the planning of the funeral falling to the siblings of the deceased, and not the adult children?

It looks like you were perceived as never wanting to jump through any hoops for your parent, so now they’re setting up one last test to see if you’ll engage. Or they know you’ll skip it if it’s inconvenient for you, and they’d rather not see you. Also, I don’t really believe that there are only two dates being offered by the cemetery (you should call the cemetery to check).

It's not. The deceased has 3 adult children--one of them is planning the funeral.

Another person asked "what is happening with the body?" Bodies can actually be kept a long time, waiting for a funeral. From previous experience, I know that some bodies have literally waited months to be buried in Arlington.

Lots of people also are cremated. Those funerals can happen anytime.

[Anonymous]

This is why you hold the funeral right away and don't crowd-source the date. People can choose to come or not.

[Anonymous]

Adult children are way more important than siblings.

[Anonymous]

I would prioritize the children, but in reality, I’d go fo date C. Or have a burial service with the children and a memorial service at a later date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t the retired folks move their schedules?

Why does the person still working and the family with the child having surgery need to move stuff around? And…non life threatening doesn’t mean non life changing. I had a procedure for a condition that wasn’t life threatening, but the longer I waited, then more likely I would have complications. There are also insurance issues - pre-approvals expire. So they might have to start the whole process again.

OP here.
Yes, many of the things you mention above are at play in this situation.

OP you haven’t chimed back in on whether caretaking or other tasks fell heavily or entirely on the local adult child? Is it possible that they are physically or emotionally fried and just need the funeral to be over? How is your west coast sibling doing? The business trip can’t be moved or another person can’t attend? Really? That’s virtually unheard of in any culture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Date A. Obviously. The children can be there, and can start the grieving and healing process sooner once the funeral is over.

I don’t know what the hell reason could justify siblings being “not available” for their sibling’s funeral, but whatever it is is not good enough to wait. If it’s health related, that’s an oh well.

Maybe one of them has an international business trip that "can't be rescheduled" and the other one has a child with scheduled surgery?

Read the first post. They are all retired and all their children are grown and out of the home.

My point was that there can be a variety of reasons why people are unavailable, including the ones OP has.

Let's go with:
1. Booked an international trip of a lifetime that is nonrefundable.
2. Has a child with a commitment and the person committed to providing childcare.
3. Has a child with a serious medical condition and needs to be with them for a procedure.
4. Has been planning a huge charity event for a year that is going to occur on that date.


I can imagine many reasons....

....none of this would keep me from attending the funeral of one of my parents if the relationship had been a good one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Date A. Obviously. The children can be there, and can start the grieving and healing process sooner once the funeral is over.

I don’t know what the hell reason could justify siblings being “not available” for their sibling’s funeral, but whatever it is is not good enough to wait. If it’s health related, that’s an oh well.

Maybe one of them has an international business trip that "can't be rescheduled" and the other one has a child with scheduled surgery?

Read the first post. They are all retired and all their children are grown and out of the home.

My point was that there can be a variety of reasons why people are unavailable, including the ones OP has.

Let's go with:
1. Booked an international trip of a lifetime that is nonrefundable.
2. Has a child with a commitment and the person committed to providing childcare.
3. Has a child with a serious medical condition and needs to be with them for a procedure.
4. Has been planning a huge charity event for a year that is going to occur on that date.


I can imagine many reasons....

....none of this would keep me from attending the funeral of one of my parents if the relationship had been a good one.

I agree with this. Wouldn’t even be a second thought for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t the retired folks move their schedules?

Why does the person still working and the family with the child having surgery need to move stuff around? And…non life threatening doesn’t mean non life changing. I had a procedure for a condition that wasn’t life threatening, but the longer I waited, then more likely I would have complications. There are also insurance issues - pre-approvals expire. So they might have to start the whole process again.

OP here.
Yes, many of the things you mention above are at play in this situation. [/quote

Is the other parent in the picture? Can they care for the child for a night or two?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t the retired folks move their schedules?

Why does the person still working and the family with the child having surgery need to move stuff around? And…non life threatening doesn’t mean non life changing. I had a procedure for a condition that wasn’t life threatening, but the longer I waited, then more likely I would have complications. There are also insurance issues - pre-approvals expire. So they might have to start the whole process again.

OP here.
Yes, many of the things you mention above are at play in this situation.

Is the other parent in the picture and could they watch this child for a night or two?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would try and find Date C. There is no date that my siblings and I would not be available for the funeral of our own parent. We would try to find a way for their elderly siblings to attend if possible.

The siblings are not really "elderly." They are retired but in their 60's and fully mobile, healthy, etc.

5-6 years ago my aunt, one of many siblings, died. One sibling did not come to the funeral because he traveled to go to his adult kid's wedding instead. He had recently reconnected with the kid after a long estrangement, and it was the kid's third wedding. To this day, some of the other siblings barely speak to the sibling who missed it, saying that the kid's wedding should not have taken precedence because they'd spent years not talking, and it wasn't that important anyway since it was a 3rd wedding. The sibling who missed it is still pissed off that they didn't reschedule it.

I don't have a strong opinion on this, other than: No matter what is decided, accept it and let it go. Don't let bad feelings over a funeral fester and cause permanent harm to the relationships of the living. That is the very worst way to honor someone who has died.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Date A. Obviously. The children can be there, and can start the grieving and healing process sooner once the funeral is over.

I don’t know what the hell reason could justify siblings being “not available” for their sibling’s funeral, but whatever it is is not good enough to wait. If it’s health related, that’s an oh well.

Maybe one of them has an international business trip that "can't be rescheduled" and the other one has a child with scheduled surgery?

Read the first post. They are all retired and all their children are grown and out of the home.

My point was that there can be a variety of reasons why people are unavailable, including the ones OP has.

Let's go with:
1. Booked an international trip of a lifetime that is nonrefundable.
2. Has a child with a commitment and the person committed to providing childcare.
3. Has a child with a serious medical condition and needs to be with them for a procedure.
4. Has been planning a huge charity event for a year that is going to occur on that date.


I can imagine many reasons....

....none of this would keep me from attending the funeral of one of my parents if the relationship had been a good one.

+1. “Trip of a lifetime” be damned. There’s no “commitment” a child can make that is more important—and no, travel soccer or marching band competition doesn’t count. If you have a child having a medical procedure, dad can be there while mom goes to funeral. CHARITY EVENT? You’ve got to be effing kidding me.