When did you know that you and your child would not have a good relationship when they became adult?

[Anonymous]

I would have said I would not have a close adult relationship with my daughter when she was 15 because she was stubborn and often moody and loved to argue with me and we had little in common.

However, she has been an adult for awhile now and I was totally wrong. We are very close.

My son has never been difficult and as an adult he coasts through life as the happy optimist he has always been. We are fairly close but he does not need me to get through adult life.

My daughter, on the other hand, reaches out to me for advice and to share what's going on in her life and to vent about stuff and just to chat on a daily basis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure I'd want to have a relationship with a mom that is writing me off at the age of 15.

+1

+1 agree with a PP, I thought this was about an adult child.

My goodness... 15 and already writing her off.

My one sister and mom fought like cats and dogs when she was 15. Super rebellious. She is the closest to our mom now. My sisters and I are all in our 50s. It kind of surprised me when she got closer to my mom as an adult. I'm sure it was a surprise to my mom, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have said I would not have a close adult relationship with my daughter when she was 15 because she was stubborn and often moody and loved to argue with me and we had little in common.

However, she has been an adult for awhile now and I was totally wrong. We are very close.

My son has never been difficult and as an adult he coasts through life as the happy optimist he has always been. We are fairly close but he does not need me to get through adult life.

My daughter, on the other hand, reaches out to me for advice and to share what's going on in her life and to vent about stuff and just to chat on a daily basis.

I could see this exact thing with my DD and DS -- both teens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Were you perfect when you were 15, OP?

I was a really good kid. Thanks everyone else, I will hang in there..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother would have said the same as you OP when I was 15. We had never gotten along and were really different people and our dislike for each other peaked in the 14-23 age range. It was tenuous well into my twenties and we will never be best buddy, call each other every day type people BUT we do have a great relationship that now works for both of us. I am sure she wishes we were closer but we talk often, see each other regularly and do things together. I don't know that I would say we relate as mother-daughter but definitely as family.

What changed everything was that when I was 23-24 my mother called me one day. She said she had loved me but had never liked me but realized that was because she had never gotten to really know me as a person. That our conflicts in childhood had shaped her view of me and that she had really struggled to ever see me as anything other than this difficult, obnoxious, problem child. But that in the last few years, everyone else talked about me completely differently to how she saw me and she also looked at what I was doing with my life and realized she didn't know this person at all. She apologized and asked if she could get to know me.

I love this. Thanks for sharing.

[Anonymous]

When I was 15, I would have said the second I could move out I would never talk to my father again. He didn't understand me, he hated all the things I loved, he was really mean to me, I didn't want to be around someone always yelling, etc.

Well, last night we talked for almost an hour, and I mentioned how nice it had been the prior two weeks when we saw each other every couple days and now I missed him. Never would have seen that coming!

[Anonymous]

This is not the answer to your question, but…My mom and I had terrible teen years. Although I earned excellent grades and did not drink or do drugs, I kept dating boys/men several years older than me that my mom had forbidden me to see. I remember her telling me that she did not like me (to be fair, I’m sure i was pretty unlikable!). I lied all the time about where I was going and what I was doing. I was actually pretty promiscuous (not proud of that, but there you have it). In my sophomore year she kicked me out of the house because I wouldn’t follow her rules. I went to live with my father; my mother and I did not speak at all. I came back summer before my senior year and she kicked me out again during senior year but this time I went to live with my boyfriend. I ended up going to college, attending a top 5 law school, but most importantly for this thread, my mom and I started talking while I was in college and became very close. After I completed my education we spoke every day and saw each other frequently. In the end, I was her primary caregiver in my home, prior to her passing away. So…there’s hope! I turned out ok and so did our relationship. Don’t write your DD off yet.

[Anonymous]

I can also tell you won’t have a good relationship with your daughter when she is an adult.

Your description of the relationship puts blame entirely on her. I’m sure that started way before 15. News flash, OP: she is the child, you are the adult. The responsibility for fostering healthy relationship dynamics is on you. She can only do what you’ve taught her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother would have said the same as you OP when I was 15. We had never gotten along and were really different people and our dislike for each other peaked in the 14-23 age range. It was tenuous well into my twenties and we will never be best buddy, call each other every day type people BUT we do have a great relationship that now works for both of us. I am sure she wishes we were closer but we talk often, see each other regularly and do things together. I don't know that I would say we relate as mother-daughter but definitely as family.

What changed everything was that when I was 23-24 my mother called me one day. She said she had loved me but had never liked me but realized that was because she had never gotten to really know me as a person. That our conflicts in childhood had shaped her view of me and that she had really struggled to ever see me as anything other than this difficult, obnoxious, problem child. But that in the last few years, everyone else talked about me completely differently to how she saw me and she also looked at what I was doing with my life and realized she didn't know this person at all. She apologized and asked if she could get to know me.

I think I might cry. This is me and my mom, except now she has dementia, and I don't think we will ever get to know each other because she has never reached out to me like this. In parent's culture, the parent is always right and would never apologize to their child, and they are very closed off. I attempted to reach out to her once, but she brushed it aside.

My mother doesn't know me, and I will never really know her. And that is incredibly sad.

I have a 14 yr old DD, and even though we argue (just had a text argument with her just now), she knows I love her to bits, and vice versa. I lay down with her pretty much every night; we chat, and we say, "I love you" to each other. I don't know if we will remain close when she is an adult, but I cherish what we have now. I never had this with my mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother would have said the same as you OP when I was 15. We had never gotten along and were really different people and our dislike for each other peaked in the 14-23 age range. It was tenuous well into my twenties and we will never be best buddy, call each other every day type people BUT we do have a great relationship that now works for both of us. I am sure she wishes we were closer but we talk often, see each other regularly and do things together. I don't know that I would say we relate as mother-daughter but definitely as family.

What changed everything was that when I was 23-24 my mother called me one day. She said she had loved me but had never liked me but realized that was because she had never gotten to really know me as a person. That our conflicts in childhood had shaped her view of me and that she had really struggled to ever see me as anything other than this difficult, obnoxious, problem child. But that in the last few years, everyone else talked about me completely differently to how she saw me and she also looked at what I was doing with my life and realized she didn't know this person at all. She apologized and asked if she could get to know me.

I love this. Thanks for sharing.

I should add that I did make her life difficult (and in my teen years it was intentional) and I didn't let her get to know me. I barely spoke to her other than basic information for about a decade in my teens. I shared nothing with her. I didn't trust her, and also I think I was scared that if she got to know the real me and still didn't like me - that would be crushing. As much as I couldn't stand her, I wanted her approval.

And yet now we vacation together, she comes and helps out at my house, we text often and we like each other. Not something I ever thought would happen given our relationship for the first 25 years of my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother would have said the same as you OP when I was 15. We had never gotten along and were really different people and our dislike for each other peaked in the 14-23 age range. It was tenuous well into my twenties and we will never be best buddy, call each other every day type people BUT we do have a great relationship that now works for both of us. I am sure she wishes we were closer but we talk often, see each other regularly and do things together. I don't know that I would say we relate as mother-daughter but definitely as family.

What changed everything was that when I was 23-24 my mother called me one day. She said she had loved me but had never liked me but realized that was because she had never gotten to really know me as a person. That our conflicts in childhood had shaped her view of me and that she had really struggled to ever see me as anything other than this difficult, obnoxious, problem child. But that in the last few years, everyone else talked about me completely differently to how she saw me and she also looked at what I was doing with my life and realized she didn't know this person at all. She apologized and asked if she could get to know me.

I love this. Thanks for sharing.

I should add that I did make her life difficult (and in my teen years it was intentional) and I didn't let her get to know me. I barely spoke to her other than basic information for about a decade in my teens. I shared nothing with her. I didn't trust her, and also I think I was scared that if she got to know the real me and still didn't like me - that would be crushing. As much as I couldn't stand her, I wanted her approval.

And yet now we vacation together, she comes and helps out at my house, we text often and we like each other. Not something I ever thought would happen given our relationship for the first 25 years of my life.

ALL children want their parents to love and approve of them no matter how much they rebel or act snotty.

OP, please, understand that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is 15, I already know we won’t be close or have a relationship. Grant it she is going through the teen years but I don’t think she’ll ever fully mature, grow out of ALL her insecurities, and jealous personality. I do hope she will but I’ve always been perceptive of people. I tell her ai love her, support her but I am tired of the battles. Sounds terrible but i can’t wait for college, I’m afraid that she won’t go away to school nor move out one day. She is that insecure, draining. I accept her the way she is now and am slowly learning how to remove myself from emotional, reactive, insecurities. I’m just trying not to hate her. Help me..

I never though I would have a good relationship with my mother until I was in my 30s and a mother myself - but then I read what you wrote about your daughter and you sound awful. My mom is critical, insecure, self-centered, and jealous. In some ways my life would be easier without her - but she is a good grandmother to my children and that’s important to me. Cognitive behavioral therapy helped me accept that I can only control my own thoughts and actions and how I react to others. I can’t control her, but I can control her ability to hurt me. It literally took almost a decade, but I just quit letting her act out. When she lashed out at me or crossed my boundaries I ended the conversation or left the visit. I waited for her to reach out again. Now she mostly behaves herself but I can tell it’s draining to be “on her best behavior” for an extended period of time. She’s still a miserable person, I just don’t have to deal with it anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother would have said the same as you OP when I was 15. We had never gotten along and were really different people and our dislike for each other peaked in the 14-23 age range. It was tenuous well into my twenties and we will never be best buddy, call each other every day type people BUT we do have a great relationship that now works for both of us. I am sure she wishes we were closer but we talk often, see each other regularly and do things together. I don't know that I would say we relate as mother-daughter but definitely as family.

What changed everything was that when I was 23-24 my mother called me one day. She said she had loved me but had never liked me but realized that was because she had never gotten to really know me as a person. That our conflicts in childhood had shaped her view of me and that she had really struggled to ever see me as anything other than this difficult, obnoxious, problem child. But that in the last few years, everyone else talked about me completely differently to how she saw me and she also looked at what I was doing with my life and realized she didn't know this person at all. She apologized and asked if she could get to know me.

I love this. Thanks for sharing.

I should add that I did make her life difficult (and in my teen years it was intentional) and I didn't let her get to know me. I barely spoke to her other than basic information for about a decade in my teens. I shared nothing with her. I didn't trust her, and also I think I was scared that if she got to know the real me and still didn't like me - that would be crushing. As much as I couldn't stand her, I wanted her approval.

And yet now we vacation together, she comes and helps out at my house, we text often and we like each other. Not something I ever thought would happen given our relationship for the first 25 years of my life.

Sometimes DCUM really is a place full of hope and grace. Thanks for posting that. How do you think your mom came to say that to you?

[Anonymous]

NP here and I have two DDs and the older one is very difficult. Age 15 was realy hard. It's because they have all their difficult traits and don't have enough frontal lobe development to tame themselves.

I also was counting down the years/months to college. I remember one night hiding in the garage saying to myself, "Five more years. Come on. You can do this for five more years."

But then I was also scared she would not fledge.

1) OP your kid might have special needs (look at the special needs forum). In particular, SN kids who can navigate school often don't get diagnosed. My kid was not diagnosed until just before college.

2) I say this because I'm also a parent of an NT and I can understand how parents of NT kids could not possibly imagine how a parent would be wishing that her kid would leave.

My kid has just started her second year in college and it's actually a lot better--it's fun to meet her and have lunch together. It's entirely different than when she lived at home.

And when she comes home, yes, she reverts, as many kids do.

She's 20 now. Her psychiatrist said that these kinds of kids really change from 20-25. He said I would not recognize her at 25.

Whether or not your kid is SN, it's important she has a team to help her out, so it's not all you. My kid has a therapist, a psychologist, and an ADHD specialist, and me. But the work is spread around and so it's not all me, which is good because moms have the most emotional involvement and the least training. And it's 24/7.

And find yourself a therapist, OP! I got my first one at 54 y.o. and it's so nice to have someone to tell this stuff to--who isn't going to demonize you.

You can do it, OP! I know you can.

[Anonymous]

OP you sound flat out exhausted. Go to bed early. Like they tell you in the newborn days, it’ll get better when she’s older.