Sister is irate with me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with 2:46. You are taking care of your mom, she is on vacation and irate with you for trying to do a good job which at that moment involves texting her. And YOU are now anxious because she's mad at you.

This is not a good dynamic, OP. You can maintain a good relationship with her and still not let her walk all over you. I know because I used to be a doormat. I got a therapist for something else, and we ended up on this topic, and my therapist would literally give me the words to text, because I had ZERO training on how to establish or keep boundaries. It did not take long for me to learn, but I needed someone to teach me (at 54 years old) that there is something in between saying nothing and going nuclear.

I don’t consider myself a doormat. This is out of the ordinary for her. I have empathy because she and her family live with my mom so she truly hasn’t gotten a break until this week. I can understand her frustration. I agree with previous posters who said this wasn’t really about me, just the situation.

This is huge. You need to apologize profusely, and you need to not bother her for the rest of the time she is away. Her children are watching their grandmother die, have very little in the way of happy family memories of this time, and you want their mother to pay attention to you?

This is a pretty cruel comment. It hurt, I’m not sure if that was your goal.

I didn’t text her because I wanted her attention on me. I texted her because I couldn’t find the Zofran and my mother was so violently sick I was afraid we’d end up on a trip to the ER. I needed her to hold down some food and water so she could take her daily medicine.

And my heart is with my nieces and nephews who are watching their beloved Grandmother die. The same way they were when my kids were young and watched their grandfather die and the same way my heart hurts for my older kids and they also watch their grandmother die. This isn’t easy for anyone. I truly hope you never have to experience this.

She didn’t respond to your text for several hours— did you take your mom to the ER?

If you do not live with your mother at least part time, you do not split the care 50/50. If you are genuinely there 50/50 you know where the medicine is kept. When your mother needs something late at night it is your sister’s responsibility. If her children see their grandmother violently ill it is on her to manage. It’s nice that you “feel for” your young nieces but you couldn’t give them a day with their mother?

I was the kid in this situation. My grandmother lived with us until her death. Very occasionally my aunt would give respite care and my mother and father moved mountains to give us the happy memories of childhood that weren’t overshadowed by someone slowly, painfully, dying. This is incredibly hard on a seven year old.

And whenever something in the least bit out of the way came up, instead of managing it, my aunt called my mother, and my mother left her children playing in the sand/going on a ride/seeing their first ballet to go and manage whatever my aunt decided wasn’t her job.

This is a very good question. OP doesn’t mention a trip to the ER actually happened, so it seems unlikely. In which case the whole song and dance about how she was so violently ill she needed the Zofran right now to avoid a trip to the hospital but the zofran was no where to be found falls apart a bit.

The whole thing raises a reasonable question about whether some part of OP was resentful that she had to pick up the caregiving her sister usually does for a few days and the text was a passive-aggressive way of expressing that.

Wow, how about just backing off OP. She is stressed and dealing with a very difficult situation. I can not believe you guys are jumping on her.

There are so many people who have sick/disabled parents, do the bulk of the caregiving, and have a sibling who “helps”. OP has a whole production about how this was so bad for **her** but gives no thought to the person who has it worse.

I think we have a couple of bullies (or maybe one person disguised as two) in this thread, who is intent on beating down on OP no matter what.

It's really pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with 2:46. You are taking care of your mom, she is on vacation and irate with you for trying to do a good job which at that moment involves texting her. And YOU are now anxious because she's mad at you.

This is not a good dynamic, OP. You can maintain a good relationship with her and still not let her walk all over you. I know because I used to be a doormat. I got a therapist for something else, and we ended up on this topic, and my therapist would literally give me the words to text, because I had ZERO training on how to establish or keep boundaries. It did not take long for me to learn, but I needed someone to teach me (at 54 years old) that there is something in between saying nothing and going nuclear.

I don’t consider myself a doormat. This is out of the ordinary for her. I have empathy because she and her family live with my mom so she truly hasn’t gotten a break until this week. I can understand her frustration. I agree with previous posters who said this wasn’t really about me, just the situation.

This is huge. You need to apologize profusely, and you need to not bother her for the rest of the time she is away. Her children are watching their grandmother die, have very little in the way of happy family memories of this time, and you want their mother to pay attention to you?

This is a pretty cruel comment. It hurt, I’m not sure if that was your goal.

I didn’t text her because I wanted her attention on me. I texted her because I couldn’t find the Zofran and my mother was so violently sick I was afraid we’d end up on a trip to the ER. I needed her to hold down some food and water so she could take her daily medicine.

And my heart is with my nieces and nephews who are watching their beloved Grandmother die. The same way they were when my kids were young and watched their grandfather die and the same way my heart hurts for my older kids and they also watch their grandmother die. This isn’t easy for anyone. I truly hope you never have to experience this.

She didn’t respond to your text for several hours— did you take your mom to the ER?

If you do not live with your mother at least part time, you do not split the care 50/50. If you are genuinely there 50/50 you know where the medicine is kept. When your mother needs something late at night it is your sister’s responsibility. If her children see their grandmother violently ill it is on her to manage. It’s nice that you “feel for” your young nieces but you couldn’t give them a day with their mother?

I was the kid in this situation. My grandmother lived with us until her death. Very occasionally my aunt would give respite care and my mother and father moved mountains to give us the happy memories of childhood that weren’t overshadowed by someone slowly, painfully, dying. This is incredibly hard on a seven year old.

And whenever something in the least bit out of the way came up, instead of managing it, my aunt called my mother, and my mother left her children playing in the sand/going on a ride/seeing their first ballet to go and manage whatever my aunt decided wasn’t her job.

This is a very good question. OP doesn’t mention a trip to the ER actually happened, so it seems unlikely. In which case the whole song and dance about how she was so violently ill she needed the Zofran right now to avoid a trip to the hospital but the zofran was no where to be found falls apart a bit.

The whole thing raises a reasonable question about whether some part of OP was resentful that she had to pick up the caregiving her sister usually does for a few days and the text was a passive-aggressive way of expressing that.

Wow, how about just backing off OP. She is stressed and dealing with a very difficult situation. I can not believe you guys are jumping on her.

There are so many people who have sick/disabled parents, do the bulk of the caregiving, and have a sibling who “helps”. OP has a whole production about how this was so bad for **her** but gives no thought to the person who has it worse.

I think we have a couple of bullies (or maybe one person disguised as two) in this thread, who is intent on beating down on OP no matter what.

It's really pathetic.

I am one poster, the one whose grandmother died in my childhood home. There is at least one other poster and possibly more who have probably lived similar experiences.

It is not bullying to interrogate the reality of a situation like this when someone clearly is seeking attention and sympathy. Her sister called her selfish— her sister has known her a lot longer than we have. OP only later mentioned that her sister is her mothers live-in care, her early post said they “shared care with the help of a nurse.” OP is a not a particularly reliable narrator— very few of us are about our own lives— and if she’s going to actually try to make this better she has to see the perspective and experience of the other person, which is one she seems incredibly disinterested in. Even the fact that her sister is upset is turned around to be about her and her inability to sleep, as though that is the most important part of the story and not why her sister is upset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with 2:46. You are taking care of your mom, she is on vacation and irate with you for trying to do a good job which at that moment involves texting her. And YOU are now anxious because she's mad at you.

This is not a good dynamic, OP. You can maintain a good relationship with her and still not let her walk all over you. I know because I used to be a doormat. I got a therapist for something else, and we ended up on this topic, and my therapist would literally give me the words to text, because I had ZERO training on how to establish or keep boundaries. It did not take long for me to learn, but I needed someone to teach me (at 54 years old) that there is something in between saying nothing and going nuclear.

I don’t consider myself a doormat. This is out of the ordinary for her. I have empathy because she and her family live with my mom so she truly hasn’t gotten a break until this week. I can understand her frustration. I agree with previous posters who said this wasn’t really about me, just the situation.

This is huge. You need to apologize profusely, and you need to not bother her for the rest of the time she is away. Her children are watching their grandmother die, have very little in the way of happy family memories of this time, and you want their mother to pay attention to you?

This is a pretty cruel comment. It hurt, I’m not sure if that was your goal.

I didn’t text her because I wanted her attention on me. I texted her because I couldn’t find the Zofran and my mother was so violently sick I was afraid we’d end up on a trip to the ER. I needed her to hold down some food and water so she could take her daily medicine.

And my heart is with my nieces and nephews who are watching their beloved Grandmother die. The same way they were when my kids were young and watched their grandfather die and the same way my heart hurts for my older kids and they also watch their grandmother die. This isn’t easy for anyone. I truly hope you never have to experience this.

She didn’t respond to your text for several hours— did you take your mom to the ER?

If you do not live with your mother at least part time, you do not split the care 50/50. If you are genuinely there 50/50 you know where the medicine is kept. When your mother needs something late at night it is your sister’s responsibility. If her children see their grandmother violently ill it is on her to manage. It’s nice that you “feel for” your young nieces but you couldn’t give them a day with their mother?

I was the kid in this situation. My grandmother lived with us until her death. Very occasionally my aunt would give respite care and my mother and father moved mountains to give us the happy memories of childhood that weren’t overshadowed by someone slowly, painfully, dying. This is incredibly hard on a seven year old.

And whenever something in the least bit out of the way came up, instead of managing it, my aunt called my mother, and my mother left her children playing in the sand/going on a ride/seeing their first ballet to go and manage whatever my aunt decided wasn’t her job.

This is a very good question. OP doesn’t mention a trip to the ER actually happened, so it seems unlikely. In which case the whole song and dance about how she was so violently ill she needed the Zofran right now to avoid a trip to the hospital but the zofran was no where to be found falls apart a bit.

The whole thing raises a reasonable question about whether some part of OP was resentful that she had to pick up the caregiving her sister usually does for a few days and the text was a passive-aggressive way of expressing that.

Wow, how about just backing off OP. She is stressed and dealing with a very difficult situation. I can not believe you guys are jumping on her.

There are so many people who have sick/disabled parents, do the bulk of the caregiving, and have a sibling who “helps”. OP has a whole production about how this was so bad for **her** but gives no thought to the person who has it worse.

I think we have a couple of bullies (or maybe one person disguised as two) in this thread, who is intent on beating down on OP no matter what.

It's really pathetic.

I am one poster, the one whose grandmother died in my childhood home. There is at least one other poster and possibly more who have probably lived similar experiences.

It is not bullying to interrogate the reality of a situation like this when someone clearly is seeking attention and sympathy. Her sister called her selfish— her sister has known her a lot longer than we have. OP only later mentioned that her sister is her mothers live-in care, her early post said they “shared care with the help of a nurse.” OP is a not a particularly reliable narrator— very few of us are about our own lives— and if she’s going to actually try to make this better she has to see the perspective and experience of the other person, which is one she seems incredibly disinterested in. Even the fact that her sister is upset is turned around to be about her and her inability to sleep, as though that is the most important part of the story and not why her sister is upset.

OP says “I could have looked harder” and “I don’t blame her”. She knows. She also writes “I apologized.” Unfortunately it is what it is, her sister is angry. Beyond offering a sincere apology which OP did, the only thing left to do is not beat yourself up over it and give the sister some space. This is an incredibly trying time for the both of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Irate”. Her choice of words.

We are all incredibly stressed. My mom is dying of cancer. My sister & I have both been caring for her the past 8 months. Sister is at Disney World with her family and I texted her asking about the location of a specific medication. Sister didn’t respond for hours and finally did with the answer. I said thank you and moved on. This morning she texted me that she was irate with me because I interrupted her family vacation to ask about the medication and it took her out of her bliss. I apologized but she got a long winded message about how I was being selfish. Trying not to take it personally because I know she’s been having a really hard time. My Mom probably won’t make it till Christmas and we all feel despair. My sister is a highly sensitive person as well. This is my second rodeo caring for a dying parent as I was around her age when our father passed of the same cancer and she was still a teen and we didn’t put the burden on her obviously. Now she has young children, and I know from experience balancing a dying parent with little kids is overwhelming. I don’t blame her for being angry about the text. I could have looked harder, but I was in a panic and didn’t think. I just feel like I can’t sleep knowing she’s angry with me. This sucks.

"Sorry you feel that way. I know you're stressed. So am I. But you are not going to speak to me like that." Then move on.
If she had any thoughtfulness, she'd apologize. If not, ignore this once and move on. But, establish the boundary.

Sorry, she doesn't get a pass to be an a-hole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with 2:46. You are taking care of your mom, she is on vacation and irate with you for trying to do a good job which at that moment involves texting her. And YOU are now anxious because she's mad at you.

This is not a good dynamic, OP. You can maintain a good relationship with her and still not let her walk all over you. I know because I used to be a doormat. I got a therapist for something else, and we ended up on this topic, and my therapist would literally give me the words to text, because I had ZERO training on how to establish or keep boundaries. It did not take long for me to learn, but I needed someone to teach me (at 54 years old) that there is something in between saying nothing and going nuclear.

I don’t consider myself a doormat. This is out of the ordinary for her. I have empathy because she and her family live with my mom so she truly hasn’t gotten a break until this week. I can understand her frustration. I agree with previous posters who said this wasn’t really about me, just the situation.

This is huge. You need to apologize profusely, and you need to not bother her for the rest of the time she is away. Her children are watching their grandmother die, have very little in the way of happy family memories of this time, and you want their mother to pay attention to you?

This is a pretty cruel comment. It hurt, I’m not sure if that was your goal.

I didn’t text her because I wanted her attention on me. I texted her because I couldn’t find the Zofran and my mother was so violently sick I was afraid we’d end up on a trip to the ER. I needed her to hold down some food and water so she could take her daily medicine.

And my heart is with my nieces and nephews who are watching their beloved Grandmother die. The same way they were when my kids were young and watched their grandfather die and the same way my heart hurts for my older kids and they also watch their grandmother die. This isn’t easy for anyone. I truly hope you never have to experience this.

She didn’t respond to your text for several hours— did you take your mom to the ER?

If you do not live with your mother at least part time, you do not split the care 50/50. If you are genuinely there 50/50 you know where the medicine is kept. When your mother needs something late at night it is your sister’s responsibility. If her children see their grandmother violently ill it is on her to manage. It’s nice that you “feel for” your young nieces but you couldn’t give them a day with their mother?

I was the kid in this situation. My grandmother lived with us until her death. Very occasionally my aunt would give respite care and my mother and father moved mountains to give us the happy memories of childhood that weren’t overshadowed by someone slowly, painfully, dying. This is incredibly hard on a seven year old.

And whenever something in the least bit out of the way came up, instead of managing it, my aunt called my mother, and my mother left her children playing in the sand/going on a ride/seeing their first ballet to go and manage whatever my aunt decided wasn’t her job.

This is a very good question. OP doesn’t mention a trip to the ER actually happened, so it seems unlikely. In which case the whole song and dance about how she was so violently ill she needed the Zofran right now to avoid a trip to the hospital but the zofran was no where to be found falls apart a bit.

The whole thing raises a reasonable question about whether some part of OP was resentful that she had to pick up the caregiving her sister usually does for a few days and the text was a passive-aggressive way of expressing that.

Wow, how about just backing off OP. She is stressed and dealing with a very difficult situation. I can not believe you guys are jumping on her.

There are so many people who have sick/disabled parents, do the bulk of the caregiving, and have a sibling who “helps”. OP has a whole production about how this was so bad for **her** but gives no thought to the person who has it worse.

I think we have a couple of bullies (or maybe one person disguised as two) in this thread, who is intent on beating down on OP no matter what.

It's really pathetic.

I am one poster, the one whose grandmother died in my childhood home. There is at least one other poster and possibly more who have probably lived similar experiences.

It is not bullying to interrogate the reality of a situation like this when someone clearly is seeking attention and sympathy. Her sister called her selfish— her sister has known her a lot longer than we have. OP only later mentioned that her sister is her mothers live-in care, her early post said they “shared care with the help of a nurse.” OP is a not a particularly reliable narrator— very few of us are about our own lives— and if she’s going to actually try to make this better she has to see the perspective and experience of the other person, which is one she seems incredibly disinterested in. Even the fact that her sister is upset is turned around to be about her and her inability to sleep, as though that is the most important part of the story and not why her sister is upset.

OP says “I could have looked harder” and “I don’t blame her”. She knows. She also writes “I apologized.” Unfortunately it is what it is, her sister is angry. Beyond offering a sincere apology which OP did, the only thing left to do is not beat yourself up over it and give the sister some space. This is an incredibly trying time for the both of them.

I do not take this as read. All the OP says is “I apologized”. If her apology looks like the OP did (about how she did all the work when their father had cancer (and her sister was a child.) etc. than her sister likely doesn’t think it was a sincere apology. If she did, she probably wouldn’t have responded to say that OP was behaving selfishly.

OP could try a real sincere apology: no excuses, taking ownership, recognizing that she was wrong. I have not seen her do that here but perhaps she will if her relationship with her sister actually matters to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with 2:46. You are taking care of your mom, she is on vacation and irate with you for trying to do a good job which at that moment involves texting her. And YOU are now anxious because she's mad at you.

This is not a good dynamic, OP. You can maintain a good relationship with her and still not let her walk all over you. I know because I used to be a doormat. I got a therapist for something else, and we ended up on this topic, and my therapist would literally give me the words to text, because I had ZERO training on how to establish or keep boundaries. It did not take long for me to learn, but I needed someone to teach me (at 54 years old) that there is something in between saying nothing and going nuclear.

I don’t consider myself a doormat. This is out of the ordinary for her. I have empathy because she and her family live with my mom so she truly hasn’t gotten a break until this week. I can understand her frustration. I agree with previous posters who said this wasn’t really about me, just the situation.

This is huge. You need to apologize profusely, and you need to not bother her for the rest of the time she is away. Her children are watching their grandmother die, have very little in the way of happy family memories of this time, and you want their mother to pay attention to you?

This is a pretty cruel comment. It hurt, I’m not sure if that was your goal.

I didn’t text her because I wanted her attention on me. I texted her because I couldn’t find the Zofran and my mother was so violently sick I was afraid we’d end up on a trip to the ER. I needed her to hold down some food and water so she could take her daily medicine.

And my heart is with my nieces and nephews who are watching their beloved Grandmother die. The same way they were when my kids were young and watched their grandfather die and the same way my heart hurts for my older kids and they also watch their grandmother die. This isn’t easy for anyone. I truly hope you never have to experience this.

She didn’t respond to your text for several hours— did you take your mom to the ER?

If you do not live with your mother at least part time, you do not split the care 50/50. If you are genuinely there 50/50 you know where the medicine is kept. When your mother needs something late at night it is your sister’s responsibility. If her children see their grandmother violently ill it is on her to manage. It’s nice that you “feel for” your young nieces but you couldn’t give them a day with their mother?

I was the kid in this situation. My grandmother lived with us until her death. Very occasionally my aunt would give respite care and my mother and father moved mountains to give us the happy memories of childhood that weren’t overshadowed by someone slowly, painfully, dying. This is incredibly hard on a seven year old.

And whenever something in the least bit out of the way came up, instead of managing it, my aunt called my mother, and my mother left her children playing in the sand/going on a ride/seeing their first ballet to go and manage whatever my aunt decided wasn’t her job.

- My intent wasn’t to rob my nieces and nephews of more than a minute of their mothers time. I usually know where all her meds are but my Mother was was much sicker than normal so we ended up using the remainder of her bedside medications for nausea. I knew there were back ups but did not know exactly where. I called in for a refill but this takes time. I did look in places I thought the meds could be before texting. My sister and her family have their own separate part of the house and didn’t want to dig through their personal items searching for where the meds might be. I did not end up finding them until my sister responded but thankfully my mother was able to settle. And yes, I should have made sure I knew were all medication and back up medication wa a before she left. I am not blameless.

I am sincerely sorry about your experiences with your aunt. I can’t imagine how difficult that was as a child. But I assure you I am not leaving my sister to deal with my sick mother alone. I am here daily and spend many nights here as well. I wouldn’t say it’s abnormal for me to spend more time here than at my own home. I am only one person and I’m trying my very best to make everyone happy and do best by my mother, my sister and my own children. It is not easy working full time, caring for a dying parent all while caring for my own two teen children. I constantly feel like I am failing somewhere. I am trying my best, but sometimes that is not good enough and someone is hurt. This time it was my sister and I am truly sorry.

[Anonymous]

I've been the sister. My parents lived near me while my brother lives across the country. Brother did the best he could, and I did the best I could, which was the majority of caregiving with both parents dying from cancer within a 3 year span. My kids were small and there were other stressers as well, so I know how hard things could get in this situation.

I would never respond to my sibling's question about the location of a medicine the way OP's sister did. Maybe she's just more fragile, and that's ok. Most ppl, as well as OP, chose to give the sister some grace, and we also recognize that OP needs grace too. It's really the few rabid pps who're intent on painting the OP as a villain. I wish they would heal from whatever trauma they had in their lives, but it does not excuse their internet bullying behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s angry with the situation, not with you. She will enjoy her vacation. Don’t worry, OP. And I’m so sorry about your mother. It’s so hard to go through that.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with 2:46. You are taking care of your mom, she is on vacation and irate with you for trying to do a good job which at that moment involves texting her. And YOU are now anxious because she's mad at you.

This is not a good dynamic, OP. You can maintain a good relationship with her and still not let her walk all over you. I know because I used to be a doormat. I got a therapist for something else, and we ended up on this topic, and my therapist would literally give me the words to text, because I had ZERO training on how to establish or keep boundaries. It did not take long for me to learn, but I needed someone to teach me (at 54 years old) that there is something in between saying nothing and going nuclear.

I don’t consider myself a doormat. This is out of the ordinary for her. I have empathy because she and her family live with my mom so she truly hasn’t gotten a break until this week. I can understand her frustration. I agree with previous posters who said this wasn’t really about me, just the situation.

This is huge. You need to apologize profusely, and you need to not bother her for the rest of the time she is away. Her children are watching their grandmother die, have very little in the way of happy family memories of this time, and you want their mother to pay attention to you?

This is a pretty cruel comment. It hurt, I’m not sure if that was your goal.

I didn’t text her because I wanted her attention on me. I texted her because I couldn’t find the Zofran and my mother was so violently sick I was afraid we’d end up on a trip to the ER. I needed her to hold down some food and water so she could take her daily medicine.

And my heart is with my nieces and nephews who are watching their beloved Grandmother die. The same way they were when my kids were young and watched their grandfather die and the same way my heart hurts for my older kids and they also watch their grandmother die. This isn’t easy for anyone. I truly hope you never have to experience this.

She didn’t respond to your text for several hours— did you take your mom to the ER?

If you do not live with your mother at least part time, you do not split the care 50/50. If you are genuinely there 50/50 you know where the medicine is kept. When your mother needs something late at night it is your sister’s responsibility. If her children see their grandmother violently ill it is on her to manage. It’s nice that you “feel for” your young nieces but you couldn’t give them a day with their mother?

I was the kid in this situation. My grandmother lived with us until her death. Very occasionally my aunt would give respite care and my mother and father moved mountains to give us the happy memories of childhood that weren’t overshadowed by someone slowly, painfully, dying. This is incredibly hard on a seven year old.

And whenever something in the least bit out of the way came up, instead of managing it, my aunt called my mother, and my mother left her children playing in the sand/going on a ride/seeing their first ballet to go and manage whatever my aunt decided wasn’t her job.

This is a very good question. OP doesn’t mention a trip to the ER actually happened, so it seems unlikely. In which case the whole song and dance about how she was so violently ill she needed the Zofran right now to avoid a trip to the hospital but the zofran was no where to be found falls apart a bit.

The whole thing raises a reasonable question about whether some part of OP was resentful that she had to pick up the caregiving her sister usually does for a few days and the text was a passive-aggressive way of expressing that.

Wow, how about just backing off OP. She is stressed and dealing with a very difficult situation. I can not believe you guys are jumping on her.

There are so many people who have sick/disabled parents, do the bulk of the caregiving, and have a sibling who “helps”. OP has a whole production about how this was so bad for **her** but gives no thought to the person who has it worse.

I think we have a couple of bullies (or maybe one person disguised as two) in this thread, who is intent on beating down on OP no matter what.

It's really pathetic.

I am one poster, the one whose grandmother died in my childhood home. There is at least one other poster and possibly more who have probably lived similar experiences.

It is not bullying to interrogate the reality of a situation like this when someone clearly is seeking attention and sympathy. Her sister called her selfish— her sister has known her a lot longer than we have. OP only later mentioned that her sister is her mothers live-in care, her early post said they “shared care with the help of a nurse.” OP is a not a particularly reliable narrator— very few of us are about our own lives— and if she’s going to actually try to make this better she has to see the perspective and experience of the other person, which is one she seems incredibly disinterested in. Even the fact that her sister is upset is turned around to be about her and her inability to sleep, as though that is the most important part of the story and not why her sister is upset.

OP says “I could have looked harder” and “I don’t blame her”. She knows. She also writes “I apologized.” Unfortunately it is what it is, her sister is angry. Beyond offering a sincere apology which OP did, the only thing left to do is not beat yourself up over it and give the sister some space. This is an incredibly trying time for the both of them.

I do not take this as read. All the OP says is “I apologized”. If her apology looks like the OP did (about how she did all the work when their father had cancer (and her sister was a child.) etc. than her sister likely doesn’t think it was a sincere apology. If she did, she probably wouldn’t have responded to say that OP was behaving selfishly.

OP could try a real sincere apology: no excuses, taking ownership, recognizing that she was wrong. I have not seen her do that here but perhaps she will if her relationship with her sister actually matters to her.

My exact response back was;

“I’m very sorry _____! I did not mean to disturb your vacation. I hope you are all having a great time. All is well now. Mom loves the pictures you’ve sent on the Frameo. Have a blast! Tell _____ we think she looks just like Elsa with her princess makeover. Love you!”

We will talk it out when she returns. She didn’t text back for about a day but now is back to random little texts about the cute thing she’d kids have done and seem. All is well. I promise we love each other. I’m not use to her being angry at me so it just got me all ruffled up. But now you are getting me ruffled up so I’m just going to say goodbye to this thread.

[Anonymous]

I'm sure your sister felt she had a moment of joy outside of the situation and unfortunately you brought her back to it. She would've been back into it regardless, it's hardly your fault. It's just a shitty situation. I'm sorry OP! I'm sure your sister isn't actually mad at you, she's upset at the situation. Everyone wants to place blame for how they feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with 2:46. You are taking care of your mom, she is on vacation and irate with you for trying to do a good job which at that moment involves texting her. And YOU are now anxious because she's mad at you.

This is not a good dynamic, OP. You can maintain a good relationship with her and still not let her walk all over you. I know because I used to be a doormat. I got a therapist for something else, and we ended up on this topic, and my therapist would literally give me the words to text, because I had ZERO training on how to establish or keep boundaries. It did not take long for me to learn, but I needed someone to teach me (at 54 years old) that there is something in between saying nothing and going nuclear.

I don’t consider myself a doormat. This is out of the ordinary for her. I have empathy because she and her family live with my mom so she truly hasn’t gotten a break until this week. I can understand her frustration. I agree with previous posters who said this wasn’t really about me, just the situation.

This is huge. You need to apologize profusely, and you need to not bother her for the rest of the time she is away. Her children are watching their grandmother die, have very little in the way of happy family memories of this time, and you want their mother to pay attention to you?

This is a pretty cruel comment. It hurt, I’m not sure if that was your goal.

I didn’t text her because I wanted her attention on me. I texted her because I couldn’t find the Zofran and my mother was so violently sick I was afraid we’d end up on a trip to the ER. I needed her to hold down some food and water so she could take her daily medicine.

And my heart is with my nieces and nephews who are watching their beloved Grandmother die. The same way they were when my kids were young and watched their grandfather die and the same way my heart hurts for my older kids and they also watch their grandmother die. This isn’t easy for anyone. I truly hope you never have to experience this.

She didn’t respond to your text for several hours— did you take your mom to the ER?

If you do not live with your mother at least part time, you do not split the care 50/50. If you are genuinely there 50/50 you know where the medicine is kept. When your mother needs something late at night it is your sister’s responsibility. If her children see their grandmother violently ill it is on her to manage. It’s nice that you “feel for” your young nieces but you couldn’t give them a day with their mother?

I was the kid in this situation. My grandmother lived with us until her death. Very occasionally my aunt would give respite care and my mother and father moved mountains to give us the happy memories of childhood that weren’t overshadowed by someone slowly, painfully, dying. This is incredibly hard on a seven year old.

And whenever something in the least bit out of the way came up, instead of managing it, my aunt called my mother, and my mother left her children playing in the sand/going on a ride/seeing their first ballet to go and manage whatever my aunt decided wasn’t her job.

This is a very good question. OP doesn’t mention a trip to the ER actually happened, so it seems unlikely. In which case the whole song and dance about how she was so violently ill she needed the Zofran right now to avoid a trip to the hospital but the zofran was no where to be found falls apart a bit.

The whole thing raises a reasonable question about whether some part of OP was resentful that she had to pick up the caregiving her sister usually does for a few days and the text was a passive-aggressive way of expressing that.

Wow, how about just backing off OP. She is stressed and dealing with a very difficult situation. I can not believe you guys are jumping on her.

There are so many people who have sick/disabled parents, do the bulk of the caregiving, and have a sibling who “helps”. OP has a whole production about how this was so bad for **her** but gives no thought to the person who has it worse.

I think we have a couple of bullies (or maybe one person disguised as two) in this thread, who is intent on beating down on OP no matter what.

It's really pathetic.

I am one poster, the one whose grandmother died in my childhood home. There is at least one other poster and possibly more who have probably lived similar experiences.

It is not bullying to interrogate the reality of a situation like this when someone clearly is seeking attention and sympathy. Her sister called her selfish— her sister has known her a lot longer than we have. OP only later mentioned that her sister is her mothers live-in care, her early post said they “shared care with the help of a nurse.” OP is a not a particularly reliable narrator— very few of us are about our own lives— and if she’s going to actually try to make this better she has to see the perspective and experience of the other person, which is one she seems incredibly disinterested in. Even the fact that her sister is upset is turned around to be about her and her inability to sleep, as though that is the most important part of the story and not why her sister is upset.

OP says “I could have looked harder” and “I don’t blame her”. She knows. She also writes “I apologized.” Unfortunately it is what it is, her sister is angry. Beyond offering a sincere apology which OP did, the only thing left to do is not beat yourself up over it and give the sister some space. This is an incredibly trying time for the both of them.

I do not take this as read. All the OP says is “I apologized”. If her apology looks like the OP did (about how she did all the work when their father had cancer (and her sister was a child.) etc. than her sister likely doesn’t think it was a sincere apology. If she did, she probably wouldn’t have responded to say that OP was behaving selfishly.

OP could try a real sincere apology: no excuses, taking ownership, recognizing that she was wrong. I have not seen her do that here but perhaps she will if her relationship with her sister actually matters to her.

My exact response back was;

“I’m very sorry _____! I did not mean to disturb your vacation. I hope you are all having a great time. All is well now. Mom loves the pictures you’ve sent on the Frameo. Have a blast! Tell _____ we think she looks just like Elsa with her princess makeover. Love you!”

We will talk it out when she returns. She didn’t text back for about a day but now is back to random little texts about the cute thing she’d kids have done and seem. All is well. I promise we love each other. I’m not use to her being angry at me so it just got me all ruffled up. But now you are getting me ruffled up so I’m just going to say goodbye to this thread.

OP, don’t let PP get to you. She’s clearly taking her childhood trauma out on you. It seems like it’s an overall stressful situation and emotions were high. When my mom was dying my siblings and I had outright yelling matches. The grief made us all people we hated. I’m glad to see that you and your sister are in good terms now. Well wishes to you all.

Possibly unsolicited but I learned the hard way that DCUM isn’t a particularly kind or sympathetic place. I understand the want to post anonymously but the anonymity also brings with it some cruel people who will say cruel things. I hope both you and your sister have a good support network outside of one another. Peace to you.

[Anonymous]

I suspect that the people dismissing the sister’s feelings do not have much experience being the primary caretaker of an extremely ill person for an extended period of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I suspect that the people dismissing the sister’s feelings do not have much experience being the primary caretaker of an extremely ill person for an extended period of time.

If you read the posts you’d see that it seems like OP is the primary care taker and that the sister has lived in the mothers home since before she was sick. OP offered to have the mother move in with her. Why would she do that if sister was the primary care giver?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure your sister felt she had a moment of joy outside of the situation and unfortunately you brought her back to it. She would've been back into it regardless, it's hardly your fault. It's just a shitty situation. I'm sorry OP! I'm sure your sister isn't actually mad at you, she's upset at the situation. Everyone wants to place blame for how they feel.

Yes, this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with 2:46. You are taking care of your mom, she is on vacation and irate with you for trying to do a good job which at that moment involves texting her. And YOU are now anxious because she's mad at you.

This is not a good dynamic, OP. You can maintain a good relationship with her and still not let her walk all over you. I know because I used to be a doormat. I got a therapist for something else, and we ended up on this topic, and my therapist would literally give me the words to text, because I had ZERO training on how to establish or keep boundaries. It did not take long for me to learn, but I needed someone to teach me (at 54 years old) that there is something in between saying nothing and going nuclear.

I don’t consider myself a doormat. This is out of the ordinary for her. I have empathy because she and her family live with my mom so she truly hasn’t gotten a break until this week. I can understand her frustration. I agree with previous posters who said this wasn’t really about me, just the situation.

This is huge. You need to apologize profusely, and you need to not bother her for the rest of the time she is away. Her children are watching their grandmother die, have very little in the way of happy family memories of this time, and you want their mother to pay attention to you?

This is a pretty cruel comment. It hurt, I’m not sure if that was your goal.

I didn’t text her because I wanted her attention on me. I texted her because I couldn’t find the Zofran and my mother was so violently sick I was afraid we’d end up on a trip to the ER. I needed her to hold down some food and water so she could take her daily medicine.

And my heart is with my nieces and nephews who are watching their beloved Grandmother die. The same way they were when my kids were young and watched their grandfather die and the same way my heart hurts for my older kids and they also watch their grandmother die. This isn’t easy for anyone. I truly hope you never have to experience this.

She didn’t respond to your text for several hours— did you take your mom to the ER?

If you do not live with your mother at least part time, you do not split the care 50/50. If you are genuinely there 50/50 you know where the medicine is kept. When your mother needs something late at night it is your sister’s responsibility. If her children see their grandmother violently ill it is on her to manage. It’s nice that you “feel for” your young nieces but you couldn’t give them a day with their mother?

I was the kid in this situation. My grandmother lived with us until her death. Very occasionally my aunt would give respite care and my mother and father moved mountains to give us the happy memories of childhood that weren’t overshadowed by someone slowly, painfully, dying. This is incredibly hard on a seven year old.

And whenever something in the least bit out of the way came up, instead of managing it, my aunt called my mother, and my mother left her children playing in the sand/going on a ride/seeing their first ballet to go and manage whatever my aunt decided wasn’t her job.

This is a very good question. OP doesn’t mention a trip to the ER actually happened, so it seems unlikely. In which case the whole song and dance about how she was so violently ill she needed the Zofran right now to avoid a trip to the hospital but the zofran was no where to be found falls apart a bit.

The whole thing raises a reasonable question about whether some part of OP was resentful that she had to pick up the caregiving her sister usually does for a few days and the text was a passive-aggressive way of expressing that.

Wow, how about just backing off OP. She is stressed and dealing with a very difficult situation. I can not believe you guys are jumping on her.

There are so many people who have sick/disabled parents, do the bulk of the caregiving, and have a sibling who “helps”. OP has a whole production about how this was so bad for **her** but gives no thought to the person who has it worse.

I think we have a couple of bullies (or maybe one person disguised as two) in this thread, who is intent on beating down on OP no matter what.

It's really pathetic.

I am one poster, the one whose grandmother died in my childhood home. There is at least one other poster and possibly more who have probably lived similar experiences.

It is not bullying to interrogate the reality of a situation like this when someone clearly is seeking attention and sympathy. Her sister called her selfish— her sister has known her a lot longer than we have. OP only later mentioned that her sister is her mothers live-in care, her early post said they “shared care with the help of a nurse.” OP is a not a particularly reliable narrator— very few of us are about our own lives— and if she’s going to actually try to make this better she has to see the perspective and experience of the other person, which is one she seems incredibly disinterested in. Even the fact that her sister is upset is turned around to be about her and her inability to sleep, as though that is the most important part of the story and not why her sister is upset.

OP says “I could have looked harder” and “I don’t blame her”. She knows. She also writes “I apologized.” Unfortunately it is what it is, her sister is angry. Beyond offering a sincere apology which OP did, the only thing left to do is not beat yourself up over it and give the sister some space. This is an incredibly trying time for the both of them.

I do not take this as read. All the OP says is “I apologized”. If her apology looks like the OP did (about how she did all the work when their father had cancer (and her sister was a child.) etc. than her sister likely doesn’t think it was a sincere apology. If she did, she probably wouldn’t have responded to say that OP was behaving selfishly.

OP could try a real sincere apology: no excuses, taking ownership, recognizing that she was wrong. I have not seen her do that here but perhaps she will if her relationship with her sister actually matters to her.

My exact response back was;

“I’m very sorry _____! I did not mean to disturb your vacation. I hope you are all having a great time. All is well now. Mom loves the pictures you’ve sent on the Frameo. Have a blast! Tell _____ we think she looks just like Elsa with her princess makeover. Love you!”

We will talk it out when she returns. She didn’t text back for about a day but now is back to random little texts about the cute thing she’d kids have done and seem. All is well. I promise we love each other. I’m not use to her being angry at me so it just got me all ruffled up. But now you are getting me ruffled up so I’m just going to say goodbye to this thread.

OP, don’t let PP get to you. She’s clearly taking her childhood trauma out on you. It seems like it’s an overall stressful situation and emotions were high. When my mom was dying my siblings and I had outright yelling matches. The grief made us all people we hated. I’m glad to see that you and your sister are in good terms now. Well wishes to you all.

Possibly unsolicited but I learned the hard way that DCUM isn’t a particularly kind or sympathetic place. I understand the want to post anonymously but the anonymity also brings with it some cruel people who will say cruel things. I hope both you and your sister have a good support network outside of one another. Peace to you.

If I’m taking out childhood “trauma” on OP (which I think is less true than I’m not telling her she’s perfect and her sister is evil which some posters seem to think is the requirement) then I would ask what OP is doing to mitigate the fact that her nieces are also going to have childhood trauma from this, and that her sister, who lost a parent as a child unlike OP, has childhood trauma. It still seems to be the case that the only person OP has any empathy for, or thinks anyone should have empathy for is…herself. Ironically the definition of selfishness…