How did your sibling being a "dud" impact your relationship with him/her, and with your parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a parent, you have to give every child what they need, not divide everything equally.

Your sibling clearly has a greater need, as they are unable to work. Be grateful that you are able to work, and don't count on any inheritance

It's very clear from the original post that OP sibling is not in any way disabled. I have a similar situation with my sibling. He doesn't need that money. The opposite, in fact. He would very much benefit from never having my parents subsidize him, so he could get a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a brother who is now in his 40s. He has worked for a total of 4 months in his life. My parents pay for his house, his car, his health insurance.... well everything. He literally doesn't earn a penny. He is now talking about going to Europe to study some ridiculous thing. It's a joke. My parents are in poor health and may require millions in care over the next decade. I have been working for 23 years. I am raising three kids. My budget is tight. My parents say they will leave more to me in their will to "even things up", but that assumes that they won't burn through most of their money and that my brother won't need my financial support once they pass. I don't think the arrangement will change with my brother - he simply will never work. He is a nice person and pleasant to be around when I see him.

I have been surprised to learn that many people have someone in their family who is like this - just doesn't pursue any kind of job. My question is how this affected your relationship with your parents and sibling? My parents get really angry and upset when I suggest I don't want to include my brother in something, or I acknowledge that I think he's a loser. It is obvious I will have to be the person coordinating care for my parents as they age, and I'm really resentful that I will likely do this while they are supporting him financially. It's all such a shame, but I just can't have the same warm feelings for any of them that I want to have because I'm so mad about all of this.

It takes a lot of time to coordinate care. You may end up being bitter about that if you have a job and kids while the sibling with more free time does nothing.

[Anonymous]

Most of my friends have a failure to launch sibling. My own brother, 45, has 3 graduate degrees (all funded by our parents)…they have also done massage therapy courses, yoga instructor training, life coach training. They don’t want to work for the man, or take part in our capitalist system, or turn over their time to soul sucking jobs like other people do. They feel our system doesn’t value creatives like himself. When he has worked, he’ll either quit the second his month-long vacay to a silent retreat gets denied, or he’ll stay long enough to burn bridges.
Nor does he help with our parents.
I assume there will be $0 left. And I try to bite my tongue. My parents have cut back on funding but it’s complicated because he has also cut them out of his life a few times. So they bend over backwards to not have that happen again.
Interestingly enough, he’s now had his longest stint of employment thanks to COVID and the ability to work remotely—he spends months at a time Airbnbing all over and has been with the same company for 9 months. So maybe this will stick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the dud of my immediate and extended family. The only one who doesn't have a bachelor's degree, the only one who doesn't own property, etc. I do work, but have gone for 2-3 years at a time out of work. My successful older sibling once lent me $5,000 but I paid him back.

I'm just not somebody my parents can brag about in any way. While I don't think my brother is embarrassed by me, he's not proud to introduce me to people either.

You write well enough to have a bachelor’s degree. It’s really not that hard to get one. Why haven’t you gone back to school?

[Anonymous]

^ I guess I didn’t answer how it impacted our relationships. I am in minimal contact with my brother—the first time he cut me off, 15 years ago, I accepted it and didn’t chase after them. I find him v emotionally needy and I don’t want to invest time or energy in that relationship beyond surface.
I feel compassion for my parents and we’re close, but I think if they cut the cord my brother would be forced to be more independent. I shared that with them years ago. I’m self-sufficient to a fault perhaps and have asked for financial help once as a 19 year old, paid back a month later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the dud of my immediate and extended family. The only one who doesn't have a bachelor's degree, the only one who doesn't own property, etc. I do work, but have gone for 2-3 years at a time out of work. My successful older sibling once lent me $5,000 but I paid him back.

I'm just not somebody my parents can brag about in any way. While I don't think my brother is embarrassed by me, he's not proud to introduce me to people either.

You write well enough to have a bachelor’s degree. It’s really not that hard to get one. Why haven’t you gone back to school?

It's actually VERY hard for me. Getting an associate's degree nearly drove me to suicide and took more than twice as long as it should have. Going back to school would probably make me kill myself.

[Anonymous]

My sibling is the dud....he's autistic but gifted so he made millions when young and trying in life, but now can't hold down a job. And can't cook, clean, really care for himself and isn't good enough with people to hire out help. So he lives with my parents and they take care of him. The money is just locked up and useless.

It's mentally stressful for me because I don't want to become caregiver to all 3. I'm not sure what to do when it happens, I may walk away from all of them.

[Anonymous]

OP, two PPs have offered good advice on how to get ahead as best as you can in advance of when your parents start to decline. These types of convos are perfectly normal to be occurring now and some families have already done so (in case your parents balk a bit). My siblings and I had some challenges in handling some matters with our parents and we had POA, etc. Fortunately we were all on the same page and able to handle the hiccups. You may not be in that same circumstance so best to get going as soon as possible.

You may want to read up on the next phases before you broach the conversation (POA, what Medicare does/n't cover, etc). Knowing all the variables may help the discussions go more smoothly as well as provide a framework to move forward. While your situation seems tricky, transparency is usually the best mode. Ideally you and your brother can get on the same page for at least some of this. Your inheritance may not be viable, but far worse for you to have to assume your parents' financial responsibilities if that really isn't necessary.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the dud of my immediate and extended family. The only one who doesn't have a bachelor's degree, the only one who doesn't own property, etc. I do work, but have gone for 2-3 years at a time out of work. My successful older sibling once lent me $5,000 but I paid him back.

I'm just not somebody my parents can brag about in any way. While I don't think my brother is embarrassed by me, he's not proud to introduce me to people either.

You write well enough to have a bachelor’s degree. It’s really not that hard to get one. Why haven’t you gone back to school?

It's actually VERY hard for me. Getting an associate's degree nearly drove me to suicide and took more than twice as long as it should have. Going back to school would probably make me kill myself.

You are enough and worthy just as you are. Please don’t listen to any of the comments from the miserable overachievers here.

[Anonymous]

There is hope, guys!

My dud sibling is finally, FINALLY getting his crap together now that he's approaching his 40s.

He just moved out of my parent's house over the summer. He's actually at a dealership as we speak purchasing a car fully on his own. He's been working full-time without any large gaps for around 5 years now (3 yrs at one job & 2 yrs at his current job).

He even mentioned in a text a few weeks ago that he was out shopping for Christmas gifts for everyone. He's not bought gifts for anyone since he was in his teens. And by anyone, I even mean his kid. My parents and I bought all the gifts for his kid and he'd select a few to put his name on.

Can I count on him 100% to help with things related to my parents? No, but now it's more like 60% which is a lot better than what I would have said last year.

[Anonymous]

There are three of us and the youngest is the dud. We suspect some undiagnosed mental illness but he’s almost 40 now. Similar to OP, no job or desire to get one. My elderly parents pay for his living expenses.

My other sibling and I coordinate care for my parents. Sibling 2 has basically cut off sibling 3 completely. I still talk to him and hear my parents worry and stress about him. They are concerned he will not be okay after they die someday because they finance everything.

I think he may then finally get a job or we will help out with the minimum to keep him off the street. We have not offered this but I can see it happening. Yeah, it’s stressful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are three of us and the youngest is the dud. We suspect some undiagnosed mental illness but he’s almost 40 now. Similar to OP, no job or desire to get one. My elderly parents pay for his living expenses.

My other sibling and I coordinate care for my parents. Sibling 2 has basically cut off sibling 3 completely. I still talk to him and hear my parents worry and stress about him. They are concerned he will not be okay after they die someday because they finance everything.

I think he may then finally get a job or we will help out with the minimum to keep him off the street. We have not offered this but I can see it happening. Yeah, it’s stressful.

I had an older sibling with a developmental disability, now deceased. Our parents really never wanted her to be a burden, but we never really thought about it that way. We were fortunate that it was really never that way.

IDK how I would have thought about this is if it had been your sibling or OP's or other siblings described here. Our sister's situation was just so clear and our parents really tried to be as equitable as they could (and without much money). Mental illness can be so debilitating yet I can imagine it would also be so frustrating to have a sibling's living expenses covered by parents and then realize there may be an expectation for the working sibling to do the same.

[Anonymous]

I have a first cousin. When he was a little boy he hated school. He would hide when it was time to leave for school. He was painfully, painfully shy.

For decades he has declined work. He inherited enough from his parents to have a steady basic income.

I think he's probably autistic. Nobody in my family figured it out because autism was barely understood when we were kids. A couple of his nephews are diagnosed autistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I actually have two in their 50s/60s but they are taking care of my parents because they have never left. Assume you will not receive any inheritance and plan accordingly. Your sibling and parents will use up any assets they have.

NP

I assume this too. I won’t get any inheritance or property.

My failure to launch 40 yo brother lives at home with my parents, has multiple degrees, multiple firings, and is in fickle relationships sometimes. He has been deeded probably 4 rental properties from my parents, all of which doubled or tripled in value the last ten years and throw off tons of cash flow. He and my father are co-dependent, run around doing hobbies and “fixing things” yet taking ten times as long as anyone else to do so.

My wife only once mentioned, how parents using split inheritances 50/50 but unclear how all the rental properties will go. I can’t answer the question either. Oh well.

[Anonymous]

Mental disorders are usually at the root of it. Be careful if they’re genetic. You’ll be dealing with it from all sides - elderly parents, adult siblings and possibly even your children. Or spouse if you married “what you’re used to.”