ADHD in husband not found by neurologist/psychiatrist?

[Anonymous]

Chronic alcoholism? Does he have empathy for others in general? Has he aways been this way and now it's worse, or was there a time when he would've dropped everything and come to check on you?

[Anonymous]

Its very strange--I can understand someone being a jerk and/or avoidant (I was once left to get myself to a hospital alone while having an m/c--that relationship died asap) but he confusion over his own behavior is what stands out. Dissociative? Does he drink ?

My spouse has adhd (diagnosed, so does my kid). He forgets to turn off lights, close cabinets, is terrible with bills, paperwork, can't deal with a list longer than 3 items, etc, but he is also laser focused on the issues at hand, and if I were in the hospital he would be there no matter what, pacing the halls, getting updates from the doctor and figuring out child care.

OP if this has been going on a long time and you're not happy in the marriage, maybe there is no 'why'. I would give it some more time to see if there's help available but you also have to face life with this person if they never change/capable of change.

[Anonymous]

My armchair analysis: he wants to be a good guy but has low empathy. So when you texted, he didn't naturally think "oh I know how that feels, I really wanted someone with me in the ER so I should prioritize my DW in the ER." He has enough awareness and caring to feel bad when he stopped and thought about it and realized what he should have done.

[Anonymous]

OP, did he have a full neuropsych evaluation? Sounds to me like he's got a personality disorder (maybe more than one) and maybe some hypomanic behaviors? Still, this is about values and character - knowing to do the right thing. And only you can decide what you're willing to put up with.

I've been struggling with something similar. I've decided the only reason a diagnosis will save a marriage is if the person is able to change the behaviors. The Dx is not an excuse and it doesn't mean you should put up with it.

I think the pandemic might have made some behaviors more obvious because of the time spent together and because the isolation exacerbates negative behaviors. The guardrails of societal expectations and positive peer feedback fell by the wayside during lockdowns.

Also, is your DH on any meds now? The wrong meds can also exacerbate the very things they are intended to treat, if the person's brain chemistry isn't the right match for the drug.

[Anonymous]

Why didn’t you just tell him you wanted him to come visit? I am really confused by your post. None of what you wrote sounds bad at all, just a forgetful person. It’s very childish of you to want him to automatically know what you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not a clinician, but this doesn’t sound like typical ADHD. Do you think he is on the spectrum?

This is ridiculous. My DD is on the spectrum and has very deep empathy and would absolutely be there for me if I were in the ER. Too many people in this forum have zero clue about ASD and yet suggest it as a Dx all the time when they hear a lack of empathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was he really bewildered or just saying so?

Sounds like deeply ingrained people pleasing to me, to the point where he doesn't have his own thoughts. If you stated you're at the ER at 3:00, then from his perspective he had to work because his boss expects it. Nevermind what seems logical to you that the boss would have let him go if he'd explained the situation because he never even got that far because default is it's work time so he's working. It seems inattentive to you to stay at work, but it's the first "should" he thought of.

Then before he leaves work he gets a text from friends with a clear ask to go out at 6:00. Default is yes because they asked him (maybe you didn't explicitly) and he drops all other thoughts and context (i.e., at 6:00 he's otherwise be free to see you) because they have the most recent "demand" and he can't disappoint them.

Back to the bewildered part. After you asked why he didn't come, he "had to" show up and be bewildered because otherwise you'd be (more) upset. Once you're that upset all he can do (I mean in his mind/split second anxiety/people pleasing reaction, not what you or even would do after thinking it all the way through) is jump up and go because now you have the louder "demand" and can't be disappointed.

I would look into the systems in his family of origin to see who he was people pleasing/ peace making with them and try a therapist for anxiety. He might not honestly even know what he wants or thinks if he's been putting it aside his whole life.

What you just described is classic aspergers:
Not having the executive functioning skills to rearrange his day given new developments.
Not understanding social cues so overly relies on inbound emails or calls to “tell him” what to asap. (Always asap, no planning or thought)
Avoiding personal or emotional things, like an injured or hurt family member in the hospital, to do mechanical things like work, tv, movie, beers/game.
Never making his own decisions or taking responsibility, always blaming other “rules” he memorized (finish work, see friends on Friday, take out garbage thurs AM, no matter what!)

Wrong. Following rules would mean your wife is at the hospital and your marriage vows would mean you go to the hospital.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was he really bewildered or just saying so?

Sounds like deeply ingrained people pleasing to me, to the point where he doesn't have his own thoughts. If you stated you're at the ER at 3:00, then from his perspective he had to work because his boss expects it. Nevermind what seems logical to you that the boss would have let him go if he'd explained the situation because he never even got that far because default is it's work time so he's working. It seems inattentive to you to stay at work, but it's the first "should" he thought of.

Then before he leaves work he gets a text from friends with a clear ask to go out at 6:00. Default is yes because they asked him (maybe you didn't explicitly) and he drops all other thoughts and context (i.e., at 6:00 he's otherwise be free to see you) because they have the most recent "demand" and he can't disappoint them.

Back to the bewildered part. After you asked why he didn't come, he "had to" show up and be bewildered because otherwise you'd be (more) upset. Once you're that upset all he can do (I mean in his mind/split second anxiety/people pleasing reaction, not what you or even would do after thinking it all the way through) is jump up and go because now you have the louder "demand" and can't be disappointed.

I would look into the systems in his family of origin to see who he was people pleasing/ peace making with them and try a therapist for anxiety. He might not honestly even know what he wants or thinks if he's been putting it aside his whole life.

What you just described is classic aspergers:
Not having the executive functioning skills to rearrange his day given new developments.
Not understanding social cues so overly relies on inbound emails or calls to “tell him” what to asap. (Always asap, no planning or thought)
Avoiding personal or emotional things, like an injured or hurt family member in the hospital, to do mechanical things like work, tv, movie, beers/game.
Never making his own decisions or taking responsibility, always blaming other “rules” he memorized (finish work, see friends on Friday, take out garbage thurs AM, no matter what!)

Enough with the armchair diagnosis. A man with a normal career and a regular guy’s night out is not on the spectrum. OP is describing some typical male behavior compounded by being a bit self-centered or forgetful, with slower processing speed. Once she explains he gets it right away and feels remorse. If OP were willing to give up her Prince Charming fantasies and just communicate what she wants, a lot of problems would go away. Maybe there’s a lot more she’s not explaining.

Autism is not male self-absorbed behavior. Your husband failing to react in way you want (but don’t actually tell him) is not autism.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you suspect he has some kind of psychological issue, being passive aggressive will not help because he will miss it entirely
When he texted you about going out with friends, just say "No, I need you to come to the ER." Don't just go silent and expect him to realize you are upset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My armchair analysis: he wants to be a good guy but has low empathy. So when you texted, he didn't naturally think "oh I know how that feels, I really wanted someone with me in the ER so I should prioritize my DW in the ER." He has enough awareness and caring to feel bad when he stopped and thought about it and realized what he should have done.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you suspect he has some kind of psychological issue, being passive aggressive will not help because he will miss it entirely
When he texted you about going out with friends, just say "No, I need you to come to the ER." Don't just go silent and expect him to realize you are upset.

Nobody should have to explicitly tell a spouse or family member that they should be with them at the ER. This is about societal norms and expectations, which get conveniently ignored by people who are selfish/self-centered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you suspect he has some kind of psychological issue, being passive aggressive will not help because he will miss it entirely
When he texted you about going out with friends, just say "No, I need you to come to the ER." Don't just go silent and expect him to realize you are upset.

Nobody should have to explicitly tell a spouse or family member that they should be with them at the ER. This is about societal norms and expectations, which get conveniently ignored by people who are selfish/self-centered.

I don’t want anyone with me at the ER. It’s just a bunch of waiting, why should someone else have to wait too? Plus, it is very easy to update someone by text. But I understand why OP would want that. Her husband is self absorbed. People get like that as they get older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you suspect he has some kind of psychological issue, being passive aggressive will not help because he will miss it entirely
When he texted you about going out with friends, just say "No, I need you to come to the ER." Don't just go silent and expect him to realize you are upset.

Nobody should have to explicitly tell a spouse or family member that they should be with them at the ER. This is about societal norms and expectations, which get conveniently ignored by people who are selfish/self-centered.

Well, many hospitals still have Covid rules in place. If you are an adult who does not need a support person, they may not allow your family member in. So, no, I would not assume they can come in and wait with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you suspect he has some kind of psychological issue, being passive aggressive will not help because he will miss it entirely
When he texted you about going out with friends, just say "No, I need you to come to the ER." Don't just go silent and expect him to realize you are upset.

+1 maybe it won't help to be direct, but you'll never know if you don't try. "Would you cancel with the guys and come to the hospital? I'm really feeling like I need some support while I'm in the ER."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was he really bewildered or just saying so?

Sounds like deeply ingrained people pleasing to me, to the point where he doesn't have his own thoughts. If you stated you're at the ER at 3:00, then from his perspective he had to work because his boss expects it. Nevermind what seems logical to you that the boss would have let him go if he'd explained the situation because he never even got that far because default is it's work time so he's working. It seems inattentive to you to stay at work, but it's the first "should" he thought of.

Then before he leaves work he gets a text from friends with a clear ask to go out at 6:00. Default is yes because they asked him (maybe you didn't explicitly) and he drops all other thoughts and context (i.e., at 6:00 he's otherwise be free to see you) because they have the most recent "demand" and he can't disappoint them.

Back to the bewildered part. After you asked why he didn't come, he "had to" show up and be bewildered because otherwise you'd be (more) upset. Once you're that upset all he can do (I mean in his mind/split second anxiety/people pleasing reaction, not what you or even would do after thinking it all the way through) is jump up and go because now you have the louder "demand" and can't be disappointed.

I would look into the systems in his family of origin to see who he was people pleasing/ peace making with them and try a therapist for anxiety. He might not honestly even know what he wants or thinks if he's been putting it aside his whole life.

What you just described is classic aspergers:
Not having the executive functioning skills to rearrange his day given new developments.
Not understanding social cues so overly relies on inbound emails or calls to “tell him” what to asap. (Always asap, no planning or thought)
Avoiding personal or emotional things, like an injured or hurt family member in the hospital, to do mechanical things like work, tv, movie, beers/game.
Never making his own decisions or taking responsibility, always blaming other “rules” he memorized (finish work, see friends on Friday, take out garbage thurs AM, no matter what!)

Wrong. Following rules would mean your wife is at the hospital and your marriage vows would mean you go to the hospital.

Who told him that SpECIFIC rule? He’s not going to out 2+2 together like someone neurotypical or with common sense.
The only way he’d know what to do is if he was explicitly told or if he had already lived and done the same thing.
It’s why these types shutdown in new situations and emergencies. Or throw out some “ rule” whilst doing things totally backwards and rude. Don’t know when to do what. Or when to apply what rule. Or the rules start conflicting