DH WFH is a huge turn off

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can COMPLETELY relate. I’ve worked from home for the past ten years while DH worked (mostly) at the office. When COVID hit, he took over my home office because he’s on calls most of the day and we have a very small house and little kids, so it made sense at the time.

Here we are coming up on 2023 and my home office is only “mine” at night and on the weekends. Even so, we’re making it work… but it’s the “absence makes the heart grow fonder” part that is really killing us. When you are constantly around one person 24/7 it’s just a lot. I don’t have an office building to pop into if I need my own space. Even small things like being able to have a friend over for coffee and private conversation or turning up the music while I’m cleaning or - hell, being able to get out of the shower and not have to dodge Mr. Sweatpants because I have sh-t to do and don’t want to have sex right then. It’s. A. Lot. Of. Togetherness.

For those saying OP has had her moment in the sun being home alone for all these years, please understand that they probably had a system that worked well and that system has been upended with no end in sight, and if you don’t have an outlet or an escape, your home can start to feel like a prison.

I feel seen.
It would be one thing if it was a planned work at home. His turn to get the benefits.
It's another thing when it's foisted on us for the pandemic but then never ever ends.

[Anonymous]

^new poster, not op, in case that wasn't obvious

[Anonymous]

Sounds like there are a lot of very defensive ppl that enjoy WFH since covid on here.

OP has not had an office job for years, but should change jobs so she has an office to go to? When her husband has an office out of the house, but refuses? come on...

[Anonymous]

While I find OPs tone to be callous, I understand what she's saying. She liked the dynamic when she was just his wife in the hours before and after the work day, but now she's essentially his wife AND his coworker, since he relies on her to fulfill idle watercooler chat as well. The fact that you seem to loathe him now will probably make it impossible to figure out a better work/life balance though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like there are a lot of very defensive ppl that enjoy WFH since covid on here.

OP has not had an office job for years, but should change jobs so she has an office to go to? When her husband has an office out of the house, but refuses? come on...

Yeah, I do enjoy working from home, and wouldn't easily give it up. OP doesn't have to change jobs if she doesn't want to, but it's unreasonable to demand that her spouse return to the office when he doesn't want to. If my spouse told me I had to work out of the house for them to be attracted to me, I'd not be especially interested in THEM, even if I did go back. There are other ways to handle the "togetherness" that don't require him to inconvenience himself while she gets to keep everything she wants.

[Anonymous]

This is a YOU problem. I get that moving to full time telework was a challenge. It took me a while to find balance and space. Yet, it didn't affect my attraction to my DH. If you need distance to maintain your attraction to your partner, there's something wrong with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can COMPLETELY relate. I’ve worked from home for the past ten years while DH worked (mostly) at the office. When COVID hit, he took over my home office because he’s on calls most of the day and we have a very small house and little kids, so it made sense at the time.

Here we are coming up on 2023 and my home office is only “mine” at night and on the weekends. Even so, we’re making it work… but it’s the “absence makes the heart grow fonder” part that is really killing us. When you are constantly around one person 24/7 it’s just a lot. I don’t have an office building to pop into if I need my own space. Even small things like being able to have a friend over for coffee and private conversation or turning up the music while I’m cleaning or - hell, being able to get out of the shower and not have to dodge Mr. Sweatpants because I have sh-t to do and don’t want to have sex right then. It’s. A. Lot. Of. Togetherness.

For those saying OP has had her moment in the sun being home alone for all these years, please understand that they probably had a system that worked well and that system has been upended with no end in sight, and if you don’t have an outlet or an escape, your home can start to feel like a prison.

YES [phone]

I would never have married a man that WFH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While I find OPs tone to be callous, I understand what she's saying. She liked the dynamic when she was just his wife in the hours before and after the work day, but now she's essentially his wife AND his coworker, since he relies on her to fulfill idle watercooler chat as well. The fact that you seem to loathe him now will probably make it impossible to figure out a better work/life balance though.

I get what she's saying, too, but her attitude is gross. She seems to have contempt for him because he doesn't shower on her schedule and wears PJs in the evening. So what's his motivation to give up WFH? To please her? I'm not sure that I'd bend over backwards for a spouse who only had duty sex with me (and made it clear that they saw it as a chore), just wanted me out of the house, and didn't care that I liked WFH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you still sleeping with him?

If you told him it’sa turn off and you stopped sleeping with him then that should have changed his behavior.

It's a chore that I give into occasionally. He knows I'm not interested.

Well this is why he is going “F it”.

This

I love "surprising" my DH in his home office.

We frequently walk to grab coffee, lunch dates outside of the house, lunch dates in bed, grab breakfast and just hang out. Sometimes we will go catch a movie before picking DS up from school.

I don't understand people not get dressed and just putting on yoga pants or PJs while working from home, but that doesn't sound like the key issue. It sounds like you want the house to yourself, don't engage with him, and that his presence just annoys you. Try planning even 15 minute mid day date outside of the house with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you still sleeping with him?

If you told him it’sa turn off and you stopped sleeping with him then that should have changed his behavior.

It's a chore that I give into occasionally. He knows I'm not interested.

Well this is why he is going “F it”.

This

I love "surprising" my DH in his home office.

We frequently walk to grab coffee, lunch dates outside of the house, lunch dates in bed, grab breakfast and just hang out. Sometimes we will go catch a movie before picking DS up from school.

I don't understand people not get dressed and just putting on yoga pants or PJs while working from home, but that doesn't sound like the key issue. It sounds like you want the house to yourself, don't engage with him, and that his presence just annoys you. Try planning even 15 minute mid day date outside of the house with him.

Different strokes, people. What works for one may not work for the other.. human nature.

[Anonymous]

1) OP is not selfish just because she has "enjoyed" WFH for longer. She took a flexible WFH job so that she could be the primary parent. If you've never don't that, you may not understand that it's not the relaxing WFH experience some people discovered for the first time during Covid. It's doing drop-off/pick-up daily for decade because your spouse has to leave too early and gets home to late to do it. It's doing most of the meal planning for the week, meal prepping between meetings, doing laundry between tasks in the morning. It's doing all the doctors and dentists and vet visits, because you have the "flexible schedule." It's also losing out on career advancement and opportunities to develop relationships with colleagues because you are WFH, because you can never travel as the primary parent, and because you've made a clear choice to prioritize your kids.

OP has not spent the last 20 years getting up at 9am, wearing pajamas half the day, and then drinking until midnight because of the glories of WFH. She's been squeezing work in between caregiving responsibilities. This is not a fair trade.

2) However, I would not try to convince your DH to go back to the office because he obviously doesn't want to. I think he real problem is the late mornings, late nights/drinking, and general behavior of a kid home from college for his first holiday. I totally get why that's a turnoff. I would focus on these behavior and talk specifically about how the impact you directly. The late night drinking is almost definitely hurting intimacy for you guys -- people are critical of the lack of sex here but on the other hand, he's watching TV and drinking until midnight so when is sex supposed to happen? I would talk to him about having a more mature approach to evenings (maybe a glass of wine together on the couch with the TV off, or while watching something you both enjoy, and getting some physical contact) and earlier bedtimes so that there is more time for both physical and emotional intimacy (him staying up watching TV likely also eliminates evening check ins before sleep, which is something my partner and I really value).

3) Then I would start getting away from him as much as you can, in order to get the separation you need. Don't get a new job, that's dumb. Start going for runs in the morning (or walks, or trips to get coffee). Take your laptop elsewhere for chunks of the day to work if you don't have calls/meetings. Start making plans in the early evening during his "pajama time" -- meet up with friends, run errands, go shopping, whatever. He's home and your kids are fairly independent you said, so take that time for yourself and get away from him. I'd also plan some weekends away -- go visit a sibling or a friend, attend some kind of retreat in your industry, whatever excuse you can find. More time apart. He's not making it happen so you have to, but you don't need to go get an office job to do it. Just find elsewhere to be when you can.

I personally think that when he sees you living a very active life, notices you going out more in the evening, and hears you asking for earlier bedtimes so that you guys can get more intimacy, his schedule will adjust and he'll start doing the same. He's still in the honeymoon phase of WFH and I think he's getting complacent. He's acting like a teenager whose strict parents never let him just relax so he's being a lazy college freshman. He can stay WFH, but he can be an adult about it, too. Show him what that looks like.

[Anonymous]

NP. I realize this is going to be hard for the DCUM girl boss and jaded beta-male sets to acknowledge, but please consider that mating strategies are hardwired and for most women having a spouse in the domestic sphere all day--even if they are providing for the family by 21 c standards--is going to be a huge turn off. You can blast me for being sexist or un-PC or whatever, but it's a hallow moral victory if the marriage is ruined. Going to the office a few days a week is not a big ask. Obviously this doesn't apply to couples who agreed to this on their own terms, but for a lot of women having their spouse around at home all day is going to be unattractive and it's unrealistic to expect the OP to just turn that switch off when there is a reasonable middle ground here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) OP is not selfish just because she has "enjoyed" WFH for longer. She took a flexible WFH job so that she could be the primary parent. If you've never don't that, you may not understand that it's not the relaxing WFH experience some people discovered for the first time during Covid. It's doing drop-off/pick-up daily for decade because your spouse has to leave too early and gets home to late to do it. It's doing most of the meal planning for the week, meal prepping between meetings, doing laundry between tasks in the morning. It's doing all the doctors and dentists and vet visits, because you have the "flexible schedule." It's also losing out on career advancement and opportunities to develop relationships with colleagues because you are WFH, because you can never travel as the primary parent, and because you've made a clear choice to prioritize your kids.

OP has not spent the last 20 years getting up at 9am, wearing pajamas half the day, and then drinking until midnight because of the glories of WFH. She's been squeezing work in between caregiving responsibilities. This is not a fair trade.

2) However, I would not try to convince your DH to go back to the office because he obviously doesn't want to. I think he real problem is the late mornings, late nights/drinking, and general behavior of a kid home from college for his first holiday. I totally get why that's a turnoff. I would focus on these behavior and talk specifically about how the impact you directly. The late night drinking is almost definitely hurting intimacy for you guys -- people are critical of the lack of sex here but on the other hand, he's watching TV and drinking until midnight so when is sex supposed to happen? I would talk to him about having a more mature approach to evenings (maybe a glass of wine together on the couch with the TV off, or while watching something you both enjoy, and getting some physical contact) and earlier bedtimes so that there is more time for both physical and emotional intimacy (him staying up watching TV likely also eliminates evening check ins before sleep, which is something my partner and I really value).

3) Then I would start getting away from him as much as you can, in order to get the separation you need. Don't get a new job, that's dumb. Start going for runs in the morning (or walks, or trips to get coffee). Take your laptop elsewhere for chunks of the day to work if you don't have calls/meetings. Start making plans in the early evening during his "pajama time" -- meet up with friends, run errands, go shopping, whatever. He's home and your kids are fairly independent you said, so take that time for yourself and get away from him. I'd also plan some weekends away -- go visit a sibling or a friend, attend some kind of retreat in your industry, whatever excuse you can find. More time apart. He's not making it happen so you have to, but you don't need to go get an office job to do it. Just find elsewhere to be when you can.

I personally think that when he sees you living a very active life, notices you going out more in the evening, and hears you asking for earlier bedtimes so that you guys can get more intimacy, his schedule will adjust and he'll start doing the same. He's still in the honeymoon phase of WFH and I think he's getting complacent. He's acting like a teenager whose strict parents never let him just relax so he's being a lazy college freshman. He can stay WFH, but he can be an adult about it, too. Show him what that looks like.

This, except don't frame it as "maturity" or lack thereof.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) OP is not selfish just because she has "enjoyed" WFH for longer. She took a flexible WFH job so that she could be the primary parent. If you've never don't that, you may not understand that it's not the relaxing WFH experience some people discovered for the first time during Covid. It's doing drop-off/pick-up daily for decade because your spouse has to leave too early and gets home to late to do it. It's doing most of the meal planning for the week, meal prepping between meetings, doing laundry between tasks in the morning. It's doing all the doctors and dentists and vet visits, because you have the "flexible schedule." It's also losing out on career advancement and opportunities to develop relationships with colleagues because you are WFH, because you can never travel as the primary parent, and because you've made a clear choice to prioritize your kids.

OP has not spent the last 20 years getting up at 9am, wearing pajamas half the day, and then drinking until midnight because of the glories of WFH. She's been squeezing work in between caregiving responsibilities. This is not a fair trade.

2) However, I would not try to convince your DH to go back to the office because he obviously doesn't want to. I think he real problem is the late mornings, late nights/drinking, and general behavior of a kid home from college for his first holiday. I totally get why that's a turnoff. I would focus on these behavior and talk specifically about how the impact you directly. The late night drinking is almost definitely hurting intimacy for you guys -- people are critical of the lack of sex here but on the other hand, he's watching TV and drinking until midnight so when is sex supposed to happen? I would talk to him about having a more mature approach to evenings (maybe a glass of wine together on the couch with the TV off, or while watching something you both enjoy, and getting some physical contact) and earlier bedtimes so that there is more time for both physical and emotional intimacy (him staying up watching TV likely also eliminates evening check ins before sleep, which is something my partner and I really value).

3) Then I would start getting away from him as much as you can, in order to get the separation you need. Don't get a new job, that's dumb. Start going for runs in the morning (or walks, or trips to get coffee). Take your laptop elsewhere for chunks of the day to work if you don't have calls/meetings. Start making plans in the early evening during his "pajama time" -- meet up with friends, run errands, go shopping, whatever. He's home and your kids are fairly independent you said, so take that time for yourself and get away from him. I'd also plan some weekends away -- go visit a sibling or a friend, attend some kind of retreat in your industry, whatever excuse you can find. More time apart. He's not making it happen so you have to, but you don't need to go get an office job to do it. Just find elsewhere to be when you can.

I personally think that when he sees you living a very active life, notices you going out more in the evening, and hears you asking for earlier bedtimes so that you guys can get more intimacy, his schedule will adjust and he'll start doing the same. He's still in the honeymoon phase of WFH and I think he's getting complacent. He's acting like a teenager whose strict parents never let him just relax so he's being a lazy college freshman. He can stay WFH, but he can be an adult about it, too. Show him what that looks like.

Well said!!! YES.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) OP is not selfish just because she has "enjoyed" WFH for longer. She took a flexible WFH job so that she could be the primary parent. If you've never don't that, you may not understand that it's not the relaxing WFH experience some people discovered for the first time during Covid. It's doing drop-off/pick-up daily for decade because your spouse has to leave too early and gets home to late to do it. It's doing most of the meal planning for the week, meal prepping between meetings, doing laundry between tasks in the morning. It's doing all the doctors and dentists and vet visits, because you have the "flexible schedule." It's also losing out on career advancement and opportunities to develop relationships with colleagues because you are WFH, because you can never travel as the primary parent, and because you've made a clear choice to prioritize your kids.

OP has not spent the last 20 years getting up at 9am, wearing pajamas half the day, and then drinking until midnight because of the glories of WFH. She's been squeezing work in between caregiving responsibilities. This is not a fair trade.

2) However, I would not try to convince your DH to go back to the office because he obviously doesn't want to. I think he real problem is the late mornings, late nights/drinking, and general behavior of a kid home from college for his first holiday. I totally get why that's a turnoff. I would focus on these behavior and talk specifically about how the impact you directly. The late night drinking is almost definitely hurting intimacy for you guys -- people are critical of the lack of sex here but on the other hand, he's watching TV and drinking until midnight so when is sex supposed to happen? I would talk to him about having a more mature approach to evenings (maybe a glass of wine together on the couch with the TV off, or while watching something you both enjoy, and getting some physical contact) and earlier bedtimes so that there is more time for both physical and emotional intimacy (him staying up watching TV likely also eliminates evening check ins before sleep, which is something my partner and I really value).

3) Then I would start getting away from him as much as you can, in order to get the separation you need. Don't get a new job, that's dumb. Start going for runs in the morning (or walks, or trips to get coffee). Take your laptop elsewhere for chunks of the day to work if you don't have calls/meetings. Start making plans in the early evening during his "pajama time" -- meet up with friends, run errands, go shopping, whatever. He's home and your kids are fairly independent you said, so take that time for yourself and get away from him. I'd also plan some weekends away -- go visit a sibling or a friend, attend some kind of retreat in your industry, whatever excuse you can find. More time apart. He's not making it happen so you have to, but you don't need to go get an office job to do it. Just find elsewhere to be when you can.

I personally think that when he sees you living a very active life, notices you going out more in the evening, and hears you asking for earlier bedtimes so that you guys can get more intimacy, his schedule will adjust and he'll start doing the same. He's still in the honeymoon phase of WFH and I think he's getting complacent. He's acting like a teenager whose strict parents never let him just relax so he's being a lazy college freshman. He can stay WFH, but he can be an adult about it, too. Show him what that looks like.

OP here.. This is a very helpful, and understanding message. Thank you.