DH WFH is a huge turn off

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This has to be a troll. What man wears “pj”. DH would sleep in boxers if kids weren’t in the house. Otherwise it’s track pants and a t shirt, and if he is in shape I can’t imagine this is that bad.

I was going to ask what that means! Isn't he still taking video calls? SO I'd assume the top looks professional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you thought about finding an office job?

I'm 50 years old and haven't worked in an office since I was early 30's.. I selected my line of work for the remote flexibility because we have kids. I also do not have an office to go to.

I get what you're saying - but you've enjoyed 20 years of getting to WFH and refuse to give it up. Can you understand why your husband enjoys it now, too?

I'm not saying you're wrong and he's right - just, I've worked from home on and off for 20 years too and it would really take something special for me to give it up.

I wasn't able to start regularly WFH until the pandemic, and it would take some amazing incentive to get me to go back.

Honestly, the vast majority of people with choice are doing just that. Look at all the articles on Kastle key card data.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. I realize this is going to be hard for the DCUM girl boss and jaded beta-male sets to acknowledge, but please consider that mating strategies are hardwired and for most women having a spouse in the domestic sphere all day--even if they are providing for the family by 21 c standards--is going to be a huge turn off. You can blast me for being sexist or un-PC or whatever, but it's a hallow moral victory if the marriage is ruined. Going to the office a few days a week is not a big ask. Obviously this doesn't apply to couples who agreed to this on their own terms, but for a lot of women having their spouse around at home all day is going to be unattractive and it's unrealistic to expect the OP to just turn that switch off when there is a reasonable middle ground here.

So I am the DW breadwinner (with an in office job, commute, and travel) and my husband was remote prepandemic. I cannot begin to describe how much more relief mentally and physically I have felt in the last 2.5 years being able to work at home. I get that you say all this attraction is hard wired, but if my spouse said half the things OP has said here and most specifically pushed me to lose precious time on the road, that would not just be fighting words, in my view that would be war.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is something that I had to deal with in 2020. You shouldn't have let it fester into 2023.

Yes, the adjustment wasn't easy, but you have to find ways of coping effectively. I set clear boundaries for water cooler conversations. I started eating some lunches alone, instead of always making sure we're eating together. I make lunch plans with friends.

The key in all of this is, you can change your own behavior, but you cannot change your DH's (short of asking for very specific easily done items).

There is so much you can do, instead of wasting time on resentment. Buy him the "pajama" outfits you think might look better/be more acceptable to you. Set lunch dates. Find ways of motivating him.

In 2020, we started going for morning runs together. We don't anymore, but for a while this was a pleasant mutually beneficial activity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you thought about finding an office job?

I'm 50 years old and haven't worked in an office since I was early 30's.. I selected my line of work for the remote flexibility because we have kids. I also do not have an office to go to.

I get what you're saying - but you've enjoyed 20 years of getting to WFH and refuse to give it up. Can you understand why your husband enjoys it now, too?

I'm not saying you're wrong and he's right - just, I've worked from home on and off for 20 years too and it would really take something special for me to give it up.

I have a very good job that I like and do not have an office to go to. This was the arrangement since we married and started a family. No, I do not think I should change jobs.

What an amazingly selfish thought process.

+1

"This was the arrangement since we married and started a family" is not a reason for him to work at an office.

[Anonymous]

So you have been full time WAH but also handled all the little kid stuff between 7 am
And 6 pm until covid hit? Im on your side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you can legitimately complain that he's working from home, given that YOU work from home and apparently prefer it. He's supposed to get up earlier and deal with a longer commute, but you're not? You can say that his lack of personal hygiene and sloppy dressing is a turnoff (again, assuming that you shower every day and don't put on PJs until bedtime).

He’s showering every day, just at 9 not 7. He is also working out. So how is his hygiene bad (does he not shower after working out?)

I'm not sure it is, but that would be a legit complaint. If he's showering, working out, and working in a home office (so it's not like he's in your hair all day), then I think you have to think long and hard about asking him to take on the hassle and expense of commuting again, when it's something you've chosen not to do.

My WFH is something WE both chose for me. We have kids and I'm the main caretaker. This was a decision made years ago, therefore I always WFH so I can get kids to/from school and to activities, dr appts, be home for 1/2 days, breaks, etc. The list goes on. He has never been involved in kid duties.

New poster.

Re: the bold above: In your first post you mentioned (burying it in the larger post) that he didn't WFH/help out back when the kids were little and you could have USED his help, but now that the kids are more sellf-sufficient suddenly he's around all the time. Is it fair to say the thought there is, "He's around all the time NOW when they/I don't need him but where was he all those years he was commuting and not home to help"?

I'm getting an extremely strong whiff of deep resentment from you over the fact that you feel he has never, ever been doing enough with the kids compared to you. But you are conflating that resentment and that situation with the WFH issues, OP. You need to separate out "I resent deeply that you have NEVER been a help with the kids while I have done it all" from the current issue of "I resent that you are physically present in the house." OK? Can you see how you're conflating a larger issue that has been around for the whole marriage, with the WFH issue? I get it, the WFH presence is reminding you there were times he could have been in the house when you actually needed him and this is reminding you he wasn't around then but is now when he's not (to you) wanted.

But especially as the kids are older, and if you have any desire to keep your marriage, you need to realize you're mixing up a lot of past issues with current ones. If you don't get a grip on separating things out, you'll end up with an even bigger ball of anger.

And OP, your anger is further skewed because you really buried the single most troubling thing of all! At the very end of the first post you say his drinking has become a problem. That's a red flag that was waving but you buried it under trivia like his sleeping in, the times he showers, his pajamas etc.

I think you need to sit down and prioritize some issues here; you're currently lumping every resentment and issue into one mess of loathing. That will help and solve nothing.

Do you, OP, actually WANT to help and solve anything, or just to vent angrily? You seem very territorial about the idea that "this was the arrangement when we got married" and keeping that exactly as it was -- though you also resent the part of that same deal where he worked outside the home so much (because you wanted him to help more with the kids--which, to be blunt, is water under the bridge now.O You can't have it both ways and you can't alter that past either.

You say you've talked to him and he sees no reason to change anything. I'd talk to him again but only after some solo work on setting priorities and creating some actual ideas other than "You need to go back to the office so I can have back my exact 'deal' you owe me." The pandemic and the WFH opportunity, which did not exist when you married, negated the deal about which you feel so strongly. I get it, OP, I really do; my own DH is WFH now without prospect of ever going back and I have WFH for years too, so I get the "too much toghetherness" thing. But your anger was there before WFH exacerbated it so badly -- wasn't it?

Come up with actual, concrete solutions including ones where you flex more than you seem willing to. List them. It could be some combo of his going to the office one day a week while you work from somewhere else on a different day each week--that's two of five working days you are not in the house at the same time. And separately it sounds like you and he need to talk, not about the WFH, but about your years of buried resentment re: the kids and his inability (then and now) to flex for you just as you don't want to flex for him. Have you considered whether this is typical of the rest of your marriage? Are you both pretty territorial and stubborn? Worth exploring. I wouldn't even worry about sex and attraction until the two of you can manage to talk about mundane things like work hours and locations with some level of actually hearing and caring about each others' issues.

[Anonymous]

My DH is the same way (we met post-Covid so he’s worked from home the whole time we’ve been together). I do wish he would shower and wear actual clothes. That said, even though I have the option to WFH 100%, I go into the office 2-4 days a week. It is nice having some separation and reuniting at the end of the day.

OP, I understand that you’re used to WFH, but it doesn’t look like your husband is going to budge. Why not look for a job with a WOH option? Sounds like it would help you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like it’s your turn to work from the office!

Right? Find a co-working space and get out of the house a few times a week. I don't understand how you're together all day if he's working in his home office. You shouldn't be bugging him during work hours anyway.

Does your husband work from home? Mine does. We both do. Mine spends a lot of time coming to bug me about things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like it’s your turn to work from the office!

Right? Find a co-working space and get out of the house a few times a week. I don't understand how you're together all day if he's working in his home office. You shouldn't be bugging him during work hours anyway.

1) We can't afford a co-working space
2) He does not stay in his office during the day. He is constantly wanting to chat, etc. He needs social interaction.

This second point is what people don’t get. A lot of men are like this, I think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like it’s your turn to work from the office!

Right? Find a co-working space and get out of the house a few times a week. I don't understand how you're together all day if he's working in his home office. You shouldn't be bugging him during work hours anyway.

1) We can't afford a co-working space
2) He does not stay in his office during the day. He is constantly wanting to chat, etc. He needs social interaction.

Okay, then phrase it like that. "It's hard for me to do my own work when you're constantly wanting to chat. I think you would be happier with more social interaction during the day. What if you went to the office once or twice a week?" And then refuse to talk to him during working hours. I put on headphones when my spouse and I are working from home.

I put in my AirPods too and it hurts my husband’s feelings. He doesn’t get it.

[Anonymous]

Right there with ya, OP. DH, however, no longer has an office to go to--they're permanently remote.

I never thought I wanted to go back in-person, but I started a new job in Sept. with more in-office days, and honestly it's been good for us to have one of us out of the house. I enjoy getting out of the house and away from home more than I thought I would.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a YOU problem. I get that moving to full time telework was a challenge. It took me a while to find balance and space. Yet, it didn't affect my attraction to my DH. If you need distance to maintain your attraction to your partner, there's something wrong with you.

So judgy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Are you still sleeping with him?

If you told him it’sa turn off and you stopped sleeping with him then that should have changed his behavior.

It's a chore that I give into occasionally. He knows I'm not interested.

Well this is why he is going “F it”.

This

I love "surprising" my DH in his home office.

We frequently walk to grab coffee, lunch dates outside of the house, lunch dates in bed, grab breakfast and just hang out. Sometimes we will go catch a movie before picking DS up from school.

I don't understand people not get dressed and just putting on yoga pants or PJs while working from home, but that doesn't sound like the key issue. It sounds like you want the house to yourself, don't engage with him, and that his presence just annoys you. Try planning even 15 minute mid day date outside of the house with him.

Do you work at all? Jesus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. I realize this is going to be hard for the DCUM girl boss and jaded beta-male sets to acknowledge, but please consider that mating strategies are hardwired and for most women having a spouse in the domestic sphere all day--even if they are providing for the family by 21 c standards--is going to be a huge turn off. You can blast me for being sexist or un-PC or whatever, but it's a hallow moral victory if the marriage is ruined. Going to the office a few days a week is not a big ask. Obviously this doesn't apply to couples who agreed to this on their own terms, but for a lot of women having their spouse around at home all day is going to be unattractive and it's unrealistic to expect the OP to just turn that switch off when there is a reasonable middle ground here.

I’m as feminist as they come, but I agree.