Unfair finances with parents and siblings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's odd at 37 years old to expect your parents to pay for you and your family's meals, and complain about your parents paying for your siblings meals when you're eating out.

Sounds like OP is bothered because her dad didn’t pay for her or her full sister when they were in their early 20s. OP dad and stepmom also seem to be taking advantage of OP as well with hosting and things. It’s reasonable to be upset by that.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if this has more to do with you and your full sister being married with kids than age. Your parents may see you and your full sibling both as “actual” adults unlike the other siblings who haven’t settled down yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if this has more to do with you and your full sister being married with kids than age. Your parents may see you and your full sibling both as “actual” adults unlike the other siblings who haven’t settled down yet.

OP wrote that the dad has been like this since before her and her full sister were married with kids. In this type of family, the younger kids typically never become “actual” adults.

[Anonymous]

Similar dynamic in my family except there are just two siblings and no step siblings. Since I turned 18 and went off to college, I was on my own except for tuition payments. My parents had a complete double standard for my younger sibling. I remember when they bought a tv for her dorm room! I was buying my own books for classes. My sibling is just a few years younger, not a huge gap or anything, it's just a double standard. Sibling is manipulative and passive aggressive so she's been happy to take advantage of my parents.

When the parents set up this type of unequal dynamic it negatively impacts family relationships. And their actions have consequences. So if it makes you upset to be part of this, then see them less. It's on them for creating this dynamic, not you.

[Anonymous]

You posted about this last year . So you decided to ignore all the advice in your last thread and do the same thing this year.
Shall I go ahead and pencil you in for your 2023 vent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Similar dynamic in my family except there are just two siblings and no step siblings. Since I turned 18 and went off to college, I was on my own except for tuition payments. My parents had a complete double standard for my younger sibling. I remember when they bought a tv for her dorm room! I was buying my own books for classes. My sibling is just a few years younger, not a huge gap or anything, it's just a double standard. Sibling is manipulative and passive aggressive so she's been happy to take advantage of my parents.

When the parents set up this type of unequal dynamic it negatively impacts family relationships. And their actions have consequences. So if it makes you upset to be part of this, then see them less. It's on them for creating this dynamic, not you.

Well said. I have a full sibling who doesn't play well with others. She has a fancy and highly impressive and high paying job my parents would brag about. Due to her own choices she is divorced (treating him horribly and dumped him) with a child and she made a series of poor investments, but she still has plenty of money. I am married so I am told she is getting all these handouts as they decrease their estate because she is single and made investment mistakes. I saved and work to have a strong marriage which means I do not get the same. One of our kids has series medical needs which cost a fortune and we had a huge ordeal getting as much as we could for insurance to pay (one of the doctors at the hospital didn't take out insurance-pre-no surprises act). Apparently medical expenses don't qualify as "need" to them, but investing in BS things because you don't do your research does.

For me it just reinforced she has and will always be the favorite. I heard them brag about her my whole life and I was the other one. Any mistake she makes she gets saved. Any challenge she has they are fawning all over her and I am on my own.I accept it, but it makes me have very strong boundaries. It is always best to be fair. They can do whatever they want with their money, but I also have the right to have major boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if this has more to do with you and your full sister being married with kids than age. Your parents may see you and your full sibling both as “actual” adults unlike the other siblings who haven’t settled down yet.

OP wrote that the dad has been like this since before her and her full sister were married with kids. In this type of family, the younger kids typically never become “actual” adults.

It sounds like OP is mad she is also supposed to be an “actual” adult. She doesn’t want adulthood for all. She wants child/dependent status for all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

This is toxic positivity and gaslighting. OP is allowed to feel annoyed. She can decide to only do free things with them and save her money for entertaining friends who treat her well.



Yes she’s allowed to feel however she chooses to feel but clearly choosing to feel resentful is leading to her feeling… resentful. It’s not gaslighting to acknowledge OP has agency and to call out the fact her choice in analogies highlights her lack of seizing control over her agency in the situation/her choice of reactions.

NP. The PP was 100% gaslighting and disgusting. The dad/stepmom are in the wrong here - snd you found like you would get along with them just fine.

Telling people to take responsibility for themselves is gaslighting now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot get past that you meet EVERY week for dinner. To mess with this group dynamic, I would start inviting your Dad to lunch/dinner or a coffee alone without the step mother. She is the problem.

It’s a Sunday night tradition that started after COVID isolation since we didn’t see them for a while. My dad really loves it so it’s hard to tell him no.

So change the tradition and meet for a hike or coffee or stop complaining. There is no magic wand. They are being unfair. You can either mix it up or suck it up. You can't tell them to pay for you, but you can see them for free or for the cost of a tea.

Agree. Or remake it into a potluck, and rotate houses.

[Anonymous]

At age 24, I made $26k per year. At age 37, I was making $170k per year. Pretty sure my parents paid for me when I was 24 and we went out - I would be embarrassed to have them pay when I was 37 with two kids (and I’m not including DH’s income).

How much is you HHI, OP? And what do your two youngest sisters make? Unless you make similar amounts to them, I think you are being petty about paying for dinner and hosting. And if hosting is getting too expensive, make it potluck.

You seem to be looking for problems with your parents and siblings instead of focusing on how amazing it is to be able to get together so regularly. As someone who also comes from a large family, it’s also an amazing and unique experience for your kids to get to know their aunts and grand parents so well - and it’s something your younger sisters’ kids will not get - by the time they have kids, yours will be grown and won’t want to come to weekly dinner, and your parents may not be in good health (or even alive). Stop comparing, and appreciate what you have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have three full siblings and a similar family dynamic. When I turned 18 my parents told me I was an adult and no longer would receive Christmas presents because they had to save resources for my younger siblings. I'd come home for Christmas from college and watch my siblings open iPhones, laptops and dSLRs while I received nothing. I'd purchase presents for each of them from my minimum wage job earnings. They got me nothing. It turns out that the rule only applied to me and my parents didn't cut any of my other siblings off at 18, just me. My siblings are in their late 30s and still get nice presents from my parents.

It's still like that. I treat my parents AND siblings when we go out to eat. My siblings are treated by my parents if they do something without me. Why? I don't know. My parents have always hated spending money on me. I've been an obligation my whole life, while they lavish my siblings.

If I raise an issue I'm called greedy. My options are to make peace with it or cut ties with my family. They aren't going to change, but it hurts. Over and over again it hurts.

Are you siblings male while you are female? Or is it about looks? Something else?
Sorry you have to go through this. I would not buy them gifts

I was born first and apparently my dad wasn't ready for kids despite being almost 30. He viewed me as competition for my mother's time and affection. Apparently this caused a lot of tension between my parents. He never bonded with me and has always resented me. When my siblings came, starting 5 years later, next was a boy who liked sports, and apparently he was ready to be a father of a boy who liked sports. He bonded to my brother and subsequent siblings and loves them.

My mother does love me individually, but resents when I burst the bubble of the five of them being a happy family (which my very existence spoils). There's lots of tension between me and my heavily favored siblings, and there always has been. I get along best with the youngest who doesn't buy into the nonsense and has a clearer view of what's going on.

Me paying for everything is typically justified because I'm the most financially secure. This is true, but isn't it normal for the oldest to be the furthest along the trajectory of building wealth? My siblings are not that far behind when you age norm (we're spread across 12 years) but I'm still always in the lead. Seriously, my DINK sister's HHi was $500k last year and my fixed income parents still paid for her thanksgiving accomodations. My parents haven't paid for a hotel room for me since middle school--even my high school trips with the school I paid from my part time job. They seem to like having "their kids" depend on them, maybe? I don't know. I don't think it makes a lot of sense so I try to just appreciate that I can afford my own choices and let them spend their money as they please.

OP, I think you just have to decide on your own boundaries. There's no way to make it fair.

As 1 of 5 kids, I have also experienced a similar dynamic where the younger are favored because the parents miraculously found more resources (time, love, finances, attention, etc..) for them. The disproportion continues to this day when we are in our 40s and 50s.
The responder above is right, it will never be fair. Accept it now that the wills are also going to be disproportionate.
It sounds easy to say "you just have to decide on your own boundaries", but it is what you have to do. It's an ongoing effort but it's less painful than expecting/hoping that things will change. Because it won't.
Hope it makes you feel a little better knowing that you are not alone. This kind of slight happens in full birth families too.

+1. I’m one of 2 full siblings (no half siblings) and this dynamic exists in my family of origin. PP put it well, my parents somehow found more resources for my younger sister. The inequality exists to this day (I’m in my late 40s). My relationship with my family of origin was never good and it fell apart after a ski trip where my husband and I had to pay for everything, got the worst equipment, and were ignored. I stopped trying and distanced myself after that. Confronting them always resulted in gaslighting, denial, and guilt tripping.

+1 I'm the oldest of 3 sibs and get it! Parents need to understand how damaging favoritism is. Is it that hard to treat your children with love and fairness??

This is worth reading: https://raisingamericans.substack.com/p/a-royal-mistake-the-destructiveness

[Anonymous]

I know you think it has to do with the whole/step status but it does not. It’s because you are married. Once you are married you are your own household and I will bet you $1M they feel that it would be an insult to your husbands to pay for you. You are launched. Younger sibs are not. That’s all this is about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have 3 sisters, one full sister (we share the same mom and dad) and then two half sisters from my dad and step mom, who mostly raised us all. I am the oldest at 37, then my full sister is 35, half sisters are 27 and 24. Full sister and I are both married with kids. Younger two have boyfriends.

We all get together once a week and over the past year we have started going out to restaurants more vs. just being at someone’s house. When we go out, my dad and step mom always treat their two kids and their boyfriends, but expect full sister and I to pay for our own families. Half sisters and their boyfriends all work, although they don’t make a ton of money. Once full sister and I graduated from college and started working they really never treated us, so it feels like a complete double standard. My dad is very wealthy so the money is not an issue, I am pretty sure it comes from my step mother calling the shots, since on the rare occasion any of us are just with our dad he always treats.

When we do get together at someone’s house it’s either full sister or I hosting and of course we pay for everything for our parents, half siblings and their boyfriends. The cost has really started adding up and I really don’t understand the dynamic. Why should it not be equal among all of us - like either pay for all or we each pay our own way? I have tried talking to my dad about this and he just says they are young and they aren’t as comfortable spending money to eat out regularly (which is kind of BS since I they go out all the time separately). I have tried to decline restaurant invites but then we get a guilt trip about not wanting to spend time with them and how it hurts their feelings. So it’s a lose lose - either we host everyone and pay for all (which is sometimes more than a restaurant bill for 4), or just suck it up and go out.

Does anyone else have a sibling dynamic where some get treated by the parents and others don’t?

If you can't afford it you can't afford it. Tell them it's not in our budget to go this time and leave it at that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have three full siblings and a similar family dynamic. When I turned 18 my parents told me I was an adult and no longer would receive Christmas presents because they had to save resources for my younger siblings. I'd come home for Christmas from college and watch my siblings open iPhones, laptops and dSLRs while I received nothing. I'd purchase presents for each of them from my minimum wage job earnings. They got me nothing. It turns out that the rule only applied to me and my parents didn't cut any of my other siblings off at 18, just me. My siblings are in their late 30s and still get nice presents from my parents.

It's still like that. I treat my parents AND siblings when we go out to eat. My siblings are treated by my parents if they do something without me. Why? I don't know. My parents have always hated spending money on me. I've been an obligation my whole life, while they lavish my siblings.

If I raise an issue I'm called greedy. My options are to make peace with it or cut ties with my family. They aren't going to change, but it hurts. Over and over again it hurts.

Are you siblings male while you are female? Or is it about looks? Something else?
Sorry you have to go through this. I would not buy them gifts

I was born first and apparently my dad wasn't ready for kids despite being almost 30. He viewed me as competition for my mother's time and affection. Apparently this caused a lot of tension between my parents. He never bonded with me and has always resented me. When my siblings came, starting 5 years later, next was a boy who liked sports, and apparently he was ready to be a father of a boy who liked sports. He bonded to my brother and subsequent siblings and loves them.

My mother does love me individually, but resents when I burst the bubble of the five of them being a happy family (which my very existence spoils). There's lots of tension between me and my heavily favored siblings, and there always has been. I get along best with the youngest who doesn't buy into the nonsense and has a clearer view of what's going on.

Me paying for everything is typically justified because I'm the most financially secure. This is true, but isn't it normal for the oldest to be the furthest along the trajectory of building wealth? My siblings are not that far behind when you age norm (we're spread across 12 years) but I'm still always in the lead. Seriously, my DINK sister's HHi was $500k last year and my fixed income parents still paid for her thanksgiving accomodations. My parents haven't paid for a hotel room for me since middle school--even my high school trips with the school I paid from my part time job. They seem to like having "their kids" depend on them, maybe? I don't know. I don't think it makes a lot of sense so I try to just appreciate that I can afford my own choices and let them spend their money as they please.

OP, I think you just have to decide on your own boundaries. There's no way to make it fair.

As 1 of 5 kids, I have also experienced a similar dynamic where the younger are favored because the parents miraculously found more resources (time, love, finances, attention, etc..) for them. The disproportion continues to this day when we are in our 40s and 50s.
The responder above is right, it will never be fair. Accept it now that the wills are also going to be disproportionate.
It sounds easy to say "you just have to decide on your own boundaries", but it is what you have to do. It's an ongoing effort but it's less painful than expecting/hoping that things will change. Because it won't.
Hope it makes you feel a little better knowing that you are not alone. This kind of slight happens in full birth families too.

+1. I’m one of 2 full siblings (no half siblings) and this dynamic exists in my family of origin. PP put it well, my parents somehow found more resources for my younger sister. The inequality exists to this day (I’m in my late 40s). My relationship with my family of origin was never good and it fell apart after a ski trip where my husband and I had to pay for everything, got the worst equipment, and were ignored. I stopped trying and distanced myself after that. Confronting them always resulted in gaslighting, denial, and guilt tripping.

+1 I'm the oldest of 3 sibs and get it! Parents need to understand how damaging favoritism is. Is it that hard to treat your children with love and fairness??

This is worth reading: https://raisingamericans.substack.com/p/a-royal-mistake-the-destructiveness

Good article and I agree...from the one who was and is not the favorite in my family. It can also really harm the favorite. The favorite in my family is very entitled and self-centered and it has caused problems in her relationships and workplace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know you think it has to do with the whole/step status but it does not. It’s because you are married. Once you are married you are your own household and I will bet you $1M they feel that it would be an insult to your husbands to pay for you. You are launched. Younger sibs are not. That’s all this is about.

When OP and other 30+ sib were in their twenties the parents did NOT pay for restaurant bills for each plus boyfriends/dates etc. The father and step mother pay for the 20 + half OP sibs plus their dates. The dad pays for his DC's from 1st wife when the step mother is not present.

If OP dad and step mom retired since OP was in her twenties and have reduced $ it doesn't explain the pattern. OP clarified that dad+step mom have $$$ resources so the only variable is step mom. Any grandchildren also don't get treated to a meal if step mom is present.

Perhaps GC and OP + DH and other full sister family also are on reduced holiday-birthday gifts. Same for will and beneficiary designations [expect a chnage in those if dad passes away first].