My mother will not speak to me because I stood up to her

[Anonymous]

I called her out on her manipulative behavior and refused to let her have her way yet again. She’s always had a scheming, controlling, passive aggressive personality and I finally told her I’ve had enough. DH and I have not done her bidding— not accepted money from her, did not agree to spend every Thanksgiving with her (she tried to demand it), do not require the kids to speak with her every week (they do not enjoy taking to her because she’s nosy) and opted not to live near her. We’ll, things came to a head and I told her it’s time to stop if she wants a good relationship with us. It’s been crickets for days. I think she’s going to let this go one forever except when she comes for Christmas (she invites herself every year). So, how would you all handle? I feel too old for this— near 50. I’m tired of her crap and tired of worrying about her happiness. Conversations with her degrade into criticisms of where we live, our kids school, our lack of interest in church, our neighborhood, etc. Call her, let it go? Yes, she’s 75 but that doesn’t give her license to behave the way she does. She’s lost friends over the years bc of how she acts. Of course, it’s always everyone else.

[Anonymous]

Give it some more time right now. Keep yourself busy. You can do this. She’ll be fine.

[Anonymous]

You don't handle it. Don't contact her if she does not contact you (apart perhaps from birthday or Holiday wishes, just to be courteous). Don't invite her over for Christmas - you can go on a little trip at around that time.

If you're nearly 50 you should have learned all this long ago. I cut off my mother for half a year in my 30s, after an escalation of verbal abuse. She learned her lesson and has been way more polite and considerate ever since.

[Anonymous]

OP, was in the same situation. It takes a while when you've been trained to accept this level of manipulation.

Right now, don't stir that pot of crazy and don't be tempted at all to contact her. Have a nice peaceful December with your kids.

[Anonymous]

Just to be clear, I would let it go and definitely not contact her until after she contacts you.

[Anonymous]

Why would you allow her to invite herself for Christmas? Nope.

[Anonymous]

Enjoy the peace and don’t call her. Decide what you plan to do if she shows up for Xmas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would you allow her to invite herself for Christmas? Nope.

OP here. I tried to keep the peace for the sake of the kids having grandparents. Looking back, though, that only resulted in some ugly moments including pushy behavior when it first kid was born-refusing the leave the hospital at my request because she felt she had a right to be there.

I’ve also seen this sad grudges play out in my family over the decades and did not want to be part of that either. But here we are surprise, surprise. My dad will not speak with me either. She controls him.

[Anonymous]

Leave it alone. The point you are trying to make needs to sink in. If you contact her you will undermine any effect. Decide now how you want to handle Christmas and be ready with that if and when she contacts you. She may just show up at your house on Christmas without reaching out first, so she doesn’t give you the power to tell her not to come.

[Anonymous]

This is going to be a challenge for you. You’re already here seeking out permission to contact her.
DON’T.

When you feel like you want to reach out, just come and read this thread. Give yourself a treat for every day you don’t reach out. She’s counting on you to stumble and call with an apology. As another poster said, doing so would just undermine what you said and make it seem like you really didn’t mean it. She’s attempting to punish you with her silent treatment. Please don’t engage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you allow her to invite herself for Christmas? Nope.

OP here. I tried to keep the peace for the sake of the kids having grandparents. Looking back, though, that only resulted in some ugly moments including pushy behavior when it first kid was born-refusing the leave the hospital at my request because she felt she had a right to be there.

I’ve also seen this sad grudges play out in my family over the decades and did not want to be part of that either. But here we are surprise, surprise. My dad will not speak with me either. She controls him.

13:54 here. The wake-up call is that your kids see it too. My kids (even my preschooler daughter, whom my mother called fat on every occasion), had had enough of their Grandma. I wasn't going to force a nasty grandparent on my kids.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for all the feedback. I remember both of my parents getting into arguments with relatives that went on for hours and eventually both sides either made up or did not speak for years. It was so much extra stress for people with small kids, I imagine. And now they’re trying to get into it with me. I know the next thing will be “you’re keeping me from my grandchildren.” I could smell it coming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't handle it. Don't contact her if she does not contact you (apart perhaps from birthday or Holiday wishes, just to be courteous). Don't invite her over for Christmas - you can go on a little trip at around that time.

If you're nearly 50 you should have learned all this long ago. I cut off my mother for half a year in my 30s, after an escalation of verbal abuse. She learned her lesson and has been way more polite and considerate ever since.

Why did it take you until your 30s? You should have learned long before then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is going to be a challenge for you. You’re already here seeking out permission to contact her.
DON’T.

When you feel like you want to reach out, just come and read this thread. Give yourself a treat for every day you don’t reach out. She’s counting on you to stumble and call with an apology. As another poster said, doing so would just undermine what you said and make it seem like you really didn’t mean it. She’s attempting to punish you with her silent treatment. Please don’t engage.

+1 She has trained you well. She had all of your formulative years to do it and just look how successful it's been all these years. Treat her as you would a tantruming toddler - ignore her. If/when she can behave appropriately, you can engage with her on your terms.

No matter what happens, I would consider not allowing her to come for Christmas. I suggest you wait until some time has passed and she has consistently demonstrated appropriate behaviors. You should model for your kids the behaviors you want them to have. Just because someone is 'family' doesn't mean they can treat you like crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the feedback. I remember both of my parents getting into arguments with relatives that went on for hours and eventually both sides either made up or did not speak for years. It was so much extra stress for people with small kids, I imagine. And now they’re trying to get into it with me. I know the next thing will be “you’re keeping me from my grandchildren.” I could smell it coming.

So what are you going to say? You need to have a plan. For example, if she wants to visit at Christmas, she stays at a hotel. You can meet in public places. If she begins acting rude and making passive aggressive comments, you simply leave.

Or you can say, “Yes, right now I am. I do not want to expose them to your toxic behavior. This is what setting boundaries looks like.”