How did your sibling being a "dud" impact your relationship with him/her, and with your parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the dud of my immediate and extended family. The only one who doesn't have a bachelor's degree, the only one who doesn't own property, etc. I do work, but have gone for 2-3 years at a time out of work. My successful older sibling once lent me $5,000 but I paid him back.

I'm just not somebody my parents can brag about in any way. While I don't think my brother is embarrassed by me, he's not proud to introduce me to people either.

You are just as important. Use your gifts. Money is evil.

Apply your talents! Don’t waste them!

I don't have any talents that are useful in a consistent way that could earn me enough money to buy an apartment.

That’s impossible to not NO skill or NO talents to work anywhere. Who cares about buying an apartment. Go live in a suburb or normal city, not DC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, has your brother ever been evaluated? Our family member who was similar to your brother was diagnosed with ASD in his 40s. All these years later, it finally makes sense. The social awkwardness. The emotional neediness. The executive functioning deficits. The mind blindness (he didn’t seem to understand why people thought he was a loser when he wasn’t working and was asking for handouts). I often wonder how life would have been different for him had he been evaluated and received support as a child.

ASD is a tough one. For school, work, parent or sibling relationships, for significant others. It’s really tough on everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Calling a person a dud is wrong. Every person has value.

Someone can be both. Being a dud means you’re not applying your value in a productive way whatsoever.

[Anonymous]

One of my brothers is in his early 30s and lives with my mother. As a teenager he was diagnosed with BPD, no idea if that is accurate or not but seems likely. We did not get along at all growing up, it was very difficult to live with him. As a sibling it felt like my parents were always on edge, we could never travel or have fun outings because he would throw huge fits and become aggressive if he didn't get exactly his way.
As an adult I pity and resent him. I live nearby and we have had a decent enough relationship for a few years now so that I am able to visit them. My mother supports him financially from her alimony and a retail job. He tries to control her and at times goes into rages where he'll throw away her belongings or do other mean/annoying things. I wish she would make him leave but I've give up. It's depressing when I think too much about it.
I have no idea what he'll do financially if she passes or gets too old to work, needs to move into a nursing home, etc. There is no inheritance.
He does not speak with any of our other family members and I am comfortable financially but would never support him. I suspect he would be able to hold down a job if he actually needed to but not sure.

[Anonymous]

My brother is exactly as you describe, OP. He just turned 50. He holds jobs for about 4 months and then gets let go and is out of work for a year or two (or more) and then gets a job for 4 months, lather, rinse repeat. He's in sale and marketing and only takes director positions with fly-by-night start-ups, which is probably why they take a chance on him. For a while my parents bought all the stories of why he was laid off, maybe they still do, but it's harder to maintain the illusion when this has been going on for so long. Unlike some of the other siblings on here, my brother is charming and charismatic, but spends his days watching TV and movies, not working. It has put a lot of stress on my elderly parents who, as in the OP, say it will even out in the will where he will get less. I . . . don't see that happening. My brother and I were very close once but his failure to get and hold a job -- any job! -- has affected our relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Calling a person a dud is wrong. Every person has value.

Someone can be both. Being a dud means you’re not applying your value in a productive way whatsoever.

SIL is a dud and resents DH to the nth degree. Which would not matter, if it were not so obvious. She married well, but her DH is simply beyond patient - she gets "stressed out" about everything, and she doesn't work or do much, at all. Her elderly mother still caters to her, so there is that. But yeah, she is definitely a dud - he could have done so much better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can anyone recommend resources (memoirs, therapy-type books, etc) that speak specifically to experience of being a healthy/functional sibling in a family with a mentally ill / dysfunctional sibling? (And yes, my sibling is codependent and enmeshed with my parents, so it would be great if that is addressed as well.)

Does Diane Kenton’s book fit the bill?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can anyone recommend resources (memoirs, therapy-type books, etc) that speak specifically to experience of being a healthy/functional sibling in a family with a mentally ill / dysfunctional sibling? (And yes, my sibling is codependent and enmeshed with my parents, so it would be great if that is addressed as well.)

Does Diane Kenton’s book fit the bill?

Keaton.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can anyone recommend resources (memoirs, therapy-type books, etc) that speak specifically to experience of being a healthy/functional sibling in a family with a mentally ill / dysfunctional sibling? (And yes, my sibling is codependent and enmeshed with my parents, so it would be great if that is addressed as well.)

I really like reading memoirs and am surprised I haven't looked for this before to help process my brother. I haven't read it but a quick search brought up

The Normal One: Life with a Difficult or Damaged Sibling by Jeanne
https://www.amazon.com/Normal-One-Difficult-Damaged-Sibling/dp/0385337566/


There are others focused on siblings with special needs but that doesn't apply to my sibling:

Being the Other One: Growing Up with a Brother or Sister Who Has Special Needsby Kate Strohm

Special Siblings: Growing Up with Someone with a Disability, Revised Edition by Mary McHugh

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can anyone recommend resources (memoirs, therapy-type books, etc) that speak specifically to experience of being a healthy/functional sibling in a family with a mentally ill / dysfunctional sibling? (And yes, my sibling is codependent and enmeshed with my parents, so it would be great if that is addressed as well.)

I really like reading memoirs and am surprised I haven't looked for this before to help process my brother. I haven't read it but a quick search brought up

The Normal One: Life with a Difficult or Damaged Sibling by Jeanne
https://www.amazon.com/Normal-One-Difficult-Damaged-Sibling/dp/0385337566/


There are others focused on siblings with special needs but that doesn't apply to my sibling:

Being the Other One: Growing Up with a Brother or Sister Who Has Special Needsby Kate Strohm

Special Siblings: Growing Up with Someone with a Disability, Revised Edition by Mary McHugh

Adding one more since a PP mentioned possible addiction issues:

The Shadow Child: Living With a Sibling's Addiction by Ashleigh Nowakowski with a Foreword by Tom Farley (brother of Chris)

[Anonymous]

I think it’s usually a mental or learning issue, either untreated or ignored. Who would want to live like this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Calling a person a dud is wrong. Every person has value.

I totally agree. It’s name calling and it’s wrong, and if OP is saying this sort of thing to her parents, it’s no wonder they react strongly to it. Describe the behavior - refusal to work, for example. Call out the behavior. But the labeling of a family member is disrespectful.

[Anonymous]

Both of my siblings mooch heavily off of my parents who refuse to cut them off and constantly enable their behavior. They each live, for free, in homes my parents own. Neither work. One has kids for which my mother provides free constant childcare (even though my sister doesn’t work). The other got my parents to buy him a car.

All of them (even my parents) come to me for money and I have had to cut them off financially. I cannot have a normal relationship with my siblings so I have had to put up huge boundaries with them and now I barely see or speak to them (which has drastically reduced my stress).

I have my own family and children to worry about; my time and resources need to be focused on them, not my siblings. I do resent them and have made it clear that when my mother passes away I am not stepping in to support them financially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both of my siblings mooch heavily off of my parents who refuse to cut them off and constantly enable their behavior. They each live, for free, in homes my parents own. Neither work. One has kids for which my mother provides free constant childcare (even though my sister doesn’t work). The other got my parents to buy him a car.

All of them (even my parents) come to me for money and I have had to cut them off financially. I cannot have a normal relationship with my siblings so I have had to put up huge boundaries with them and now I barely see or speak to them (which has drastically reduced my stress).

I have my own family and children to worry about; my time and resources need to be focused on them, not my siblings. I do resent them and have made it clear that when my mother passes away I am not stepping in to support them financially.

+1

One of my siblings took everything from my parents, and is always hitting up the other siblings for more - they know not to ask me. At some point, the family has to stop enabling such behavior, so that the one who seems "needy" can do for themselves. Give a man a fish.....teach a man to fish....and all.

DH has a sibling that is almost exactly similar. MIL enables her, provided free childcare, family provided a job, never worked much, etc. Typical situation of family members enabling, not doing for herself, not calling her on her BS, spiraling until she is helpless, she is allegedly the only one who needs something or matters, it's all about her, narcissism, to hell with everyone else.....

It gets old when you are the one who was given nothing, that person was handed everything, yet has no appreciation for all your contributions or trying to help, and others are marginalized by the needy one, because it is all about them. Really no reason to help when they can be such users. It's when they try to talk sh*t about the helpers that it gets juicy, because people see the situation for what it is, faster than they would otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both of my siblings mooch heavily off of my parents who refuse to cut them off and constantly enable their behavior. They each live, for free, in homes my parents own. Neither work. One has kids for which my mother provides free constant childcare (even though my sister doesn’t work). The other got my parents to buy him a car.

All of them (even my parents) come to me for money and I have had to cut them off financially. I cannot have a normal relationship with my siblings so I have had to put up huge boundaries with them and now I barely see or speak to them (which has drastically reduced my stress).

I have my own family and children to worry about; my time and resources need to be focused on them, not my siblings. I do resent them and have made it clear that when my mother passes away I am not stepping in to support them financially.

I'm sorry, pp. Is your mom buying love?