DH WFH is a huge turn off

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I haven’t read the whole thread, but I do empathize a bit. I’ve worked from home >10years, and DH started around the start of COVID. Aside from that, he used to travel extensively and stopped. I’m an introvert and really enjoy time to myself,a sun our relationship had really been built on “absence makes the heart grow fonder” as we did have so much time apart in the first 10 years.

He’s bored working from home and lumps around the house half the time, or loves to come to just hang and chat with me. I often work in the kitchen so I can quickly do tasks while I’m working, which reduces the workload after hours. He doesn’t help with the chores, but instead just hangs around surfing the web or whatever. As time goes on, it’s getting harder to get him to leave the house for *anything*.

I used to like walking at lunch or similar but now I get “where are you going/ what are you doing / do you really have to do that now?”. He wants to have adult time in the middle of the day, which is nice when it fits into my schedule, but it’s becoming almost a requirement I for that in, in place of my walk or time out of the house and it’s no longer exciting.

I don’t think he’s actually happier working at home. I think he fed on the excitement of being in the work environment, getting dressed, etc. Now he just seems aimless, frustrated and on edge all the time, and laziness is begetting laziness. He obsesses over certain things, while not doing others.

So, I get it, OP. I’m just not sure of what the answer is.

I sort of identify with the husband in this post. I used to love getting out of the house to the office and such. Now I can go in whenever I want, but there is no real office culture/life anymore because the people who do come in do so at staggered times. There are some dedicated in-office days, but it is still very different. I find the elimination of the office life pretty depressing. I know a lot of people are very happy about it. Anyway, he might be depressed in some way. And for me, it helped to start trying to find some things to replace what I lost -- more dedicated socializing, occasionally working from coffee shops, and so on.

1st quoted PP here, and I agree 100%. He could work out through the day, but doesn’t. I know how hard the first while working from home was for me - it felt isolating, but that was also a time when no one else was doing it. That said, I did come really close friends with some other people that WFH.

For me, I just grit my teeth as needed and make gentle suggestions, including applying for other positions or extra socializing with friends (unlike some spouses, I’m happy for him to go out and to have a Friday night alone with my kids - it means I can have a thought to myself after they go to bed!). It’s hard to see him unhappy and not knowing why, when it’s so obvious from the outside.

I'm the PP you are responding to, and I'll say that I am a guy, for what it's worth. There is a lot of talk about how men socialize far less than they used to. I'm not sure how true all that is, but I definitely think that men tend to have less structured, intentional socializing than women. That's purely my observation, so who knows how true generally. I think there was a time when men went to bars more to see the regular crowd, joined sports leagues, joined fraternal organizations. Those things are gone. And the office was sort of the last bastion of casual friendship. With that gone, you really need to rethink how you socialize as a guy. Maybe efforts to arrange get togethers with neighbors and friends. It is not easy because it is not the way things were done in the past. But it is really the only option left.

This is a perceptive, objective post and the women complaining here need to read and re-read it. And I'm a woman, with a DH working at home FT for the past three years, but I have little patience for many of the complaints here. This post gives a valuable insight.

Ladies, your DHs were socialized differently from you, as the post above points out for you, if you are willing to listen; do not expect them to magically be able to conjure friendships or keep up friendships the way we do. They need to learn it, just as this male PP notes for you. Will you help them, or will you just keep complaining?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The shift in the marriage and family dynamic is what most of us are really struggling with. I could have done anything for a year during the pandemic, but with no end in sight of some of these working situations it is just too much. I liking it to my friend whose husband is a doctor and is literally pulling 80 hour weeks sometimes. She handle that in the short term and support it. Yeah definitely, but as a new long-term way of life that's not what she signed up for at all.
We did not sign up for work from home husbands. If some people don't mind it and are willing to navigate work from home situations that's fine and that's for that couple to decide, but to insist that every couple must somehow make that work for their family and relationship. It's not only a privileged way of thinking it's also very destructive. There is a Reason mental health issues spiked during covid as well did domestic violence.

People don't "sign up for" many things that happen in their marriages and alter the initial dynamic. A

re you this inflexible about all those changes?

How would some of the PPs on this thread handle a life-altering change like a spouse who became, say, disabled and was at home all the time for that reason, and to whom you were at least partial caregiver at times? I know two couples to whom that happened, out of the blue, without warning, so no time to get used to the new situation. Bluntly, those families would find this discussion ridiculous and the entitlement and oblivious privilege on this thread deeply nauseating.

I'm sure PPs will rush to say, oh no, totally different, my poor DH would get all my love and care, blah blah. No, you'd be thinking about how you never signed up for that. Check your freaking privilege, all you who have spent page after page yammering about your husbands who are ABLE to get up, walk to where you are, and bother you.

Either s**t or get off the pot. Either talk to your husbands frankly, like adults, explain your frustrations, and come up with a specific schedule, get a workspace rented or whatever it takes; or divorce. Just stop whining from a position of privilege you don't even recognize you have.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I haven’t read the whole thread, but I do empathize a bit. I’ve worked from home >10years, and DH started around the start of COVID. Aside from that, he used to travel extensively and stopped. I’m an introvert and really enjoy time to myself,a sun our relationship had really been built on “absence makes the heart grow fonder” as we did have so much time apart in the first 10 years.

He’s bored working from home and lumps around the house half the time, or loves to come to just hang and chat with me. I often work in the kitchen so I can quickly do tasks while I’m working, which reduces the workload after hours. He doesn’t help with the chores, but instead just hangs around surfing the web or whatever. As time goes on, it’s getting harder to get him to leave the house for *anything*.

I used to like walking at lunch or similar but now I get “where are you going/ what are you doing / do you really have to do that now?”. He wants to have adult time in the middle of the day, which is nice when it fits into my schedule, but it’s becoming almost a requirement I for that in, in place of my walk or time out of the house and it’s no longer exciting.

I don’t think he’s actually happier working at home. I think he fed on the excitement of being in the work environment, getting dressed, etc. Now he just seems aimless, frustrated and on edge all the time, and laziness is begetting laziness. He obsesses over certain things, while not doing others.

So, I get it, OP. I’m just not sure of what the answer is.

I sort of identify with the husband in this post. I used to love getting out of the house to the office and such. Now I can go in whenever I want, but there is no real office culture/life anymore because the people who do come in do so at staggered times. There are some dedicated in-office days, but it is still very different. I find the elimination of the office life pretty depressing. I know a lot of people are very happy about it. Anyway, he might be depressed in some way. And for me, it helped to start trying to find some things to replace what I lost -- more dedicated socializing, occasionally working from coffee shops, and so on.

1st quoted PP here, and I agree 100%. He could work out through the day, but doesn’t. I know how hard the first while working from home was for me - it felt isolating, but that was also a time when no one else was doing it. That said, I did come really close friends with some other people that WFH.

For me, I just grit my teeth as needed and make gentle suggestions, including applying for other positions or extra socializing with friends (unlike some spouses, I’m happy for him to go out and to have a Friday night alone with my kids - it means I can have a thought to myself after they go to bed!). It’s hard to see him unhappy and not knowing why, when it’s so obvious from the outside.

I'm the PP you are responding to, and I'll say that I am a guy, for what it's worth. There is a lot of talk about how men socialize far less than they used to. I'm not sure how true all that is, but I definitely think that men tend to have less structured, intentional socializing than women. That's purely my observation, so who knows how true generally. I think there was a time when men went to bars more to see the regular crowd, joined sports leagues, joined fraternal organizations. Those things are gone. And the office was sort of the last bastion of casual friendship. With that gone, you really need to rethink how you socialize as a guy. Maybe efforts to arrange get togethers with neighbors and friends. It is not easy because it is not the way things were done in the past. But it is really the only option left.

This is a perceptive, objective post and the women complaining here need to read and re-read it. And I'm a woman, with a DH working at home FT for the past three years, but I have little patience for many of the complaints here. This post gives a valuable insight.

Ladies, your DHs were socialized differently from you, as the post above points out for you, if you are willing to listen; do not expect them to magically be able to conjure friendships or keep up friendships the way we do. They need to learn it, just as this male PP notes for you. Will you help them, or will you just keep complaining?

Well, isn’t it lovely that yet again, the problem is foisted upon the women in the relationship. They don’t get to voice any opinion, have any preferences, or the like.

PPs insight about men’s friendships is valuable and enlightening - but it’s not up to OP to solve. It’s not up to her to manufacture his happiness, and yes, she gets to complain fully and completely about the loss of lifestyle that SHE is experiencing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The shift in the marriage and family dynamic is what most of us are really struggling with. I could have done anything for a year during the pandemic, but with no end in sight of some of these working situations it is just too much. I liking it to my friend whose husband is a doctor and is literally pulling 80 hour weeks sometimes. She handle that in the short term and support it. Yeah definitely, but as a new long-term way of life that's not what she signed up for at all.
We did not sign up for work from home husbands. If some people don't mind it and are willing to navigate work from home situations that's fine and that's for that couple to decide, but to insist that every couple must somehow make that work for their family and relationship. It's not only a privileged way of thinking it's also very destructive. There is a Reason mental health issues spiked during covid as well did domestic violence.

People don't "sign up for" many things that happen in their marriages and alter the initial dynamic. A

re you this inflexible about all those changes?

How would some of the PPs on this thread handle a life-altering change like a spouse who became, say, disabled and was at home all the time for that reason, and to whom you were at least partial caregiver at times? I know two couples to whom that happened, out of the blue, without warning, so no time to get used to the new situation. Bluntly, those families would find this discussion ridiculous and the entitlement and oblivious privilege on this thread deeply nauseating.

I'm sure PPs will rush to say, oh no, totally different, my poor DH would get all my love and care, blah blah. No, you'd be thinking about how you never signed up for that. Check your freaking privilege, all you who have spent page after page yammering about your husbands who are ABLE to get up, walk to where you are, and bother you.

Either s**t or get off the pot. Either talk to your husbands frankly, like adults, explain your frustrations, and come up with a specific schedule, get a workspace rented or whatever it takes; or divorce. Just stop whining from a position of privilege you don't even recognize you have.

+1

Got it. People should be happy about things they didn't sign up for like no sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I haven’t read the whole thread, but I do empathize a bit. I’ve worked from home >10years, and DH started around the start of COVID. Aside from that, he used to travel extensively and stopped. I’m an introvert and really enjoy time to myself,a sun our relationship had really been built on “absence makes the heart grow fonder” as we did have so much time apart in the first 10 years.

He’s bored working from home and lumps around the house half the time, or loves to come to just hang and chat with me. I often work in the kitchen so I can quickly do tasks while I’m working, which reduces the workload after hours. He doesn’t help with the chores, but instead just hangs around surfing the web or whatever. As time goes on, it’s getting harder to get him to leave the house for *anything*.

I used to like walking at lunch or similar but now I get “where are you going/ what are you doing / do you really have to do that now?”. He wants to have adult time in the middle of the day, which is nice when it fits into my schedule, but it’s becoming almost a requirement I for that in, in place of my walk or time out of the house and it’s no longer exciting.

I don’t think he’s actually happier working at home. I think he fed on the excitement of being in the work environment, getting dressed, etc. Now he just seems aimless, frustrated and on edge all the time, and laziness is begetting laziness. He obsesses over certain things, while not doing others.

So, I get it, OP. I’m just not sure of what the answer is.

I sort of identify with the husband in this post. I used to love getting out of the house to the office and such. Now I can go in whenever I want, but there is no real office culture/life anymore because the people who do come in do so at staggered times. There are some dedicated in-office days, but it is still very different. I find the elimination of the office life pretty depressing. I know a lot of people are very happy about it. Anyway, he might be depressed in some way. And for me, it helped to start trying to find some things to replace what I lost -- more dedicated socializing, occasionally working from coffee shops, and so on.

1st quoted PP here, and I agree 100%. He could work out through the day, but doesn’t. I know how hard the first while working from home was for me - it felt isolating, but that was also a time when no one else was doing it. That said, I did come really close friends with some other people that WFH.

For me, I just grit my teeth as needed and make gentle suggestions, including applying for other positions or extra socializing with friends (unlike some spouses, I’m happy for him to go out and to have a Friday night alone with my kids - it means I can have a thought to myself after they go to bed!). It’s hard to see him unhappy and not knowing why, when it’s so obvious from the outside.

I'm the PP you are responding to, and I'll say that I am a guy, for what it's worth. There is a lot of talk about how men socialize far less than they used to. I'm not sure how true all that is, but I definitely think that men tend to have less structured, intentional socializing than women. That's purely my observation, so who knows how true generally. I think there was a time when men went to bars more to see the regular crowd, joined sports leagues, joined fraternal organizations. Those things are gone. And the office was sort of the last bastion of casual friendship. With that gone, you really need to rethink how you socialize as a guy. Maybe efforts to arrange get togethers with neighbors and friends. It is not easy because it is not the way things were done in the past. But it is really the only option left.

This is a perceptive, objective post and the women complaining here need to read and re-read it. And I'm a woman, with a DH working at home FT for the past three years, but I have little patience for many of the complaints here. This post gives a valuable insight.

Ladies, your DHs were socialized differently from you, as the post above points out for you, if you are willing to listen; do not expect them to magically be able to conjure friendships or keep up friendships the way we do. They need to learn it, just as this male PP notes for you. Will you help them, or will you just keep complaining?

Well, isn’t it lovely that yet again, the problem is foisted upon the women in the relationship. They don’t get to voice any opinion, have any preferences, or the like.

PPs insight about men’s friendships is valuable and enlightening - but it’s not up to OP to solve. It’s not up to her to manufacture his happiness, and yes, she gets to complain fully and completely about the loss of lifestyle that SHE is experiencing.

Exactly. There is no doubt that if roles were reversed, and all of the sudden the wives were invading their DH's precious space on a daily basis with no end in sight, all hell would break loose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The shift in the marriage and family dynamic is what most of us are really struggling with. I could have done anything for a year during the pandemic, but with no end in sight of some of these working situations it is just too much. I liking it to my friend whose husband is a doctor and is literally pulling 80 hour weeks sometimes. She handle that in the short term and support it. Yeah definitely, but as a new long-term way of life that's not what she signed up for at all.
We did not sign up for work from home husbands. If some people don't mind it and are willing to navigate work from home situations that's fine and that's for that couple to decide, but to insist that every couple must somehow make that work for their family and relationship. It's not only a privileged way of thinking it's also very destructive. There is a Reason mental health issues spiked during covid as well did domestic violence.

People don't "sign up for" many things that happen in their marriages and alter the initial dynamic. A

re you this inflexible about all those changes?

How would some of the PPs on this thread handle a life-altering change like a spouse who became, say, disabled and was at home all the time for that reason, and to whom you were at least partial caregiver at times? I know two couples to whom that happened, out of the blue, without warning, so no time to get used to the new situation. Bluntly, those families would find this discussion ridiculous and the entitlement and oblivious privilege on this thread deeply nauseating.

I'm sure PPs will rush to say, oh no, totally different, my poor DH would get all my love and care, blah blah. No, you'd be thinking about how you never signed up for that. Check your freaking privilege, all you who have spent page after page yammering about your husbands who are ABLE to get up, walk to where you are, and bother you.

Either s**t or get off the pot. Either talk to your husbands frankly, like adults, explain your frustrations, and come up with a specific schedule, get a workspace rented or whatever it takes; or divorce. Just stop whining from a position of privilege you don't even recognize you have.

While I understand the point of your post, I can honestly say that if roles were reversed and I became sick/ill/handicapped, my DH would not take care of me. He would likely hire someone to do it, it's crystal clear how selfish he is. So no, I did not sign up for my DH to WFH till eternity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The shift in the marriage and family dynamic is what most of us are really struggling with. I could have done anything for a year during the pandemic, but with no end in sight of some of these working situations it is just too much. I liking it to my friend whose husband is a doctor and is literally pulling 80 hour weeks sometimes. She handle that in the short term and support it. Yeah definitely, but as a new long-term way of life that's not what she signed up for at all.
We did not sign up for work from home husbands. If some people don't mind it and are willing to navigate work from home situations that's fine and that's for that couple to decide, but to insist that every couple must somehow make that work for their family and relationship. It's not only a privileged way of thinking it's also very destructive. There is a Reason mental health issues spiked during covid as well did domestic violence.

People don't "sign up for" many things that happen in their marriages and alter the initial dynamic. A

re you this inflexible about all those changes?

How would some of the PPs on this thread handle a life-altering change like a spouse who became, say, disabled and was at home all the time for that reason, and to whom you were at least partial caregiver at times? I know two couples to whom that happened, out of the blue, without warning, so no time to get used to the new situation. Bluntly, those families would find this discussion ridiculous and the entitlement and oblivious privilege on this thread deeply nauseating.

I'm sure PPs will rush to say, oh no, totally different, my poor DH would get all my love and care, blah blah. No, you'd be thinking about how you never signed up for that. Check your freaking privilege, all you who have spent page after page yammering about your husbands who are ABLE to get up, walk to where you are, and bother you.

Either s**t or get off the pot. Either talk to your husbands frankly, like adults, explain your frustrations, and come up with a specific schedule, get a workspace rented or whatever it takes; or divorce. Just stop whining from a position of privilege you don't even recognize you have.

While I understand the point of your post, I can honestly say that if roles were reversed and I became sick/ill/handicapped, my DH would not take care of me. He would likely hire someone to do it, it's crystal clear how selfish he is. So no, I did not sign up for my DH to WFH till eternity.

+1

Can we stop with the completely hyperbole , strawmen arguments designed to silence women from being anything but sunshine and positivity?

I trust if OPs DH was faced with an incurable disease, she would be drawing a different part of her strengths and managing. That said, *she is still allowed to complain in that circumstance, no matter how selfish that may seem*

As it is, her DH is still completely functional and it’s irritating her that the changes are impacting her. She can express frustration, disillusionment, disenfranchisement, whatever. The conditions of his life have seemingly improved, while hers have been impacted negatively, and there is no movement to equalize that. It’s not because things *cannot* be equalized, as in the case of illness or death, but purely because the other party likes things the way they are.