Whose attendance at a funeral is more important?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I’m confused. Isn’t the funeral typically held within a week or so after the person dies? How long in the future is this being planned?

OP here.
The elderly person died a little over a week ago. The funeral will be held in late January (the two dates are a week apart.) The holidays and cemetery availability is what is creating the delay (I think?)
The sibling planning it all has decided to hold it on date B (when our aunts and uncles can come, but my other sibling and I can not.)

Figure out a way to open up your schedule for your parents' funeral. Jeez.

[Anonymous]

I’m going to disagree a bit. Chidren’s presence takes precedent, period. However, this is not the case of making all efforts to be there when the person is still alive/about to pass, we’re talking about a funeral on a random day sometime a month later. Then you factor in other things with scheduling, and you go with the one that works for the deceased’s children. I would not cancel my child’s surgery for that, either, and brother is an AH for picking the other date to accommodate the other group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you asking? If you cared when the funeral was, you would already be out there making arrangements. Are you serious that your mom died, your dad is still living, and you’re not out there?

Right? Your sibling is out there dealing with things and taking care of your dad and you are dictating from thousands of miles away and saying you’re too busy to help. I assume he also works and has a family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t the retired folks move their schedules?

Why does the person still working and the family with the child having surgery need to move stuff around? And…non life threatening doesn’t mean non life changing. I had a procedure for a condition that wasn’t life threatening, but the longer I waited, then more likely I would have complications. There are also insurance issues - pre-approvals expire. So they might have to start the whole process again.

OP here.
Yes, many of the things you mention above are at play in this situation.

OP you haven’t chimed back in on whether caretaking or other tasks fell heavily or entirely on the local adult child? Is it possible that they are physically or emotionally fried and just need the funeral to be over? How is your west coast sibling doing? The business trip can’t be moved or another person can’t attend? Really? That’s virtually unheard of in any culture.

For context, my mom had been in horrible shape for a long time. She had advanced dementia and for about the last year and half she had been immobile and non verbal. My dad is still mobile and verbal but we think he also has dementia. He is very stubborn and refused to acknowledge it.

The local adult child did a LOT of the logistical work for my parents, I've written a lot about my parents situation on the forum here (midlife concerns and eldercare.) My parents have basically moved 5 times in the last two years to various assisted living/ random apartments with a live in caregiver situations. The physical labor of caring for my parents was done by hired help but my brother spent countless hours arranging tours (of assisted living facilities) trying to help them pay their bills (my parents have plenty of money but my Dad was making grave financial mistakes and obstinate about allowing my brother to directly be involved in the finances, yet expecting him to clean up all the "messes.") I am sure my brother is exhausted, and unfortunately it's not over. My Dad is still alive, still becoming more confused (dementia) and still increasingly obstinate about giving up control.

My other brother and I have tried to help from afar as much as possible with calling places to set up appointments, and also we've advised my brother that he should refuse to help in some of these situations. One of my posts on the other forum describes how just a couple months ago, my Dad decided to move (again.) He had been living a few minutes drive from my brother but his live in caregivers' manager convinced him to move closer to her--about a 45 minute-1 hour drive away from my brother. Yet even after he moved (literally with just a few days notice to my brother) he was still calling/texting my brother daily with some issue that he expected my brother to drop everything and go over there. When these things happen, and my brother tells us, we've advised him that he should seek legal advice on getting my Dad declared mentally incompetent. My brother (the one local to my parents) is the one that my parents entrusted with all medical POAs, is the trustee on their trust (to be honest I'm still not exactly sure what is involved in that) and executor of their will. Any and all power over my parents was given to my brother (by my parents before their health declined.)


The date that my other sibling and I are able to make is the earlier date---so if it's about just needing it to be over, that would actually be a more practical date. So yes, I'm sure he is tired and fried---but I don't see how accommodating one set of relatives instead of his own siblings would alleviate that. If he is bitter that he did so much more than my other brother and I, then I do not know what to say to that. There is nothing my other brother or I could have done to make his workload less.

Yes, there is. You could have worked out a schedule, between the two of you, to be physically present more often.

The person doing the most work and having to deal with everything can pick the date of the funeral. You can choose whether to be there. Or not. I can’t imagine choosing anything other than to be there unless I was in the hospital for an emergent reason.

1. My family (me, my husband) does not have a lot of money. I went out there as often as I could.
2. What would my "physical presence" have done? I'm not being snarky, I am truly asking in what way my physical presence would have helped the situations that required my brother's signature? Or necessitated my brother looking at my Dad's bank accounts?

You could have visited more and run more errands to give the sibling who bore the brunt of all this a break. Are you really this clueless?

No, I am not "clueless." But I don't know what "errands" you think my sibling was bearing the brunt of that I could have taken over. My Dad wasn't asking my brother to come over and bring groceries or drive him to the dentist. His paid caregivers did that.

My Dad was screwing up his finances royally. He was writing checks for bills and then randomly putting "stop payments" on them-he was almost evicted from his apartment because he did it with the rent check. He donated over $90,000 to various political candidates (literally thousand of small donations--$10 here, $25 there) in about a six month period. I believe he still might owe $500+ to the electric company (for the apartment he's lived in less than 2 months) because he can't figure out how to pay the bill, but won't just fully hand over finances to my brother either. Taking care of these issues involve actually accessing my dad's bank accounts-and my Dad was emphatic that ONLY that brother could do that. Even that (local) brother was not allowed access to all of my Dad's finances. My Dad played (still plays?) a "shell game" in moving money to various accounts, keeping some accounts secret, etc. because he does not want my brother to know everything.

When we've tried having all 3 of us talk to him at once, he accuses us of "ganging up on him" and then refuses to interact anymore, so it's best to just keep the one brother that he trusts (at least somewhat) handling these situations. Also, like I said earlier, that local brother is the one that my parents have designated for EVERYTHING legal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Date A. Obviously. The children can be there, and can start the grieving and healing process sooner once the funeral is over.

I don’t know what the hell reason could justify siblings being “not available” for their sibling’s funeral, but whatever it is is not good enough to wait. If it’s health related, that’s an oh well.

Maybe one of them has an international business trip that "can't be rescheduled" and the other one has a child with scheduled surgery?

Read the first post. They are all retired and all their children are grown and out of the home.

My point was that there can be a variety of reasons why people are unavailable, including the ones OP has.

Let's go with:
1. Booked an international trip of a lifetime that is nonrefundable.
2. Has a child with a commitment and the person committed to providing childcare.
3. Has a child with a serious medical condition and needs to be with them for a procedure.
4. Has been planning a huge charity event for a year that is going to occur on that date.


I can imagine many reasons....

....none of this would keep me from attending the funeral of one of my parents if the relationship had been a good one.

+1. “Trip of a lifetime” be damned. There’s no “commitment” a child can make that is more important—and no, travel soccer or marching band competition doesn’t count. If you have a child having a medical procedure, dad can be there while mom goes to funeral. CHARITY EVENT? You’ve got to be effing kidding me.

Has your child ever had surgery? I'm guessing no. No one who has been through it takes it so casually.

Yes. My child also has two parents. Any other questions?

So one of you goes to the hospital and one goes to work? Weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t the retired folks move their schedules?

Why does the person still working and the family with the child having surgery need to move stuff around? And…non life threatening doesn’t mean non life changing. I had a procedure for a condition that wasn’t life threatening, but the longer I waited, then more likely I would have complications. There are also insurance issues - pre-approvals expire. So they might have to start the whole process again.

OP here.
Yes, many of the things you mention above are at play in this situation.

OP you haven’t chimed back in on whether caretaking or other tasks fell heavily or entirely on the local adult child? Is it possible that they are physically or emotionally fried and just need the funeral to be over? How is your west coast sibling doing? The business trip can’t be moved or another person can’t attend? Really? That’s virtually unheard of in any culture.

For context, my mom had been in horrible shape for a long time. She had advanced dementia and for about the last year and half she had been immobile and non verbal. My dad is still mobile and verbal but we think he also has dementia. He is very stubborn and refused to acknowledge it.

The local adult child did a LOT of the logistical work for my parents, I've written a lot about my parents situation on the forum here (midlife concerns and eldercare.) My parents have basically moved 5 times in the last two years to various assisted living/ random apartments with a live in caregiver situations. The physical labor of caring for my parents was done by hired help but my brother spent countless hours arranging tours (of assisted living facilities) trying to help them pay their bills (my parents have plenty of money but my Dad was making grave financial mistakes and obstinate about allowing my brother to directly be involved in the finances, yet expecting him to clean up all the "messes.") I am sure my brother is exhausted, and unfortunately it's not over. My Dad is still alive, still becoming more confused (dementia) and still increasingly obstinate about giving up control.

My other brother and I have tried to help from afar as much as possible with calling places to set up appointments, and also we've advised my brother that he should refuse to help in some of these situations. One of my posts on the other forum describes how just a couple months ago, my Dad decided to move (again.) He had been living a few minutes drive from my brother but his live in caregivers' manager convinced him to move closer to her--about a 45 minute-1 hour drive away from my brother. Yet even after he moved (literally with just a few days notice to my brother) he was still calling/texting my brother daily with some issue that he expected my brother to drop everything and go over there. When these things happen, and my brother tells us, we've advised him that he should seek legal advice on getting my Dad declared mentally incompetent. My brother (the one local to my parents) is the one that my parents entrusted with all medical POAs, is the trustee on their trust (to be honest I'm still not exactly sure what is involved in that) and executor of their will. Any and all power over my parents was given to my brother (by my parents before their health declined.)


The date that my other sibling and I are able to make is the earlier date---so if it's about just needing it to be over, that would actually be a more practical date. So yes, I'm sure he is tired and fried---but I don't see how accommodating one set of relatives instead of his own siblings would alleviate that. If he is bitter that he did so much more than my other brother and I, then I do not know what to say to that. There is nothing my other brother or I could have done to make his workload less.

Yes, there is. You could have worked out a schedule, between the two of you, to be physically present more often.

The person doing the most work and having to deal with everything can pick the date of the funeral. You can choose whether to be there. Or not. I can’t imagine choosing anything other than to be there unless I was in the hospital for an emergent reason.

1. My family (me, my husband) does not have a lot of money. I went out there as often as I could.
2. What would my "physical presence" have done? I'm not being snarky, I am truly asking in what way my physical presence would have helped the situations that required my brother's signature? Or necessitated my brother looking at my Dad's bank accounts?

You could have visited more and run more errands to give the sibling who bore the brunt of all this a break. Are you really this clueless?

No, I am not "clueless." But I don't know what "errands" you think my sibling was bearing the brunt of that I could have taken over. My Dad wasn't asking my brother to come over and bring groceries or drive him to the dentist. His paid caregivers did that.

My Dad was screwing up his finances royally. He was writing checks for bills and then randomly putting "stop payments" on them-he was almost evicted from his apartment because he did it with the rent check. He donated over $90,000 to various political candidates (literally thousand of small donations--$10 here, $25 there) in about a six month period. I believe he still might owe $500+ to the electric company (for the apartment he's lived in less than 2 months) because he can't figure out how to pay the bill, but won't just fully hand over finances to my brother either. Taking care of these issues involve actually accessing my dad's bank accounts-and my Dad was emphatic that ONLY that brother could do that. Even that (local) brother was not allowed access to all of my Dad's finances. My Dad played (still plays?) a "shell game" in moving money to various accounts, keeping some accounts secret, etc. because he does not want my brother to know everything.

When we've tried having all 3 of us talk to him at once, he accuses us of "ganging up on him" and then refuses to interact anymore, so it's best to just keep the one brother that he trusts (at least somewhat) handling these situations. Also, like I said earlier, that local brother is the one that my parents have designated for EVERYTHING legal.

You need to go out there to be with your local brother at this time. He's taken on a lot of work that should have been yours. You should be grateful and present now of all times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would look for date C.

This. There’s always a c.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t the retired folks move their schedules?

Why does the person still working and the family with the child having surgery need to move stuff around? And…non life threatening doesn’t mean non life changing. I had a procedure for a condition that wasn’t life threatening, but the longer I waited, then more likely I would have complications. There are also insurance issues - pre-approvals expire. So they might have to start the whole process again.

OP here.
Yes, many of the things you mention above are at play in this situation.

OP you haven’t chimed back in on whether caretaking or other tasks fell heavily or entirely on the local adult child? Is it possible that they are physically or emotionally fried and just need the funeral to be over? How is your west coast sibling doing? The business trip can’t be moved or another person can’t attend? Really? That’s virtually unheard of in any culture.

For context, my mom had been in horrible shape for a long time. She had advanced dementia and for about the last year and half she had been immobile and non verbal. My dad is still mobile and verbal but we think he also has dementia. He is very stubborn and refused to acknowledge it.

The local adult child did a LOT of the logistical work for my parents, I've written a lot about my parents situation on the forum here (midlife concerns and eldercare.) My parents have basically moved 5 times in the last two years to various assisted living/ random apartments with a live in caregiver situations. The physical labor of caring for my parents was done by hired help but my brother spent countless hours arranging tours (of assisted living facilities) trying to help them pay their bills (my parents have plenty of money but my Dad was making grave financial mistakes and obstinate about allowing my brother to directly be involved in the finances, yet expecting him to clean up all the "messes.") I am sure my brother is exhausted, and unfortunately it's not over. My Dad is still alive, still becoming more confused (dementia) and still increasingly obstinate about giving up control.

My other brother and I have tried to help from afar as much as possible with calling places to set up appointments, and also we've advised my brother that he should refuse to help in some of these situations. One of my posts on the other forum describes how just a couple months ago, my Dad decided to move (again.) He had been living a few minutes drive from my brother but his live in caregivers' manager convinced him to move closer to her--about a 45 minute-1 hour drive away from my brother. Yet even after he moved (literally with just a few days notice to my brother) he was still calling/texting my brother daily with some issue that he expected my brother to drop everything and go over there. When these things happen, and my brother tells us, we've advised him that he should seek legal advice on getting my Dad declared mentally incompetent. My brother (the one local to my parents) is the one that my parents entrusted with all medical POAs, is the trustee on their trust (to be honest I'm still not exactly sure what is involved in that) and executor of their will. Any and all power over my parents was given to my brother (by my parents before their health declined.)


The date that my other sibling and I are able to make is the earlier date---so if it's about just needing it to be over, that would actually be a more practical date. So yes, I'm sure he is tired and fried---but I don't see how accommodating one set of relatives instead of his own siblings would alleviate that. If he is bitter that he did so much more than my other brother and I, then I do not know what to say to that. There is nothing my other brother or I could have done to make his workload less.

Yes, there is. You could have worked out a schedule, between the two of you, to be physically present more often.

The person doing the most work and having to deal with everything can pick the date of the funeral. You can choose whether to be there. Or not. I can’t imagine choosing anything other than to be there unless I was in the hospital for an emergent reason.

1. My family (me, my husband) does not have a lot of money. I went out there as often as I could.
2. What would my "physical presence" have done? I'm not being snarky, I am truly asking in what way my physical presence would have helped the situations that required my brother's signature? Or necessitated my brother looking at my Dad's bank accounts?

You could have visited more and run more errands to give the sibling who bore the brunt of all this a break. Are you really this clueless?

No, I am not "clueless." But I don't know what "errands" you think my sibling was bearing the brunt of that I could have taken over. My Dad wasn't asking my brother to come over and bring groceries or drive him to the dentist. His paid caregivers did that.

My Dad was screwing up his finances royally. He was writing checks for bills and then randomly putting "stop payments" on them-he was almost evicted from his apartment because he did it with the rent check. He donated over $90,000 to various political candidates (literally thousand of small donations--$10 here, $25 there) in about a six month period. I believe he still might owe $500+ to the electric company (for the apartment he's lived in less than 2 months) because he can't figure out how to pay the bill, but won't just fully hand over finances to my brother either. Taking care of these issues involve actually accessing my dad's bank accounts-and my Dad was emphatic that ONLY that brother could do that. Even that (local) brother was not allowed access to all of my Dad's finances. My Dad played (still plays?) a "shell game" in moving money to various accounts, keeping some accounts secret, etc. because he does not want my brother to know everything.

When we've tried having all 3 of us talk to him at once, he accuses us of "ganging up on him" and then refuses to interact anymore, so it's best to just keep the one brother that he trusts (at least somewhat) handling these situations. Also, like I said earlier, that local brother is the one that my parents have designated for EVERYTHING legal.

You need to go out there to be with your local brother at this time. He's taken on a lot of work that should have been yours. You should be grateful and present now of all times.

My brother isn't really grieving my mother at this point. None of us are. My mother's condition has been so bad for son long, she's basically been "dead" inside a living body for almost 2 years. Even before that, her dementia was so bad, she was not herself. She became violent and was a "flight risk" when not locked down.

What work "should have been mine?" My parents specifically and intentionally designated him as the person to handle this. I had/have no legal standing to do any of this "work" you think I should do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would look for date C.

This. There’s always a c.

If the cemetery is offering a C, my brother is not telling us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t the retired folks move their schedules?

Why does the person still working and the family with the child having surgery need to move stuff around? And…non life threatening doesn’t mean non life changing. I had a procedure for a condition that wasn’t life threatening, but the longer I waited, then more likely I would have complications. There are also insurance issues - pre-approvals expire. So they might have to start the whole process again.

OP here.
Yes, many of the things you mention above are at play in this situation.

OP you haven’t chimed back in on whether caretaking or other tasks fell heavily or entirely on the local adult child? Is it possible that they are physically or emotionally fried and just need the funeral to be over? How is your west coast sibling doing? The business trip can’t be moved or another person can’t attend? Really? That’s virtually unheard of in any culture.

For context, my mom had been in horrible shape for a long time. She had advanced dementia and for about the last year and half she had been immobile and non verbal. My dad is still mobile and verbal but we think he also has dementia. He is very stubborn and refused to acknowledge it.

The local adult child did a LOT of the logistical work for my parents, I've written a lot about my parents situation on the forum here (midlife concerns and eldercare.) My parents have basically moved 5 times in the last two years to various assisted living/ random apartments with a live in caregiver situations. The physical labor of caring for my parents was done by hired help but my brother spent countless hours arranging tours (of assisted living facilities) trying to help them pay their bills (my parents have plenty of money but my Dad was making grave financial mistakes and obstinate about allowing my brother to directly be involved in the finances, yet expecting him to clean up all the "messes.") I am sure my brother is exhausted, and unfortunately it's not over. My Dad is still alive, still becoming more confused (dementia) and still increasingly obstinate about giving up control.

My other brother and I have tried to help from afar as much as possible with calling places to set up appointments, and also we've advised my brother that he should refuse to help in some of these situations. One of my posts on the other forum describes how just a couple months ago, my Dad decided to move (again.) He had been living a few minutes drive from my brother but his live in caregivers' manager convinced him to move closer to her--about a 45 minute-1 hour drive away from my brother. Yet even after he moved (literally with just a few days notice to my brother) he was still calling/texting my brother daily with some issue that he expected my brother to drop everything and go over there. When these things happen, and my brother tells us, we've advised him that he should seek legal advice on getting my Dad declared mentally incompetent. My brother (the one local to my parents) is the one that my parents entrusted with all medical POAs, is the trustee on their trust (to be honest I'm still not exactly sure what is involved in that) and executor of their will. Any and all power over my parents was given to my brother (by my parents before their health declined.)


The date that my other sibling and I are able to make is the earlier date---so if it's about just needing it to be over, that would actually be a more practical date. So yes, I'm sure he is tired and fried---but I don't see how accommodating one set of relatives instead of his own siblings would alleviate that. If he is bitter that he did so much more than my other brother and I, then I do not know what to say to that. There is nothing my other brother or I could have done to make his workload less.

Yes, there is. You could have worked out a schedule, between the two of you, to be physically present more often.

The person doing the most work and having to deal with everything can pick the date of the funeral. You can choose whether to be there. Or not. I can’t imagine choosing anything other than to be there unless I was in the hospital for an emergent reason.

1. My family (me, my husband) does not have a lot of money. I went out there as often as I could.
2. What would my "physical presence" have done? I'm not being snarky, I am truly asking in what way my physical presence would have helped the situations that required my brother's signature? Or necessitated my brother looking at my Dad's bank accounts?

You could have visited more and run more errands to give the sibling who bore the brunt of all this a break. Are you really this clueless?

No, I am not "clueless." But I don't know what "errands" you think my sibling was bearing the brunt of that I could have taken over. My Dad wasn't asking my brother to come over and bring groceries or drive him to the dentist. His paid caregivers did that.

My Dad was screwing up his finances royally. He was writing checks for bills and then randomly putting "stop payments" on them-he was almost evicted from his apartment because he did it with the rent check. He donated over $90,000 to various political candidates (literally thousand of small donations--$10 here, $25 there) in about a six month period. I believe he still might owe $500+ to the electric company (for the apartment he's lived in less than 2 months) because he can't figure out how to pay the bill, but won't just fully hand over finances to my brother either. Taking care of these issues involve actually accessing my dad's bank accounts-and my Dad was emphatic that ONLY that brother could do that. Even that (local) brother was not allowed access to all of my Dad's finances. My Dad played (still plays?) a "shell game" in moving money to various accounts, keeping some accounts secret, etc. because he does not want my brother to know everything.

When we've tried having all 3 of us talk to him at once, he accuses us of "ganging up on him" and then refuses to interact anymore, so it's best to just keep the one brother that he trusts (at least somewhat) handling these situations. Also, like I said earlier, that local brother is the one that my parents have designated for EVERYTHING legal.

The point stands that if you cared about the funeral, you’d already be out there planning it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t the retired folks move their schedules?

Why does the person still working and the family with the child having surgery need to move stuff around? And…non life threatening doesn’t mean non life changing. I had a procedure for a condition that wasn’t life threatening, but the longer I waited, then more likely I would have complications. There are also insurance issues - pre-approvals expire. So they might have to start the whole process again.

OP here.
Yes, many of the things you mention above are at play in this situation.

OP you haven’t chimed back in on whether caretaking or other tasks fell heavily or entirely on the local adult child? Is it possible that they are physically or emotionally fried and just need the funeral to be over? How is your west coast sibling doing? The business trip can’t be moved or another person can’t attend? Really? That’s virtually unheard of in any culture.

For context, my mom had been in horrible shape for a long time. She had advanced dementia and for about the last year and half she had been immobile and non verbal. My dad is still mobile and verbal but we think he also has dementia. He is very stubborn and refused to acknowledge it.

The local adult child did a LOT of the logistical work for my parents, I've written a lot about my parents situation on the forum here (midlife concerns and eldercare.) My parents have basically moved 5 times in the last two years to various assisted living/ random apartments with a live in caregiver situations. The physical labor of caring for my parents was done by hired help but my brother spent countless hours arranging tours (of assisted living facilities) trying to help them pay their bills (my parents have plenty of money but my Dad was making grave financial mistakes and obstinate about allowing my brother to directly be involved in the finances, yet expecting him to clean up all the "messes.") I am sure my brother is exhausted, and unfortunately it's not over. My Dad is still alive, still becoming more confused (dementia) and still increasingly obstinate about giving up control.

My other brother and I have tried to help from afar as much as possible with calling places to set up appointments, and also we've advised my brother that he should refuse to help in some of these situations. One of my posts on the other forum describes how just a couple months ago, my Dad decided to move (again.) He had been living a few minutes drive from my brother but his live in caregivers' manager convinced him to move closer to her--about a 45 minute-1 hour drive away from my brother. Yet even after he moved (literally with just a few days notice to my brother) he was still calling/texting my brother daily with some issue that he expected my brother to drop everything and go over there. When these things happen, and my brother tells us, we've advised him that he should seek legal advice on getting my Dad declared mentally incompetent. My brother (the one local to my parents) is the one that my parents entrusted with all medical POAs, is the trustee on their trust (to be honest I'm still not exactly sure what is involved in that) and executor of their will. Any and all power over my parents was given to my brother (by my parents before their health declined.)


The date that my other sibling and I are able to make is the earlier date---so if it's about just needing it to be over, that would actually be a more practical date. So yes, I'm sure he is tired and fried---but I don't see how accommodating one set of relatives instead of his own siblings would alleviate that. If he is bitter that he did so much more than my other brother and I, then I do not know what to say to that. There is nothing my other brother or I could have done to make his workload less.

Yes, there is. You could have worked out a schedule, between the two of you, to be physically present more often.

The person doing the most work and having to deal with everything can pick the date of the funeral. You can choose whether to be there. Or not. I can’t imagine choosing anything other than to be there unless I was in the hospital for an emergent reason.

1. My family (me, my husband) does not have a lot of money. I went out there as often as I could.
2. What would my "physical presence" have done? I'm not being snarky, I am truly asking in what way my physical presence would have helped the situations that required my brother's signature? Or necessitated my brother looking at my Dad's bank accounts?

You could have visited more and run more errands to give the sibling who bore the brunt of all this a break. Are you really this clueless?

No, I am not "clueless." But I don't know what "errands" you think my sibling was bearing the brunt of that I could have taken over. My Dad wasn't asking my brother to come over and bring groceries or drive him to the dentist. His paid caregivers did that.

My Dad was screwing up his finances royally. He was writing checks for bills and then randomly putting "stop payments" on them-he was almost evicted from his apartment because he did it with the rent check. He donated over $90,000 to various political candidates (literally thousand of small donations--$10 here, $25 there) in about a six month period. I believe he still might owe $500+ to the electric company (for the apartment he's lived in less than 2 months) because he can't figure out how to pay the bill, but won't just fully hand over finances to my brother either. Taking care of these issues involve actually accessing my dad's bank accounts-and my Dad was emphatic that ONLY that brother could do that. Even that (local) brother was not allowed access to all of my Dad's finances. My Dad played (still plays?) a "shell game" in moving money to various accounts, keeping some accounts secret, etc. because he does not want my brother to know everything.

When we've tried having all 3 of us talk to him at once, he accuses us of "ganging up on him" and then refuses to interact anymore, so it's best to just keep the one brother that he trusts (at least somewhat) handling these situations. Also, like I said earlier, that local brother is the one that my parents have designated for EVERYTHING legal.

You need to go out there to be with your local brother at this time. He's taken on a lot of work that should have been yours. You should be grateful and present now of all times.

My brother isn't really grieving my mother at this point. None of us are. My mother's condition has been so bad for son long, she's basically been "dead" inside a living body for almost 2 years. Even before that, her dementia was so bad, she was not herself. She became violent and was a "flight risk" when not locked down.

What work "should have been mine?" My parents specifically and intentionally designated him as the person to handle this. I had/have no legal standing to do any of this "work" you think I should do.

Some of us don’t think that spending time with our parents—even if dementia is involved—is “work,” but whatever. If she’s been dead to you for two years, what do you care when the funeral is? You clearly don’t care when the funeral is, or you would be there.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry op. These issues are so difficult. I agree with the pp’s about date C. If you can’t reach that compromise with your sibling, I would do whatever possible to be there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Date A. Obviously. The children can be there, and can start the grieving and healing process sooner once the funeral is over.

I don’t know what the hell reason could justify siblings being “not available” for their sibling’s funeral, but whatever it is is not good enough to wait. If it’s health related, that’s an oh well.

Maybe one of them has an international business trip that "can't be rescheduled" and the other one has a child with scheduled surgery?

Read the first post. They are all retired and all their children are grown and out of the home.

My point was that there can be a variety of reasons why people are unavailable, including the ones OP has.

Let's go with:
1. Booked an international trip of a lifetime that is nonrefundable.
2. Has a child with a commitment and the person committed to providing childcare.
3. Has a child with a serious medical condition and needs to be with them for a procedure.
4. Has been planning a huge charity event for a year that is going to occur on that date.


I can imagine many reasons....

....none of this would keep me from attending the funeral of one of my parents if the relationship had been a good one.

+1. “Trip of a lifetime” be damned. There’s no “commitment” a child can make that is more important—and no, travel soccer or marching band competition doesn’t count. If you have a child having a medical procedure, dad can be there while mom goes to funeral. CHARITY EVENT? You’ve got to be effing kidding me.

Has your child ever had surgery? I'm guessing no. No one who has been through it takes it so casually.

Yes. My child also has two parents. Any other questions?

So one of you goes to the hospital and one goes to work? Weird.

It’s called one parent takes leave to be with the kid in the hospital, the other takes leave to go to the funeral of their parent. If you can’t wrap your head around that, you’re either a crap parent, a crap child, or both.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm really sorry that posters are attacking you personally here. That really sucks.

[Anonymous]

If one of my kids scheduled my funeral so only my siblings would be there rather than my children, I would be so angry. I wouldn’t actively haunt them or anything, since they’re still my kid, but man, I would ouiji the hell out of their lives. My sibs don’t have to be there. Honestly. My kids do.