ADHD in husband not found by neurologist/psychiatrist?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was he really bewildered or just saying so?

Sounds like deeply ingrained people pleasing to me, to the point where he doesn't have his own thoughts. If you stated you're at the ER at 3:00, then from his perspective he had to work because his boss expects it. Nevermind what seems logical to you that the boss would have let him go if he'd explained the situation because he never even got that far because default is it's work time so he's working. It seems inattentive to you to stay at work, but it's the first "should" he thought of.

Then before he leaves work he gets a text from friends with a clear ask to go out at 6:00. Default is yes because they asked him (maybe you didn't explicitly) and he drops all other thoughts and context (i.e., at 6:00 he's otherwise be free to see you) because they have the most recent "demand" and he can't disappoint them.

Back to the bewildered part. After you asked why he didn't come, he "had to" show up and be bewildered because otherwise you'd be (more) upset. Once you're that upset all he can do (I mean in his mind/split second anxiety/people pleasing reaction, not what you or even would do after thinking it all the way through) is jump up and go because now you have the louder "demand" and can't be disappointed.

I would look into the systems in his family of origin to see who he was people pleasing/ peace making with them and try a therapist for anxiety. He might not honestly even know what he wants or thinks if he's been putting it aside his whole life.

What you just described is classic aspergers:
Not having the executive functioning skills to rearrange his day given new developments.
Not understanding social cues so overly relies on inbound emails or calls to “tell him” what to asap. (Always asap, no planning or thought)
Avoiding personal or emotional things, like an injured or hurt family member in the hospital, to do mechanical things like work, tv, movie, beers/game.
Never making his own decisions or taking responsibility, always blaming other “rules” he memorized (finish work, see friends on Friday, take out garbage thurs AM, no matter what!)

Enough with the armchair diagnosis. A man with a normal career and a regular guy’s night out is not on the spectrum. OP is describing some typical male behavior compounded by being a bit self-centered or forgetful, with slower processing speed. Once she explains he gets it right away and feels remorse. If OP were willing to give up her Prince Charming fantasies and just communicate what she wants, a lot of problems would go away. Maybe there’s a lot more she’s not explaining.

Autism is not male self-absorbed behavior. Your husband failing to react in way you want (but don’t actually tell him) is not autism.

What if Op was under the knife or in a coma. Who’s gonna tell him what to do?

There are countless examples of aspie partners not going to their own kids or spouses emergency or surgery or accident in order to simply be at my work desk until 5pm. Or no one told me. Or she’s just fine, the other spouse is there.

stop it with the aspie husband stuff.

there are also countless examples of BPD wives being absurdly dramatic and demanding everyone read their minds.

And you, PP demonstrate lack of ability to understand another’s perspective whatsoever. Instead you invalidate and attack.

Your oppositional and defiant reaction all over this thread is quite apparent.

As you already know, unmanaged ASD and ODD go hand in hand in adults.

Best of luck to you and your empathetic ASD daughter.

lol. any more diagnoses you want to give us?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you suspect he has some kind of psychological issue, being passive aggressive will not help because he will miss it entirely
When he texted you about going out with friends, just say "No, I need you to come to the ER." Don't just go silent and expect him to realize you are upset.

Nobody should have to explicitly tell a spouse or family member that they should be with them at the ER. This is about societal norms and expectations, which get conveniently ignored by people who are selfish/self-centered.

Ok well, where does that attitude get you? Alone in the ER. Good job.

What’s lonelier? A neglectful, inattentive, emotionally stunted spouse or no spouse?

wtf do you want? your choices are: ask your spouse to come to the ER, or be alone. If you hate your spouse, divorce.

Np. A non-neglectful, non-inattentive, non-emotionally stunted spouse.

Don’t you agree? What are you trying to pick a fight about. This is a no brainer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have had many problems over the years. I came on DCUM and described my issues. I had thought dementia. The consensus on DCUM, however, was ADHD. He went to a neurologist and a specialist.

We were told that he does not have either. At most, he processes information slower than normal but there is no medication and no way to help except for him to do mind games (crosswords, etc) to exercise his mind.

We've tried it but it's just getting worse.

As an example, I was in the hospital recently for some serious abdominal pain. I had to wait for 3 hours to be seen and told him. While he was at work, I understood him not visiting. But hours after he was no longer at work, instead of him coming to visit I get a text message that he has made plans with his male friends to go get beers for a guys night (he emphasized that it is guys only as if to signal that I wasn't included even though I was at the hospital and couldn't go).

I ignored the message. Hours later, I get another text asking why I hadn't updated him. I told him that he obviously wanted drinks with the boys instead of visiting me so he didn't seem to want an update. He was clearly confused, and after 30 minutes of me explaining that a normal husband would have visited, he rushed over and finally visited, which I obviously didn't want at that point. But he was confused and bewildered at his own behavior, clearly upset with guilt and shame that he didn't visit. When we were dating, I remember him saying that a girlfriend didn't visit him when he was in the ER once with simple dehydration and he knew that she wasn't the one. I know this is his values.

So again, I feel like it's ADHD or dementia and our marriage could be saved with a correct diagnosis. But what's the chance of both a neurologist (for dementia) and a psychiatrist for the ADHD (who did a full analysis) being wrong?

But how can I be married to a guy who has treated me this badly? Our 16-year old DD wants me to divorce him too. She's sick of the way he treats me (she wasn't home when I went to the hospital because she was with friends but shocked that he didn't even visit me, let alone went out to beers). She's also sick of the way he treats her. He "forgets" things that he's not supposed to share (like her crush's name), forgets to pick her up, and just treats her the way he treats me.

Looking back, I would say that he's always been like this but that it's gotten worse and worse over the years. In the beginning, he was still out-of-sight, out-of-mind but I cannot imagine it being to this extreme where his family member is in the ER with potential appendicitis and he makes plans to go out for beers and seems to completely forget that he is texting that same family member to tell them. It's completely thoughtless.

But maybe he has always been this bad. Maybe it's narcissism but that had been ruled out by our marriage counselor. But maybe he hid it.

Our DD is grown up. If divorce is the answer, which I think it may be, even with any of the 3 As, now is the time for our family. I cannot live like this anymore.

I have thought of the consequences -- losing mutual friends, mutual "places," money, "companionship", and I'm okay with it. I cannot be married to someone who goes out to beers when I'm in the ER. It's completely absurd. And I don't want our DD to think that's the type of marriage she should be in either.

Gosh. I am so sorry OP.

To get to the ER in severe abdominal pain and have to do all that testing to find out what it may be and what it may not be is agonizing.
I’m so sorry your husband did not get to your side to support you through that all. It could have been something serious like a ruptured appendix or a blockage or something more acute like food poisoning or a virus.

I’m also worried for you, as you age, that you don’t have a decent support system. A husband or wife should not duck their responsibilities to provide care and support in the moment or beyond. Not for office work and not for fraternizing. That is very odd.

If you say there is a pattern of him doing nonsensical things in the moment of need that means you cannot count on him. That’s devastating in a relationship.
Did he get a full neuropsych test with the modules? Or just talk to a doctor? Did you contribute to the intake forms? I would assume so, since many disorders include lack of self awareness or even Mindblindness.

I would build an actual support network for reliable friends and neighbors or family. At the same time I’d find a therapist and decide what to do about this relationship.

[Anonymous]

Doesn’t sound like ADHD to me. As an adult with ADHD, I would look for: inability to complete complex tasks, gets lost easily/misses exits when driving, clumsy/poor sense of where body is in space, leaves items and papers in piles all around the house or dumps into a box i.e. doom boxes, says “what?” a lot / never hears the beginning of what you say, easily overwhelmed with “administrative” tasks like making appointments, sensitive to rejection or correction, cycles through hobbies or projects - goes all in purchasing materials or equipment never to finish, prone to addiction or consuming a lot of caffeine or crunchy food to try to self-medicate.

It sounds like his behavior might be new or a change from baseline and is surprising to him. That is concerning and warrants a medical check-up.

If he has always been unable to handle stress - like he literally runs away from supporting a loved one in a scary scenario - it could be a trauma response. I can see him feeling guilt and shame about this response pattern while also having No Idea why he does it.

[Anonymous]

My ex had a mid life crisis and behaved like this and had adhd, autism traits, anxiety, depression/bipolar. I think it was bipolar but he was diagnosed with major depression. The alcohol can be something that can contribute to depression.

[Anonymous]

Op, I don’t really know what my husband or DC has but it sounds like they might have a similar response to your scenario. I suspect they might have HFA, but I’m not sure. When I was going over my labor and delivery plan, my husband suggested that I drive myself to the hospital since it would take him an extra 15 minutes to pick me up from work. I had to explain to him why that was unacceptable. When I was 5cm dilated and close to delivering, he told me he was going to out and run some errands and that he would be back later. I again had to explain why this was not acceptable. When the baby arrived, he said he was going to go home and get a good night’s rest. By then I was tired of arguing, so I let him go, only to have the nurse come back and ask where he was an hour later and to tell him to come back because our baby had serious health complications.

He does not do it to hurt me- he is unable to put himself in my shoes and see things from my perspective. We have learned to make it work, but it does require a lot of patience and a lot of explicit and clear communication about what you need from him in very specific terms, and frequent reminders. It also requires a lot of empathy from you to understand how he thinks. And also requires that you have a solid emotional support system in place where you can get your emotional needs met by others.

[Anonymous]

Yikes.

Yes it’s coming from a source of total cluelessness, not malice.

Either way, not good. Protect yourself.

[Anonymous]

I'm the poster who suggested people pleasing and that suggestion was in response to the big picture and I think I might remember the old post and thought you were describing my husband. I'm guessing the ER thing is just the thing that got you to post again and it's big enough to be "obviously" an issue to outsiders and you're reacting to the sum of years of of these issues big and small. Plus by now you are probably contributing to the dynamic because you've felt unheard for so long.

Does he have an overbearing mom? Husband also had neuropsych with processing issues but that was what I hung onto for a long time to make it makes sense. It was not the primary issue, which was people pleasing. Note I didn't say people pleasing behavior actually pleases anyone. It does not. It's for the person doing it to feel better about themselves.

Does he have his own preferences about stuff? I don't mean do you compromise/take turns on activities. I mean does he even HAVE any preferences of his in the first place? Or is it always "I'm fine with whatever you want to do."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why didn’t you just tell him you wanted him to come visit? I am really confused by your post. None of what you wrote sounds bad at all, just a forgetful person. It’s very childish of you to want him to automatically know what you want.

Bingo. OP didn't say she asked him to visit her in the hospital in the first place. Then, when he texted her for an update, she ignored. Of course he's confused. You sound passive aggressive, OP. We have no idea how serious the abdominal pain was, either. Maybe you have Munchausens and make frequent E/R trips.

This sounds like a "you" problem, frankly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you suspect he has some kind of psychological issue, being passive aggressive will not help because he will miss it entirely
When he texted you about going out with friends, just say "No, I need you to come to the ER." Don't just go silent and expect him to realize you are upset.

Nobody should have to explicitly tell a spouse or family member that they should be with them at the ER. This is about societal norms and expectations, which get conveniently ignored by people who are selfish/self-centered.

What was OP's diagnosis? She doesn't say. Maybe she's done this sort of thing before.

OP's husband told her his plans--beers with the boys--and she didn't indicate any desire for him to come to the E/R. Then, when he finally shows up, she blasts him and degrades him. The person with the mental health problem is more likely the OP than her husband, since he was evaluated and given a clean bill of health.

OP, how about you? Ever been evaluated for any mental health conditions? Also what was the deal with your abdomen?

[Anonymous]

OP here.

This is so helpful.

First, I 100% agree that I have BPD. It is probably the reason I never left. But I also know that I didn't have it before my marriage. I was in incredibly healthy relationships and was stable and calm. I think this is the #1 reason that I have to leave this relationship. I am losing my own sanity and my own grasp on what's okay and what's not. I just don't think I even have a chance at reality if I am staying in a marriage that looks like mine.

Second, I have thought that DH has narcissism before but he does not. We had suggested it at the beginning of our relationship to an early marriage counselor and it's not true. Plus, he is sincerely in shock -- as in he is distraught and doesn't know what's wrong with him and feels like he is going insane, too. Years ago, I was told by our marriage counselor that he won't change but that it was due to his career demands and it was a survival mechanism. But that no longer makes sense to me. Or at least it's no longer an excuse to me.

Third, and this is probably where my fault. I did not need him to visit and did not expect him to read my mind. I am very communicative and clear. I thought he may go home after work because the hospital is inconvenient. I was fine with that. Yes, I did think that he would text me and ask for an update OR I would have given him an update. But yes, I found his long text to let me know it was guys only (as a hint that I wasn't invited). He wasn't cheating on me. I know every single guy that he named one by one and their wives and so I actually know that he didn't even tell the guys that I was in the ER. One of the wives actually texted me to ask what I was doing that night and later told me that my husband didn't even mention it to her husband when they were out. That is also weird. I wish it was an affair. It would make walking away easier. It would give me a concrete thing to hold onto. It's a lot harder that I'm walking away from all these years without any major change.

Re the ab pain, they still have no diagnosis. It's been going on for weeks and getting worse. And maybe that is a bigger sign of BPD but considering that I have had health issues for just a couple months and have had an issue with the way DH treats me for a over a decade and a half, and have been making excuses for him and trying to downplay it, I think the problem isn't the BPD or the ab issues.

[Anonymous]

You probably have an ulcer and are immune compromised after living with someone this selfish, dense, unpredictable and rude.

[Anonymous]

Sorry if someone asked, but do you have kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:his diagnosis is he is running around on you,

This were my thoughts 5 pages back. This is how a cheater acts when he has a hot tamale on the line. This is how a guy with options treats the old ball and chain. He’s disinterested, he’s not dumb, ADHD’d or demented.

[Anonymous]

op. you sound so pathetic. Your husband is simply heedless and lacks personal responsibility.