When do you allow your teen/tween to date?

[Anonymous]

I have two boys. I didn't have any rules specific to dating. My oldest never actively dated that I know of, and I think the most he did was go on group-type dates which were never called dates, just "hey mom we are hanging out". He did go to prom with one girl, but once there they met up with a group of friends.

My youngest started referring to "girlfriends" in middle school. But I didn't really pay it any mind, it just meant he liked someone and they liked him back. They saw each other at school and saw each other at after-school activities but that was about it. He's 17 and currently has a "girlfriend" according to him. They do spend time together; sometimes she comes over here and often after school he goes to her house. We're in DC and she lives on the other side of the city so he has to take a bus and a train to get to her. Sometimes if it's in the evening, I let him uber home, but that gets expensive so usually he's taking public transportation. She drives but they will also take the train if they want to go to the movie or somewhere else that's inconvenient to drive and park. Since high school, there have been a couple of "girlfriends" before this one. They always just take the metro around the city to wherever they want to go. Nothing has been long term and I haven't met any of the other parents.

[Anonymous]

^^Amy Pohler

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say high school (so 14) is probably old enough for most kids, with limits. 16 for dates where they are driving or being picked up.

I was in some uncomfortable situations when "dating" at 13. I would not allow it in middle school.

So my son dated a girl who was not allowed to date in middle school. She had his name in her phone as a female friend and deleted texts he sent her as well. They met up at school and after school in groups. I did not know this girl's parents.

You're really much better off having an open dialogue with your kids so that you can talk to them about potential uncomfortable situations and how to handle things.

This is a different poster, but so what? My daughter and I are not the Gilmore Girls. I don’t need to know all of the ins and outs of her teenage social life. My job is to set the rules. Hers is to mostly follow them, but to push against them and break them sometimes.

You should have told you son not to see this girl behind her parent’s back, them called the girl’s parents to tell them what’s going on. You’re the grownup here. You could have handled this better.

You parent how you want to parent.

It is not my job to tell a parent I've never met that their kid is sneaking around. That would have completely violated my own child's trust, something that I would do only if I find out serious or life-altering information about someone's health and well-being. Sorry someone's daughter sneaking around and "dating" in middle school is not that. Figure it out for yourself.

100% agree. My kids talk a lot to me. A lot of my kid’s friends talk to me too. They are open and trust me. I am not going to break the trust of my own kids by ratting out a trivial thing as middle school dating. I am always the mom that drives 4-6 middle schoolers at a time and they talk non stop like I am an Uber. I got so much tea. I laugh as I think about how awkward this age is. But unless there is a safety issue, I will not be contacting parents. And I am darn sure to stay out of the manipulative mom engineers who all gossip to each other and decide their kid’s friendships. So no mommy friends here. I have my own.

Oh. So you’re Amy Piglet’s character in “Mean Girls?”

Not the PP but you believe that being open with your kids and not managing their friendships and their moms is this character? Sounds like you are realizing how little your kids confide in you and your only response is snide retorts. That is really sad. Some inner reflecting could benefit you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say high school (so 14) is probably old enough for most kids, with limits. 16 for dates where they are driving or being picked up.

I was in some uncomfortable situations when "dating" at 13. I would not allow it in middle school.

So my son dated a girl who was not allowed to date in middle school. She had his name in her phone as a female friend and deleted texts he sent her as well. They met up at school and after school in groups. I did not know this girl's parents.

You're really much better off having an open dialogue with your kids so that you can talk to them about potential uncomfortable situations and how to handle things.

This is a different poster, but so what? My daughter and I are not the Gilmore Girls. I don’t need to know all of the ins and outs of her teenage social life. My job is to set the rules. Hers is to mostly follow them, but to push against them and break them sometimes.

You should have told you son not to see this girl behind her parent’s back, them called the girl’s parents to tell them what’s going on. You’re the grownup here. You could have handled this better.

Um no way. It is not the parents job to inform anyone anything. I can not believe you are serious. I know all of my daughter’s friends well and who can’t be around boys, can’t date, have rules etc… They ALL break them. Sometimes even around me. It’s not my job to snitch on someone. “Um hi this is _ mom and I heard from my daughter that yours can’t be around boys but there was 2 in my car today coming home from the mall.”

Give me a break

Yes. It is.
“Hey. Your mom told me that you aren’t supposed to be dating. What you do on you own isn’t my business, but if I see you kissing your boyfriend in the back of my car again, I’m going to have to tell her about it.”

That’s what an adult does.

This is a laughable scenario. 1) They are not going to kiss in the back of your car. 2) We don't know things because the other moms tell us. We know because our own children actually speak to us and tell us things. You should try for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say high school (so 14) is probably old enough for most kids, with limits. 16 for dates where they are driving or being picked up.

I was in some uncomfortable situations when "dating" at 13. I would not allow it in middle school.

So my son dated a girl who was not allowed to date in middle school. She had his name in her phone as a female friend and deleted texts he sent her as well. They met up at school and after school in groups. I did not know this girl's parents.

You're really much better off having an open dialogue with your kids so that you can talk to them about potential uncomfortable situations and how to handle things.

This is a different poster, but so what? My daughter and I are not the Gilmore Girls. I don’t need to know all of the ins and outs of her teenage social life. My job is to set the rules. Hers is to mostly follow them, but to push against them and break them sometimes.

You should have told you son not to see this girl behind her parent’s back, them called the girl’s parents to tell them what’s going on. You’re the grownup here. You could have handled this better.

You parent how you want to parent.

It is not my job to tell a parent I've never met that their kid is sneaking around. That would have completely violated my own child's trust, something that I would do only if I find out serious or life-altering information about someone's health and well-being. Sorry someone's daughter sneaking around and "dating" in middle school is not that. Figure it out for yourself.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have two boys. I didn't have any rules specific to dating. My oldest never actively dated that I know of, and I think the most he did was go on group-type dates which were never called dates, just "hey mom we are hanging out". He did go to prom with one girl, but once there they met up with a group of friends.

My youngest started referring to "girlfriends" in middle school. But I didn't really pay it any mind, it just meant he liked someone and they liked him back. They saw each other at school and saw each other at after-school activities but that was about it. He's 17 and currently has a "girlfriend" according to him. They do spend time together; sometimes she comes over here and often after school he goes to her house. We're in DC and she lives on the other side of the city so he has to take a bus and a train to get to her. Sometimes if it's in the evening, I let him uber home, but that gets expensive so usually he's taking public transportation. She drives but they will also take the train if they want to go to the movie or somewhere else that's inconvenient to drive and park. Since high school, there have been a couple of "girlfriends" before this one. They always just take the metro around the city to wherever they want to go. Nothing has been long term and I haven't met any of the other parents.

Why are you putting "girlfriend" in quotes for a 17 year old? Sounds like your son has a girlfriend!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^Amy Pohler

I'm the poster right above you and I don't get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have two boys. I didn't have any rules specific to dating. My oldest never actively dated that I know of, and I think the most he did was go on group-type dates which were never called dates, just "hey mom we are hanging out". He did go to prom with one girl, but once there they met up with a group of friends.

My youngest started referring to "girlfriends" in middle school. But I didn't really pay it any mind, it just meant he liked someone and they liked him back. They saw each other at school and saw each other at after-school activities but that was about it. He's 17 and currently has a "girlfriend" according to him. They do spend time together; sometimes she comes over here and often after school he goes to her house. We're in DC and she lives on the other side of the city so he has to take a bus and a train to get to her. Sometimes if it's in the evening, I let him uber home, but that gets expensive so usually he's taking public transportation. She drives but they will also take the train if they want to go to the movie or somewhere else that's inconvenient to drive and park. Since high school, there have been a couple of "girlfriends" before this one. They always just take the metro around the city to wherever they want to go. Nothing has been long term and I haven't met any of the other parents.

Why are you putting "girlfriend" in quotes for a 17 year old? Sounds like your son has a girlfriend!

You're right, this time it might actually be a girlfriend but so far it's been a couple of weeks and then they are done. I consider that dating but he'll start calling someone his girlfriend immediately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say high school (so 14) is probably old enough for most kids, with limits. 16 for dates where they are driving or being picked up.

I was in some uncomfortable situations when "dating" at 13. I would not allow it in middle school.

So my son dated a girl who was not allowed to date in middle school. She had his name in her phone as a female friend and deleted texts he sent her as well. They met up at school and after school in groups. I did not know this girl's parents.

You're really much better off having an open dialogue with your kids so that you can talk to them about potential uncomfortable situations and how to handle things.

This is a different poster, but so what? My daughter and I are not the Gilmore Girls. I don’t need to know all of the ins and outs of her teenage social life. My job is to set the rules. Hers is to mostly follow them, but to push against them and break them sometimes.

You should have told you son not to see this girl behind her parent’s back, them called the girl’s parents to tell them what’s going on. You’re the grownup here. You could have handled this better.

Um no way. It is not the parents job to inform anyone anything. I can not believe you are serious. I know all of my daughter’s friends well and who can’t be around boys, can’t date, have rules etc… They ALL break them. Sometimes even around me. It’s not my job to snitch on someone. “Um hi this is _ mom and I heard from my daughter that yours can’t be around boys but there was 2 in my car today coming home from the mall.”

Give me a break

Yes. It is.
“Hey. Your mom told me that you aren’t supposed to be dating. What you do on you own isn’t my business, but if I see you kissing your boyfriend in the back of my car again, I’m going to have to tell her about it.”

That’s what an adult does.

This is so cringy. Please tell me this is a troll. No way does a parent do this. And no one is kidding in cars. LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say high school (so 14) is probably old enough for most kids, with limits. 16 for dates where they are driving or being picked up.

I was in some uncomfortable situations when "dating" at 13. I would not allow it in middle school.

So my son dated a girl who was not allowed to date in middle school. She had his name in her phone as a female friend and deleted texts he sent her as well. They met up at school and after school in groups. I did not know this girl's parents.

You're really much better off having an open dialogue with your kids so that you can talk to them about potential uncomfortable situations and how to handle things.

This is a different poster, but so what? My daughter and I are not the Gilmore Girls. I don’t need to know all of the ins and outs of her teenage social life. My job is to set the rules. Hers is to mostly follow them, but to push against them and break them sometimes.

You should have told you son not to see this girl behind her parent’s back, them called the girl’s parents to tell them what’s going on. You’re the grownup here. You could have handled this better.

Um no way. It is not the parents job to inform anyone anything. I can not believe you are serious. I know all of my daughter’s friends well and who can’t be around boys, can’t date, have rules etc… They ALL break them. Sometimes even around me. It’s not my job to snitch on someone. “Um hi this is _ mom and I heard from my daughter that yours can’t be around boys but there was 2 in my car today coming home from the mall.”

Give me a break

Yes. It is.
“Hey. Your mom told me that you aren’t supposed to be dating. What you do on you own isn’t my business, but if I see you kissing your boyfriend in the back of my car again, I’m going to have to tell her about it.”

That’s what an adult does.

Ummm who said anything about dating and kissing? LOL. Just having the opposite sex in a carpool is a no no for one girl. The only reason I know is because my daughter confided in me. Otherwise I would be clueless. So no, my job is to not judge, gossip, or rat out other kids on something my daughter confided in me about . If you want that much control of your kid, contact me personally and say no boys in any carpool in your car with my daughter. Then I would tell that parent to take their daughter themselves. THAT is what adults do

I agree with you. It’s odd to have a rule about who you can carpool with and not confirm with parents that there aren’t boys in the car. I mean, what are you, pp, supposed to do?

That’s not really the same as letting your son date a tween girl that you know isn’t allowed to date. I don’t think it’s okay to be complicit in this. You should respect other parent’s rules, even if you don’t agree with them, and you should teach your kids to as well.
My boys are big D&D players. They have a friend who is very religious, and he isn’t allowed to play. So they aren’t allowed to play when he is over at the house. I don’t agree with the rule, but I can respect it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No dating until they are away at college.

Same here. My kids were encouraged to go in large groups of boys and girls for things like Homecoming, proms and other school and non-school events, sports meets/tournaments, scholastic competetions etc so that they were not sheltered. However, we are a close knit family and we were very involved with our kids so we were also having many free and frank discussions about sex, relationships, academics, education, jobs, internships, family etc.

Eventually, they dated extensively during college but their first serious relationship happened after undergrad. They had dated their SOs in undergrad but it all got cemented in grad school. Somehow, college experiences made them realize that what we had been telling them about how to conduct themselves had merit. They saw a lot of kids crash and burn in college. Most who were dating had not very pleasant end to their relationships and most of these people were scarred with it. Too much emotional baggage for people who were so young. Kids who came from loving and intact families were a lot more careful with their hearts and were not attracted to hot messes.

[Anonymous]

There is no dating in college. Just sex and a ton of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^Amy Pohler

I'm the poster right above you and I don't get it.

Sorry. That was meant for a poster above you who likes to be treated like an Uber and get “tea” from middle schoolers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say high school (so 14) is probably old enough for most kids, with limits. 16 for dates where they are driving or being picked up.

I was in some uncomfortable situations when "dating" at 13. I would not allow it in middle school.

So my son dated a girl who was not allowed to date in middle school. She had his name in her phone as a female friend and deleted texts he sent her as well. They met up at school and after school in groups. I did not know this girl's parents.

You're really much better off having an open dialogue with your kids so that you can talk to them about potential uncomfortable situations and how to handle things.

This is a different poster, but so what? My daughter and I are not the Gilmore Girls. I don’t need to know all of the ins and outs of her teenage social life. My job is to set the rules. Hers is to mostly follow them, but to push against them and break them sometimes.

You should have told you son not to see this girl behind her parent’s back, them called the girl’s parents to tell them what’s going on. You’re the grownup here. You could have handled this better.

Um no way. It is not the parents job to inform anyone anything. I can not believe you are serious. I know all of my daughter’s friends well and who can’t be around boys, can’t date, have rules etc… They ALL break them. Sometimes even around me. It’s not my job to snitch on someone. “Um hi this is _ mom and I heard from my daughter that yours can’t be around boys but there was 2 in my car today coming home from the mall.”

Give me a break

Yes. It is.
“Hey. Your mom told me that you aren’t supposed to be dating. What you do on you own isn’t my business, but if I see you kissing your boyfriend in the back of my car again, I’m going to have to tell her about it.”

That’s what an adult does.

This is so cringy. Please tell me this is a troll. No way does a parent do this. And no one is kidding in cars. LOL

Sooo cringey. This sounds like the mom on The Goldbergs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say high school (so 14) is probably old enough for most kids, with limits. 16 for dates where they are driving or being picked up.

I was in some uncomfortable situations when "dating" at 13. I would not allow it in middle school.

So my son dated a girl who was not allowed to date in middle school. She had his name in her phone as a female friend and deleted texts he sent her as well. They met up at school and after school in groups. I did not know this girl's parents.

You're really much better off having an open dialogue with your kids so that you can talk to them about potential uncomfortable situations and how to handle things.

This is a different poster, but so what? My daughter and I are not the Gilmore Girls. I don’t need to know all of the ins and outs of her teenage social life. My job is to set the rules. Hers is to mostly follow them, but to push against them and break them sometimes.

You should have told you son not to see this girl behind her parent’s back, them called the girl’s parents to tell them what’s going on. You’re the grownup here. You could have handled this better.

Um no way. It is not the parents job to inform anyone anything. I can not believe you are serious. I know all of my daughter’s friends well and who can’t be around boys, can’t date, have rules etc… They ALL break them. Sometimes even around me. It’s not my job to snitch on someone. “Um hi this is _ mom and I heard from my daughter that yours can’t be around boys but there was 2 in my car today coming home from the mall.”

Give me a break

Yes. It is.
“Hey. Your mom told me that you aren’t supposed to be dating. What you do on you own isn’t my business, but if I see you kissing your boyfriend in the back of my car again, I’m going to have to tell her about it.”

That’s what an adult does.

Ummm who said anything about dating and kissing? LOL. Just having the opposite sex in a carpool is a no no for one girl. The only reason I know is because my daughter confided in me. Otherwise I would be clueless. So no, my job is to not judge, gossip, or rat out other kids on something my daughter confided in me about . If you want that much control of your kid, contact me personally and say no boys in any carpool in your car with my daughter. Then I would tell that parent to take their daughter themselves. THAT is what adults do

I agree with you. It’s odd to have a rule about who you can carpool with and not confirm with parents that there aren’t boys in the car. I mean, what are you, pp, supposed to do?

That’s not really the same as letting your son date a tween girl that you know isn’t allowed to date. I don’t think it’s okay to be complicit in this. You should respect other parent’s rules, even if you don’t agree with them, and you should teach your kids to as well.
My boys are big D&D players. They have a friend who is very religious, and he isn’t allowed to play. So they aren’t allowed to play when he is over at the house. I don’t agree with the rule, but I can respect it.

I see this but also don't think I am "complicit". I think I'm talking to and advising my own kid, who is my priority. The girl never came to my house as in your D&D example, which I agree with what you are saying in that situation. In my situation, I don't know the parents at all. I only know the information because my son shared with me. And then we had a conversation about potential consequences and why the parents might feel this way. My decision was not to tell him what to do in that scenario. If I did, he'd likely ignore me and just stop talking to me about any of it.

I don't regret the decision at all. We had a lot of good and important conversations over the course of "dating" this girl.