Reply to How to help kids not date/marry people who trash talk their folks

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My mom once told me to try to avoid marrying someone who doesn't get along with his family. She said either that person is right and you'd be marrying into a family with difficult people OR the person you are dating is the difficult person. Either way it's bad news.

It was pretty good advice![/quote]

+100 People on DCUM who are practically crowing about how they are estranged from family, or worse, encourage others to become estranged, don't realize that they are announcing that they are damaged goods. I hope my kids avoid those people, too.[/quote]

You’re lucky to come from such privilege. Not all of us are so fortunate. I guess we did a crap job of choosing which family to be born into and we deserve what we got, or something like that. As much as I resent you calling me damaged goods for having the bad luck of being born into a poor, abusive family, I don’t wish you ill or even wish that you learn from experience how the negative actions of your family can affect you even though you have no control of them, especially during childhood. I do hope you find more empathy though. Maybe someday someone close to you can share how they rose above adversity and you’ll realize that escaping cycles of abuse, poverty, or addiction is a good thing, not a bad thing. [/quote]

You are describing me. What I don't do is brag about how horrible my family was, and urge others on DCUM to see themselves as victims and to dwell on every bad thing about their relatives. Funny thing is, those people have ZERO empathy for their big, bad relatives -- they happily "grey rock" and shut them out, and tell others on DCUM to do the same. That's the exact opposite of empathy.[/quote]

When the choices are protect yourself by escaping or continuing to suffer abuse and expose your children to unhealthy cycles, sometimes that’s what you must do, especially when untreated mental illness is involved. Sharing your experience, especially with people in similar situations seeking advice, is far from bragging.

I empathize with my mother, and appreciate that she was less abusive than her parents, but I’m not going to keep going back for more and worsen my own anxiety and depression. When my anxiety and depression are severe, I have to take resources away from my family to focus on healing myself and getting back to functional. When my children see my mother say cruel things and I agree or say little to contradict her so I can avoid conflict, or when they watch her lie or stir up drama and I dismiss it and continue to allow it, that sends them the wrong message. I broke the cycle the cleanest and healthiest way I know how, after using all the tools at my disposal trying to save the relationship. Not every relationship is worth salvaging. Sometimes we have to grow up and learn that if we keep touching the hot stove, we’re going to keep getting burned, so we either stop touching the hot stove and let our kids see that we made a healthy choice instead of telling them it’s okay or even desirable to keep burning ourselves for love.

I’ve never told someone to cut off a family member, but I’ve shared my experiences when other people are facing similar problems. Again, not bragging, just offering my story so people know they’re not alone and if they choose this path, it’s not all rainbows and butterflies but it’s also not all sadness and isolation either. Abusers like to blame and isolate, so it’s helpful to know you’re not alone, whether you stay or go.

And you’re not damaged goods for growing up in an unhealthy home. You’re a person who had struggles and has to work harder to get to catch up to people in healthy environments. You’re deserving of love and a good life, and it’s possible to provide stability for your children. You just have more steps to get there. [/quote]

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