My mother will not speak to me because I stood up to her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't handle it. Don't contact her if she does not contact you (apart perhaps from birthday or Holiday wishes, just to be courteous). Don't invite her over for Christmas - you can go on a little trip at around that time.

If you're nearly 50 you should have learned all this long ago. I cut off my mother for half a year in my 30s, after an escalation of verbal abuse. She learned her lesson and has been way more polite and considerate ever since.

Why did it take you until your 30s? You should have learned long before then.

You're absolutely right. I regret waiting that long, but like OP, I dragged it out until my kids made comments. So I know what I'm talking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't handle it. Don't contact her if she does not contact you (apart perhaps from birthday or Holiday wishes, just to be courteous). Don't invite her over for Christmas - you can go on a little trip at around that time.

If you're nearly 50 you should have learned all this long ago. I cut off my mother for half a year in my 30s, after an escalation of verbal abuse. She learned her lesson and has been way more polite and considerate ever since.

Why did it take you until your 30s? You should have learned long before then.

You're absolutely right. I regret waiting that long, but like OP, I dragged it out until my kids made comments. So I know what I'm talking about.

You're not the only person who's ever had to deal with a problematic mother; likewise, your experience and methods may not work for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Try reading this book called “Boundaries”. I think it would be helpful for you.

Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life https://a.co/d/dzFbTOY

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't handle it. Don't contact her if she does not contact you (apart perhaps from birthday or Holiday wishes, just to be courteous). Don't invite her over for Christmas - you can go on a little trip at around that time.

If you're nearly 50 you should have learned all this long ago. I cut off my mother for half a year in my 30s, after an escalation of verbal abuse. She learned her lesson and has been way more polite and considerate ever since.

Why did it take you until your 30s? You should have learned long before then.

You're absolutely right. I regret waiting that long, but like OP, I dragged it out until my kids made comments. So I know what I'm talking about.

You're not the only person who's ever had to deal with a problematic mother; likewise, your experience and methods may not work for everyone.

Why are you picking a fight with PP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I called her out on her manipulative behavior and refused to let her have her way yet again. She’s always had a scheming, controlling, passive aggressive personality and I finally told her I’ve had enough. DH and I have not done her bidding— not accepted money from her, did not agree to spend every Thanksgiving with her (she tried to demand it), do not require the kids to speak with her every week (they do not enjoy taking to her because she’s nosy) and opted not to live near her. We’ll, things came to a head and I told her it’s time to stop if she wants a good relationship with us. It’s been crickets for days. I think she’s going to let this go one forever except when she comes for Christmas (she invites herself every year). So, how would you all handle? I feel too old for this— near 50. I’m tired of her crap and tired of worrying about her happiness. Conversations with her degrade into criticisms of where we live, our kids school, our lack of interest in church, our neighborhood, etc. Call her, let it go? Yes, she’s 75 but that doesn’t give her license to behave the way she does. She’s lost friends over the years bc of how she acts. Of course, it’s always everyone else.

You sound awful. Maybe she's enjoying the time off from you and your endless negativity and drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try reading this book called “Boundaries”. I think it would be helpful for you.

Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life https://a.co/d/dzFbTOY

Sounds like OP's mom is the one who already read this book. LOL go grandma. You greyrock, girl!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the feedback. I remember both of my parents getting into arguments with relatives that went on for hours and eventually both sides either made up or did not speak for years. It was so much extra stress for people with small kids, I imagine. And now they’re trying to get into it with me. I know the next thing will be “you’re keeping me from my grandchildren.” I could smell it coming.

So what are you going to say? You need to have a plan. For example, if she wants to visit at Christmas, she stays at a hotel. You can meet in public places. If she begins acting rude and making passive aggressive comments, you simply leave.

Or you can say, “Yes, right now I am. I do not want to expose them to your toxic behavior. This is what setting boundaries looks like.”

Or maybe OP can take some of that toxic money her mother keeps offering -- offering money!! How dare she!! -- and put it in a college fund for her kids. That or explain to her kids that their grandmother kept toxically offering money that their mother refused, so they can just work at Mickey D's during college to make ends meet. I'm sure they're be thankful for the boundaries and all.

[Anonymous]

Looks like OP’s mom is on a roll with the last 3 posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Looks like OP’s mom is on a roll with the last 3 posts.

It really does.

Stay strong OP and let her ignore you as long as she wants, and take a breather.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Looks like OP’s mom is on a roll with the last 3 posts.

No, she's not, but I am. I don't know OP or her mom -- only what OP herself has posted. I cannot believe what passes for "toxicity" on DCUM. Such fools, to lose their own mothers over this stupid level of behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I called her out on her manipulative behavior and refused to let her have her way yet again. She’s always had a scheming, controlling, passive aggressive personality and I finally told her I’ve had enough. DH and I have not done her bidding— not accepted money from her, did not agree to spend every Thanksgiving with her (she tried to demand it), do not require the kids to speak with her every week (they do not enjoy taking to her because she’s nosy) and opted not to live near her. We’ll, things came to a head and I told her it’s time to stop if she wants a good relationship with us. It’s been crickets for days. I think she’s going to let this go one forever except when she comes for Christmas (she invites herself every year). So, how would you all handle? I feel too old for this— near 50. I’m tired of her crap and tired of worrying about her happiness. Conversations with her degrade into criticisms of where we live, our kids school, our lack of interest in church, our neighborhood, etc. Call her, let it go? Yes, she’s 75 but that doesn’t give her license to behave the way she does. She’s lost friends over the years bc of how she acts. Of course, it’s always everyone else.

What exactly did you do/say? It matters, no matter how much of your perspective you give on how you view her and what she has done over the years.

And sounds to me like you didn't want her in your life, so why are you complaining?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Looks like OP’s mom is on a roll with the last 3 posts.

No, she's not, but I am. I don't know OP or her mom -- only what OP herself has posted. I cannot believe what passes for "toxicity" on DCUM. Such fools, to lose their own mothers over this stupid level of behavior.

So you’d be okay with someone criticizing you at every turn about the choices you make for your family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Looks like OP’s mom is on a roll with the last 3 posts.

No, she's not, but I am. I don't know OP or her mom -- only what OP herself has posted. I cannot believe what passes for "toxicity" on DCUM. Such fools, to lose their own mothers over this stupid level of behavior.

It's not a loss if the mom is unsupportive and critical.

If that upsets you, it's probably a good time for self reflection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Looks like OP’s mom is on a roll with the last 3 posts.

No, she's not, but I am. I don't know OP or her mom -- only what OP herself has posted. I cannot believe what passes for "toxicity" on DCUM. Such fools, to lose their own mothers over this stupid level of behavior.

It's not a loss if the mom is unsupportive and critical.

If that upsets you, it's probably a good time for self reflection.

PP again. For example, I am a mother, and I applaud OP. I feel badly that her mother has treated her this way. OP deserves better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Looks like OP’s mom is on a roll with the last 3 posts.

No, she's not, but I am. I don't know OP or her mom -- only what OP herself has posted. I cannot believe what passes for "toxicity" on DCUM. Such fools, to lose their own mothers over this stupid level of behavior.

So you’d be okay with someone criticizing you at every turn about the choices you make for your family?

Of course, if the mother here only ever criticizes, then OP should be happy to not have to interact with her. But OP isn't.

And the original post indicates that the mother wants them to live close, wants to spend holidays with them, wants to talk to the grandkids once a week and inquire about their lives, and wants to give them money. She also makes negative/critical comments about their neighborhood and school and worries that they are not involved in religion, likely pressuring them to go to church/Sunday school. Overall, a mixed bag.

I think OP should provide more actual context here on what caused the confrontation. One possibility is that the mother made a comment she shouldn't have made and OP lost it, which is totally understandable during the stress of holidays. But is now trying to make herself feel better by painting her mother as deserving of it and listing long histories of grievances to feel justified. That may not be the case. But we all do it at times, and it might help OP to reflect.