How did your sibling being a "dud" impact your relationship with him/her, and with your parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, in truth there is something mentally wrong with your sibling. My sibling suffers from BPD and is fine hanging out with friends or family, but literally attempted suicide once the expectations of work as an adult entered her life.

My parents nurtured her and papered over any problem in life and drained their life savings on her degrees and housing.

You need to focus on what happens after your parents die. Your brother will be destitute and likely look to you for support.

I would actually counsel your parents to buy him his own cheap place (cheap enough it won’t affect applying for disability and be judgement proof) and setting up some trusts for him after they pass they only dribble out the money.

I would start having him see therapist now to identify his issue — it may take some time but it’s there.

This—a cheap house in a cheap town, plus a trust managed by DH—is what my IL’s did for DH’s brother with diagnosed mental illness. With a diagnosis he also qualified for SSDI, Medicaid, home energy help, and more. Of course, simply not wanting to work isn’t going to qualify anybody for assistance, but if your parents die after he reaches 65 at least he’ll have Medicare and qualify for other public assistance.

[Anonymous]

Agree

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the dud of my immediate and extended family. The only one who doesn't have a bachelor's degree, the only one who doesn't own property, etc. I do work, but have gone for 2-3 years at a time out of work. My successful older sibling once lent me $5,000 but I paid him back.

I'm just not somebody my parents can brag about in any way. While I don't think my brother is embarrassed by me, he's not proud to introduce me to people either.

You are just as important. Use your gifts. Money is evil.

Apply your talents! Don’t waste them!

[Anonymous]

Can anyone recommend resources (memoirs, therapy-type books, etc) that speak specifically to experience of being a healthy/functional sibling in a family with a mentally ill / dysfunctional sibling? (And yes, my sibling is codependent and enmeshed with my parents, so it would be great if that is addressed as well.)

[Anonymous]

OP
I have one brother and two sisters.

I am the oldest left home at 17 never looked back.

My Brother three years younger has never held a job for more than a year. He literally scams women and men online who have had hernia repairs gone wrong. He is a criminal. I have had no contact with him for over 30 years now. He has lived in the same house that destroyed his wife and child. But to my mother, he is still a prince???

He has not impacted my life because I cut him out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the dud of my immediate and extended family. The only one who doesn't have a bachelor's degree, the only one who doesn't own property, etc. I do work, but have gone for 2-3 years at a time out of work. My successful older sibling once lent me $5,000 but I paid him back.

I'm just not somebody my parents can brag about in any way. While I don't think my brother is embarrassed by me, he's not proud to introduce me to people either.

You are just as important. Use your gifts. Money is evil.

Apply your talents! Don’t waste them!

I don't have any talents that are useful in a consistent way that could earn me enough money to buy an apartment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is hope, guys!

My dud sibling is finally, FINALLY getting his crap together now that he's approaching his 40s.

He just moved out of my parent's house over the summer. He's actually at a dealership as we speak purchasing a car fully on his own. He's been working full-time without any large gaps for around 5 years now (3 yrs at one job & 2 yrs at his current job).

He even mentioned in a text a few weeks ago that he was out shopping for Christmas gifts for everyone. He's not bought gifts for anyone since he was in his teens. And by anyone, I even mean his kid. My parents and I bought all the gifts for his kid and he'd select a few to put his name on.

Can I count on him 100% to help with things related to my parents? No, but now it's more like 60% which is a lot better than what I would have said last year.

That is great!

I feel like I was a dud in some ways, until my mid 40s. I did some "fun" jobs in my 20s, became a SAHM in my 30s, then finally got my grad degree mid-40s and have been developing professionally for the last 10 years. I don't think it's ever too late for anyone.

I feel like a dud most of the time because I am a SAHM and was underemployed in the early years of motherhood before I became a SAHM. My sibling is successful, and relishes in making snide remarks about my lackluster career. I've recently turned 40 and really hoping to find a future for myself and have considered getting a graduate degree in a field that is interesting to me. Unlike the one I have that is worthless bc I hate the field and was not very successful in it anyway, but that is what happens when you don't have a firm career plan and get pressured by parents (even though they didn't pay for the degree, I did, but pursued what they pushed, stupidly).

Becoming a SAHM was pretty easy for me as I was unsuccessful and unhappy in my prior field, and now starting over because my connections in that field are useless. It is somewhat demoralizing, but, I am grateful that it has been possible for my family to get by on one income.

Hopefully I will find a path for myself and feel more useful. I volunteer often (about 10 hrs/wk on average) and that has been the most important thing for me in the past few years as that has made me feel useful, connected me to some really nice and interesting people, and I like that even though I'm not working to improve the bottom line for my family, I do at least do something that is helpful for others and to the community overall. One day I will "launch"

[Anonymous]

OP, has your brother ever been evaluated? Our family member who was similar to your brother was diagnosed with ASD in his 40s. All these years later, it finally makes sense. The social awkwardness. The emotional neediness. The executive functioning deficits. The mind blindness (he didn’t seem to understand why people thought he was a loser when he wasn’t working and was asking for handouts). I often wonder how life would have been different for him had he been evaluated and received support as a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a parent, you have to give every child what they need, not divide everything equally.

Your sibling clearly has a greater need, as they are unable to work. Be grateful that you are able to work, and don't count on any inheritance

As a parent you have to get your children the HELP, diagnoses and therapies they need to be the best person they can be, whether that’s a handicapped child, mentally disordered child, or learning disabilities.

Given them your money and retirement life is a bandaid and enabling.

If they are truly disabled, mentally or physically, then set up a trust and continue weekly treatments and efforts. Get them as independent as possible. And not a mark.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the dud of my immediate and extended family. The only one who doesn't have a bachelor's degree, the only one who doesn't own property, etc. I do work, but have gone for 2-3 years at a time out of work. My successful older sibling once lent me $5,000 but I paid him back.

I'm just not somebody my parents can brag about in any way. While I don't think my brother is embarrassed by me, he's not proud to introduce me to people either.

You are just as important. Use your gifts. Money is evil.

Apply your talents! Don’t waste them!

I don't have any talents that are useful in a consistent way that could earn me enough money to buy an apartment.

You're not a dud in the sense that's being used on this thread, to describe siblings who simply choose not to work and instead sponge off parents. As long as you're working to the best of your abilities, you deserve respect. Not everybody needs to own property.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can anyone recommend resources (memoirs, therapy-type books, etc) that speak specifically to experience of being a healthy/functional sibling in a family with a mentally ill / dysfunctional sibling? (And yes, my sibling is codependent and enmeshed with my parents, so it would be great if that is addressed as well.)

NAMI had family support groups. They can be helpful to share stories and know you are not alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can anyone recommend resources (memoirs, therapy-type books, etc) that speak specifically to experience of being a healthy/functional sibling in a family with a mentally ill / dysfunctional sibling? (And yes, my sibling is codependent and enmeshed with my parents, so it would be great if that is addressed as well.)

If the issue is addiction, AlAnon is a good support group for the families of addicts.

[Anonymous]

Calling a person a dud is wrong. Every person has value.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Calling a person a dud is wrong. Every person has value.

While I agree in principle, I think the siblings at issue here are the ones who refuse to work. A sibling with mental impairment or illness is most definitely not a dud. A sibling who doesn't make Phi Beta Kappa and go on to Stanford Law School is most definitely not a dud. A sibling who earns an honest living at a regular job is a huge success. But the sibling who doesn't like the idea of work because instead they can sponge off parents indefinitely is, in my book, a dud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP
I have one brother and two sisters.

I am the oldest left home at 17 never looked back.

My Brother three years younger has never held a job for more than a year. He literally scams women and men online who have had hernia repairs gone wrong. He is a criminal. I have had no contact with him for over 30 years now. He has lived in the same house that destroyed his wife and child. But to my mother, he is still a prince???

He has not impacted my life because I cut him out.

I have two uncles like that, one is in jail, the other had to move out of his parents house when the last one died. He got 80% of his parents savings due to him “needing” it (ie being a failure to launch moocher). He immediately moved cross country and lived and worked IT for years. He estranged his only sibling that would try to do a holiday a year with him. Now who knows what’s up.

Scamming is different than the ones who live at home and get scammed all the time. It’s like they have no common sense.