When did you know that you and your child would not have a good relationship when they became adult?

[Anonymous]

My mom would’ve written the same thing about me when I was a teenager. She still complains about how terrible it was having to parent me through the 10 years. I was an honor roll student and a bunch of extracurriculars, active in the religion she raised me in. On the surface I was incredibly easy to parent. The problem is that in the 10 years I suddenly didn’t want to parent her anymore. I didn’t think her emotions deserved to be the most important ones. And I actually called her out on toxic things such as constantly complaining to me about her marital issues, or criticizing my body and my food choices are policing every interaction I ever had with a boy. And to be clear, I literally did not date at all until college, so her micromanaging me interacting with boys and simultaneously telling me that I wasn’t allowed to date and worrying that I would never find someone who wanted to date me because I was too fat was 100% about her and her issues. I was not hanging out with inappropriate people.

As adults, I talk to her a few times a month and see her about once a year. She knows very little about my life, good or bad, and I still don’t really like or respect her as a person. I accept that she loved me the best that she could and that she has a lot of flaws and her own mental health issues. But the fact that she still blames me for every difficulty in my childhood is pretty telling.

OP, I strongly encourage you to get into therapy and work through all of the parts of your relationship with your kids that are your own stuff. Your own trauma, your own mental illness, your own boundary issues, whatever is going on with you. Because the reality is that over time you are just going to drive away everyone else the same way you have done with your kids.

[Anonymous]

Is anyone else wishing that either OP was a troll or would come back and say she’s seen the light and will do better with parenting her 15 year old? If it’s a real post, feeling sad for this teenager.

[Anonymous]

My daughter is also 15 and I felt this way for awhile. It was coping, like deciding I would not have her closely in life somehow helped me survive the now. I was counting down - just 3 more years type talk.

Someone here said work on how things are now. And I had a lot of boundary issues, both stop this boundaries and treating others/me expectation boundaries.

It is very hard to see beyond now when in the thick of it, but try to catch the little glimpses of how they've changed or are changing. A good therapist for them and you if needed helps too.

It might be easier to think you won't like them, you won't engage, but this is self protective in some way, and the truth is you won't likely know until you actually meet their more mature selves. Keep working on teaching truth into their entitlement. If you don't have empathy for them caught in their teenage brain that's OK, but keep at it and things will slowly shift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is also 15 and I felt this way for awhile. It was coping, like deciding I would not have her closely in life somehow helped me survive the now. I was counting down - just 3 more years type talk.

Someone here said work on how things are now. And I had a lot of boundary issues, both stop this boundaries and treating others/me expectation boundaries.

It is very hard to see beyond now when in the thick of it, but try to catch the little glimpses of how they've changed or are changing. A good therapist for them and you if needed helps too.

It might be easier to think you won't like them, you won't engage, but this is self protective in some way, and the truth is you won't likely know until you actually meet their more mature selves. Keep working on teaching truth into their entitlement. If you don't have empathy for them caught in their teenage brain that's OK, but keep at it and things will slowly shift.

Aren't you the adult in this relationship? Why you are just throwing up boundaries *now*? Why is the default that the child needs a therapist and not the adult who failed to effecitvely parent from the jump?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is also 15 and I felt this way for awhile. It was coping, like deciding I would not have her closely in life somehow helped me survive the now. I was counting down - just 3 more years type talk.

Someone here said work on how things are now. And I had a lot of boundary issues, both stop this boundaries and treating others/me expectation boundaries.

It is very hard to see beyond now when in the thick of it, but try to catch the little glimpses of how they've changed or are changing. A good therapist for them and you if needed helps too.

It might be easier to think you won't like them, you won't engage, but this is self protective in some way, and the truth is you won't likely know until you actually meet their more mature selves. Keep working on teaching truth into their entitlement. If you don't have empathy for them caught in their teenage brain that's OK, but keep at it and things will slowly shift.

Aren't you the adult in this relationship? Why you are just throwing up boundaries *now*? Why is the default that the child needs a therapist and not the adult who failed to effecitvely parent from the jump?

Wow you are a real piece of work aren't you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is also 15 and I felt this way for awhile. It was coping, like deciding I would not have her closely in life somehow helped me survive the now. I was counting down - just 3 more years type talk.

Someone here said work on how things are now. And I had a lot of boundary issues, both stop this boundaries and treating others/me expectation boundaries.

It is very hard to see beyond now when in the thick of it, but try to catch the little glimpses of how they've changed or are changing. A good therapist for them and you if needed helps too.

It might be easier to think you won't like them, you won't engage, but this is self protective in some way, and the truth is you won't likely know until you actually meet their more mature selves. Keep working on teaching truth into their entitlement. If you don't have empathy for them caught in their teenage brain that's OK, but keep at it and things will slowly shift.

Aren't you the adult in this relationship? Why you are just throwing up boundaries *now*? Why is the default that the child needs a therapist and not the adult who failed to effecitvely parent from the jump?

Wow you are a real piece of work aren't you

I’m not the one writing off my 15 year old daughter and blaming her for the breakdown of the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is also 15 and I felt this way for awhile. It was coping, like deciding I would not have her closely in life somehow helped me survive the now. I was counting down - just 3 more years type talk.

Someone here said work on how things are now. And I had a lot of boundary issues, both stop this boundaries and treating others/me expectation boundaries.

It is very hard to see beyond now when in the thick of it, but try to catch the little glimpses of how they've changed or are changing. A good therapist for them and you if needed helps too.

It might be easier to think you won't like them, you won't engage, but this is self protective in some way, and the truth is you won't likely know until you actually meet their more mature selves. Keep working on teaching truth into their entitlement. If you don't have empathy for them caught in their teenage brain that's OK, but keep at it and things will slowly shift.

Aren't you the adult in this relationship? Why you are just throwing up boundaries *now*? Why is the default that the child needs a therapist and not the adult who failed to effecitvely parent from the jump?

Wow you are a real piece of work aren't you

I’m not the one writing off my 15 year old daughter and blaming her for the breakdown of the relationship.

Seriously! 15 is too young for that level of responsibility. Parents are the adults. All blame lies at your feet. Don't make the mistake my parents made when I was a young teen: they blamed me for every problem in the house and threw up their hands. This gave me, a 14 year old, the wrong impression of the amount of power I held. I felt that I was an adult and began making adult decisions (they were terrible choices which still affect me 30 years later). They lost all authority over me and couldn't reach me when I needed them the most.

[Anonymous]

OP, my mother had similar feelings toward me when I was in high school. And no, it did not get better, the relationship completely disintegrated in my 40s and we no longer have contact.
Having a parent reject and withdraw from you in adolescence is not just painful....it is overwhelmingly frightening.

Parents are similar to a government of a tiny country with its own culture, laws and norms. When a parent withdraws and rejects you, it is like being a hated minority in a country whose leader just wants you to immigrate, die or send you to prison instead of create new policies and changes to the culture that will help you thrive.

Imagine you are watching a press briefing with this tiny island's dictator who says:

We had an influx of immigrants from XYZ group 15 years ago and it is clear at this point they bring no benefit to our country. Granted they haven't been in this country long, but I don't think they will ever fully assimilate to our culture or grow out of ALL their insecurities. XYZ group are a jealous people--that is just who they are. I do hope they will grow out of this, but I’ve always been perceptive of immigrant groups. They know I love their people and support them, but I am tired of all their protests. Sounds terrible but i just want them to get off our island, I’m afraid they will be a drain on our economy and culture forever--never moving up the economic ladder. They are that insecure and draining. I accept these people the way they are but I am slowly withdrawing support, especially as I watch their emotional, reactive, insecure protests in our streets--from the window of my office in my mansion. I’m just trying not to hate this group. Help me..

Try to imagine your daughter's inner world--and how it drives her observable behaviors. Then, observe the cultural norms within your family that might be difficult for your daughter as a citizen in your family. You could ask your daughter to write about what she finds so problematic about your leadership as her parent and your family's norms---and what changes she would demand to feel comfortable as a "citizen" of your family.

Good luck!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother would have said the same as you OP when I was 15. We had never gotten along and were really different people and our dislike for each other peaked in the 14-23 age range. It was tenuous well into my twenties and we will never be best buddy, call each other every day type people BUT we do have a great relationship that now works for both of us. I am sure she wishes we were closer but we talk often, see each other regularly and do things together. I don't know that I would say we relate as mother-daughter but definitely as family.

What changed everything was that when I was 23-24 my mother called me one day. She said she had loved me but had never liked me but realized that was because she had never gotten to really know me as a person. That our conflicts in childhood had shaped her view of me and that she had really struggled to ever see me as anything other than this difficult, obnoxious, problem child. But that in the last few years, everyone else talked about me completely differently to how she saw me and she also looked at what I was doing with my life and realized she didn't know this person at all. She apologized and asked if she could get to know me.

I think I might cry. This is me and my mom, except now she has dementia, and I don't think we will ever get to know each other because she has never reached out to me like this. In parent's culture, the parent is always right and would never apologize to their child, and they are very closed off. I attempted to reach out to her once, but she brushed it aside.

My mother doesn't know me, and I will never really know her. And that is incredibly sad.

I have a 14 yr old DD, and even though we argue (just had a text argument with her just now), she knows I love her to bits, and vice versa. I lay down with her pretty much every night; we chat, and we say, "I love you" to each other. I don't know if we will remain close when she is an adult, but I cherish what we have now. I never had this with my mother.

could have written this about myself and my (lack) of relationship with my mom. PP thank you for sharing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is also 15 and I felt this way for awhile. It was coping, like deciding I would not have her closely in life somehow helped me survive the now. I was counting down - just 3 more years type talk.

Someone here said work on how things are now. And I had a lot of boundary issues, both stop this boundaries and treating others/me expectation boundaries.

It is very hard to see beyond now when in the thick of it, but try to catch the little glimpses of how they've changed or are changing. A good therapist for them and you if needed helps too.

It might be easier to think you won't like them, you won't engage, but this is self protective in some way, and the truth is you won't likely know until you actually meet their more mature selves. Keep working on teaching truth into their entitlement. If you don't have empathy for them caught in their teenage brain that's OK, but keep at it and things will slowly shift.

Aren't you the adult in this relationship? Why you are just throwing up boundaries *now*? Why is the default that the child needs a therapist and not the adult who failed to effecitvely parent from the jump?

Wow you are a real piece of work aren't you

I’m not the one writing off my 15 year old daughter and blaming her for the breakdown of the relationship.

NP. This poster isn’t OP and she’s telling OP NOT to write off her kid. You projected a lot of things into her post that simply aren’t there.

And that’s the problem with a few posters here—they project their situations onto everybody else and assume that everything is 100% the parents’ fault like it was in their family. Yes, we feel for your abusive childhood.

But no, not every family looks like yours. Sometimes raging hormones take over kids, or the kids fall in with a bad group, and then the problem does come from the kid.

[Anonymous]

I think it's a good idea to set boundaries and also do some fun stuff together. That's really all you can do other than love them. You don't have to live with abuse. Just keep saying I don't like that. That isn't nice. That doesn't respect me. That doesn't respect you. And try to do short things that have less conflict.

[Anonymous]

I went through a rebellious phase in HS around that age and couldn’t stand my mom. I was lucky, though, because even though I felt like she didn’t understand me at all I did know she loved me.

Now we talk almost every day and we get along wonderfully. Looking back, I really admire her for, even in the difficult times, showing me she loved me no matter what. As an adult, I look back at that time and appreciate her even more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is also 15 and I felt this way for awhile. It was coping, like deciding I would not have her closely in life somehow helped me survive the now. I was counting down - just 3 more years type talk.

Someone here said work on how things are now. And I had a lot of boundary issues, both stop this boundaries and treating others/me expectation boundaries.

It is very hard to see beyond now when in the thick of it, but try to catch the little glimpses of how they've changed or are changing. A good therapist for them and you if needed helps too.

It might be easier to think you won't like them, you won't engage, but this is self protective in some way, and the truth is you won't likely know until you actually meet their more mature selves. Keep working on teaching truth into their entitlement. If you don't have empathy for them caught in their teenage brain that's OK, but keep at it and things will slowly shift.

Aren't you the adult in this relationship? Why you are just throwing up boundaries *now*? Why is the default that the child needs a therapist and not the adult who failed to effecitvely parent from the jump?

Wow you are a real piece of work aren't you

I’m not the one writing off my 15 year old daughter and blaming her for the breakdown of the relationship.

NP. This poster isn’t OP and she’s telling OP NOT to write off her kid. You projected a lot of things into her post that simply aren’t there.

And that’s the problem with a few posters here—they project their situations onto everybody else and assume that everything is 100% the parents’ fault like it was in their family. Yes, we feel for your abusive childhood.

But no, not every family looks like yours. Sometimes raging hormones take over kids, or the kids fall in with a bad group, and then the problem does come from the kid.

DP.

In this case, if OP does not get her act together, it will be 100% her fault. Her daughter will not stand a chance with OPs current mentality. I hope OP does some serious soul searching.

[Anonymous]

Lordy, OP. My kids are all adults. I expected you to say you were struggling with your 20/30 year old kid. Your child is 15. You have no idea what kind of adult she will be. Two of my kids were absolutely a$$holes from 14 until about 20. They grew into mature, responsible, kind young adults.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your child needs help and support…has she seen a psychiatrist? Maybe she has depression, anxiety or adhd.