Unfair finances with parents and siblings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP have you posted before about receiving unequal holiday gifts as well?

Hi, that wasn’t me but the same thing is true for our Christmas/holidays with my family. I was inspired to post today because I am hosting our Christmas brunch for 20 people which is not at all inexpensive, and my sister is hosting the dinner tonight. My parents never host because neither of them likes to cook and my step mom can’t deal with the mess from having all grandkids over or a big dinner. They also never offer to bring anything and when I assign them something half the time they forget, or just bring something else random (ie ask them to bring a fruit salad but they show up with a bottle of wine).

They get each grandchild one nice present, which is very nice, and we agreed as adults we would not exchange presents. However, they still do buy presents for my two half sisters and even their boyfriends. I know this because one posted a new flat screen TV my parents got for their apartment on Instagram, and the other posted a new coat they got her which costs $600. They got the boyfriends Apple gift cards.

How is that not a breeding ground for resentment?

[Anonymous]

I cannot get past that you meet EVERY week for dinner. To mess with this group dynamic, I would start inviting your Dad to lunch/dinner or a coffee alone without the step mother. She is the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cannot get past that you meet EVERY week for dinner. To mess with this group dynamic, I would start inviting your Dad to lunch/dinner or a coffee alone without the step mother. She is the problem.

It’s a Sunday night tradition that started after COVID isolation since we didn’t see them for a while. My dad really loves it so it’s hard to tell him no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have three full siblings and a similar family dynamic. When I turned 18 my parents told me I was an adult and no longer would receive Christmas presents because they had to save resources for my younger siblings. I'd come home for Christmas from college and watch my siblings open iPhones, laptops and dSLRs while I received nothing. I'd purchase presents for each of them from my minimum wage job earnings. They got me nothing. It turns out that the rule only applied to me and my parents didn't cut any of my other siblings off at 18, just me. My siblings are in their late 30s and still get nice presents from my parents.

It's still like that. I treat my parents AND siblings when we go out to eat. My siblings are treated by my parents if they do something without me. Why? I don't know. My parents have always hated spending money on me. I've been an obligation my whole life, while they lavish my siblings.

If I raise an issue I'm called greedy. My options are to make peace with it or cut ties with my family. They aren't going to change, but it hurts. Over and over again it hurts.

What do you gain out of maintaining contact?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot get past that you meet EVERY week for dinner. To mess with this group dynamic, I would start inviting your Dad to lunch/dinner or a coffee alone without the step mother. She is the problem.

It’s a Sunday night tradition that started after COVID isolation since we didn’t see them for a while. My dad really loves it so it’s hard to tell him no.

So change the tradition and meet for a hike or coffee or stop complaining. There is no magic wand. They are being unfair. You can either mix it up or suck it up. You can't tell them to pay for you, but you can see them for free or for the cost of a tea.

[Anonymous]

I would just say the continued weekly dinner thing is putting a dent in your budget and savings goal. It has not been a tradition long enough to get concerned about. Do what works best for your immediate family. They are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have three full siblings and a similar family dynamic. When I turned 18 my parents told me I was an adult and no longer would receive Christmas presents because they had to save resources for my younger siblings. I'd come home for Christmas from college and watch my siblings open iPhones, laptops and dSLRs while I received nothing. I'd purchase presents for each of them from my minimum wage job earnings. They got me nothing. It turns out that the rule only applied to me and my parents didn't cut any of my other siblings off at 18, just me. My siblings are in their late 30s and still get nice presents from my parents.

It's still like that. I treat my parents AND siblings when we go out to eat. My siblings are treated by my parents if they do something without me. Why? I don't know. My parents have always hated spending money on me. I've been an obligation my whole life, while they lavish my siblings.

If I raise an issue I'm called greedy. My options are to make peace with it or cut ties with my family. They aren't going to change, but it hurts. Over and over again it hurts.

My DH has a similar situation with his family. Not with Christmas- his parents would make a HUGE deal about saying they spent the same exact (minimal) amount on gifts for him and his sister which was always awkward and telling IMO.
But with everything else- wedding(s), grad school costs, dinners out, lavish vacations- she has always been totally covered but they would never even pay for a lunch for him.
I always tried to figure it out. She has a good job, doesn't make as much as DH now but did when they were younger. She wasn't married for a while so I thought maybe they justified some of it based on that but now she is and it's the same. So I guess maybe they think because she's a daughter it's acceptable? Really it's just always been blatant favoritism and I hurt for my DH dealing with it especially because I imagine it was like that through childhood as well though I would never ask.

[Anonymous]

I swear having wealthy parents curses adults to a lifetime of childhood dynamics. I wish I could give OP the gift of being joyfully independent instead of reluctantly so.

[Anonymous]

This isn’t right, but also not surprising that the children of the stepmother and father are treated better. You are not the children of the stepmother, of course she will not afford you the same finances.

Di your stepmom and dad make the same income with their kids as your mom and dad did? Were your educations equally funded? Were gifts handled differently too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot get past that you meet EVERY week for dinner. To mess with this group dynamic, I would start inviting your Dad to lunch/dinner or a coffee alone without the step mother. She is the problem.

It’s a Sunday night tradition that started after COVID isolation since we didn’t see them for a while. My dad really loves it so it’s hard to tell him no.

I think it’s odd that the half-sisters’ boyfriends come along and the parents pay for them, too. If the dinner is to get together with family, why are the boyfriends involved?

I agree that the stepmother is the problem.

[Anonymous]

Is your mom still in the picture? I am a custodial step mom to 18, 17, 15 yo and we have 8 yo twins. I’ve never thought about money when it comes to SKs, but as they get older and I see bio mom living the good life (vacation house, travel), I am starting to be a bit more questioning. I imagine my thoughts will continue to evolve when they get older. But, I think your thoughts and feelings are totally justified, and I like the recommendations to maybe work on doing things with just your dad. Blended families are nuanced. Merry Christmas.

[Anonymous]

exact same family dynamic and maybe a similar situation (Dad and step mom who mostly raised us and younger half siblings). Difference is we don't get together that often and Dad is definitely not anywhere so blatant about paying only for them. Sometimes he will pay for all of us, sometime we pay our own way, sometimes i Have paid for them. THey do however pay for A LOT in my half siblings lives and I mean a lot. I don't focus on that particularly because they are more failure to launch and kind of do need help. It's kind of like they grew up in a totally different home (very spoiled) and there is not even such a big age difference with us. I would try not to focus on it and maybe suggest a cheaper restaurant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot get past that you meet EVERY week for dinner. To mess with this group dynamic, I would start inviting your Dad to lunch/dinner or a coffee alone without the step mother. She is the problem.

It’s a Sunday night tradition that started after COVID isolation since we didn’t see them for a while. My dad really loves it so it’s hard to tell him no.

So change the tradition and meet for a hike or coffee or stop complaining. There is no magic wand. They are being unfair. You can either mix it up or suck it up. You can't tell them to pay for you, but you can see them for free or for the cost of a tea.

+1. Your Dad isn’t going to change so if you want something to change, you have to be the one to do so.

I’m curious on how this arrangement for came about. Did your Dad really say he was paying for sisters, their boys friends, but not you and your sister?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have three full siblings and a similar family dynamic. When I turned 18 my parents told me I was an adult and no longer would receive Christmas presents because they had to save resources for my younger siblings. I'd come home for Christmas from college and watch my siblings open iPhones, laptops and dSLRs while I received nothing. I'd purchase presents for each of them from my minimum wage job earnings. They got me nothing. It turns out that the rule only applied to me and my parents didn't cut any of my other siblings off at 18, just me. My siblings are in their late 30s and still get nice presents from my parents.

It's still like that. I treat my parents AND siblings when we go out to eat. My siblings are treated by my parents if they do something without me. Why? I don't know. My parents have always hated spending money on me. I've been an obligation my whole life, while they lavish my siblings.

If I raise an issue I'm called greedy. My options are to make peace with it or cut ties with my family. They aren't going to change, but it hurts. Over and over again it hurts.

Are you siblings male while you are female? Or is it about looks? Something else?
Sorry you have to go through this. I would not buy them gifts

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This isn’t right, but also not surprising that the children of the stepmother and father are treated better. You are not the children of the stepmother, of course she will not afford you the same finances.

This is the truth. I don’t know how to push back with her but yes imo you are justified feeling the way you feel