ADHD in husband not found by neurologist/psychiatrist?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why didn’t you just tell him you wanted him to come visit? I am really confused by your post. None of what you wrote sounds bad at all, just a forgetful person. It’s very childish of you to want him to automatically know what you want.

Why bother?

It’s all check-the-box to him.

Do you really want someone like him at the hospital or the party or the sporting event or the award show, just sitting there not saying or doing anything? No, you want a good friend who has empathy and EQ and can emotionally support you. That will never be OPs spouse. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was he really bewildered or just saying so?

Sounds like deeply ingrained people pleasing to me, to the point where he doesn't have his own thoughts. If you stated you're at the ER at 3:00, then from his perspective he had to work because his boss expects it. Nevermind what seems logical to you that the boss would have let him go if he'd explained the situation because he never even got that far because default is it's work time so he's working. It seems inattentive to you to stay at work, but it's the first "should" he thought of.

Then before he leaves work he gets a text from friends with a clear ask to go out at 6:00. Default is yes because they asked him (maybe you didn't explicitly) and he drops all other thoughts and context (i.e., at 6:00 he's otherwise be free to see you) because they have the most recent "demand" and he can't disappoint them.

Back to the bewildered part. After you asked why he didn't come, he "had to" show up and be bewildered because otherwise you'd be (more) upset. Once you're that upset all he can do (I mean in his mind/split second anxiety/people pleasing reaction, not what you or even would do after thinking it all the way through) is jump up and go because now you have the louder "demand" and can't be disappointed.

I would look into the systems in his family of origin to see who he was people pleasing/ peace making with them and try a therapist for anxiety. He might not honestly even know what he wants or thinks if he's been putting it aside his whole life.

What you just described is classic aspergers:
Not having the executive functioning skills to rearrange his day given new developments.
Not understanding social cues so overly relies on inbound emails or calls to “tell him” what to asap. (Always asap, no planning or thought)
Avoiding personal or emotional things, like an injured or hurt family member in the hospital, to do mechanical things like work, tv, movie, beers/game.
Never making his own decisions or taking responsibility, always blaming other “rules” he memorized (finish work, see friends on Friday, take out garbage thurs AM, no matter what!)

Enough with the armchair diagnosis. A man with a normal career and a regular guy’s night out is not on the spectrum. OP is describing some typical male behavior compounded by being a bit self-centered or forgetful, with slower processing speed. Once she explains he gets it right away and feels remorse. If OP were willing to give up her Prince Charming fantasies and just communicate what she wants, a lot of problems would go away. Maybe there’s a lot more she’s not explaining.

Autism is not male self-absorbed behavior. Your husband failing to react in way you want (but don’t actually tell him) is not autism.

These type of excuses for rude, selfish and disrespectful behavior is exactly what women are told when mistreated in personal relationships and how they end up trapped with a mentally disordered spouse with kids.

Stop falling for it. No marriage material.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was he really bewildered or just saying so?

Sounds like deeply ingrained people pleasing to me, to the point where he doesn't have his own thoughts. If you stated you're at the ER at 3:00, then from his perspective he had to work because his boss expects it. Nevermind what seems logical to you that the boss would have let him go if he'd explained the situation because he never even got that far because default is it's work time so he's working. It seems inattentive to you to stay at work, but it's the first "should" he thought of.

Then before he leaves work he gets a text from friends with a clear ask to go out at 6:00. Default is yes because they asked him (maybe you didn't explicitly) and he drops all other thoughts and context (i.e., at 6:00 he's otherwise be free to see you) because they have the most recent "demand" and he can't disappoint them.

Back to the bewildered part. After you asked why he didn't come, he "had to" show up and be bewildered because otherwise you'd be (more) upset. Once you're that upset all he can do (I mean in his mind/split second anxiety/people pleasing reaction, not what you or even would do after thinking it all the way through) is jump up and go because now you have the louder "demand" and can't be disappointed.

I would look into the systems in his family of origin to see who he was people pleasing/ peace making with them and try a therapist for anxiety. He might not honestly even know what he wants or thinks if he's been putting it aside his whole life.

What you just described is classic aspergers:
Not having the executive functioning skills to rearrange his day given new developments.
Not understanding social cues so overly relies on inbound emails or calls to “tell him” what to asap. (Always asap, no planning or thought)
Avoiding personal or emotional things, like an injured or hurt family member in the hospital, to do mechanical things like work, tv, movie, beers/game.
Never making his own decisions or taking responsibility, always blaming other “rules” he memorized (finish work, see friends on Friday, take out garbage thurs AM, no matter what!)

Enough with the armchair diagnosis. A man with a normal career and a regular guy’s night out is not on the spectrum. OP is describing some typical male behavior compounded by being a bit self-centered or forgetful, with slower processing speed. Once she explains he gets it right away and feels remorse. If OP were willing to give up her Prince Charming fantasies and just communicate what she wants, a lot of problems would go away. Maybe there’s a lot more she’s not explaining.

Autism is not male self-absorbed behavior. Your husband failing to react in way you want (but don’t actually tell him) is not autism.

What if Op was under the knife or in a coma. Who’s gonna tell him what to do?

There are countless examples of aspie partners not going to their own kids or spouses emergency or surgery or accident in order to simply be at my work desk until 5pm. Or no one told me. Or she’s just fine, the other spouse is there.

[Anonymous]

his diagnosis is he is running around on you,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you suspect he has some kind of psychological issue, being passive aggressive will not help because he will miss it entirely
When he texted you about going out with friends, just say "No, I need you to come to the ER." Don't just go silent and expect him to realize you are upset.

Nobody should have to explicitly tell a spouse or family member that they should be with them at the ER. This is about societal norms and expectations, which get conveniently ignored by people who are selfish/self-centered.

Ok well, where does that attitude get you? Alone in the ER. Good job.

[Anonymous]

My husband (and daughter and MIL) all have diagnosed ADHD. In addition, I have a degree in special education and have taught many children throughout my career with ADHD. What you are describing does *NOT*(bold, italics, underlined) sound characteristic of ADHD. With ADHD, you forget things like your keys. Or your assignment book. Not your wife in the ER. When I was in the hospital my husband dropped everything to come see me. He probably forgot to put his car in park when he arrived, but he came nonetheless. And my daughter, who can be emotionally out of touch sometimes, was beside herself with emotion. Honestly, you might want to get him an MRI to rule out anything nefarious, but to me it sounds more like gaslighting by a certified narcissist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was he really bewildered or just saying so?

Sounds like deeply ingrained people pleasing to me, to the point where he doesn't have his own thoughts. If you stated you're at the ER at 3:00, then from his perspective he had to work because his boss expects it. Nevermind what seems logical to you that the boss would have let him go if he'd explained the situation because he never even got that far because default is it's work time so he's working. It seems inattentive to you to stay at work, but it's the first "should" he thought of.

Then before he leaves work he gets a text from friends with a clear ask to go out at 6:00. Default is yes because they asked him (maybe you didn't explicitly) and he drops all other thoughts and context (i.e., at 6:00 he's otherwise be free to see you) because they have the most recent "demand" and he can't disappoint them.

Back to the bewildered part. After you asked why he didn't come, he "had to" show up and be bewildered because otherwise you'd be (more) upset. Once you're that upset all he can do (I mean in his mind/split second anxiety/people pleasing reaction, not what you or even would do after thinking it all the way through) is jump up and go because now you have the louder "demand" and can't be disappointed.

I would look into the systems in his family of origin to see who he was people pleasing/ peace making with them and try a therapist for anxiety. He might not honestly even know what he wants or thinks if he's been putting it aside his whole life.

What you just described is classic aspergers:
Not having the executive functioning skills to rearrange his day given new developments.
Not understanding social cues so overly relies on inbound emails or calls to “tell him” what to asap. (Always asap, no planning or thought)
Avoiding personal or emotional things, like an injured or hurt family member in the hospital, to do mechanical things like work, tv, movie, beers/game.
Never making his own decisions or taking responsibility, always blaming other “rules” he memorized (finish work, see friends on Friday, take out garbage thurs AM, no matter what!)

Enough with the armchair diagnosis. A man with a normal career and a regular guy’s night out is not on the spectrum. OP is describing some typical male behavior compounded by being a bit self-centered or forgetful, with slower processing speed. Once she explains he gets it right away and feels remorse. If OP were willing to give up her Prince Charming fantasies and just communicate what she wants, a lot of problems would go away. Maybe there’s a lot more she’s not explaining.

Autism is not male self-absorbed behavior. Your husband failing to react in way you want (but don’t actually tell him) is not autism.

These type of excuses for rude, selfish and disrespectful behavior is exactly what women are told when mistreated in personal relationships and how they end up trapped with a mentally disordered spouse with kids.

Stop falling for it. No marriage material.

So you think it’s better to randomly label behavior you dislike with the diagnosis du jour and declare that your spouse is mentally disordered as a way to explain everything?

OP may very well have good reason to leave her DH. She is clearly unhappy. But labeling any behavior she dislikes as “ADHD”
in an apparent bid to exuse herself from any role, is not going to lead to anything good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was he really bewildered or just saying so?

Sounds like deeply ingrained people pleasing to me, to the point where he doesn't have his own thoughts. If you stated you're at the ER at 3:00, then from his perspective he had to work because his boss expects it. Nevermind what seems logical to you that the boss would have let him go if he'd explained the situation because he never even got that far because default is it's work time so he's working. It seems inattentive to you to stay at work, but it's the first "should" he thought of.

Then before he leaves work he gets a text from friends with a clear ask to go out at 6:00. Default is yes because they asked him (maybe you didn't explicitly) and he drops all other thoughts and context (i.e., at 6:00 he's otherwise be free to see you) because they have the most recent "demand" and he can't disappoint them.

Back to the bewildered part. After you asked why he didn't come, he "had to" show up and be bewildered because otherwise you'd be (more) upset. Once you're that upset all he can do (I mean in his mind/split second anxiety/people pleasing reaction, not what you or even would do after thinking it all the way through) is jump up and go because now you have the louder "demand" and can't be disappointed.

I would look into the systems in his family of origin to see who he was people pleasing/ peace making with them and try a therapist for anxiety. He might not honestly even know what he wants or thinks if he's been putting it aside his whole life.

What you just described is classic aspergers:
Not having the executive functioning skills to rearrange his day given new developments.
Not understanding social cues so overly relies on inbound emails or calls to “tell him” what to asap. (Always asap, no planning or thought)
Avoiding personal or emotional things, like an injured or hurt family member in the hospital, to do mechanical things like work, tv, movie, beers/game.
Never making his own decisions or taking responsibility, always blaming other “rules” he memorized (finish work, see friends on Friday, take out garbage thurs AM, no matter what!)

Enough with the armchair diagnosis. A man with a normal career and a regular guy’s night out is not on the spectrum. OP is describing some typical male behavior compounded by being a bit self-centered or forgetful, with slower processing speed. Once she explains he gets it right away and feels remorse. If OP were willing to give up her Prince Charming fantasies and just communicate what she wants, a lot of problems would go away. Maybe there’s a lot more she’s not explaining.

Autism is not male self-absorbed behavior. Your husband failing to react in way you want (but don’t actually tell him) is not autism.

What if Op was under the knife or in a coma. Who’s gonna tell him what to do?

There are countless examples of aspie partners not going to their own kids or spouses emergency or surgery or accident in order to simply be at my work desk until 5pm. Or no one told me. Or she’s just fine, the other spouse is there.

stop it with the aspie husband stuff.

there are also countless examples of BPD wives being absurdly dramatic and demanding everyone read their minds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you suspect he has some kind of psychological issue, being passive aggressive will not help because he will miss it entirely
When he texted you about going out with friends, just say "No, I need you to come to the ER." Don't just go silent and expect him to realize you are upset.

Nobody should have to explicitly tell a spouse or family member that they should be with them at the ER. This is about societal norms and expectations, which get conveniently ignored by people who are selfish/self-centered.

Ok well, where does that attitude get you? Alone in the ER. Good job.

What’s lonelier? A neglectful, inattentive, emotionally stunted spouse or no spouse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was he really bewildered or just saying so?

Sounds like deeply ingrained people pleasing to me, to the point where he doesn't have his own thoughts. If you stated you're at the ER at 3:00, then from his perspective he had to work because his boss expects it. Nevermind what seems logical to you that the boss would have let him go if he'd explained the situation because he never even got that far because default is it's work time so he's working. It seems inattentive to you to stay at work, but it's the first "should" he thought of.

Then before he leaves work he gets a text from friends with a clear ask to go out at 6:00. Default is yes because they asked him (maybe you didn't explicitly) and he drops all other thoughts and context (i.e., at 6:00 he's otherwise be free to see you) because they have the most recent "demand" and he can't disappoint them.

Back to the bewildered part. After you asked why he didn't come, he "had to" show up and be bewildered because otherwise you'd be (more) upset. Once you're that upset all he can do (I mean in his mind/split second anxiety/people pleasing reaction, not what you or even would do after thinking it all the way through) is jump up and go because now you have the louder "demand" and can't be disappointed.

I would look into the systems in his family of origin to see who he was people pleasing/ peace making with them and try a therapist for anxiety. He might not honestly even know what he wants or thinks if he's been putting it aside his whole life.

What you just described is classic aspergers:
Not having the executive functioning skills to rearrange his day given new developments.
Not understanding social cues so overly relies on inbound emails or calls to “tell him” what to asap. (Always asap, no planning or thought)
Avoiding personal or emotional things, like an injured or hurt family member in the hospital, to do mechanical things like work, tv, movie, beers/game.
Never making his own decisions or taking responsibility, always blaming other “rules” he memorized (finish work, see friends on Friday, take out garbage thurs AM, no matter what!)

Enough with the armchair diagnosis. A man with a normal career and a regular guy’s night out is not on the spectrum. OP is describing some typical male behavior compounded by being a bit self-centered or forgetful, with slower processing speed. Once she explains he gets it right away and feels remorse. If OP were willing to give up her Prince Charming fantasies and just communicate what she wants, a lot of problems would go away. Maybe there’s a lot more she’s not explaining.

Autism is not male self-absorbed behavior. Your husband failing to react in way you want (but don’t actually tell him) is not autism.

What if Op was under the knife or in a coma. Who’s gonna tell him what to do?

There are countless examples of aspie partners not going to their own kids or spouses emergency or surgery or accident in order to simply be at my work desk until 5pm. Or no one told me. Or she’s just fine, the other spouse is there.

stop it with the aspie husband stuff.

there are also countless examples of BPD wives being absurdly dramatic and demanding everyone read their minds.

And you, PP demonstrate lack of ability to understand another’s perspective whatsoever. Instead you invalidate and attack.

Your oppositional and defiant reaction all over this thread is quite apparent.

As you already know, unmanaged ASD and ODD go hand in hand in adults.

Best of luck to you and your empathetic ASD daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband (and daughter and MIL) all have diagnosed ADHD. In addition, I have a degree in special education and have taught many children throughout my career with ADHD. What you are describing does *NOT*(bold, italics, underlined) sound characteristic of ADHD. With ADHD, you forget things like your keys. Or your assignment book. Not your wife in the ER. When I was in the hospital my husband dropped everything to come see me. He probably forgot to put his car in park when he arrived, but he came nonetheless. And my daughter, who can be emotionally out of touch sometimes, was beside herself with emotion. Honestly, you might want to get him an MRI to rule out anything nefarious, but to me it sounds more like gaslighting by a certified narcissist.

This.

Stop with any diagnosis chasing. The end result is the same. You’re in an unhealthy, dysfunctional marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not a clinician, but this doesn’t sound like typical ADHD. Do you think he is on the spectrum?

+1

Pathological Demand Avoidance ?

https://embrace-autism.com/eda-qa/

"Meeting with the guys" also sounds like a cover story for meeting someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was he really bewildered or just saying so?

Sounds like deeply ingrained people pleasing to me, to the point where he doesn't have his own thoughts. If you stated you're at the ER at 3:00, then from his perspective he had to work because his boss expects it. Nevermind what seems logical to you that the boss would have let him go if he'd explained the situation because he never even got that far because default is it's work time so he's working. It seems inattentive to you to stay at work, but it's the first "should" he thought of.

Then before he leaves work he gets a text from friends with a clear ask to go out at 6:00. Default is yes because they asked him (maybe you didn't explicitly) and he drops all other thoughts and context (i.e., at 6:00 he's otherwise be free to see you) because they have the most recent "demand" and he can't disappoint them.

Back to the bewildered part. After you asked why he didn't come, he "had to" show up and be bewildered because otherwise you'd be (more) upset. Once you're that upset all he can do (I mean in his mind/split second anxiety/people pleasing reaction, not what you or even would do after thinking it all the way through) is jump up and go because now you have the louder "demand" and can't be disappointed.

I would look into the systems in his family of origin to see who he was people pleasing/ peace making with them and try a therapist for anxiety. He might not honestly even know what he wants or thinks if he's been putting it aside his whole life.

What you just described is classic aspergers:
Not having the executive functioning skills to rearrange his day given new developments.
Not understanding social cues so overly relies on inbound emails or calls to “tell him” what to asap. (Always asap, no planning or thought)
Avoiding personal or emotional things, like an injured or hurt family member in the hospital, to do mechanical things like work, tv, movie, beers/game.
Never making his own decisions or taking responsibility, always blaming other “rules” he memorized (finish work, see friends on Friday, take out garbage thurs AM, no matter what!)

+1

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/16958304/

OP, another factor to consider exploring would be evaluating the impact of any head injuries that your DH sustained in the past.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why didn’t you just tell him you wanted him to come visit? I am really confused by your post. None of what you wrote sounds bad at all, just a forgetful person. It’s very childish of you to want him to automatically know what you want.

Why bother?

It’s all check-the-box to him.

Do you really want someone like him at the hospital or the party or the sporting event or the award show, just sitting there not saying or doing anything? No, you want a good friend who has empathy and EQ and can emotionally support you. That will never be OPs spouse. Sorry.

Bottom line is above.

Who wants a spouse where you also have to be their mommy, secretary, teacher, life coach, etiquette trainer, and housekeeper for? How exhausting and unfulfilling and insulting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you suspect he has some kind of psychological issue, being passive aggressive will not help because he will miss it entirely
When he texted you about going out with friends, just say "No, I need you to come to the ER." Don't just go silent and expect him to realize you are upset.

Nobody should have to explicitly tell a spouse or family member that they should be with them at the ER. This is about societal norms and expectations, which get conveniently ignored by people who are selfish/self-centered.

Ok well, where does that attitude get you? Alone in the ER. Good job.

What’s lonelier? A neglectful, inattentive, emotionally stunted spouse or no spouse?

wtf do you want? your choices are: ask your spouse to come to the ER, or be alone. If you hate your spouse, divorce.