In tears about my daughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please explain why you, not only need her to stay, but NEED her to stay? Why?

OP here. Having the double whammy of both an employable major AND the Ivy name-brand will set her up well for the rest of her life, especially in finance or tech.

How is she set up for life if she’ll be miserable because you chose her career? And English is a fine major. Employers need people who can write. She is her own person and she gets to make her own life choices. Either be supportive or get out of the way.

[Anonymous]

NP here and a HS teacher. While I also think OP is a troll, what is sad is that there actually are a lot of parents this controlling. They decided what career their kid(s) would have at a young age and then micromanaged their activities and classes all through MS and HS with a specific college in mind. Heaven forbid that kid wasn't perfect in every class and perfect at the sport/club/instrument chosen for them. As a teacher, I get to have the conversations with students where they share their stress with me over not being perfect like all of their cousins with 4.0s at Ivy league schools and everyone is a doctor or lawyer. At some point they are either going to rebel and cut-off parents or end up unhappy in a career they hate. I know people who fit both of these categories. Two teachers in my HS school had parents like this. Both followed the chosen major, but then hated the career. They each switched to teaching in their late 20s and are much happier. Their parents weren't at the time, but I think after 5-10 years have finally realized their kids are adults making their own decisions.

OP - save your money and let your daughter follow her own path now. It'll happen anyway. Better to recognize that now and work on developing a relationship with her as an independent adult, rather than a child you control.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to see a therapist for your own issues and stop projecting on to your daughter. What exactly are you so afraid of? Also, what is your situation? Are you an Ivy League grad and if so, what you YOU done with YOUR life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The title of your thread makes you sound like a troll. In tears?

It sounds like a troll because it is a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you probably are a troll but I promise you if she is hard work working and ambitious, she can certainly have a lucrative and happy career with any degree from Ivy. My 40 year old boss makes $600k with a 40 hour work week as CEO with International Relations degree from Columbia. Our company is not International. You cannot force her to go to med school. And also, she’s 18, there are a lot of twists ahead. Be grateful she got into Ivy, is engaged in academics, doesn’t have mental health or substance abuse issues. And then back off.

+1 I am on team troll though because who talks to their college aged Dd at an Ivy on a Saturday night?! This board had gotten a little stale so appreciate the intrigue but am really sick of the humanities discussion, almost as much as the UVA haters vs UVA fans.

[Anonymous]

If you’re real, you’re deluded and awful. No degree is a guarantee, and you only get one life. Did you realize that the most prestigious degrees in some of your categories don’t come from Ivy League schools? And finance is an awful awful thing to go into if you don’t actually for some odd reason love it. Not everyone in tech is a millionaire, and med school is really freaking expensive and the way care is managed, doctors are more likely today to be comfortable and up to their eyeballs in med school debt.

The only thing that mattered on my degree (in history) was the four letters on it. And if you’re really cynical, she’s more likely to meet someone there that can give her her MRS in high quality spouse.

[Anonymous]

If you’re not a troll, did you ask your kid what they plan to do with a degree in English? Maybe you can brainstorm together. Otherwise, your kid has called your bluff, and both of you must live with the consequences.

FWIW, my DH and I have BA degrees from an Ivy. We are doing fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very bad trolling.

I remember same story from the student point of view.

Yes, I remember that one as well. The school was Columbia. This troll appears to be writing about Princeton.

[Anonymous]

My mom made threats to cut my tuition off if I quit being pre med. I wasn't happy in the classes and volunteering at the hospital made me miserable. I did finish the minimum requirements.

I finally had a long talk with my Dad (who is himself a doctor) and he promised I wouldn't be cut off. I don't know what went down between them. I went to law school (which I paid for through loans, I also paid for as much of my college as I could) despite my mom's freakout and am much happier and successful. My Dad understood medicine wasn't for me.

And also, I barely spoke to my mom for almost 10 years. I realized a lot of our interactions in high school and similar weren't healthy either. She hated when I quit band to do theater, for instance.

[Anonymous]

Question for OP...

Can you articulate more about your NEED for your daughter to be at an Ivy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you’re not a troll, did you ask your kid what they plan to do with a degree in English? Maybe you can brainstorm together. Otherwise, your kid has called your bluff, and both of you must live with the consequences.

FWIW, my DH and I have BA degrees from an Ivy. We are doing fine.

OP here. She told me she wants to “go into publishing” and “get an MFA in creative writing” down the line. While we are full-pay, we CANNOT afford to bankroll her after graduation. I keep telling her that publishing and MFA programs are for rich kids, but she won’t listen!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is a freshman at an Ivy. We told her that we would only pay for three majors:

1. Econ/Stats/Applied Math with intentions of going into business (finance and consulting firms love her school)
2. CS with intentions of going into tech
3. Any major as long as she completes the 11 required courses to get into med school

My daughter told me last night over the phone that she plans on majoring in English (??!!!!) with no plans to complete the required pre-med classes. We told her that we wouldn’t pay for her college tuition going forward because English is NOT an employable major. She then told me that she’s okay with going to a cheap community college because apparently to her, “doing what she loves is more important than going to an Ivy.”

Help! What do we do? We NEED her to stay at an Ivy, and we are full-pay; it’s a sacrifice, but it’s worth it. But we also NEED her to major in something employable. We are in despair. Please help.

PS: I know someone is going to suggest law school. DH is a lawyer and has told DD that he’d rather see her unemployed before becoming a lawyer (besides, I think my daughter’s temperament would be ill-suited to law).

You know what? You made an ultimatum and you lost. Either you pay for her English degree and she stays at the Ivy ( which is important to you) or you pay for her community college ( again English degree) Or you don't pay for anything and lose your relationship with your dd.

I feel for your dd

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is a freshman at an Ivy. We told her that we would only pay for three majors:

1. Econ/Stats/Applied Math with intentions of going into business (finance and consulting firms love her school)
2. CS with intentions of going into tech
3. Any major as long as she completes the 11 required courses to get into med school

My daughter told me last night over the phone that she plans on majoring in English (??!!!!) with no plans to complete the required pre-med classes. We told her that we wouldn’t pay for her college tuition going forward because English is NOT an employable major. She then told me that she’s okay with going to a cheap community college because apparently to her, “doing what she loves is more important than going to an Ivy.”

Help! What do we do? We NEED her to stay at an Ivy, and we are full-pay; it’s a sacrifice, but it’s worth it. But we also NEED her to major in something employable. We are in despair. Please help.

PS: I know someone is going to suggest law school. DH is a lawyer and has told DD that he’d rather see her unemployed before becoming a lawyer (besides, I think my daughter’s temperament would be ill-suited to law).

OP: The inability to double or triple major may be one of the very few reasons to look past Princeton University when deciding among schools to which one has been accepted.

The good news is that your daughter should be able to transfer to an elite university which does allow students to engage in multiple majors. Ask your daughter if she would double major at another elite university. Yale, Harvard, Stanford, Chicago, Columbia, Duke, Penn, Northwestern, Dartmouth, Brown = ten options to consider.

While I do agree with others that any degree from Princeton is valuable, one still needs to pay tuition, fees, room & board.

Engaging in a serious discussion regarding transferring to another university may cause one side to move toward the others desire.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What will set her up for life is agency, not a certain degree or amount of money. Go read The Price of Privilege: How Parental Pressure and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids by Madeline Levine.

OP here. That’s bullshit. Am employable major with a fantastic alumni network (yes, PP was correct she’s at Princeton, which has a phenomenal alumni network) is WAY more likely to set her up for success than “agency.”

I also speak from personal experience. DH went to WM and graduated as a History major with a lot of on-campus involvement. Because of his major, he wasn’t able to find a job after graduation. He bartender for a while and eventually went to law school — the only real option for humanities majors.

So I’m speaking from personal experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom made threats to cut my tuition off if I quit being pre med. I wasn't happy in the classes and volunteering at the hospital made me miserable. I did finish the minimum requirements.

I finally had a long talk with my Dad (who is himself a doctor) and he promised I wouldn't be cut off. I don't know what went down between them. I went to law school (which I paid for through loans, I also paid for as much of my college as I could) despite my mom's freakout and am much happier and successful. My Dad understood medicine wasn't for me.

And also, I barely spoke to my mom for almost 10 years. I realized a lot of our interactions in high school and similar weren't healthy either. She hated when I quit band to do theater, for instance.

Sounds like you’re the type of whiny brat to blame your parents for every misgiving. GUESS WHAY — if they’re paying for your tuition, they can dictate your major.