How did your sibling being a "dud" impact your relationship with him/her, and with your parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a parent, you have to give every child what they need, not divide everything equally.

Your sibling clearly has a greater need, as they are unable to work. Be grateful that you are able to work, and don't count on any inheritance

As a parent you have to get your children the HELP, diagnoses and therapies they need to be the best person they can be, whether that’s a handicapped child, mentally disordered child, or learning disabilities.

Given them your money and retirement life is a bandaid and enabling.

If they are truly disabled, mentally or physically, then set up a trust and continue weekly treatments and efforts. Get them as independent as possible. And not a mark.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the dud of my immediate and extended family. The only one who doesn't have a bachelor's degree, the only one who doesn't own property, etc. I do work, but have gone for 2-3 years at a time out of work. My successful older sibling once lent me $5,000 but I paid him back.

I'm just not somebody my parents can brag about in any way. While I don't think my brother is embarrassed by me, he's not proud to introduce me to people either.

You write well enough to have a bachelor’s degree. It’s really not that hard to get one. Why haven’t you gone back to school?

It's actually VERY hard for me. Getting an associate's degree nearly drove me to suicide and took more than twice as long as it should have. Going back to school would probably make me kill myself.

Why is that? Learning disabilities?

[Anonymous]

My parents won’t have any money to leave us, so that’s out of the equation. But one of my sisters has selective mutism and some learning disabilities, so working has always been a challenge for her. My parents have supported her and her children for many, many years. Unfortunately, she married a dud who was happy to mooch off my blue collar parents. He encouraged her to leave the one steady job she ever had to stay home with the kids, and she’s never found her way back.

I feel both angry and sorry for my parents. They felt they had to support her because of the kids, but they have also allowed it to happen. I worry about them running out of money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents won’t have any money to leave us, so that’s out of the equation. But one of my sisters has selective mutism and some learning disabilities, so working has always been a challenge for her. My parents have supported her and her children for many, many years. Unfortunately, she married a dud who was happy to mooch off my blue collar parents. He encouraged her to leave the one steady job she ever had to stay home with the kids, and she’s never found her way back.

I feel both angry and sorry for my parents. They felt they had to support her because of the kids, but they have also allowed it to happen. I worry about them running out of money.

And her children?? Yikes. I have friends with disorders who explicitly do not want children or know they cannot care for them the right way.

[Anonymous]

I had an uncle like this. He was a hippie. Had no problem living off of welfare and my grandfather. He actually would say things like he wouldn’t work for “the man”. He had no close relationships. Never married and none of his 3 siblings respected him. It’s hard not to resent someone who doesn’t work and gets your tax dollars and what might have been your inheritance, but at the same time you wouldn’t want to be them right?

[Anonymous]

My sibling said that he will never work for “the man” when he was 14, snow shoveling neighbor’s driveway. He has been keeping his word for two decades.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had an uncle like this. He was a hippie. Had no problem living off of welfare and my grandfather. He actually would say things like he wouldn’t work for “the man”. He had no close relationships. Never married and none of his 3 siblings respected him. It’s hard not to resent someone who doesn’t work and gets your tax dollars and what might have been your inheritance, but at the same time you wouldn’t want to be them right?

So well put.

My parents did not have much money, but they were very focused on being as fair as possible with what they had. I think they were heavily influenced by two different intergenerational experiences. My mom's parents were also very focused on being fair with their six kids and that has continued across the generations. My father's oldest sister always resented that she wasn't an only child (my dad and the younger sister were born ~10 years after her) and she controlled their mother's modest money and possessions. When our grandmother died, she went into her home along with her daughter and daughter in law and selected everything they wanted and then told my dad and his sister that they could go over. Items even belonging to my dad and sister had been taken. My dad really didn't want to repeat that so my parents followed my maternal grandparents' model.

Yes, kids are not equal and some may need "more," but would be much better if parents were open and transparent about what they were doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sibling said that he will never work for “the man” when he was 14, snow shoveling neighbor’s driveway. He has been keeping his word for two decades.

So relieved that was not my kids' takeaways when we shoveled the sidewalks for neighbors in need when the kids were still at home.

Though my guess is they still think of me as "the man" - lol.

[Anonymous]

Yes. Sibling has had mental health and drug dependency issues since the teen years, now has children and is completely reliant on my parents for most things. Has not held down a consistent job at any point in adulthood. My parents are successful retired professionals and have set up their own long term care, power of attorney, trusts for the grandkids, etc. with consideration for the "situation," as they always refer to it, but there's always the chance that something catastrophic happens.

I vacillate between compassion, pity, anger, resentment, jealousy, and indifference depending on the day and level of drama. I think my parents still hope we'll repair the sibling relationship, but they are also objective enough to see the ways I've been hurt and how it's been unfair to me. It's been the most unfair to them, though. I'm not too bitter to also see it's been an awful life for my sibling and their kids. I know they didn't choose to be this way. It all sucks. No real advice beyond therapy for yourself to set healthy boundaries and recognize codependent patterns.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is hope, guys!

My dud sibling is finally, FINALLY getting his crap together now that he's approaching his 40s.

He just moved out of my parent's house over the summer. He's actually at a dealership as we speak purchasing a car fully on his own. He's been working full-time without any large gaps for around 5 years now (3 yrs at one job & 2 yrs at his current job).

He even mentioned in a text a few weeks ago that he was out shopping for Christmas gifts for everyone. He's not bought gifts for anyone since he was in his teens. And by anyone, I even mean his kid. My parents and I bought all the gifts for his kid and he'd select a few to put his name on.

Can I count on him 100% to help with things related to my parents? No, but now it's more like 60% which is a lot better than what I would have said last year.

That is great!

I feel like I was a dud in some ways, until my mid 40s. I did some "fun" jobs in my 20s, became a SAHM in my 30s, then finally got my grad degree mid-40s and have been developing professionally for the last 10 years. I don't think it's ever too late for anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sibling is the dud....he's autistic but gifted so he made millions when young and trying in life, but now can't hold down a job. And can't cook, clean, really care for himself and isn't good enough with people to hire out help. So he lives with my parents and they take care of him. The money is just locked up and useless.

It's mentally stressful for me because I don't want to become caregiver to all 3. I'm not sure what to do when it happens, I may walk away from all of them.

Millions? Wow what did he do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the dud of my immediate and extended family. The only one who doesn't have a bachelor's degree, the only one who doesn't own property, etc. I do work, but have gone for 2-3 years at a time out of work. My successful older sibling once lent me $5,000 but I paid him back.

I'm just not somebody my parents can brag about in any way. While I don't think my brother is embarrassed by me, he's not proud to introduce me to people either.

You are just as important. Use your gifts. Money is evil.

[Anonymous]

None of my family are duds; regardless of their jobs. You people are horrible.

[Anonymous]

Op, in truth there is something mentally wrong with your sibling. My sibling suffers from BPD and is fine hanging out with friends or family, but literally attempted suicide once the expectations of work as an adult entered her life.

My parents nurtured her and papered over any problem in life and drained their life savings on her degrees and housing.

You need to focus on what happens after your parents die. Your brother will be destitute and likely look to you for support.

I would actually counsel your parents to buy him his own cheap place (cheap enough it won’t affect applying for disability and be judgement proof) and setting up some trusts for him after they pass they only dribble out the money.

I would start having him see therapist now to identify his issue — it may take some time but it’s there.

[Anonymous]

My sister worked basic retail jobs in her early 20s. She attended some college (enough to get debt/loans) but not much and dropped out. She is in recovery for alcoholism and doing well with that. She always worked when she lived with my parents, but they have helped her in a variety of ways over the years. She married a really good and nice guy, and he supports them both. She is basically a stay at home wife / homemaker, but they don't have kids. They both seem pretty happy with that relationship, so I'm happy for her. She did temporarily have a job as an adult (years ago), but it resulted in anxiety and relapse. She is in therapy. She is possibly/probably capable of working, but since her husband is happy with the arrangement, she hasn't tried again.

I don't know if this specifically impacts the relationship. I'm more impacted by not being able to trust her due to some things when she was in a relapsed state, and generally us just not being super close. Her not working doesn't really have an impact, though it is hard for me to understand personally. It doesn't impact my relationship with my parents. There is almost zero chance of inheritance, and my sister is likely to be a primary caretaker for them as they age, which is valuable work too.