How did your sibling being a "dud" impact your relationship with him/her, and with your parents

[Anonymous]

I have a brother who is now in his 40s. He has worked for a total of 4 months in his life. My parents pay for his house, his car, his health insurance.... well everything. He literally doesn't earn a penny. He is now talking about going to Europe to study some ridiculous thing. It's a joke. My parents are in poor health and may require millions in care over the next decade. I have been working for 23 years. I am raising three kids. My budget is tight. My parents say they will leave more to me in their will to "even things up", but that assumes that they won't burn through most of their money and that my brother won't need my financial support once they pass. I don't think the arrangement will change with my brother - he simply will never work. He is a nice person and pleasant to be around when I see him.

I have been surprised to learn that many people have someone in their family who is like this - just doesn't pursue any kind of job. My question is how this affected your relationship with your parents and sibling? My parents get really angry and upset when I suggest I don't want to include my brother in something, or I acknowledge that I think he's a loser. It is obvious I will have to be the person coordinating care for my parents as they age, and I'm really resentful that I will likely do this while they are supporting him financially. It's all such a shame, but I just can't have the same warm feelings for any of them that I want to have because I'm so mad about all of this.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I actually have two in their 50s/60s but they are taking care of my parents because they have never left. Assume you will not receive any inheritance and plan accordingly. Your sibling and parents will use up any assets they have.

[Anonymous]

I actually had an uncle who was exactly like this, and he ended up taking care of my grandfather during his end of life care.

[Anonymous]

It is really unfortunate OP. My dad was this way and it fell on me to coordinate my grandmother's care, and handle that mental load with a newborn. As her health declined over the years, he was certain to get control of her finances, but left all the difficult care of her to me. I have such little respect for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I actually have two in their 50s/60s but they are taking care of my parents because they have never left. Assume you will not receive any inheritance and plan accordingly. Your sibling and parents will use up any assets they have.

This. Though I'm not in the "dud sibling" situation personally, I've had close friends who were, and who were extremely stressed at the prospect of arranging all care for aging, ailing parents while a supposedly healthy adult sat there expecting to be funded even as parents got older. In your case, OP, I would consider whether you need to do some research now -- before your parents actually start really failing and needing care imminently, needing to sell their house/move to assisted living/whatever -- about options. So you're not doing the research as you're also stewing about your brother and worried about your parents' immediate health. I know! Your brother should be doing all this work, I agree, as payback for his being supported forever. But it's going to fall to you, so go ahead now and figure out things like their wishes re: assisted living or staying in their home (which may not even be possible); do they have living wills; do they need you to have power of attorney and/or power over medical decisions (arrange this now, NOT when they are already ill and stressed!) etc.

It is horrible to try to do any of this when a parent is suddenly in the hospital and there is no DNR order, no living will, the other parent is distressed and not making clear decisions, their Medicare etc. isn't covering enough costs, etc. It's just planning you can do now to ensure that things are less frustrating and time-consuming when they do start to fail. It also will head off any attempts by your brother to barge in and say he's going to make all the decisions at that point.

[Anonymous]

I'm the dud of my immediate and extended family. The only one who doesn't have a bachelor's degree, the only one who doesn't own property, etc. I do work, but have gone for 2-3 years at a time out of work. My successful older sibling once lent me $5,000 but I paid him back.

I'm just not somebody my parents can brag about in any way. While I don't think my brother is embarrassed by me, he's not proud to introduce me to people either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the dud of my immediate and extended family. The only one who doesn't have a bachelor's degree, the only one who doesn't own property, etc. I do work, but have gone for 2-3 years at a time out of work. My successful older sibling once lent me $5,000 but I paid him back.

I'm just not somebody my parents can brag about in any way. While I don't think my brother is embarrassed by me, he's not proud to introduce me to people either.

These things do not make you a dud. What makes you a dud is a lack of effort and a lack of caring about other people and how your choices impact them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a brother who is now in his 40s. He has worked for a total of 4 months in his life. My parents pay for his house, his car, his health insurance.... well everything. He literally doesn't earn a penny. He is now talking about going to Europe to study some ridiculous thing. It's a joke. My parents are in poor health and may require millions in care over the next decade. I have been working for 23 years. I am raising three kids. My budget is tight. My parents say they will leave more to me in their will to "even things up", but that assumes that they won't burn through most of their money and that my brother won't need my financial support once they pass. I don't think the arrangement will change with my brother - he simply will never work. He is a nice person and pleasant to be around when I see him.

I have been surprised to learn that many people have someone in their family who is like this - just doesn't pursue any kind of job. My question is how this affected your relationship with your parents and sibling? My parents get really angry and upset when I suggest I don't want to include my brother in something, or I acknowledge that I think he's a loser. It is obvious I will have to be the person coordinating care for my parents as they age, and I'm really resentful that I will likely do this while they are supporting him financially. It's all such a shame, but I just can't have the same warm feelings for any of them that I want to have because I'm so mad about all of this.

Your parents are making their own choices. You need to stop trying to argue with them about this. It's not helping to tell them that you think your brother is a loser or trying to exclude him from a family event. You need to (1) assume you will get no inheritance, (2) make plans now for how you will deal with their care. Talk to them about what they want, run some numbers, figure out what your end of things looks like, what you can do and what you are willing to do. Front-load the work so that it's not a crisis. And (3) make it 100 percent clear that you will not be supporting your brother financially after they pass, so no one should count on that. Unless he has a disability that prevents him from working, in which case he should be ON disability, you will not be supporting an able-bodied adult. If they want to leave him more money, fine, but it's not coming out of your pocket.

[Anonymous]

OMG, I am you, only my brother is in his 30s and parents already did burn through all the assets, and now constantly asking me for money. Also, my brother is not very pleasant to be around, and sometimes borderline sociopath. We barely communicate. He worked part-time during freshman year in college, before he dropped out. That’s it. That was the first and the last year he filed taxes. I try not to think about what’s waiting for me in the future, when I have to arrange their care and deal with my brother directly.

Don’t have any advice for you, but want to give you a hug. You are not alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG, I am you, only my brother is in his 30s and parents already did burn through all the assets, and now constantly asking me for money. Also, my brother is not very pleasant to be around, and sometimes borderline sociopath. We barely communicate. He worked part-time during freshman year in college, before he dropped out. That’s it. That was the first and the last year he filed taxes. I try not to think about what’s waiting for me in the future, when I have to arrange their care and deal with my brother directly.

Don’t have any advice for you, but want to give you a hug. You are not alone.

I hope you're not giving your parents money when they ask? They made their choices, they can't make you and you should not feel obligated to fund them (or your brother) when they could have done things very differently. I'm not suggesting you abandon them or not care what happens to them, but you also in no way should run yourself or your family's finances into the ground supporting them after they made such terrible choices.

[Anonymous]

As a parent, you have to give every child what they need, not divide everything equally.

Your sibling clearly has a greater need, as they are unable to work. Be grateful that you are able to work, and don't count on any inheritance

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a parent, you have to give every child what they need, not divide everything equally.

Your sibling clearly has a greater need, as they are unable to work. Be grateful that you are able to work, and don't count on any inheritance

BS. Nowhere in OP's post is it stated that brother has some sort of "greater need." He is in his 40s and has not worked but can evidently be cordial and carry on a conversation. Lots of jobs available who have those basic skills.

What parents should have given him decades ago (and what he truly needed) was a defined timeline to become self-sufficient. And then cut him off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually had an uncle who was exactly like this, and he ended up taking care of my grandfather during his end of life care.

I think this is common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG, I am you, only my brother is in his 30s and parents already did burn through all the assets, and now constantly asking me for money. Also, my brother is not very pleasant to be around, and sometimes borderline sociopath. We barely communicate. He worked part-time during freshman year in college, before he dropped out. That’s it. That was the first and the last year he filed taxes. I try not to think about what’s waiting for me in the future, when I have to arrange their care and deal with my brother directly.

Don’t have any advice for you, but want to give you a hug. You are not alone.

I hope you're not giving your parents money when they ask? They made their choices, they can't make you and you should not feel obligated to fund them (or your brother) when they could have done things very differently. I'm not suggesting you abandon them or not care what happens to them, but you also in no way should run yourself or your family's finances into the ground supporting them after they made such terrible choices.

I am the PP and yes, sadly, I do give them money when I can. Every time I do it, I feel like such a looser, but when I say "no" I feel guilty and bad. I am trying to figure out a system, with certain amount of allowance they get. Thank you for the words of encouragement. It's just so hard when it is tied up to all the emotional baggage from the childhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a parent, you have to give every child what they need, not divide everything equally.

Your sibling clearly has a greater need, as they are unable to work. Be grateful that you are able to work, and don't count on any inheritance

Choosing the lifestyle of a bum is not being “unable to work”.