When did you know that you and your child would not have a good relationship when they became adult?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a narcissist

LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like my parents who wrote me off in college because I "changed" and wasn't the perfect kid any longer. To be clear, I was still a young adult any parent should be proud of (good grades in a hard major, active throughout the campus, lots of friends) but I struggled for the first time in my life in college. It wasn't easy for me all of the time. I also wanted to try things that didn't agree with - living abroad for a bit, staying in my college city over the summer, etc.

We no longer have a very close relationship because of them and their behavior.

You’re projecting. I don’t think your situation necessarily sounds like what OP is dealing with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother would have said the same as you OP when I was 15. We had never gotten along and were really different people and our dislike for each other peaked in the 14-23 age range. It was tenuous well into my twenties and we will never be best buddy, call each other every day type people BUT we do have a great relationship that now works for both of us. I am sure she wishes we were closer but we talk often, see each other regularly and do things together. I don't know that I would say we relate as mother-daughter but definitely as family.

What changed everything was that when I was 23-24 my mother called me one day. She said she had loved me but had never liked me but realized that was because she had never gotten to really know me as a person. That our conflicts in childhood had shaped her view of me and that she had really struggled to ever see me as anything other than this difficult, obnoxious, problem child. But that in the last few years, everyone else talked about me completely differently to how she saw me and she also looked at what I was doing with my life and realized she didn't know this person at all. She apologized and asked if she could get to know me.

I love this. Thanks for sharing.

I should add that I did make her life difficult (and in my teen years it was intentional) and I didn't let her get to know me. I barely spoke to her other than basic information for about a decade in my teens. I shared nothing with her. I didn't trust her, and also I think I was scared that if she got to know the real me and still didn't like me - that would be crushing. As much as I couldn't stand her, I wanted her approval.

And yet now we vacation together, she comes and helps out at my house, we text often and we like each other. Not something I ever thought would happen given our relationship for the first 25 years of my life.

Sometimes DCUM really is a place full of hope and grace. Thanks for posting that. How do you think your mom came to say that to you?

I was wondering too. It sounds like she had a huge breakthrough.

I have a hard time going home sometimes because I feel like my mom never noticed that I grew up and changed and was no longer a struggling and sometimes obnoxious teen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is 15, I already know we won’t be close or have a relationship. Grant it she is going through the teen years but I don’t think she’ll ever fully mature, grow out of ALL her insecurities, and jealous personality. I do hope she will but I’ve always been perceptive of people. I tell her ai love her, support her but I am tired of the battles. Sounds terrible but i can’t wait for college, I’m afraid that she won’t go away to school nor move out one day. She is that insecure, draining. I accept her the way she is now and am slowly learning how to remove myself from emotional, reactive, insecurities. I’m just trying not to hate her. Help me..

please try your best not to take this view. Try your hardest to view her as an independent person who may be the polar opposite of you and find the beuty of her different way of looking at things. Just love her even if she is unlike you. Maybe she is the mini-me of your grandma who you did not like or she is the mini-me of your SIL who is so different than you. Your relarionship will only improve with time, if she can feel your love for her no matter how alien she seems to you at various moments. It may help to take her on a trip or even a daytrip. Where you can get out of your routines, and reconnect under a new environment.

[Anonymous]

I must confess I felt very similar about my then 11(!) yo DS. then at 12 he started maturing and I also let go of some of my expectations (we are different, and he is a decent student but not great and not too ambitious).
I am sure we will have rough patches again.
People who said you are exhausted are spot on.
Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like my parents who wrote me off in college because I "changed" and wasn't the perfect kid any longer. To be clear, I was still a young adult any parent should be proud of (good grades in a hard major, active throughout the campus, lots of friends) but I struggled for the first time in my life in college. It wasn't easy for me all of the time. I also wanted to try things that didn't agree with - living abroad for a bit, staying in my college city over the summer, etc.

We no longer have a very close relationship because of them and their behavior.

You’re projecting. I don’t think your situation necessarily sounds like what OP is dealing with.

DP. That is what OP sounds like to me too.

My parents have 5 children, and we each have very different personalities. Our mother is a rule follower. None of us are anything close to this.

We have no- nonsense dominant, ' don't give an eff what people think' personalities to different degrees,( mine is so bad that they labeled me " the craziest one").

We argue a lot because my mother wants everyone to see us the way she would like to be seen. It's never happening.

But she loves us to the bottom of her heart, and we know it. When one of us doubted it( my least crazy sibling ironically), my parents went out of their way to reassure her, sending love with words, action and money, even though they don't have much. Their intentions were very clear, and my sibling saw it and appreciated it.

You love your kids. That's what you do. It doesn't matter what their personalities are. If they are hurt, needy, jealous, it's because they need something. It's not your place to give them everything, but it's your place to make them feel like you would give them everything if you could( nobody can, but that's not the point). Make her feel that love. You are not competing with her. She is your baby and will always be.

My mother is very annoying and could not be a friend of mine because she will drive me crazy with all the " but you were supposed to do this" or "what will people say?". But we are not friends. She is the woman who loves me more than anyone else could. I call her every single day and I put up with her BS because I love her deeply. But she loved me first, and it's pretty obvious.

[Anonymous]

So you are throwing in the towel at 15.

Weren't you a teen? Don't you remember how hard it is?

Your teens brain isn't even done developing.

[Anonymous]

My kids get along much better with their dad now that they don't have to live with him anymore. People change OP. Continue to be nice, reach out, and hope for the mother/daughter relationship you want one day.

[Anonymous]

It’s clear from the first post that the OP is the issue. Sheesh, poor daughter.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you hug her everyday? If not, you should try it out. I don't mean a passing hug. Hug her, rub her back, make it last a little while.

When I was 19, I was in a dark place, and my mother would just hold me and not let go. It was heaven. Sometimes, I would cry and she couldn't figure out what was going on.. However she would just keep hugging me and rubbing my back.

It was magical, and it was all anyone could do to help. I will never forget those hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother would have said the same as you OP when I was 15. We had never gotten along and were really different people and our dislike for each other peaked in the 14-23 age range. It was tenuous well into my twenties and we will never be best buddy, call each other every day type people BUT we do have a great relationship that now works for both of us. I am sure she wishes we were closer but we talk often, see each other regularly and do things together. I don't know that I would say we relate as mother-daughter but definitely as family.

What changed everything was that when I was 23-24 my mother called me one day. She said she had loved me but had never liked me but realized that was because she had never gotten to really know me as a person. That our conflicts in childhood had shaped her view of me and that she had really struggled to ever see me as anything other than this difficult, obnoxious, problem child. But that in the last few years, everyone else talked about me completely differently to how she saw me and she also looked at what I was doing with my life and realized she didn't know this person at all. She apologized and asked if she could get to know me.

I love this. Thanks for sharing.

Me too. That was brave and humble of your mom to reach out and share that with you.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP I don’t have an answer for you because my son is just 17. But I have worked really hard to create a relationship that was different from the one my parents and I had and have. Was I successful? Time will tell.

I’m posting because I’m sure your daughter has picked up on your feelings of giving up on her. This isn’t rational on your behalf, she’s a minor and you need to parent. Are you depressed? I suggest you see someone and get assessed. Where’s the other parent in this story? You didn’t mention dad.

It may be hard to see your daughter as a child but she is. Please give her a long hug. She’s going through a hard time as a teenager. Get help for yourself also.

[Anonymous]

What the actual frack? She is a teen, and you sound so evil it is horrible. Were you always so "perfect" you narcissist?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you hug her everyday? If not, you should try it out. I don't mean a passing hug. Hug her, rub her back, make it last a little while.

When I was 19, I was in a dark place, and my mother would just hold me and not let go. It was heaven. Sometimes, I would cry and she couldn't figure out what was going on.. However she would just keep hugging me and rubbing my back.

It was magical, and it was all anyone could do to help. I will never forget those hugs.

I have a friend whose kids are teenagers and older, and every so often, she makes sure to hug them so long that they are the ones pulling away. That really stayed with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother would have said the same as you OP when I was 15. We had never gotten along and were really different people and our dislike for each other peaked in the 14-23 age range. It was tenuous well into my twenties and we will never be best buddy, call each other every day type people BUT we do have a great relationship that now works for both of us. I am sure she wishes we were closer but we talk often, see each other regularly and do things together. I don't know that I would say we relate as mother-daughter but definitely as family.

What changed everything was that when I was 23-24 my mother called me one day. She said she had loved me but had never liked me but realized that was because she had never gotten to really know me as a person. That our conflicts in childhood had shaped her view of me and that she had really struggled to ever see me as anything other than this difficult, obnoxious, problem child. But that in the last few years, everyone else talked about me completely differently to how she saw me and she also looked at what I was doing with my life and realized she didn't know this person at all. She apologized and asked if she could get to know me.

I love this. Thanks for sharing.

I should add that I did make her life difficult (and in my teen years it was intentional) and I didn't let her get to know me. I barely spoke to her other than basic information for about a decade in my teens. I shared nothing with her. I didn't trust her, and also I think I was scared that if she got to know the real me and still didn't like me - that would be crushing. As much as I couldn't stand her, I wanted her approval.

And yet now we vacation together, she comes and helps out at my house, we text often and we like each other. Not something I ever thought would happen given our relationship for the first 25 years of my life.

Sometimes DCUM really is a place full of hope and grace. Thanks for posting that. How do you think your mom came to say that to you?

I was wondering too. It sounds like she had a huge breakthrough.

I have a hard time going home sometimes because I feel like my mom never noticed that I grew up and changed and was no longer a struggling and sometimes obnoxious teen.

Same. I’m still the black sheep of the family, regardless of how well I have done in life. Would love a big genuine hug from my mom one day to erase all of the pain. But it’s not going to happen. So I just try to be the best mom I can be.