My mother will not speak to me because I stood up to her

[Anonymous]

Telling your mother she’s “unlikable” is not “standing up to her.” It’s a middle school temper tantrum.

And adult would tell mom directly, “we always struggle about your gifts of money so it’s better you find another gift this year.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the feedback. I remember both of my parents getting into arguments with relatives that went on for hours and eventually both sides either made up or did not speak for years. It was so much extra stress for people with small kids, I imagine. And now they’re trying to get into it with me. I know the next thing will be “you’re keeping me from my grandchildren.” I could smell it coming.

So what are you going to say? You need to have a plan. For example, if she wants to visit at Christmas, she stays at a hotel. You can meet in public places. If she begins acting rude and making passive aggressive comments, you simply leave.

Or you can say, “Yes, right now I am. I do not want to expose them to your toxic behavior. This is what setting boundaries looks like.”

Or maybe OP can take some of that toxic money her mother keeps offering -- offering money!! How dare she!! -- and put it in a college fund for her kids. That or explain to her kids that their grandmother kept toxically offering money that their mother refused, so they can just work at Mickey D's during college to make ends meet. I'm sure they're be thankful for the boundaries and all.

You clearly don't come from a family where money is used to manipulate and control. If you want to give a gift that is lovely as long as a heartfelt thank you note is enough. If you have a long list of demands and expectations that you don't spell out for your 100 bucks then it is not beautiful. If your gift comes with strings you need to make them clear so the person can decline. I would much rather earn my own and save for my kids education because my mother turns every gift of money even $20 into a drama. If a child writes a thank you note and says I will spend it on a board game then she is furious we don't teach them to save. If they don't thank her enough in person she is offended. if the thank you note is too brief she is offended. There is a point where you pass from giving into using a gift as way to inflict emotional harm on a person.

DP. My rich and successful grandparents sent my second grade thank you notes back with grammatical corrections.

Did anybody scream insults at them? Of course not. My mom told them to stop. (She never showed me the notes, but she did mention all this after they died.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Telling your mother she’s “unlikable” is not “standing up to her.” It’s a middle school temper tantrum.

And adult would tell mom directly, “we always struggle about your gifts of money so it’s better you find another gift this year.”

You must be thinking of a different thread. This post is not about OP objecting to a gift of money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the feedback. I remember both of my parents getting into arguments with relatives that went on for hours and eventually both sides either made up or did not speak for years. It was so much extra stress for people with small kids, I imagine. And now they’re trying to get into it with me. I know the next thing will be “you’re keeping me from my grandchildren.” I could smell it coming.

So what are you going to say? You need to have a plan. For example, if she wants to visit at Christmas, she stays at a hotel. You can meet in public places. If she begins acting rude and making passive aggressive comments, you simply leave.

Or you can say, “Yes, right now I am. I do not want to expose them to your toxic behavior. This is what setting boundaries looks like.”

Or maybe OP can take some of that toxic money her mother keeps offering -- offering money!! How dare she!! -- and put it in a college fund for her kids. That or explain to her kids that their grandmother kept toxically offering money that their mother refused, so they can just work at Mickey D's during college to make ends meet. I'm sure they're be thankful for the boundaries and all.

You clearly don't come from a family where money is used to manipulate and control. If you want to give a gift that is lovely as long as a heartfelt thank you note is enough. If you have a long list of demands and expectations that you don't spell out for your 100 bucks then it is not beautiful. If your gift comes with strings you need to make them clear so the person can decline. I would much rather earn my own and save for my kids education because my mother turns every gift of money even $20 into a drama. If a child writes a thank you note and says I will spend it on a board game then she is furious we don't teach them to save. If they don't thank her enough in person she is offended. if the thank you note is too brief she is offended. There is a point where you pass from giving into using a gift as way to inflict emotional harm on a person.

DP. My rich and successful grandparents sent my second grade thank you notes back with grammatical corrections.

Did anybody scream insults at them? Of course not. My mom told them to stop. (She never showed me the notes, but she did mention all this after they died.)

And no one is screaming insults here. You want so badly for this mother to be a victim. Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Telling your mother she’s “unlikable” is not “standing up to her.” It’s a middle school temper tantrum.

And adult would tell mom directly, “we always struggle about your gifts of money so it’s better you find another gift this year.”

You must be thinking of a different thread. This post is not about OP objecting to a gift of money.

OP definitely complained about offers of money. You must not have read the thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the feedback. I remember both of my parents getting into arguments with relatives that went on for hours and eventually both sides either made up or did not speak for years. It was so much extra stress for people with small kids, I imagine. And now they’re trying to get into it with me. I know the next thing will be “you’re keeping me from my grandchildren.” I could smell it coming.

So what are you going to say? You need to have a plan. For example, if she wants to visit at Christmas, she stays at a hotel. You can meet in public places. If she begins acting rude and making passive aggressive comments, you simply leave.

Or you can say, “Yes, right now I am. I do not want to expose them to your toxic behavior. This is what setting boundaries looks like.”

Or maybe OP can take some of that toxic money her mother keeps offering -- offering money!! How dare she!! -- and put it in a college fund for her kids. That or explain to her kids that their grandmother kept toxically offering money that their mother refused, so they can just work at Mickey D's during college to make ends meet. I'm sure they're be thankful for the boundaries and all.

You clearly don't come from a family where money is used to manipulate and control. If you want to give a gift that is lovely as long as a heartfelt thank you note is enough. If you have a long list of demands and expectations that you don't spell out for your 100 bucks then it is not beautiful. If your gift comes with strings you need to make them clear so the person can decline. I would much rather earn my own and save for my kids education because my mother turns every gift of money even $20 into a drama. If a child writes a thank you note and says I will spend it on a board game then she is furious we don't teach them to save. If they don't thank her enough in person she is offended. if the thank you note is too brief she is offended. There is a point where you pass from giving into using a gift as way to inflict emotional harm on a person.

DP. My rich and successful grandparents sent my second grade thank you notes back with grammatical corrections.

Did anybody scream insults at them? Of course not. My mom told them to stop. (She never showed me the notes, but she did mention all this after they died.)

And no one is screaming insults here. You want so badly for this mother to be a victim. Why?

OP insulted her mother instead of addressing the problem like a mature adult. Why are you so invested in defending this behavior?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the feedback. I remember both of my parents getting into arguments with relatives that went on for hours and eventually both sides either made up or did not speak for years. It was so much extra stress for people with small kids, I imagine. And now they’re trying to get into it with me. I know the next thing will be “you’re keeping me from my grandchildren.” I could smell it coming.

So what are you going to say? You need to have a plan. For example, if she wants to visit at Christmas, she stays at a hotel. You can meet in public places. If she begins acting rude and making passive aggressive comments, you simply leave.

Or you can say, “Yes, right now I am. I do not want to expose them to your toxic behavior. This is what setting boundaries looks like.”

Or maybe OP can take some of that toxic money her mother keeps offering -- offering money!! How dare she!! -- and put it in a college fund for her kids. That or explain to her kids that their grandmother kept toxically offering money that their mother refused, so they can just work at Mickey D's during college to make ends meet. I'm sure they're be thankful for the boundaries and all.

You clearly don't come from a family where money is used to manipulate and control. If you want to give a gift that is lovely as long as a heartfelt thank you note is enough. If you have a long list of demands and expectations that you don't spell out for your 100 bucks then it is not beautiful. If your gift comes with strings you need to make them clear so the person can decline. I would much rather earn my own and save for my kids education because my mother turns every gift of money even $20 into a drama. If a child writes a thank you note and says I will spend it on a board game then she is furious we don't teach them to save. If they don't thank her enough in person she is offended. if the thank you note is too brief she is offended. There is a point where you pass from giving into using a gift as way to inflict emotional harm on a person.

DP. My rich and successful grandparents sent my second grade thank you notes back with grammatical corrections.

Did anybody scream insults at them? Of course not. My mom told them to stop. (She never showed me the notes, but she did mention all this after they died.)

And no one is screaming insults here. You want so badly for this mother to be a victim. Why?

OP insulted her mother instead of addressing the problem like a mature adult. Why are you so invested in defending this behavior?

PS, I saw this thread yesterday and rolled my eyes at the usual cast of hysterical adult children blaming their parents for every possible thing and trying to impose their own situations on yet another OP’s different circumstances. But I didn’t post here yesterday because I figured you guys were incapable of looking outside your own narcissistic selves, so why bother. Then I saw Jeff’s recap where he said you’d be mad at him, too, and I also figured OP was getting self-serving advice from a bunch of immature narcissists. So I came on to support that earlier pp who called for calm reason and even a little empathy.

Now I’m done with this thread, because you’ll never grow up or stop making every thread about yourselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't handle it. Don't contact her if she does not contact you (apart perhaps from birthday or Holiday wishes, just to be courteous). Don't invite her over for Christmas - you can go on a little trip at around that time.

If you're nearly 50 you should have learned all this long ago. I cut off my mother for half a year in my 30s, after an escalation of verbal abuse. She learned her lesson and has been way more polite and considerate ever since.

Why did it take you until your 30s? You should have learned long before then.

You're absolutely right. I regret waiting that long, but like OP, I dragged it out until my kids made comments. So I know what I'm talking about.

You're not the only person who's ever had to deal with a problematic mother; likewise, your experience and methods may not work for everyone.

Why are you picking a fight with PP?

Why are you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the feedback. I remember both of my parents getting into arguments with relatives that went on for hours and eventually both sides either made up or did not speak for years. It was so much extra stress for people with small kids, I imagine. And now they’re trying to get into it with me. I know the next thing will be “you’re keeping me from my grandchildren.” I could smell it coming.

So what are you going to say? You need to have a plan. For example, if she wants to visit at Christmas, she stays at a hotel. You can meet in public places. If she begins acting rude and making passive aggressive comments, you simply leave.

Or you can say, “Yes, right now I am. I do not want to expose them to your toxic behavior. This is what setting boundaries looks like.”

Or maybe OP can take some of that toxic money her mother keeps offering -- offering money!! How dare she!! -- and put it in a college fund for her kids. That or explain to her kids that their grandmother kept toxically offering money that their mother refused, so they can just work at Mickey D's during college to make ends meet. I'm sure they're be thankful for the boundaries and all.

You clearly don't come from a family where money is used to manipulate and control. If you want to give a gift that is lovely as long as a heartfelt thank you note is enough. If you have a long list of demands and expectations that you don't spell out for your 100 bucks then it is not beautiful. If your gift comes with strings you need to make them clear so the person can decline. I would much rather earn my own and save for my kids education because my mother turns every gift of money even $20 into a drama. If a child writes a thank you note and says I will spend it on a board game then she is furious we don't teach them to save. If they don't thank her enough in person she is offended. if the thank you note is too brief she is offended. There is a point where you pass from giving into using a gift as way to inflict emotional harm on a person.

DP. My rich and successful grandparents sent my second grade thank you notes back with grammatical corrections.

Did anybody scream insults at them? Of course not. My mom told them to stop. (She never showed me the notes, but she did mention all this after they died.)

And no one is screaming insults here. You want so badly for this mother to be a victim. Why?

OP insulted her mother instead of addressing the problem like a mature adult. Why are you so invested in defending this behavior?

PS, I saw this thread yesterday and rolled my eyes at the usual cast of hysterical adult children blaming their parents for every possible thing and trying to impose their own situations on yet another OP’s different circumstances. But I didn’t post here yesterday because I figured you guys were incapable of looking outside your own narcissistic selves, so why bother. Then I saw Jeff’s recap where he said you’d be mad at him, too, and I also figured OP was getting self-serving advice from a bunch of immature narcissists. So I came on to support that earlier pp who called for calm reason and even a little empathy.

Now I’m done with this thread, because you’ll never grow up or stop making every thread about yourselves.

OP, I see your mom found the thread. Love how she throws insults around. So classy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Telling your mother she’s “unlikable” is not “standing up to her.” It’s a middle school temper tantrum.

And adult would tell mom directly, “we always struggle about your gifts of money so it’s better you find another gift this year.”

You must be thinking of a different thread. This post is not about OP objecting to a gift of money.

OP definitely complained about offers of money. You must not have read the thread.

Money with strings. And if a gift is offered and refused, why would the giver be upset?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the feedback. I remember both of my parents getting into arguments with relatives that went on for hours and eventually both sides either made up or did not speak for years. It was so much extra stress for people with small kids, I imagine. And now they’re trying to get into it with me. I know the next thing will be “you’re keeping me from my grandchildren.” I could smell it coming.

So what are you going to say? You need to have a plan. For example, if she wants to visit at Christmas, she stays at a hotel. You can meet in public places. If she begins acting rude and making passive aggressive comments, you simply leave.

Or you can say, “Yes, right now I am. I do not want to expose them to your toxic behavior. This is what setting boundaries looks like.”

Or maybe OP can take some of that toxic money her mother keeps offering -- offering money!! How dare she!! -- and put it in a college fund for her kids. That or explain to her kids that their grandmother kept toxically offering money that their mother refused, so they can just work at Mickey D's during college to make ends meet. I'm sure they're be thankful for the boundaries and all.

You clearly don't come from a family where money is used to manipulate and control. If you want to give a gift that is lovely as long as a heartfelt thank you note is enough. If you have a long list of demands and expectations that you don't spell out for your 100 bucks then it is not beautiful. If your gift comes with strings you need to make them clear so the person can decline. I would much rather earn my own and save for my kids education because my mother turns every gift of money even $20 into a drama. If a child writes a thank you note and says I will spend it on a board game then she is furious we don't teach them to save. If they don't thank her enough in person she is offended. if the thank you note is too brief she is offended. There is a point where you pass from giving into using a gift as way to inflict emotional harm on a person.

DP. My rich and successful grandparents sent my second grade thank you notes back with grammatical corrections.

Did anybody scream insults at them? Of course not. My mom told them to stop. (She never showed me the notes, but she did mention all this after they died.)

And no one is screaming insults here. You want so badly for this mother to be a victim. Why?

OP insulted her mother instead of addressing the problem like a mature adult. Why are you so invested in defending this behavior?

Because I'm opposed to gaslighting and exaggerating. No one was screaming, certainly not about money. This is what OP said:

I basically told her that constantly criticizing someone's choices-- their home, their work, their drapes, whatever-- because they don't align with yours doesn't make you a likable person, especially with your kids and grandkids. She got really huffy and mumbled something about me not valuing family and respecting elders. After that, she pretty much stopped calling other than requesting via text that I put "her grandchildren on the phone so they can speak with their grandmother." Exact words.

That exchange sounds like a natural consequence to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the feedback. I remember both of my parents getting into arguments with relatives that went on for hours and eventually both sides either made up or did not speak for years. It was so much extra stress for people with small kids, I imagine. And now they’re trying to get into it with me. I know the next thing will be “you’re keeping me from my grandchildren.” I could smell it coming.

So what are you going to say? You need to have a plan. For example, if she wants to visit at Christmas, she stays at a hotel. You can meet in public places. If she begins acting rude and making passive aggressive comments, you simply leave.

Or you can say, “Yes, right now I am. I do not want to expose them to your toxic behavior. This is what setting boundaries looks like.”

Or maybe OP can take some of that toxic money her mother keeps offering -- offering money!! How dare she!! -- and put it in a college fund for her kids. That or explain to her kids that their grandmother kept toxically offering money that their mother refused, so they can just work at Mickey D's during college to make ends meet. I'm sure they're be thankful for the boundaries and all.

You clearly don't come from a family where money is used to manipulate and control. If you want to give a gift that is lovely as long as a heartfelt thank you note is enough. If you have a long list of demands and expectations that you don't spell out for your 100 bucks then it is not beautiful. If your gift comes with strings you need to make them clear so the person can decline. I would much rather earn my own and save for my kids education because my mother turns every gift of money even $20 into a drama. If a child writes a thank you note and says I will spend it on a board game then she is furious we don't teach them to save. If they don't thank her enough in person she is offended. if the thank you note is too brief she is offended. There is a point where you pass from giving into using a gift as way to inflict emotional harm on a person.

DP. My rich and successful grandparents sent my second grade thank you notes back with grammatical corrections.

Did anybody scream insults at them? Of course not. My mom told them to stop. (She never showed me the notes, but she did mention all this after they died.)

And no one is screaming insults here. You want so badly for this mother to be a victim. Why?

OP insulted her mother instead of addressing the problem like a mature adult. Why are you so invested in defending this behavior?

PS, I saw this thread yesterday and rolled my eyes at the usual cast of hysterical adult children blaming their parents for every possible thing and trying to impose their own situations on yet another OP’s different circumstances. But I didn’t post here yesterday because I figured you guys were incapable of looking outside your own narcissistic selves, so why bother. Then I saw Jeff’s recap where he said you’d be mad at him, too, and I also figured OP was getting self-serving advice from a bunch of immature narcissists. So I came on to support that earlier pp who called for calm reason and even a little empathy.

Now I’m done with this thread, because you’ll never grow up or stop making every thread about yourselves.

Oh. The irony.

[Anonymous]

First of all -- you invite her --- on your terms
Hotel
Everyone needs their privacy. And space. Not endless visiting that tries everyone. No on can be on good behavior all day

Unless you are willing to do your part, Op, we can't help you

(btw, Mommy mad at you for a few days is not a big thing. It takes longer than "a few days" ... probably months or years to change patterns of behavior)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the feedback. I remember both of my parents getting into arguments with relatives that went on for hours and eventually both sides either made up or did not speak for years. It was so much extra stress for people with small kids, I imagine. And now they’re trying to get into it with me. I know the next thing will be “you’re keeping me from my grandchildren.” I could smell it coming.

So what are you going to say? You need to have a plan. For example, if she wants to visit at Christmas, she stays at a hotel. You can meet in public places. If she begins acting rude and making passive aggressive comments, you simply leave.

Or you can say, “Yes, right now I am. I do not want to expose them to your toxic behavior. This is what setting boundaries looks like.”

Or maybe OP can take some of that toxic money her mother keeps offering -- offering money!! How dare she!! -- and put it in a college fund for her kids. That or explain to her kids that their grandmother kept toxically offering money that their mother refused, so they can just work at Mickey D's during college to make ends meet. I'm sure they're be thankful for the boundaries and all.

You clearly don't come from a family where money is used to manipulate and control. If you want to give a gift that is lovely as long as a heartfelt thank you note is enough. If you have a long list of demands and expectations that you don't spell out for your 100 bucks then it is not beautiful. If your gift comes with strings you need to make them clear so the person can decline. I would much rather earn my own and save for my kids education because my mother turns every gift of money even $20 into a drama. If a child writes a thank you note and says I will spend it on a board game then she is furious we don't teach them to save. If they don't thank her enough in person she is offended. if the thank you note is too brief she is offended. There is a point where you pass from giving into using a gift as way to inflict emotional harm on a person.

DP. My rich and successful grandparents sent my second grade thank you notes back with grammatical corrections.

Did anybody scream insults at them? Of course not. My mom told them to stop. (She never showed me the notes, but she did mention all this after they died.)

And no one is screaming insults here. You want so badly for this mother to be a victim. Why?

OP insulted her mother instead of addressing the problem like a mature adult. Why are you so invested in defending this behavior?

PS, I saw this thread yesterday and rolled my eyes at the usual cast of hysterical adult children blaming their parents for every possible thing and trying to impose their own situations on yet another OP’s different circumstances. But I didn’t post here yesterday because I figured you guys were incapable of looking outside your own narcissistic selves, so why bother. Then I saw Jeff’s recap where he said you’d be mad at him, too, and I also figured OP was getting self-serving advice from a bunch of immature narcissists. So I came on to support that earlier pp who called for calm reason and even a little empathy.

Now I’m done with this thread, because you’ll never grow up or stop making every thread about yourselves.

OP, I see your mom found the thread. Love how she throws insults around. So classy!

Oh ffs. Anybody who disagrees with your professional diagnosis must be OP's mom. Grow the heck up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I called her out on her manipulative behavior and refused to let her have her way yet again. She’s always had a scheming, controlling, passive aggressive personality and I finally told her I’ve had enough. DH and I have not done her bidding— not accepted money from her, did not agree to spend every Thanksgiving with her (she tried to demand it), do not require the kids to speak with her every week (they do not enjoy taking to her because she’s nosy) and opted not to live near her. We’ll, things came to a head and I told her it’s time to stop if she wants a good relationship with us. It’s been crickets for days. I think she’s going to let this go one forever except when she comes for Christmas (she invites herself every year). So, how would you all handle? I feel too old for this— near 50. I’m tired of her crap and tired of worrying about her happiness. Conversations with her degrade into criticisms of where we live, our kids school, our lack of interest in church, our neighborhood, etc. Call her, let it go? Yes, she’s 75 but that doesn’t give her license to behave the way she does. She’s lost friends over the years bc of how she acts. Of course, it’s always everyone else.

You sound awful. Maybe she's enjoying the time off from you and your endless negativity and drama.

You sound manipulative and awful.