Reply to DH WFH is a huge turn off

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I don't think you can legitimately complain that he's working from home, given that YOU work from home and apparently prefer it.  He's supposed to get up earlier and deal with a longer commute, but you're not?  You can say that his lack of personal hygiene and sloppy dressing is a turnoff (again, assuming that you shower every day and don't put on PJs until bedtime).  [/quote]

He’s showering every day, just at 9 not 7. He is also working out. So how is his hygiene bad (does he not shower after working out?)
[/quote]
I'm not sure it is, but that would be a legit complaint.  If he's showering, working out, and working in a home office (so it's not like he's in your hair all day), then I think you have to think long and hard about asking him to take on the hassle and expense of commuting again, when it's something you've chosen not to do.[/quote]

My WFH is something WE both chose for me. We have kids and I'm the main caretaker. This was a decision made years ago, therefore I always WFH so I can get kids to/from school and to activities, dr appts, be home for 1/2 days, breaks, etc. The list goes on. [b]He has never been involved in kid duties[/b]. [/quote]

New poster.

Re: the bold above: In your first post you mentioned (burying it in the larger post) that he didn't WFH/help out back when the kids were little and you could have USED his help, but now that the kids are more sellf-sufficient suddenly he's around all the time. Is it fair to say the thought there is, "He's around all the time NOW when they/I don't need him but where was he all those years he was commuting and not home to help"?

I'm getting an extremely strong whiff of deep resentment from you over the fact that you feel he has never, ever been doing enough with the kids compared to you. But [i]you are conflating that resentment and that situation with the WFH issues,[/i] OP. You need to separate out "I resent deeply that you have NEVER been a help with the kids while I have done it all" from the current issue of "I resent that you are physically present in the house." OK? Can you see how you're conflating a larger issue that has been around for the whole marriage, with the WFH issue? I get it, the WFH presence is reminding you there were times he could have been in the house when you actually needed him and this is reminding you he wasn't around then but is now when he's not (to you) wanted.

But especially as the kids are older, and if you have any desire to keep your marriage, you need to realize you're mixing up a lot of past issues with current ones. If you don't get a grip on separating things out, you'll end up with an even bigger ball of anger.

And OP, your anger is further skewed because you really buried the single most troubling thing of all! At the very end of the first post you say his drinking has become a problem. That's a red flag that was waving but you buried it under trivia like his sleeping in, the times he showers, his pajamas etc.

I think you need to sit down and prioritize some issues here; you're currently lumping every resentment and issue into one mess of loathing. That will help and solve nothing.

Do you, OP, actually WANT to help and solve anything, or just to vent angrily? You seem very territorial about the idea that "this was the arrangement when we got married" and keeping that exactly as it was -- though you also resent the part of that same deal where he worked outside the home so much (because you wanted him to help more with the kids--which, to be blunt, is water under the bridge now.O You can't have it both ways and you can't alter that past either.

You say you've talked to him and he sees no reason to change anything. I'd talk to him again but only after some solo work on setting priorities and creating some actual ideas other than "You need to go back to the office so I can have back my exact 'deal' you owe me." The pandemic and the WFH opportunity, which did not exist when you married, negated the deal about which you feel so strongly. I get it, OP, I really do; my own DH is WFH now without prospect of ever going back and I have WFH for years too, so I get the "too much toghetherness" thing. But your anger was there before WFH exacerbated it so badly -- wasn't it?

Come up with actual, concrete solutions including ones where you flex more than you seem willing to. List them. It could be some combo of his going to the office one day a week while you work from somewhere else on a different day each week--that's two of five working days you are not in the house at the same time. And separately it sounds like you and he need to talk, not about the WFH, but about your years of buried resentment re: the kids and his inability (then and now) to flex for you just as you don't want to flex for him. Have you considered whether this is typical of the rest of your marriage? Are you both pretty territorial and stubborn? Worth exploring. I wouldn't even worry about sex and attraction until the two of you can manage to talk about mundane things like work hours and locations with some level of actually hearing and caring about each others' issues. [/quote]

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