ADHD in husband not found by neurologist/psychiatrist?

[Anonymous]

DH and I have had many problems over the years. I came on DCUM and described my issues. I had thought dementia. The consensus on DCUM, however, was ADHD. He went to a neurologist and a specialist.

We were told that he does not have either. At most, he processes information slower than normal but there is no medication and no way to help except for him to do mind games (crosswords, etc) to exercise his mind.

We've tried it but it's just getting worse.

As an example, I was in the hospital recently for some serious abdominal pain. I had to wait for 3 hours to be seen and told him. While he was at work, I understood him not visiting. But hours after he was no longer at work, instead of him coming to visit I get a text message that he has made plans with his male friends to go get beers for a guys night (he emphasized that it is guys only as if to signal that I wasn't included even though I was at the hospital and couldn't go).

I ignored the message. Hours later, I get another text asking why I hadn't updated him. I told him that he obviously wanted drinks with the boys instead of visiting me so he didn't seem to want an update. He was clearly confused, and after 30 minutes of me explaining that a normal husband would have visited, he rushed over and finally visited, which I obviously didn't want at that point. But he was confused and bewildered at his own behavior, clearly upset with guilt and shame that he didn't visit. When we were dating, I remember him saying that a girlfriend didn't visit him when he was in the ER once with simple dehydration and he knew that she wasn't the one. I know this is his values.

So again, I feel like it's ADHD or dementia and our marriage could be saved with a correct diagnosis. But what's the chance of both a neurologist (for dementia) and a psychiatrist for the ADHD (who did a full analysis) being wrong?

But how can I be married to a guy who has treated me this badly? Our 16-year old DD wants me to divorce him too. She's sick of the way he treats me (she wasn't home when I went to the hospital because she was with friends but shocked that he didn't even visit me, let alone went out to beers). She's also sick of the way he treats her. He "forgets" things that he's not supposed to share (like her crush's name), forgets to pick her up, and just treats her the way he treats me.

Looking back, I would say that he's always been like this but that it's gotten worse and worse over the years. In the beginning, he was still out-of-sight, out-of-mind but I cannot imagine it being to this extreme where his family member is in the ER with potential appendicitis and he makes plans to go out for beers and seems to completely forget that he is texting that same family member to tell them. It's completely thoughtless.

But maybe he has always been this bad. Maybe it's narcissism but that had been ruled out by our marriage counselor. But maybe he hid it.

Our DD is grown up. If divorce is the answer, which I think it may be, even with any of the 3 As, now is the time for our family. I cannot live like this anymore.

I have thought of the consequences -- losing mutual friends, mutual "places," money, "companionship", and I'm okay with it. I cannot be married to someone who goes out to beers when I'm in the ER. It's completely absurd. And I don't want our DD to think that's the type of marriage she should be in either.

[Anonymous]

“But he was confused and bewildered at his own behavior, clearly upset with guilt and shame that he didn't visit. “

This stands out to me. I’m not medical, but I’d see another specialist if DH is willing. Maybe your gp could point you in the right direction. Was the original neurologist at the forefront of his field?

[Anonymous]

I would have him see a clinical psychologist for a full assessment. Some specialize in ADHD. Their assessments are different from that a medical assessment will be from a psychiatrist or neurologist.

[Anonymous]

Try a full metabolic panel. Check liver function numbers AST and LFT.

[Anonymous]

Op, was he always like this? Since you met him? It does not sound like adhd or dementia to me, but it does sound like a neurological issue. I have my suspicions but it’s hard to say without knowing more.

Does he have very deep intense interests that he spends many hours a week on? Does he have trouble reading people or misunderstand jokes or have an off sense of humor? Is he really thrown off when he doesn’t have his normal routine? Is he sensitive to noise? Does he excel in one or a few areas of his life?

[Anonymous]

I don’t think he sounds like he has a medical issue. I think he sounds like a jerk. My dad is like this. Self absorbed, cannot remember anything about his own wife or kids, etc. While therapy might help my dad be less of a jerk — he doesn’t have ADHD, dementia, etc.

I will say that you also sound somewhat overly dramatic. My mom was like this too. I think it was a reaction to the fact that my dad was a jerk. She put up with ridiculous amounts of insensitive behavior and then totally overreacted to stuff that was minor — instead of addressing the larger issue. She really should have just gotten a divorce. All three of us daughters wanted her to divorce.

It really impacted all three daughters seeing this dynamic with my parents. My sisters and I are not close. We avoid a lot of close contact with our parents because the situation is just so immature and ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

I am really sorry you went through this and I can really see why you're at the end of your rope.

Is there any chance he has what is known as "wet brain" from drinking heavily over the years? Just a thought.

I agree with others that he needs further assessments.
Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Was he really bewildered or just saying so?

Sounds like deeply ingrained people pleasing to me, to the point where he doesn't have his own thoughts. If you stated you're at the ER at 3:00, then from his perspective he had to work because his boss expects it. Nevermind what seems logical to you that the boss would have let him go if he'd explained the situation because he never even got that far because default is it's work time so he's working. It seems inattentive to you to stay at work, but it's the first "should" he thought of.

Then before he leaves work he gets a text from friends with a clear ask to go out at 6:00. Default is yes because they asked him (maybe you didn't explicitly) and he drops all other thoughts and context (i.e., at 6:00 he's otherwise be free to see you) because they have the most recent "demand" and he can't disappoint them.

Back to the bewildered part. After you asked why he didn't come, he "had to" show up and be bewildered because otherwise you'd be (more) upset. Once you're that upset all he can do (I mean in his mind/split second anxiety/people pleasing reaction, not what you or even would do after thinking it all the way through) is jump up and go because now you have the louder "demand" and can't be disappointed.

I would look into the systems in his family of origin to see who he was people pleasing/ peace making with them and try a therapist for anxiety. He might not honestly even know what he wants or thinks if he's been putting it aside his whole life.

[Anonymous]

I am not a clinician, but this doesn’t sound like typical ADHD. Do you think he is on the spectrum?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was he really bewildered or just saying so?

Sounds like deeply ingrained people pleasing to me, to the point where he doesn't have his own thoughts. If you stated you're at the ER at 3:00, then from his perspective he had to work because his boss expects it. Nevermind what seems logical to you that the boss would have let him go if he'd explained the situation because he never even got that far because default is it's work time so he's working. It seems inattentive to you to stay at work, but it's the first "should" he thought of.

Then before he leaves work he gets a text from friends with a clear ask to go out at 6:00. Default is yes because they asked him (maybe you didn't explicitly) and he drops all other thoughts and context (i.e., at 6:00 he's otherwise be free to see you) because they have the most recent "demand" and he can't disappoint them.

Back to the bewildered part. After you asked why he didn't come, he "had to" show up and be bewildered because otherwise you'd be (more) upset. Once you're that upset all he can do (I mean in his mind/split second anxiety/people pleasing reaction, not what you or even would do after thinking it all the way through) is jump up and go because now you have the louder "demand" and can't be disappointed.

I would look into the systems in his family of origin to see who he was people pleasing/ peace making with them and try a therapist for anxiety. He might not honestly even know what he wants or thinks if he's been putting it aside his whole life.

Left out a word. "Not what you or even HE would do"

[Anonymous]

What you described sounds like low eq, not adhd. A neurologist would have detected significant cognitive changes and a psychiatrist would have detected adhd (assuming your husband was frank about his functioning!) if you said these behaviors were entirely out of character it would be more concerning for ftd, however it sounds like he’s been like this generally, if a but worse now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not a clinician, but this doesn’t sound like typical ADHD. Do you think he is on the spectrum?

This. Did they check for asd I, high functioning autism.

Either way, if this is a chronic pattern and he’s never respectful, consider leaving and then leave. Especially if you don’t see any reason to stay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was he really bewildered or just saying so?

Sounds like deeply ingrained people pleasing to me, to the point where he doesn't have his own thoughts. If you stated you're at the ER at 3:00, then from his perspective he had to work because his boss expects it. Nevermind what seems logical to you that the boss would have let him go if he'd explained the situation because he never even got that far because default is it's work time so he's working. It seems inattentive to you to stay at work, but it's the first "should" he thought of.

Then before he leaves work he gets a text from friends with a clear ask to go out at 6:00. Default is yes because they asked him (maybe you didn't explicitly) and he drops all other thoughts and context (i.e., at 6:00 he's otherwise be free to see you) because they have the most recent "demand" and he can't disappoint them.

Back to the bewildered part. After you asked why he didn't come, he "had to" show up and be bewildered because otherwise you'd be (more) upset. Once you're that upset all he can do (I mean in his mind/split second anxiety/people pleasing reaction, not what you or even would do after thinking it all the way through) is jump up and go because now you have the louder "demand" and can't be disappointed.

I would look into the systems in his family of origin to see who he was people pleasing/ peace making with them and try a therapist for anxiety. He might not honestly even know what he wants or thinks if he's been putting it aside his whole life.

What you just described is classic aspergers:
Not having the executive functioning skills to rearrange his day given new developments.
Not understanding social cues so overly relies on inbound emails or calls to “tell him” what to asap. (Always asap, no planning or thought)
Avoiding personal or emotional things, like an injured or hurt family member in the hospital, to do mechanical things like work, tv, movie, beers/game.
Never making his own decisions or taking responsibility, always blaming other “rules” he memorized (finish work, see friends on Friday, take out garbage thurs AM, no matter what!)

[Anonymous]

My DH got diagnosed with dyspraxia and comorbidities of anxiety and depression. He was put on meds and feels better overall. Sometimes he's sleepy por we have to tweak the rx but it's an improvement

[Anonymous]

No. The marriage will not be saved by a diagnosis.