Whose attendance at a funeral is more important?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t the retired folks move their schedules?

Why does the person still working and the family with the child having surgery need to move stuff around? And…non life threatening doesn’t mean non life changing. I had a procedure for a condition that wasn’t life threatening, but the longer I waited, then more likely I would have complications. There are also insurance issues - pre-approvals expire. So they might have to start the whole process again.

OP here.
Yes, many of the things you mention above are at play in this situation.

OP you haven’t chimed back in on whether caretaking or other tasks fell heavily or entirely on the local adult child? Is it possible that they are physically or emotionally fried and just need the funeral to be over? How is your west coast sibling doing? The business trip can’t be moved or another person can’t attend? Really? That’s virtually unheard of in any culture.

For context, my mom had been in horrible shape for a long time. She had advanced dementia and for about the last year and half she had been immobile and non verbal. My dad is still mobile and verbal but we think he also has dementia. He is very stubborn and refused to acknowledge it.

The local adult child did a LOT of the logistical work for my parents, I've written a lot about my parents situation on the forum here (midlife concerns and eldercare.) My parents have basically moved 5 times in the last two years to various assisted living/ random apartments with a live in caregiver situations. The physical labor of caring for my parents was done by hired help but my brother spent countless hours arranging tours (of assisted living facilities) trying to help them pay their bills (my parents have plenty of money but my Dad was making grave financial mistakes and obstinate about allowing my brother to directly be involved in the finances, yet expecting him to clean up all the "messes.") I am sure my brother is exhausted, and unfortunately it's not over. My Dad is still alive, still becoming more confused (dementia) and still increasingly obstinate about giving up control.

My other brother and I have tried to help from afar as much as possible with calling places to set up appointments, and also we've advised my brother that he should refuse to help in some of these situations. One of my posts on the other forum describes how just a couple months ago, my Dad decided to move (again.) He had been living a few minutes drive from my brother but his live in caregivers' manager convinced him to move closer to her--about a 45 minute-1 hour drive away from my brother. Yet even after he moved (literally with just a few days notice to my brother) he was still calling/texting my brother daily with some issue that he expected my brother to drop everything and go over there. When these things happen, and my brother tells us, we've advised him that he should seek legal advice on getting my Dad declared mentally incompetent. My brother (the one local to my parents) is the one that my parents entrusted with all medical POAs, is the trustee on their trust (to be honest I'm still not exactly sure what is involved in that) and executor of their will. Any and all power over my parents was given to my brother (by my parents before their health declined.)


The date that my other sibling and I are able to make is the earlier date---so if it's about just needing it to be over, that would actually be a more practical date. So yes, I'm sure he is tired and fried---but I don't see how accommodating one set of relatives instead of his own siblings would alleviate that. If he is bitter that he did so much more than my other brother and I, then I do not know what to say to that. There is nothing my other brother or I could have done to make his workload less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t the retired folks move their schedules?

Why does the person still working and the family with the child having surgery need to move stuff around? And…non life threatening doesn’t mean non life changing. I had a procedure for a condition that wasn’t life threatening, but the longer I waited, then more likely I would have complications. There are also insurance issues - pre-approvals expire. So they might have to start the whole process again.

OP here.
Yes, many of the things you mention above are at play in this situation.

OP you haven’t chimed back in on whether caretaking or other tasks fell heavily or entirely on the local adult child? Is it possible that they are physically or emotionally fried and just need the funeral to be over? How is your west coast sibling doing? The business trip can’t be moved or another person can’t attend? Really? That’s virtually unheard of in any culture.

For context, my mom had been in horrible shape for a long time. She had advanced dementia and for about the last year and half she had been immobile and non verbal. My dad is still mobile and verbal but we think he also has dementia. He is very stubborn and refused to acknowledge it.

The local adult child did a LOT of the logistical work for my parents, I've written a lot about my parents situation on the forum here (midlife concerns and eldercare.) My parents have basically moved 5 times in the last two years to various assisted living/ random apartments with a live in caregiver situations. The physical labor of caring for my parents was done by hired help but my brother spent countless hours arranging tours (of assisted living facilities) trying to help them pay their bills (my parents have plenty of money but my Dad was making grave financial mistakes and obstinate about allowing my brother to directly be involved in the finances, yet expecting him to clean up all the "messes.") I am sure my brother is exhausted, and unfortunately it's not over. My Dad is still alive, still becoming more confused (dementia) and still increasingly obstinate about giving up control.

My other brother and I have tried to help from afar as much as possible with calling places to set up appointments, and also we've advised my brother that he should refuse to help in some of these situations. One of my posts on the other forum describes how just a couple months ago, my Dad decided to move (again.) He had been living a few minutes drive from my brother but his live in caregivers' manager convinced him to move closer to her--about a 45 minute-1 hour drive away from my brother. Yet even after he moved (literally with just a few days notice to my brother) he was still calling/texting my brother daily with some issue that he expected my brother to drop everything and go over there. When these things happen, and my brother tells us, we've advised him that he should seek legal advice on getting my Dad declared mentally incompetent. My brother (the one local to my parents) is the one that my parents entrusted with all medical POAs, is the trustee on their trust (to be honest I'm still not exactly sure what is involved in that) and executor of their will. Any and all power over my parents was given to my brother (by my parents before their health declined.)


The date that my other sibling and I are able to make is the earlier date---so if it's about just needing it to be over, that would actually be a more practical date. So yes, I'm sure he is tired and fried---but I don't see how accommodating one set of relatives instead of his own siblings would alleviate that. If he is bitter that he did so much more than my other brother and I, then I do not know what to say to that. There is nothing my other brother or I could have done to make his workload less.

Yes, there is. You could have worked out a schedule, between the two of you, to be physically present more often.

The person doing the most work and having to deal with everything can pick the date of the funeral. You can choose whether to be there. Or not. I can’t imagine choosing anything other than to be there unless I was in the hospital for an emergent reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t the retired folks move their schedules?

Why does the person still working and the family with the child having surgery need to move stuff around? And…non life threatening doesn’t mean non life changing. I had a procedure for a condition that wasn’t life threatening, but the longer I waited, then more likely I would have complications. There are also insurance issues - pre-approvals expire. So they might have to start the whole process again.

OP here.
Yes, many of the things you mention above are at play in this situation.

OP you haven’t chimed back in on whether caretaking or other tasks fell heavily or entirely on the local adult child? Is it possible that they are physically or emotionally fried and just need the funeral to be over? How is your west coast sibling doing? The business trip can’t be moved or another person can’t attend? Really? That’s virtually unheard of in any culture.

For context, my mom had been in horrible shape for a long time. She had advanced dementia and for about the last year and half she had been immobile and non verbal. My dad is still mobile and verbal but we think he also has dementia. He is very stubborn and refused to acknowledge it.

The local adult child did a LOT of the logistical work for my parents, I've written a lot about my parents situation on the forum here (midlife concerns and eldercare.) My parents have basically moved 5 times in the last two years to various assisted living/ random apartments with a live in caregiver situations. The physical labor of caring for my parents was done by hired help but my brother spent countless hours arranging tours (of assisted living facilities) trying to help them pay their bills (my parents have plenty of money but my Dad was making grave financial mistakes and obstinate about allowing my brother to directly be involved in the finances, yet expecting him to clean up all the "messes.") I am sure my brother is exhausted, and unfortunately it's not over. My Dad is still alive, still becoming more confused (dementia) and still increasingly obstinate about giving up control.

My other brother and I have tried to help from afar as much as possible with calling places to set up appointments, and also we've advised my brother that he should refuse to help in some of these situations. One of my posts on the other forum describes how just a couple months ago, my Dad decided to move (again.) He had been living a few minutes drive from my brother but his live in caregivers' manager convinced him to move closer to her--about a 45 minute-1 hour drive away from my brother. Yet even after he moved (literally with just a few days notice to my brother) he was still calling/texting my brother daily with some issue that he expected my brother to drop everything and go over there. When these things happen, and my brother tells us, we've advised him that he should seek legal advice on getting my Dad declared mentally incompetent. My brother (the one local to my parents) is the one that my parents entrusted with all medical POAs, is the trustee on their trust (to be honest I'm still not exactly sure what is involved in that) and executor of their will. Any and all power over my parents was given to my brother (by my parents before their health declined.)


The date that my other sibling and I are able to make is the earlier date---so if it's about just needing it to be over, that would actually be a more practical date. So yes, I'm sure he is tired and fried---but I don't see how accommodating one set of relatives instead of his own siblings would alleviate that. If he is bitter that he did so much more than my other brother and I, then I do not know what to say to that. There is nothing my other brother or I could have done to make his workload less.

Yes, there is. You could have worked out a schedule, between the two of you, to be physically present more often.

The person doing the most work and having to deal with everything can pick the date of the funeral. You can choose whether to be there. Or not. I can’t imagine choosing anything other than to be there unless I was in the hospital for an emergent reason.

1. My family (me, my husband) does not have a lot of money. I went out there as often as I could.
2. What would my "physical presence" have done? I'm not being snarky, I am truly asking in what way my physical presence would have helped the situations that required my brother's signature? Or necessitated my brother looking at my Dad's bank accounts?

[Anonymous]

Children. We tried to cater to siblings who made all kinds of demands but they refused to lock down dates so we finally picked. They did not come but we never expected them too.

[Anonymous]

The children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Date A. Obviously. The children can be there, and can start the grieving and healing process sooner once the funeral is over.

I don’t know what the hell reason could justify siblings being “not available” for their sibling’s funeral, but whatever it is is not good enough to wait. If it’s health related, that’s an oh well.

Maybe one of them has an international business trip that "can't be rescheduled" and the other one has a child with scheduled surgery?

Read the first post. They are all retired and all their children are grown and out of the home.

My point was that there can be a variety of reasons why people are unavailable, including the ones OP has.

Let's go with:
1. Booked an international trip of a lifetime that is nonrefundable.
2. Has a child with a commitment and the person committed to providing childcare.
3. Has a child with a serious medical condition and needs to be with them for a procedure.
4. Has been planning a huge charity event for a year that is going to occur on that date.


I can imagine many reasons....

....none of this would keep me from attending the funeral of one of my parents if the relationship had been a good one.

+1. “Trip of a lifetime” be damned. There’s no “commitment” a child can make that is more important—and no, travel soccer or marching band competition doesn’t count. If you have a child having a medical procedure, dad can be there while mom goes to funeral. CHARITY EVENT? You’ve got to be effing kidding me.

I'm the PP who gave the examples and I think you misunderstand me. Someone had asked what possible reason the SIBLINGS could have to not make it. I was saying that if the OP's reasons for not making a date are acceptable, then these should be as well. And maybe no reason is acceptable for any of them..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Date A. Obviously. The children can be there, and can start the grieving and healing process sooner once the funeral is over.

I don’t know what the hell reason could justify siblings being “not available” for their sibling’s funeral, but whatever it is is not good enough to wait. If it’s health related, that’s an oh well.

Maybe one of them has an international business trip that "can't be rescheduled" and the other one has a child with scheduled surgery?

Read the first post. They are all retired and all their children are grown and out of the home.

My point was that there can be a variety of reasons why people are unavailable, including the ones OP has.

Let's go with:
1. Booked an international trip of a lifetime that is nonrefundable.
2. Has a child with a commitment and the person committed to providing childcare.
3. Has a child with a serious medical condition and needs to be with them for a procedure.
4. Has been planning a huge charity event for a year that is going to occur on that date.


I can imagine many reasons....

....none of this would keep me from attending the funeral of one of my parents if the relationship had been a good one.

+1. “Trip of a lifetime” be damned. There’s no “commitment” a child can make that is more important—and no, travel soccer or marching band competition doesn’t count. If you have a child having a medical procedure, dad can be there while mom goes to funeral. CHARITY EVENT? You’ve got to be effing kidding me.

Has your child ever had surgery? I'm guessing no. No one who has been through it takes it so casually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand. In my world you don't go on business trips and you reschedule non-life threatening surgery to go to your parent's funeral.

I imagine I would feel the same way about whatever the siblings have going on.

There's no date that's, "Sorry, I can't make it" unless you are in the hospital or physically unable to be there for some reason.

So the adult child is just supposed to let his own children starve in the streets when he loses his job because he doesn't go on this business trip?

Unless this child is carrying the nuclear football, seems like an employer might understand that they would like a day or so off to attend the funeral of their parent. But I was able to drop everything when my parent had a health emergency and stay with them in another city and state for three months and my employer held my job, did what they could to support me and I really found out who among my colleagues (turns out all of them!) were good people. I will bend over backwards for any of them at any point now.

Even the guy with the nuclear football has a replacement for these situations. No one is that important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you even asking us, OP. You’ll either be present at the funeral, or you won’t. That’s your choice. None of us can make you feel justified or less guilty if you miss the funeral of your parent.

Bingo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand. In my world you don't go on business trips and you reschedule non-life threatening surgery to go to your parent's funeral.

I imagine I would feel the same way about whatever the siblings have going on.

There's no date that's, "Sorry, I can't make it" unless you are in the hospital or physically unable to be there for some reason.

So the adult child is just supposed to let his own children starve in the streets when he loses his job because he doesn't go on this business trip?

Unless this child is carrying the nuclear football, seems like an employer might understand that they would like a day or so off to attend the funeral of their parent. But I was able to drop everything when my parent had a health emergency and stay with them in another city and state for three months and my employer held my job, did what they could to support me and I really found out who among my colleagues (turns out all of them!) were good people. I will bend over backwards for any of them at any point now.

Even the guy with the nuclear football has a replacement for these situations. No one is that important.

+1

The international business trip is a bad excuse. Jobs that send you on trips abroad also tend to be white collar and not the kind that fire you for missing a single 'shift'. The adult child's children are not going to starve

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Date A. Obviously. The children can be there, and can start the grieving and healing process sooner once the funeral is over.

I don’t know what the hell reason could justify siblings being “not available” for their sibling’s funeral, but whatever it is is not good enough to wait. If it’s health related, that’s an oh well.

Maybe one of them has an international business trip that "can't be rescheduled" and the other one has a child with scheduled surgery?

Read the first post. They are all retired and all their children are grown and out of the home.

My point was that there can be a variety of reasons why people are unavailable, including the ones OP has.

Let's go with:
1. Booked an international trip of a lifetime that is nonrefundable.
2. Has a child with a commitment and the person committed to providing childcare.
3. Has a child with a serious medical condition and needs to be with them for a procedure.
4. Has been planning a huge charity event for a year that is going to occur on that date.


I can imagine many reasons....

....none of this would keep me from attending the funeral of one of my parents if the relationship had been a good one.

+1. “Trip of a lifetime” be damned. There’s no “commitment” a child can make that is more important—and no, travel soccer or marching band competition doesn’t count. If you have a child having a medical procedure, dad can be there while mom goes to funeral. CHARITY EVENT? You’ve got to be effing kidding me.

Has your child ever had surgery? I'm guessing no. No one who has been through it takes it so casually.

Yes. My child also has two parents. Any other questions?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t the retired folks move their schedules?

Why does the person still working and the family with the child having surgery need to move stuff around? And…non life threatening doesn’t mean non life changing. I had a procedure for a condition that wasn’t life threatening, but the longer I waited, then more likely I would have complications. There are also insurance issues - pre-approvals expire. So they might have to start the whole process again.

OP here.
Yes, many of the things you mention above are at play in this situation.

OP you haven’t chimed back in on whether caretaking or other tasks fell heavily or entirely on the local adult child? Is it possible that they are physically or emotionally fried and just need the funeral to be over? How is your west coast sibling doing? The business trip can’t be moved or another person can’t attend? Really? That’s virtually unheard of in any culture.

For context, my mom had been in horrible shape for a long time. She had advanced dementia and for about the last year and half she had been immobile and non verbal. My dad is still mobile and verbal but we think he also has dementia. He is very stubborn and refused to acknowledge it.

The local adult child did a LOT of the logistical work for my parents, I've written a lot about my parents situation on the forum here (midlife concerns and eldercare.) My parents have basically moved 5 times in the last two years to various assisted living/ random apartments with a live in caregiver situations. The physical labor of caring for my parents was done by hired help but my brother spent countless hours arranging tours (of assisted living facilities) trying to help them pay their bills (my parents have plenty of money but my Dad was making grave financial mistakes and obstinate about allowing my brother to directly be involved in the finances, yet expecting him to clean up all the "messes.") I am sure my brother is exhausted, and unfortunately it's not over. My Dad is still alive, still becoming more confused (dementia) and still increasingly obstinate about giving up control.

My other brother and I have tried to help from afar as much as possible with calling places to set up appointments, and also we've advised my brother that he should refuse to help in some of these situations. One of my posts on the other forum describes how just a couple months ago, my Dad decided to move (again.) He had been living a few minutes drive from my brother but his live in caregivers' manager convinced him to move closer to her--about a 45 minute-1 hour drive away from my brother. Yet even after he moved (literally with just a few days notice to my brother) he was still calling/texting my brother daily with some issue that he expected my brother to drop everything and go over there. When these things happen, and my brother tells us, we've advised him that he should seek legal advice on getting my Dad declared mentally incompetent. My brother (the one local to my parents) is the one that my parents entrusted with all medical POAs, is the trustee on their trust (to be honest I'm still not exactly sure what is involved in that) and executor of their will. Any and all power over my parents was given to my brother (by my parents before their health declined.)


The date that my other sibling and I are able to make is the earlier date---so if it's about just needing it to be over, that would actually be a more practical date. So yes, I'm sure he is tired and fried---but I don't see how accommodating one set of relatives instead of his own siblings would alleviate that. If he is bitter that he did so much more than my other brother and I, then I do not know what to say to that. There is nothing my other brother or I could have done to make his workload less.

Yes, there is. You could have worked out a schedule, between the two of you, to be physically present more often.

The person doing the most work and having to deal with everything can pick the date of the funeral. You can choose whether to be there. Or not. I can’t imagine choosing anything other than to be there unless I was in the hospital for an emergent reason.

1. My family (me, my husband) does not have a lot of money. I went out there as often as I could.
2. What would my "physical presence" have done? I'm not being snarky, I am truly asking in what way my physical presence would have helped the situations that required my brother's signature? Or necessitated my brother looking at my Dad's bank accounts?

You could have visited more and run more errands to give the sibling who bore the brunt of all this a break. Are you really this clueless?

[Anonymous]

Generally speaking the children should take precedence.
BUT... that's not really this situation.

The child who had done all the work selected a date. End of story.
Now you, OP, have to decide if you're going to attend your parent's funeral. it's really your choice at this point.
I can't imagine missing my parent's funeral - certainly not for a business trip or a non-life threatening surgery.

[Anonymous]

Why are you asking? If you cared when the funeral was, you would already be out there making arrangements. Are you serious that your mom died, your dad is still living, and you’re not out there?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t the retired folks move their schedules?

Why does the person still working and the family with the child having surgery need to move stuff around? And…non life threatening doesn’t mean non life changing. I had a procedure for a condition that wasn’t life threatening, but the longer I waited, then more likely I would have complications. There are also insurance issues - pre-approvals expire. So they might have to start the whole process again.

OP here.
Yes, many of the things you mention above are at play in this situation.

OP you haven’t chimed back in on whether caretaking or other tasks fell heavily or entirely on the local adult child? Is it possible that they are physically or emotionally fried and just need the funeral to be over? How is your west coast sibling doing? The business trip can’t be moved or another person can’t attend? Really? That’s virtually unheard of in any culture.

I agree with PP. Your brother can pick whatever date he wants and I hope you’re thanking him for the burden he’s carried (and will continue to carry).

For context, my mom had been in horrible shape for a long time. She had advanced dementia and for about the last year and half she had been immobile and non verbal. My dad is still mobile and verbal but we think he also has dementia. He is very stubborn and refused to acknowledge it.

The local adult child did a LOT of the logistical work for my parents, I've written a lot about my parents situation on the forum here (midlife concerns and eldercare.) My parents have basically moved 5 times in the last two years to various assisted living/ random apartments with a live in caregiver situations. The physical labor of caring for my parents was done by hired help but my brother spent countless hours arranging tours (of assisted living facilities) trying to help them pay their bills (my parents have plenty of money but my Dad was making grave financial mistakes and obstinate about allowing my brother to directly be involved in the finances, yet expecting him to clean up all the "messes.") I am sure my brother is exhausted, and unfortunately it's not over. My Dad is still alive, still becoming more confused (dementia) and still increasingly obstinate about giving up control.

My other brother and I have tried to help from afar as much as possible with calling places to set up appointments, and also we've advised my brother that he should refuse to help in some of these situations. One of my posts on the other forum describes how just a couple months ago, my Dad decided to move (again.) He had been living a few minutes drive from my brother but his live in caregivers' manager convinced him to move closer to her--about a 45 minute-1 hour drive away from my brother. Yet even after he moved (literally with just a few days notice to my brother) he was still calling/texting my brother daily with some issue that he expected my brother to drop everything and go over there. When these things happen, and my brother tells us, we've advised him that he should seek legal advice on getting my Dad declared mentally incompetent. My brother (the one local to my parents) is the one that my parents entrusted with all medical POAs, is the trustee on their trust (to be honest I'm still not exactly sure what is involved in that) and executor of their will. Any and all power over my parents was given to my brother (by my parents before their health declined.)


The date that my other sibling and I are able to make is the earlier date---so if it's about just needing it to be over, that would actually be a more practical date. So yes, I'm sure he is tired and fried---but I don't see how accommodating one set of relatives instead of his own siblings would alleviate that. If he is bitter that he did so much more than my other brother and I, then I do not know what to say to that. There is nothing my other brother or I could have done to make his workload less.

Yes, there is. You could have worked out a schedule, between the two of you, to be physically present more often.

The person doing the most work and having to deal with everything can pick the date of the funeral. You can choose whether to be there. Or not. I can’t imagine choosing anything other than to be there unless I was in the hospital for an emergent reason.

1. My family (me, my husband) does not have a lot of money. I went out there as often as I could.
2. What would my "physical presence" have done? I'm not being snarky, I am truly asking in what way my physical presence would have helped the situations that required my brother's signature? Or necessitated my brother looking at my Dad's bank accounts?

You could have visited more and run more errands to give the sibling who bore the brunt of all this a break. Are you really this clueless?