My mother will not speak to me because I stood up to her
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
I basically told her that constantly criticizing someone's choices-- their home, their work, their drapes, whatever-- because they don't align with yours doesn't make you a likable person, especially with your kids and grandkids. She got really huffy and mumbled something about me not valuing family and respecting elders. After that, she pretty much stopped calling other than requesting via text that I put "her grandchildren on the phone so they can speak with their grandmother." Exact words. |
Anonymous
OP here. I've done this with my mother. She gets angry and throws out zingers meant to hit the jugular if I don't stay on the phone. I tell her I don't want to talk about a certain topic anymore, i.e. politics, and then she insults me. So I tell her my kids are doing something crazy and I need to go. |
Anonymous
Here's a tactic I take with my kids when trying to teach empathy and perspective: Tell the story from your mother's perspective. To the extent possible, avoid "basically" and use actual words used. Recount the words you said, rather than the message you intended to convey. What does that look like? |
Anonymous
One of your mistakes is that you frame this as a 'want' rather than a line in the sand. You also tolerate insults. You make excuses to disengage rather than pointing out you are disengaging (hanging up) because she has crossed the line. You are not 'training' her how to treat you. There needs to be a clear association between cause/effect. |
Anonymous
+1 You also should expect to make mistakes and not be 'good' at it at first. Remember, whatever you practice, you get better at. |
Anonymous
| OP I think we have the same mother and I also as a middle age woman finally drew lines in the sand. She stopped speaking to us, which really was a great break. She tries to pull the whole she only loves her grandchildren and not us so she just wants a relationship with them, but they hate her drama and she stresses them out. Basically our only rule is be decent or go away. We see her much less and hear from her much less because it's just very hard for her not to insult, tantrum, manipulate, guilt trip, etc. When she tries to give money or any gift, we make it clear we are saying thank you, but if there are strings, we are not interested. That infuriates her. We don't need gifts. We just want basic decency. |
Anonymous
| I've had a similar relationship with my mother, OP. Stand strong, don't let a lifetime of being trained to feel guilty for her reaction. Determine your standards for adult interactions, make no exception for her and hold your ground. You've got this!! |
Anonymous
Also try not telling someone they're not likeable and expecting a positive result. |
Anonymous
+1. I came here from Jeff's daily recap to back you up. Maybe OP's mother is horrible, maybe not. But nothing OP has mentioned seems horrible or deserving of her dramatic reactions to offers or money or simple requests to spend Thanksgiving together or weekly phone calls. Perhaps if OP gives this some time for reflection, she might see that a little compassion or empathy is warranted on her side. Even scaling down the negativity. FWIW, my kids are still in school/grad school, talk with me all the time, and are spending Thanksgiving with me. So I have no dog in this fight. |
Anonymous
| So stop worrying about her happiness. |
Anonymous
It is fine not to call your mom for a while. Really, take this time to read some books like Boundaries and Toxic Parents. Have a nice Xmas without her and you can think through what your relationship might look like in 2023. I am incredibly low contact with my dad. We can go weeks and weeks without communicating. I see him 5 or 6 times a year. Sometimes just a few hours, sometimes overnight. But he is not nearly as bad as your mom. My kids have never heard him criticize me and he is nice to them (because he is barely around, if he hung around something totally out of hand would happen). You don’t have to spend your life listening to someone criticize you all the time. It doesn’t matter who that person is. And your kids are never going to think someone like this is an awesome grandma. I had a great grandma that was terrible. She was totally mean to everyone. My youngest sister was 4 years old when my grandma took us all over to see great grandma, so I would have been 10. Great grandma yelled at my sister for the backs of her dress shoes touching the couch — not on purpose given she was four and her legs didn’t touch the floor. This was the final straw. My grandma sent us all to the car, but I overheard her tell great grandma that this was the last time she would bring us kids to see her. I remember feeling so very relieved. This woman had been horribly critical of everyone and everything around her the whole 10 years of my life. I have nothing but appreciation for my grandma for protecting us come This. |
Anonymous
Again, how and why are you guys just glossing over the rest of the post where OP describes her mother as scheming, control, manipulative, and critical. Literally no one has a problem with a mother offering money or wanting contact. It's when those things come with strings, insults, and criticisms that the problems come out. What is so difficult to understand about that? |
Anonymous
Because lots of us have a passive aggressive or critical parent or two and we don’t insult them by calling them “unlikable” for offering us money and then cut them off. We tell them we find this or that *behavior* hard to deal with, that we won’t deal with this or that *behavior*, with the goal of having an adult conversation around the “behavior.” This is parenting 101 with your own kids, btw. Insulting mom and then not talking to her is the nuclear option. Your willingness to condone it is what’s hard to understand. |
Anonymous
You clearly don't come from a family where money is used to manipulate and control. If you want to give a gift that is lovely as long as a heartfelt thank you note is enough. If you have a long list of demands and expectations that you don't spell out for your 100 bucks then it is not beautiful. If your gift comes with strings you need to make them clear so the person can decline. I would much rather earn my own and save for my kids education because my mother turns every gift of money even $20 into a drama. If a child writes a thank you note and says I will spend it on a board game then she is furious we don't teach them to save. If they don't thank her enough in person she is offended. if the thank you note is too brief she is offended. There is a point where you pass from giving into using a gift as way to inflict emotional harm on a person. |
Anonymous
we don’t insult them by calling them “unlikable” for offering us money and then cut them off. Again, that is not what happened. Why do you insist on changing OP's narrative to fit your own circumstance? |