Unfair finances with parents and siblings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP have you posted before about receiving unequal holiday gifts as well?

Hi, that wasn’t me but the same thing is true for our Christmas/holidays with my family. I was inspired to post today because I am hosting our Christmas brunch for 20 people which is not at all inexpensive, and my sister is hosting the dinner tonight. My parents never host because neither of them likes to cook and my step mom can’t deal with the mess from having all grandkids over or a big dinner. They also never offer to bring anything and when I assign them something half the time they forget, or just bring something else random (ie ask them to bring a fruit salad but they show up with a bottle of wine).

They get each grandchild one nice present, which is very nice, and we agreed as adults we would not exchange presents. However, they still do buy presents for my two half sisters and even their boyfriends. I know this because one posted a new flat screen TV my parents got for their apartment on Instagram, and the other posted a new coat they got her which costs $600. They got the boyfriends Apple gift cards.

How is that not a breeding ground for resentment?

Do you hear how you have made your feelings and reactions to other people’s choices as passive and inevitable and out of your control as a bloom of bacteria? You are in control of your thoughts and feelings. You can choose to be grateful that your dad is so confident in your financial stability/prospects instead of resentful. It’s all what you choose.

This is toxic positivity and gaslighting. OP is allowed to feel annoyed. She can decide to only do free things with them and save her money for entertaining friends who treat her well.

Yes she’s allowed to feel however she chooses to feel but clearly choosing to feel resentful is leading to her feeling… resentful. It’s not gaslighting to acknowledge OP has agency and to call out the fact her choice in analogies highlights her lack of seizing control over her agency in the situation/her choice of reactions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your Dad is paying for the twentysomethings because they are young, but not the grandkids (who presumably are even younger)? Is that the case or are the grandkids not invited to the weekly dinners?

Weekly dinner sounds like a big time suck for a Grandpa who does not love his grandkids that much. There might be better uses of your time.

My husband's family has this dynamic and I think I get where you are coming from. You desperately want to feel the love from dad so you suck it up, yet feel resentful. Your dad is going to go along with stepmom to get along. I doubt confronting will do anything. You just have to find your comfort zone. Maybe it's seeing them less and doing these meals monthly. Maybe it's meeting for something less expensive. Maybe it's just meeting up with dad now and then. Play around with it and find that comfort zone where you can just enjoy the quality time and not feel sad or jealous or resentful. If dad guilt trips you say you enjoy seeing him, but you need to save money and the kids' schedules are getting busier or whatever.

Some say confront, but I don't think these conversations about how people spend their money usually go well. He is a big boy and knows what he is doing. You don't want to guilt trip him into paying for you, he should do that because it's rude not to when he pays for his other children. We can't change him so figure out how to change the situation so you can enjoy it.

[Anonymous]

OP-if you could one of these outcomes, which one would you want the most?

1. Continue going out, but now dad makes everyone including the younger step children pay their own way
Or
2. Continue going out, but now dad pays for you and sister in addition to younger step siblings.

[Anonymous]

Didn’t you post this exact scenario before? I feel like I read this before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP have you posted before about receiving unequal holiday gifts as well?

Hi, that wasn’t me but the same thing is true for our Christmas/holidays with my family. I was inspired to post today because I am hosting our Christmas brunch for 20 people which is not at all inexpensive, and my sister is hosting the dinner tonight. My parents never host because neither of them likes to cook and my step mom can’t deal with the mess from having all grandkids over or a big dinner. They also never offer to bring anything and when I assign them something half the time they forget, or just bring something else random (ie ask them to bring a fruit salad but they show up with a bottle of wine).

They get each grandchild one nice present, which is very nice, and we agreed as adults we would not exchange presents. However, they still do buy presents for my two half sisters and even their boyfriends. I know this because one posted a new flat screen TV my parents got for their apartment on Instagram, and the other posted a new coat they got her which costs $600. They got the boyfriends Apple gift cards.

How is that not a breeding ground for resentment?

Do you hear how you have made your feelings and reactions to other people’s choices as passive and inevitable and out of your control as a bloom of bacteria? You are in control of your thoughts and feelings. You can choose to be grateful that your dad is so confident in your financial stability/prospects instead of resentful. It’s all what you choose.

How much are they spending on your kids gifts?? They are giving your kids gifts, and you are giving them nothing! Yet you complain they are giving your younger, childless siblings gifts??

Get over yourself

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Didn’t you post this exact scenario before? I feel like I read this before.

+1 Last Christmas. 2,Older sisters, 2 younger sibs and the younger sibs get expensive presents. The weekly dinners is new but there was a reference to the older sibs having to pay their own way.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, but you and your full sister are second class citizens for your father and step-mother. You should not be going for dinner with them every week or hosting them and their brood without assigning them dishes to make.

You are being discriminated against and being included only because you are a gift that keeps on giving to them! They have your full permission to treat you like crap.

You need to host only your full sister and her family. And even there, divvy up the burden.

[Anonymous]

Please grayrock them. You are not alone. You have your own family. You can go out and pay your way, but you do not have to host your step-siblings.

It is not your circus or your monkeys.

[Anonymous]

This is toxic positivity and gaslighting. OP is allowed to feel annoyed. She can decide to only do free things with them and save her money for entertaining friends who treat her well.



Yes she’s allowed to feel however she chooses to feel but clearly choosing to feel resentful is leading to her feeling… resentful. It’s not gaslighting to acknowledge OP has agency and to call out the fact her choice in analogies highlights her lack of seizing control over her agency in the situation/her choice of reactions.

NP. The PP was 100% gaslighting and disgusting. The dad/stepmom are in the wrong here - snd you found like you would get along with them just fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have three full siblings and a similar family dynamic. When I turned 18 my parents told me I was an adult and no longer would receive Christmas presents because they had to save resources for my younger siblings. I'd come home for Christmas from college and watch my siblings open iPhones, laptops and dSLRs while I received nothing. I'd purchase presents for each of them from my minimum wage job earnings. They got me nothing. It turns out that the rule only applied to me and my parents didn't cut any of my other siblings off at 18, just me. My siblings are in their late 30s and still get nice presents from my parents.

It's still like that. I treat my parents AND siblings when we go out to eat. My siblings are treated by my parents if they do something without me. Why? I don't know. My parents have always hated spending money on me. I've been an obligation my whole life, while they lavish my siblings.

If I raise an issue I'm called greedy. My options are to make peace with it or cut ties with my family. They aren't going to change, but it hurts. Over and over again it hurts.

Are you siblings male while you are female? Or is it about looks? Something else?
Sorry you have to go through this. I would not buy them gifts

I was born first and apparently my dad wasn't ready for kids despite being almost 30. He viewed me as competition for my mother's time and affection. Apparently this caused a lot of tension between my parents. He never bonded with me and has always resented me. When my siblings came, starting 5 years later, next was a boy who liked sports, and apparently he was ready to be a father of a boy who liked sports. He bonded to my brother and subsequent siblings and loves them.

My mother does love me individually, but resents when I burst the bubble of the five of them being a happy family (which my very existence spoils). There's lots of tension between me and my heavily favored siblings, and there always has been. I get along best with the youngest who doesn't buy into the nonsense and has a clearer view of what's going on.

Me paying for everything is typically justified because I'm the most financially secure. This is true, but isn't it normal for the oldest to be the furthest along the trajectory of building wealth? My siblings are not that far behind when you age norm (we're spread across 12 years) but I'm still always in the lead. Seriously, my DINK sister's HHi was $500k last year and my fixed income parents still paid for her thanksgiving accomodations. My parents haven't paid for a hotel room for me since middle school--even my high school trips with the school I paid from my part time job. They seem to like having "their kids" depend on them, maybe? I don't know. I don't think it makes a lot of sense so I try to just appreciate that I can afford my own choices and let them spend their money as they please.

OP, I think you just have to decide on your own boundaries. There's no way to make it fair.

As 1 of 5 kids, I have also experienced a similar dynamic where the younger are favored because the parents miraculously found more resources (time, love, finances, attention, etc..) for them. The disproportion continues to this day when we are in our 40s and 50s.
The responder above is right, it will never be fair. Accept it now that the wills are also going to be disproportionate.
It sounds easy to say "you just have to decide on your own boundaries", but it is what you have to do. It's an ongoing effort but it's less painful than expecting/hoping that things will change. Because it won't.
Hope it makes you feel a little better knowing that you are not alone. This kind of slight happens in full birth families too.

[Anonymous]

Agree that a weekly dinner sounds like a huge time suck. Are you going because:

1) you and your kids enjoy hanging out with these people? If so, change the restaurant to Chipotle or somewhere cheap, consider making it monthly
2) out of obligation towards your dad? Then talk to him about how the inequality bothers you. If he can’t be bothered to make it right, then stop feeling obligated
3) you want to stay on your dad’s good side for your inheritance? Well, I got news for you… if they won’t even pay for your dinner, you aren’t getting a dime, sorry

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have three full siblings and a similar family dynamic. When I turned 18 my parents told me I was an adult and no longer would receive Christmas presents because they had to save resources for my younger siblings. I'd come home for Christmas from college and watch my siblings open iPhones, laptops and dSLRs while I received nothing. I'd purchase presents for each of them from my minimum wage job earnings. They got me nothing. It turns out that the rule only applied to me and my parents didn't cut any of my other siblings off at 18, just me. My siblings are in their late 30s and still get nice presents from my parents.

It's still like that. I treat my parents AND siblings when we go out to eat. My siblings are treated by my parents if they do something without me. Why? I don't know. My parents have always hated spending money on me. I've been an obligation my whole life, while they lavish my siblings.

If I raise an issue I'm called greedy. My options are to make peace with it or cut ties with my family. They aren't going to change, but it hurts. Over and over again it hurts.

Are you siblings male while you are female? Or is it about looks? Something else?
Sorry you have to go through this. I would not buy them gifts

I wondered the same thing. In my family girls are not valued.

[Anonymous]

Your dads a jerk. It’s as simple as that. And clearly stepmom doesn’t think of you as her kids. I’m guessing money is tighter for you since you have kids and they don’t. I’d start skipping dinners. If they guilt you, tell them the truth. You don’t want their blatant favoritism thrown in your face every darn week.

[Anonymous]

It's odd at 37 years old to expect your parents to pay for you and your family's meals, and complain about your parents paying for your siblings meals when you're eating out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have three full siblings and a similar family dynamic. When I turned 18 my parents told me I was an adult and no longer would receive Christmas presents because they had to save resources for my younger siblings. I'd come home for Christmas from college and watch my siblings open iPhones, laptops and dSLRs while I received nothing. I'd purchase presents for each of them from my minimum wage job earnings. They got me nothing. It turns out that the rule only applied to me and my parents didn't cut any of my other siblings off at 18, just me. My siblings are in their late 30s and still get nice presents from my parents.

It's still like that. I treat my parents AND siblings when we go out to eat. My siblings are treated by my parents if they do something without me. Why? I don't know. My parents have always hated spending money on me. I've been an obligation my whole life, while they lavish my siblings.

If I raise an issue I'm called greedy. My options are to make peace with it or cut ties with my family. They aren't going to change, but it hurts. Over and over again it hurts.

Are you siblings male while you are female? Or is it about looks? Something else?
Sorry you have to go through this. I would not buy them gifts

I was born first and apparently my dad wasn't ready for kids despite being almost 30. He viewed me as competition for my mother's time and affection. Apparently this caused a lot of tension between my parents. He never bonded with me and has always resented me. When my siblings came, starting 5 years later, next was a boy who liked sports, and apparently he was ready to be a father of a boy who liked sports. He bonded to my brother and subsequent siblings and loves them.

My mother does love me individually, but resents when I burst the bubble of the five of them being a happy family (which my very existence spoils). There's lots of tension between me and my heavily favored siblings, and there always has been. I get along best with the youngest who doesn't buy into the nonsense and has a clearer view of what's going on.

Me paying for everything is typically justified because I'm the most financially secure. This is true, but isn't it normal for the oldest to be the furthest along the trajectory of building wealth? My siblings are not that far behind when you age norm (we're spread across 12 years) but I'm still always in the lead. Seriously, my DINK sister's HHi was $500k last year and my fixed income parents still paid for her thanksgiving accomodations. My parents haven't paid for a hotel room for me since middle school--even my high school trips with the school I paid from my part time job. They seem to like having "their kids" depend on them, maybe? I don't know. I don't think it makes a lot of sense so I try to just appreciate that I can afford my own choices and let them spend their money as they please.

OP, I think you just have to decide on your own boundaries. There's no way to make it fair.

As 1 of 5 kids, I have also experienced a similar dynamic where the younger are favored because the parents miraculously found more resources (time, love, finances, attention, etc..) for them. The disproportion continues to this day when we are in our 40s and 50s.
The responder above is right, it will never be fair. Accept it now that the wills are also going to be disproportionate.
It sounds easy to say "you just have to decide on your own boundaries", but it is what you have to do. It's an ongoing effort but it's less painful than expecting/hoping that things will change. Because it won't.
Hope it makes you feel a little better knowing that you are not alone. This kind of slight happens in full birth families too.

+1. I’m one of 2 full siblings (no half siblings) and this dynamic exists in my family of origin. PP put it well, my parents somehow found more resources for my younger sister. The inequality exists to this day (I’m in my late 40s). My relationship with my family of origin was never good and it fell apart after a ski trip where my husband and I had to pay for everything, got the worst equipment, and were ignored. I stopped trying and distanced myself after that. Confronting them always resulted in gaslighting, denial, and guilt tripping.