Unfair finances with parents and siblings

[Anonymous]

I have 3 sisters, one full sister (we share the same mom and dad) and then two half sisters from my dad and step mom, who mostly raised us all. I am the oldest at 37, then my full sister is 35, half sisters are 27 and 24. Full sister and I are both married with kids. Younger two have boyfriends.

We all get together once a week and over the past year we have started going out to restaurants more vs. just being at someone’s house. When we go out, my dad and step mom always treat their two kids and their boyfriends, but expect full sister and I to pay for our own families. Half sisters and their boyfriends all work, although they don’t make a ton of money. Once full sister and I graduated from college and started working they really never treated us, so it feels like a complete double standard. My dad is very wealthy so the money is not an issue, I am pretty sure it comes from my step mother calling the shots, since on the rare occasion any of us are just with our dad he always treats.

When we do get together at someone’s house it’s either full sister or I hosting and of course we pay for everything for our parents, half siblings and their boyfriends. The cost has really started adding up and I really don’t understand the dynamic. Why should it not be equal among all of us - like either pay for all or we each pay our own way? I have tried talking to my dad about this and he just says they are young and they aren’t as comfortable spending money to eat out regularly (which is kind of BS since I they go out all the time separately). I have tried to decline restaurant invites but then we get a guilt trip about not wanting to spend time with them and how it hurts their feelings. So it’s a lose lose - either we host everyone and pay for all (which is sometimes more than a restaurant bill for 4), or just suck it up and go out.

Does anyone else have a sibling dynamic where some get treated by the parents and others don’t?

[Anonymous]

Well they *are* young and money *is* tighter for them.

One of the great prides of my life is being able to help out my much younger siblings. Lucky you that you don’t even have to pay for them—dad is getting the check.

[Anonymous]

Yes, and while some people on here will tell you to suck it up, most experts will tell you it is a recipe for dysfunction. I would start only doing things with them that don't cost anything or are not very expensive. Suggest meeting for coffee or dessert instead or meeting up for a hike. If they ask why you never go to dinner, just say you are saving. If they guilt trip you, that is on them for treating you differently.

Stop hosting if it costs too much or host in an inexpensive way. Offer brunch, not lunch or dinner.

[Anonymous]

You’re 37, married, with children, with a wonderfully close family (or so it sounds) and honestly, I can’t believe you’re complaining about this, and on Christmas!

Forget about what your parents are doing with your siblings. It’s none of your business. Focus on you and your limits. Host as often as you want to host. Go out as often as you want to go out. If you’re trying to cut back on you eating out budget, suggest cheaper places, order cheaper foods, or simply say “we’re trying to cut back our restaurant spending, so we’re going to skip this week.” Own your own choices and stay in your lane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, and while some people on here will tell you to suck it up, most experts will tell you it is a recipe for dysfunction. I would start only doing things with them that don't cost anything or are not very expensive. Suggest meeting for coffee or dessert instead or meeting up for a hike. If they ask why you never go to dinner, just say you are saving. If they guilt trip you, that is on them for treating you differently.

Stop hosting if it costs too much or host in an inexpensive way. Offer brunch, not lunch or dinner.

+1 personally I would just stop making much of an effort to get together with parents who treated me unequally to my step siblings and I would tell them why when they tried to guilt trip me for declining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well they *are* young and money *is* tighter for them.

One of the great prides of my life is being able to help out my much younger siblings. Lucky you that you don’t even have to pay for them—dad is getting the check.

But op says that when she was the same age or even younger she and her other sister were expected to pay their own way. She’s not lucky that she is treated as a second class citizen by her own father.

[Anonymous]

You have a choice to say, “I love spending time with you all, but I can’t afford the weekly dinners. I need to cut back to twice a month.”

Let them give their guilt trip or whatever. That’s fine. Again, you have a choice.

What you have no control over is how your dad & stepmother spend their money. You can whine and complain all about it. But none of that will change anything. Again, it’s your choice about how you want to spend your time and money. You’re not a victim here. When you complain and do nothing about it, you’re being a victim. Stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have a choice to say, “I love spending time with you all, but I can’t afford the weekly dinners. I need to cut back to twice a month.”

Let them give their guilt trip or whatever. That’s fine. Again, you have a choice.

What you have no control over is how your dad & stepmother spend their money. You can whine and complain all about it. But none of that will change anything. Again, it’s your choice about how you want to spend your time and money. You’re not a victim here. When you complain and do nothing about it, you’re being a victim. Stop.

When you pretend that you’re one happy family and don’t call out blatant unequal treatment for fear of rocking the boat you’re also being a victim.

[Anonymous]

OP have you posted before about receiving unequal holiday gifts as well?

[Anonymous]

Tell them honestly that you would love to go out all the time but you simply can’t afford it. Then let the chips fall where they may. I hope you’re not counting on a big inheritance, unless dad has already set up something for the 2 of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a choice to say, “I love spending time with you all, but I can’t afford the weekly dinners. I need to cut back to twice a month.”

Let them give their guilt trip or whatever. That’s fine. Again, you have a choice.

What you have no control over is how your dad & stepmother spend their money. You can whine and complain all about it. But none of that will change anything. Again, it’s your choice about how you want to spend your time and money. You’re not a victim here. When you complain and do nothing about it, you’re being a victim. Stop.

When you pretend that you’re one happy family and don’t call out blatant unequal treatment for fear of rocking the boat you’re also being a victim.

Yeah, no. OP is 37 years old. She’s not a victim because her father doesn’t pay for her dinner.

[Anonymous]

My husband’s family is sort of like this. His two brothers are sort of failure to launch and his parents pay for tons of stuff for them. It just doesn’t bother my hsuband at all. It bugged me initially, but I’ve let go of it since it isn’t my family. I actually think my husband’s ability to let this go is a good thing. The reality is that the youngest brother recently stepped up and did a ton of care for their father in the last few years of his life. It all sort of evens out in the end — at least for us.

However I also know if it was my family, I would not be able to let this go. I’m not as zen as my husband. But you won’t solve it. You just have to decide how big a deal this really all is and if it is worth damaging relationships over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband’s family is sort of like this. His two brothers are sort of failure to launch and his parents pay for tons of stuff for them. It just doesn’t bother my hsuband at all. It bugged me initially, but I’ve let go of it since it isn’t my family. I actually think my husband’s ability to let this go is a good thing. The reality is that the youngest brother recently stepped up and did a ton of care for their father in the last few years of his life. It all sort of evens out in the end — at least for us.

However I also know if it was my family, I would not be able to let this go. I’m not as zen as my husband. But you won’t solve it. You just have to decide how big a deal this really all is and if it is worth damaging relationships over.

Are they his half-brothers?

[Anonymous]

OP, I have three full siblings and a similar family dynamic. When I turned 18 my parents told me I was an adult and no longer would receive Christmas presents because they had to save resources for my younger siblings. I'd come home for Christmas from college and watch my siblings open iPhones, laptops and dSLRs while I received nothing. I'd purchase presents for each of them from my minimum wage job earnings. They got me nothing. It turns out that the rule only applied to me and my parents didn't cut any of my other siblings off at 18, just me. My siblings are in their late 30s and still get nice presents from my parents.

It's still like that. I treat my parents AND siblings when we go out to eat. My siblings are treated by my parents if they do something without me. Why? I don't know. My parents have always hated spending money on me. I've been an obligation my whole life, while they lavish my siblings.

If I raise an issue I'm called greedy. My options are to make peace with it or cut ties with my family. They aren't going to change, but it hurts. Over and over again it hurts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have three full siblings and a similar family dynamic. When I turned 18 my parents told me I was an adult and no longer would receive Christmas presents because they had to save resources for my younger siblings. I'd come home for Christmas from college and watch my siblings open iPhones, laptops and dSLRs while I received nothing. I'd purchase presents for each of them from my minimum wage job earnings. They got me nothing. It turns out that the rule only applied to me and my parents didn't cut any of my other siblings off at 18, just me. My siblings are in their late 30s and still get nice presents from my parents.

It's still like that. I treat my parents AND siblings when we go out to eat. My siblings are treated by my parents if they do something without me. Why? I don't know. My parents have always hated spending money on me. I've been an obligation my whole life, while they lavish my siblings.

If I raise an issue I'm called greedy. My options are to make peace with it or cut ties with my family. They aren't going to change, but it hurts. Over and over again it hurts.

Wouldn’t it be better to just cut ties? I struggle to understand why people prioritize maintaining relationships with people (family or not) that treat them so badly.