My mother will not speak to me because I stood up to her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the feedback. I remember both of my parents getting into arguments with relatives that went on for hours and eventually both sides either made up or did not speak for years. It was so much extra stress for people with small kids, I imagine. And now they’re trying to get into it with me. I know the next thing will be “you’re keeping me from my grandchildren.” I could smell it coming.

So what are you going to say? You need to have a plan. For example, if she wants to visit at Christmas, she stays at a hotel. You can meet in public places. If she begins acting rude and making passive aggressive comments, you simply leave.

Or you can say, “Yes, right now I am. I do not want to expose them to your toxic behavior. This is what setting boundaries looks like.”

Or maybe OP can take some of that toxic money her mother keeps offering -- offering money!! How dare she!! -- and put it in a college fund for her kids. That or explain to her kids that their grandmother kept toxically offering money that their mother refused, so they can just work at Mickey D's during college to make ends meet. I'm sure they're be thankful for the boundaries and all.

No, no, honey. She didn’t accept money because it comes with strings attached. Mom wants control. Too damn bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Looks like OP’s mom is on a roll with the last 3 posts.

No, she's not, but I am. I don't know OP or her mom -- only what OP herself has posted. I cannot believe what passes for "toxicity" on DCUM. Such fools, to lose their own mothers over this stupid level of behavior.

It's not a loss if the mom is unsupportive and critical.

If that upsets you, it's probably a good time for self reflection.

Once again, threads about "boundaries" are always dominated by people giving advice that suits THEIR circumstances. OP spelled out exactly what her complaints were:

"DH and I have not done her bidding— not accepted money from her, did not agree to spend every Thanksgiving with her (she tried to demand it), do not require the kids to speak with her every week (they do not enjoy taking to her because she’s nosy) and opted not to live near her. We’ll, things came to a head and I told her it’s time to stop if she wants a good relationship with us. It’s been crickets for days."

I don't think most parents of adult kids, or most adult kids dealing with parents, would find offering money, wanting to spend thanksgiving together or wishing they lived near each other to be upsetting. Sorry, those are pretty standard things. It's no wonder it's been crickets for days from her mother's end. She's sick of the dramatic reactions to everything she does. I really can't blame her -- again, based on what OP herself wrote not you.

Forgot to add, wanting to speak to her grandchildren. I highly doubt the grandchildren object because the grandmother is nosy. Most children LOVE when people take an interest in them. That's what a grandmother should be doing -- being nosy. But hey, if crickets works for you and your kids, then enjoy.

You’re spinning your own fan fiction and doing a terrible job at it. Don’t quit your day job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH has observed her behavior with me and at one point a few years ago remarked that he thinks both of my parents have it in for me. He once threatened to kick them out of our house because their their sniping at me.

OP, what happened most recently? How did you "call her out"?

I basically told her that constantly criticizing someone's choices-- their home, their work, their drapes, whatever-- because they don't align with yours doesn't make you a likable person, especially with your kids and grandkids. She got really huffy and mumbled something about me not valuing family and respecting elders. After that, she pretty much stopped calling other than requesting via text that I put "her grandchildren on the phone so they can speak with their grandmother." Exact words.

Here's a tactic I take with my kids when trying to teach empathy and perspective:

Tell the story from your mother's perspective. To the extent possible, avoid "basically" and use actual words used. Recount the words you said, rather than the message you intended to convey.

What does that look like?

Also try not telling someone they're not likeable and expecting a positive result.

Shrug. Try not routinely exhibiting rude, controlling, unlikeable behavior and people won’t call you unlikeable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the feedback. I remember both of my parents getting into arguments with relatives that went on for hours and eventually both sides either made up or did not speak for years. It was so much extra stress for people with small kids, I imagine. And now they’re trying to get into it with me. I know the next thing will be “you’re keeping me from my grandchildren.” I could smell it coming.

So what are you going to say? You need to have a plan. For example, if she wants to visit at Christmas, she stays at a hotel. You can meet in public places. If she begins acting rude and making passive aggressive comments, you simply leave.

Or you can say, “Yes, right now I am. I do not want to expose them to your toxic behavior. This is what setting boundaries looks like.”

Or maybe OP can take some of that toxic money her mother keeps offering -- offering money!! How dare she!! -- and put it in a college fund for her kids. That or explain to her kids that their grandmother kept toxically offering money that their mother refused, so they can just work at Mickey D's during college to make ends meet. I'm sure they're be thankful for the boundaries and all.

No, no, honey. She didn’t accept money because it comes with strings attached. Mom wants control. Too damn bad.

You're gonna need to cite the strings in question, but you can't do that because OP herself never described these strings. No, the poster at 13:37 doesn't count because she's not OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH has observed her behavior with me and at one point a few years ago remarked that he thinks both of my parents have it in for me. He once threatened to kick them out of our house because their their sniping at me.

OP, what happened most recently? How did you "call her out"?

I basically told her that constantly criticizing someone's choices-- their home, their work, their drapes, whatever-- because they don't align with yours doesn't make you a likable person, especially with your kids and grandkids. She got really huffy and mumbled something about me not valuing family and respecting elders. After that, she pretty much stopped calling other than requesting via text that I put "her grandchildren on the phone so they can speak with their grandmother." Exact words.

Here's a tactic I take with my kids when trying to teach empathy and perspective:

Tell the story from your mother's perspective. To the extent possible, avoid "basically" and use actual words used. Recount the words you said, rather than the message you intended to convey.

What does that look like?

Also try not telling someone they're not likeable and expecting a positive result.

Shrug. Try not routinely exhibiting rude, controlling, unlikeable behavior and people won’t call you unlikeable.

Whoosh... the sound of you missing the point. Spewing ad hominems at mom is never going to get the desired change. Instead, how about talking to mom like an adult, mentioning what bothers you and where your boundaries are. That might bring the change you want, but clearly this approach is too mature for many of you here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Looks like OP’s mom is on a roll with the last 3 posts.

No, she's not, but I am. I don't know OP or her mom -- only what OP herself has posted. I cannot believe what passes for "toxicity" on DCUM. Such fools, to lose their own mothers over this stupid level of behavior.

It's not a loss if the mom is unsupportive and critical.

If that upsets you, it's probably a good time for self reflection.

Once again, threads about "boundaries" are always dominated by people giving advice that suits THEIR circumstances. OP spelled out exactly what her complaints were:

"DH and I have not done her bidding— not accepted money from her, did not agree to spend every Thanksgiving with her (she tried to demand it), do not require the kids to speak with her every week (they do not enjoy taking to her because she’s nosy) and opted not to live near her. We’ll, things came to a head and I told her it’s time to stop if she wants a good relationship with us. It’s been crickets for days."

I don't think most parents of adult kids, or most adult kids dealing with parents, would find offering money, wanting to spend thanksgiving together or wishing they lived near each other to be upsetting. Sorry, those are pretty standard things. It's no wonder it's been crickets for days from her mother's end. She's sick of the dramatic reactions to everything she does. I really can't blame her -- again, based on what OP herself wrote not you.

+1. I came here from Jeff's daily recap to back you up.

Maybe OP's mother is horrible, maybe not. But nothing OP has mentioned seems horrible or deserving of her dramatic reactions to offers or money or simple requests to spend Thanksgiving together or weekly phone calls. Perhaps if OP gives this some time for reflection, she might see that a little compassion or empathy is warranted on her side. Even scaling down the negativity.

FWIW, my kids are still in school/grad school, talk with me all the time, and are spending Thanksgiving with me. So I have no dog in this fight.

Again, how and why are you guys just glossing over the rest of the post where OP describes her mother as scheming, control, manipulative, and critical. Literally no one has a problem with a mother offering money or wanting contact. It's when those things come with strings, insults, and criticisms that the problems come out. What is so difficult to understand about that?

Because lots of us have a passive aggressive or critical parent or two and we don’t insult them by calling them “unlikable” for offering us money and then cut them off. We tell them we find this or that *behavior* hard to deal with, that we won’t deal with this or that *behavior*, with the goal of having an adult conversation around the “behavior.” This is parenting 101 with your own kids, btw.

Insulting mom and then not talking to her is the nuclear option. Your willingness to condone it is what’s hard to understand.

Well said.

[Anonymous]

How's it going OP? Is she still not speaking to you? Are you able to enjoy the peace?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How's it going OP? Is she still not speaking to you? Are you able to enjoy the peace?

WTH is wrong with you, bumping this thread? You know OP is long gone. It’s like you’re a drama vampire.