Why does everyone always ask where your kids go to college??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whenever you meet new people or talk about your kids being college age, inevitably the person needs to know where they go to school.
Do we all feed into this and then get judged (or appreciated) depending on where they go?

I find myself doing it, and it’s asked of me all the time.

No wonder rankings have become so “important”

1) Because they are trying to be polite and get a conversation going. But in reality, they don't care, they are just trying to be polite.
2) They are trying to figure out where to send their kid and are looking for advice from someone seasoned.
3) They care about your kid.
4) They think your kid is special and want to know where they end up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:its an easy conversation

People are hoping it will trigger subsequent conversation (e.g., my brother went there, I used to live nearby, I almost went there—whatever). It also tells them where the kid is geographically.

You sound defensive if this bothers you.

This. They assume it's important to them and you, and it's the kind of thing that can spark further conversation. Maybe they went there, know someone who went there, just visited that town, just hired someone from there, what's their major, how do they like it, etc.

[Anonymous]

It’s not that deep OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are just makiing conversation, showing an interest. It is polite. They do not care if you say Harvard or NOVA. They will also not remember 10 minutes later.

+1. It is like asking where you are from, what you do, how's the weather. None of this is offensive. It's small talk, and more of a get-to-know-you. I have no idea how any of these questions turned into alleged micro aggressions but here we are. Should we just stop talking to one another? Only post in anonymous forums?

We've actually made quite a few friends in the area by asking other parents where they are from and what they do. We've found commonalities that have led to years' long friendships. Conversation is how humans connect, OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whenever you meet new people or talk about your kids being college age, inevitably the person needs to know where they go to school.
Do we all feed into this and then get judged (or appreciated) depending on where they go?

I find myself doing it, and it’s asked of me all the time.

No wonder rankings have become so “important”

It's a natural question, like what do you do. I also ask mothers of toddlers where their kids go to preschool and I have no value judgment about their response.

Sorry, really disagree with your post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whenever you meet new people or talk about your kids being college age, inevitably the person needs to know where they go to school.
Do we all feed into this and then get judged (or appreciated) depending on where they go?

I find myself doing it, and it’s asked of me all the time.

No wonder rankings have become so “important”

I'm not asking so I can judge you. I'm asking because I want to get to know you, and your kids are part of your life.

I don't care if you answer Montgomery College or Harvard.

So you ask “where is x in college” and they say they don’t go to college they wait tables or they are work retail, and you think it’s still okay to say “where do they go to college”

A few months ago, I was at a kids' sporting event and I was making conversation with another mom and she mentioned her sons were out of HS. A little bit later in the convo I said, oh are they away at college? I was asking to be polite and take an interest, and I guess just figure out how many she still has at home. She said, oh they're in the trades, but yes they're college age. And then I asked about their jobs. I felt so bad that I said it like that. But she was a completely normal person and did not make me feel bad at all and we continued with our pleasant convo. I agree, you shouldn't make the assumption about college, but when 90% of the 18 year olds you know are going to college, you forget at times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a way of assessing you, obviously. When I meet other people from the UK they often want to know where I went to university and even where I went to school, prior to university. So they can make all those value judgments that really tell them zero about the person they're talking to. So dull.

As if they can't tell by how you speak. GMAFB.

Yes, that is also something they are judging. Just like you are now. Well done. A+ for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whenever you meet new people or talk about your kids being college age, inevitably the person needs to know where they go to school.
Do we all feed into this and then get judged (or appreciated) depending on where they go?

I find myself doing it, and it’s asked of me all the time.

No wonder rankings have become so “important”

People are just making small talk, they don't know about other person's insecurity about school rankings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I ask major

People can feel insecure that you'll judge if they said Comp Sci or sociology.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whenever you meet new people or talk about your kids being college age, inevitably the person needs to know where they go to school.
Do we all feed into this and then get judged (or appreciated) depending on where they go?

I find myself doing it, and it’s asked of me all the time.

No wonder rankings have become so “important”

I'm not asking so I can judge you. I'm asking because I want to get to know you, and your kids are part of your life.

I don't care if you answer Montgomery College or Harvard.

So you ask “where is x in college” and they say they don’t go to college they wait tables or they are work retail, and you think it’s still okay to say “where do they go to college”

A few months ago, I was at a kids' sporting event and I was making conversation with another mom and she mentioned her sons were out of HS. A little bit later in the convo I said, oh are they away at college? I was asking to be polite and take an interest, and I guess just figure out how many she still has at home. She said, oh they're in the trades, but yes they're college age. And then I asked about their jobs. I felt so bad that I said it like that. But she was a completely normal person and did not make me feel bad at all and we continued with our pleasant convo. I agree, you shouldn't make the assumption about college, but when 90% of the 18 year olds you know are going to college, you forget at times.

This is why most acquaintances begin with "So what are they up to these days?" or something like that. And then usually the parent says "they are at x school" but sometimes they answer "off at college" or another answer like they are in the trades, or military or whatever. When someone answers "off at college" without the name I figure they might have some reason they don't like to talk about where so I don't ask and just move on to something else, or ask something generic and benign like "How's that going?" which they can answer in a generic way about their kid, about how it's going for them as a parent, or shut it down with "great." I figure a parent who doesn't give specifics about where unprompted shouldn't be asked for specifics. It could be because it's an elite school and they don't want to seem like they are bragging or be pumped for information. It could because they have a general philosophy of letting their children choose whether or not to share their own information. It could be because there's a long-winded story about why they went to this school that they are tired of telling but the fact that it's an unusual place always prompts people to ask. Who knows?

[Anonymous]

If you've kids who went to top schools or working at top companies, no matter how much you play it down, it'll be seen as bragging if theirs didn't.

[Anonymous]

Its as intrusive as asking someone about their job, not everyone has a job, a good job or want to talk about their job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whenever you meet new people or talk about your kids being college age, inevitably the person needs to know where they go to school.
Do we all feed into this and then get judged (or appreciated) depending on where they go?

I find myself doing it, and it’s asked of me all the time.

No wonder rankings have become so “important”

I'm not asking so I can judge you. I'm asking because I want to get to know you, and your kids are part of your life.

I don't care if you answer Montgomery College or Harvard.

So you ask “where is x in college” and they say they don’t go to college they wait tables or they are work retail, and you think it’s still okay to say “where do they go to college”

A few months ago, I was at a kids' sporting event and I was making conversation with another mom and she mentioned her sons were out of HS. A little bit later in the convo I said, oh are they away at college? I was asking to be polite and take an interest, and I guess just figure out how many she still has at home. She said, oh they're in the trades, but yes they're college age. And then I asked about their jobs. I felt so bad that I said it like that. But she was a completely normal person and did not make me feel bad at all and we continued with our pleasant convo. I agree, you shouldn't make the assumption about college, but when 90% of the 18 year olds you know are going to college, you forget at times.

This is a wake up call that you live in a bubble. I hope that you make an effort to broaden your world view, and especially that of your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because you spent the last 10 years bragging about little Timmys school and classes and extracurriculars? What was s/he working on if not admittance to a good institution?

Hopefully there was sarcasm in your statement. What they're working on is developing the skills they need to contribute to and participate in society in a meaningful manner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I ask major

People can feel insecure that you'll judge if they said Comp Sci or sociology.

Why? One of those is not superior to the other.