Whose attendance at a funeral is more important?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I’m confused. Isn’t the funeral typically held within a week or so after the person dies? How long in the future is this being planned?

OP here.
The elderly person died a little over a week ago. The funeral will be held in late January (the two dates are a week apart.) The holidays and cemetery availability is what is creating the delay (I think?)
The sibling planning it all has decided to hold it on date B (when our aunts and uncles can come, but my other sibling and I can not.)

Um, you over-ride that decision, or you make it there. What the hell? You make it to your parent’s funeral.

[Anonymous]

Date A.

As a side comment: At first I thought OP's question was:

"Whose attendance at a funeral is most important?"

The deceased, of course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I’m confused. Isn’t the funeral typically held within a week or so after the person dies? How long in the future is this being planned?

OP here.
The elderly person died a little over a week ago. The funeral will be held in late January (the two dates are a week apart.) The holidays and cemetery availability is what is creating the delay (I think?)
The sibling planning it all has decided to hold it on date B (when our aunts and uncles can come, but my other sibling and I can not.)

Um, you over-ride that decision, or you make it there. What the hell? You make it to your parent’s funeral.

How does one "over ride" a decision that someone else has been given the legal authority to make?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand. In my world you don't go on business trips and you reschedule non-life threatening surgery to go to your parent's funeral.

I imagine I would feel the same way about whatever the siblings have going on.

There's no date that's, "Sorry, I can't make it" unless you are in the hospital or physically unable to be there for some reason.

I thought all that was weird too but maybe these children don't like this parent so much?

This. Even world leaders reschedule meetings for family funerals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Date A. Obviously. The children can be there, and can start the grieving and healing process sooner once the funeral is over.

I don’t know what the hell reason could justify siblings being “not available” for their sibling’s funeral, but whatever it is is not good enough to wait. If it’s health related, that’s an oh well.

Maybe one of them has an international business trip that "can't be rescheduled" and the other one has a child with scheduled surgery?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Date A. Obviously. The children can be there, and can start the grieving and healing process sooner once the funeral is over.

I don’t know what the hell reason could justify siblings being “not available” for their sibling’s funeral, but whatever it is is not good enough to wait. If it’s health related, that’s an oh well.

Maybe one of them has an international business trip that "can't be rescheduled" and the other one has a child with scheduled surgery?

Read the first post. They are all retired and all their children are grown and out of the home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would try and find Date C. There is no date that my siblings and I would not be available for the funeral of our own parent. We would try to find a way for their elderly siblings to attend if possible.

The siblings are not really "elderly." They are retired but in their 60's and fully mobile, healthy, etc.

[Anonymous]

The adult children.

However; I agree with 12:00 that people need to reassess their lives, and this situation provides a good opportunity.

I am sympathetic with the business traveler. I used to work in consulting and traveled a lot, and also worked in BigLaw, and my DH still works in BigLaw. The pressure to perform is very intense, and to wash away boundaries for personal business happens all the time--so one gets used to it, used to saying "I can't be there for X event due to business." The family also gets used to this. BUT--here is a good time to reflect, and also to practice dusting off those skills of pushing back on the business/firm and creating a boundary.

As for the non-life threatening surgery...to me this depends on the age of the child and the involvement of the other parent.

Just want to add...any minor-aged kids are watching you to see how much reverence to attach to someone's death. For instance, I hate public speaking, but at my mom's service, I gave a eulogy and did not break down and for me, in large part, it was to give my kids a role model of how to step up and honor those who cared for, and took care of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand. In my world you don't go on business trips and you reschedule non-life threatening surgery to go to your parent's funeral.

I imagine I would feel the same way about whatever the siblings have going on.

There's no date that's, "Sorry, I can't make it" unless you are in the hospital or physically unable to be there for some reason.

So the adult child is just supposed to let his own children starve in the streets when he loses his job because he doesn't go on this business trip?

What job doesn't allow an employee to go to their parent's funeral?

[Anonymous]

Will the funeral be available on line? This makes the decisions easier because it opens to up to many people that can not travel at the right time or at all. When my fathter passed recently, his sister spoke at the funderal from the other side of the country.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand. In my world you don't go on business trips and you reschedule non-life threatening surgery to go to your parent's funeral.

I imagine I would feel the same way about whatever the siblings have going on.

There's no date that's, "Sorry, I can't make it" unless you are in the hospital or physically unable to be there for some reason.

So the adult child is just supposed to let his own children starve in the streets when he loses his job because he doesn't go on this business trip?

Unless this child is carrying the nuclear football, seems like an employer might understand that they would like a day or so off to attend the funeral of their parent. But I was able to drop everything when my parent had a health emergency and stay with them in another city and state for three months and my employer held my job, did what they could to support me and I really found out who among my colleagues (turns out all of them!) were good people. I will bend over backwards for any of them at any point now.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a memorial service.

I would miss it for my child's surgery. Sorry, my parents would understand. Not going to waste months to reschedule the surgery.

International business travel: depends on the job and position.

Planning sibling is an AH for accommodating the parent's siblings over their own siblings.

[Anonymous]

Always the children of the deceased.

[Anonymous]

So the adult child is just supposed to let his own children starve in the streets when he loses his job because he doesn't go on this business trip?

You forgot to mention that world peace and cure for cancer are also at stake!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Date A. Obviously. The children can be there, and can start the grieving and healing process sooner once the funeral is over.

I don’t know what the hell reason could justify siblings being “not available” for their sibling’s funeral, but whatever it is is not good enough to wait. If it’s health related, that’s an oh well.

Maybe one of them has an international business trip that "can't be rescheduled" and the other one has a child with scheduled surgery?

Read the first post. They are all retired and all their children are grown and out of the home.

My point was that there can be a variety of reasons why people are unavailable, including the ones OP has.

Let's go with:
1. Booked an international trip of a lifetime that is nonrefundable.
2. Has a child with a commitment and the person committed to providing childcare.
3. Has a child with a serious medical condition and needs to be with them for a procedure.
4. Has been planning a huge charity event for a year that is going to occur on that date.


I can imagine many reasons....