Sister is irate with me

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. As someone who was in your sister's shoes (although going it alone, but with two young kids), I would often look for moments of happiness (like a trip to Disney World was for your sister) and it was so hard when they were ruined because it felt like I would never be happy again. I'm sure she regrets it and you're kind enough to acknowledge that she's just taking her feelings out on you at this horrible time. I wish you both the best. This isn't something anyone should have to go through, and I hope you and your sister find your way back together and can lean on each other in the months and years to come. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with 2:46. You are taking care of your mom, she is on vacation and irate with you for trying to do a good job which at that moment involves texting her. And YOU are now anxious because she's mad at you.

This is not a good dynamic, OP. You can maintain a good relationship with her and still not let her walk all over you. I know because I used to be a doormat. I got a therapist for something else, and we ended up on this topic, and my therapist would literally give me the words to text, because I had ZERO training on how to establish or keep boundaries. It did not take long for me to learn, but I needed someone to teach me (at 54 years old) that there is something in between saying nothing and going nuclear.

I don’t consider myself a doormat. This is out of the ordinary for her. I have empathy because she and her family live with my mom so she truly hasn’t gotten a break until this week. I can understand her frustration. I agree with previous posters who said this wasn’t really about me, just the situation.

[Anonymous]

Why does your sister know where the medicine is? Is she typically the primary caregiver?

I’m asking because if she takes on most of the burden and this is her one chance to have time to make good memories for her children right now, expecting her to bear the mental load is unfair. If she isn’t the primary caregiver, and of all the people in the world who could have helped you find the medicine you chose the one who you knew was on vacation, that comes across as pretty mean and like you begrudge her that vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with 2:46. You are taking care of your mom, she is on vacation and irate with you for trying to do a good job which at that moment involves texting her. And YOU are now anxious because she's mad at you.

This is not a good dynamic, OP. You can maintain a good relationship with her and still not let her walk all over you. I know because I used to be a doormat. I got a therapist for something else, and we ended up on this topic, and my therapist would literally give me the words to text, because I had ZERO training on how to establish or keep boundaries. It did not take long for me to learn, but I needed someone to teach me (at 54 years old) that there is something in between saying nothing and going nuclear.

I don’t consider myself a doormat. This is out of the ordinary for her. I have empathy because she and her family live with my mom so she truly hasn’t gotten a break until this week. I can understand her frustration. I agree with previous posters who said this wasn’t really about me, just the situation.

This is huge. You need to apologize profusely, and you need to not bother her for the rest of the time she is away. Her children are watching their grandmother die, have very little in the way of happy family memories of this time, and you want their mother to pay attention to you?

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry for everything you're going through. I've been in your shoes and had lost my parents when my own kids were very young.

You said she's not normally like this. Your followup that your mom lives with her makes it more understandable that she's lashing out in stress and at the situation. It's incredibly hard. It's not personal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does your sister know where the medicine is? Is she typically the primary caregiver?

I’m asking because if she takes on most of the burden and this is her one chance to have time to make good memories for her children right now, expecting her to bear the mental load is unfair. If she isn’t the primary caregiver, and of all the people in the world who could have helped you find the medicine you chose the one who you knew was on vacation, that comes across as pretty mean and like you begrudge her that vacation.

We split care 50/50 with the help of a home health nurse a few days a week. However, my sister & her family moved into my moms house spring 2020 after her husband lost his job. My mother was helping with childcare until she got sick earlier this year.

I do know because she lives with my mom she never truly gets a mental break even on the days I am the one providing care. I panicked when I couldn’t find a med I needed and knew if I don’t know she would. I understand it was selfish now but it definitely wasn’t my intent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with 2:46. You are taking care of your mom, she is on vacation and irate with you for trying to do a good job which at that moment involves texting her. And YOU are now anxious because she's mad at you.

This is not a good dynamic, OP. You can maintain a good relationship with her and still not let her walk all over you. I know because I used to be a doormat. I got a therapist for something else, and we ended up on this topic, and my therapist would literally give me the words to text, because I had ZERO training on how to establish or keep boundaries. It did not take long for me to learn, but I needed someone to teach me (at 54 years old) that there is something in between saying nothing and going nuclear.

I don’t consider myself a doormat. This is out of the ordinary for her. I have empathy because she and her family live with my mom so she truly hasn’t gotten a break until this week. I can understand her frustration. I agree with previous posters who said this wasn’t really about me, just the situation.

This is huge. You need to apologize profusely, and you need to not bother her for the rest of the time she is away. Her children are watching their grandmother die, have very little in the way of happy family memories of this time, and you want their mother to pay attention to you?

This is a pretty cruel comment. It hurt, I’m not sure if that was your goal.

I didn’t text her because I wanted her attention on me. I texted her because I couldn’t find the Zofran and my mother was so violently sick I was afraid we’d end up on a trip to the ER. I needed her to hold down some food and water so she could take her daily medicine.

And my heart is with my nieces and nephews who are watching their beloved Grandmother die. The same way they were when my kids were young and watched their grandfather die and the same way my heart hurts for my older kids and they also watch their grandmother die. This isn’t easy for anyone. I truly hope you never have to experience this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with 2:46. You are taking care of your mom, she is on vacation and irate with you for trying to do a good job which at that moment involves texting her. And YOU are now anxious because she's mad at you.

This is not a good dynamic, OP. You can maintain a good relationship with her and still not let her walk all over you. I know because I used to be a doormat. I got a therapist for something else, and we ended up on this topic, and my therapist would literally give me the words to text, because I had ZERO training on how to establish or keep boundaries. It did not take long for me to learn, but I needed someone to teach me (at 54 years old) that there is something in between saying nothing and going nuclear.

I don’t consider myself a doormat. This is out of the ordinary for her. I have empathy because she and her family live with my mom so she truly hasn’t gotten a break until this week. I can understand her frustration. I agree with previous posters who said this wasn’t really about me, just the situation.

Not the poster you are responding to, but I am impressed with you OP. You due truly seem to have empathy and care about your sister and of course your mom. I think you both should agree that you both need breaks and make sure you both take them and have a rule that one only contacts the other for an emergency. It is an impossible situation and you both need to make sure you are addressing your own health and sanity needs. You and the other posters are right, this is not personal, but it's a red flag. I think you both will burn out if you don't figure out how to carve out safe time to decompress. There seems to be a great foundation between you and your sister and we don't want that eroding either. Please take care. Such a tough situation.

[Anonymous]

She is irate with life right now. In a flash she directed that anger at you. A sign she is struggling to cope & keep it together. While she knows it is likely a much needed family trip she may be feeling guilt as well.

My heart aches for you. It is a horrible situation for all. You simply wanted to bring your mother some relief as quickly as possible. We all know your intent was not to anger or bring your sister down. Your sister knows.

[Anonymous]

do not due...mind is mush

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with 2:46. You are taking care of your mom, she is on vacation and irate with you for trying to do a good job which at that moment involves texting her. And YOU are now anxious because she's mad at you.

This is not a good dynamic, OP. You can maintain a good relationship with her and still not let her walk all over you. I know because I used to be a doormat. I got a therapist for something else, and we ended up on this topic, and my therapist would literally give me the words to text, because I had ZERO training on how to establish or keep boundaries. It did not take long for me to learn, but I needed someone to teach me (at 54 years old) that there is something in between saying nothing and going nuclear.

I don’t consider myself a doormat. This is out of the ordinary for her. I have empathy because she and her family live with my mom so she truly hasn’t gotten a break until this week. I can understand her frustration. I agree with previous posters who said this wasn’t really about me, just the situation.

This is huge. You need to apologize profusely, and you need to not bother her for the rest of the time she is away. Her children are watching their grandmother die, have very little in the way of happy family memories of this time, and you want their mother to pay attention to you?

This is a pretty cruel comment. It hurt, I’m not sure if that was your goal.

I didn’t text her because I wanted her attention on me. I texted her because I couldn’t find the Zofran and my mother was so violently sick I was afraid we’d end up on a trip to the ER. I needed her to hold down some food and water so she could take her daily medicine.

And my heart is with my nieces and nephews who are watching their beloved Grandmother die. The same way they were when my kids were young and watched their grandfather die and the same way my heart hurts for my older kids and they also watch their grandmother die. This isn’t easy for anyone. I truly hope you never have to experience this.

Not the poster you are responding to, but I cried when I read this because I am the mother of an ill child and I know the power of zofran! That is such a tough situation because you absolutely understand your sister is on edge and needed peace, but at the same time there is nothing worse than seeing a loved one violently ill when you know a pill could stop it. And could I just say...zofran really is an amzing drug!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is irate with life right now. In a flash she directed that anger at you. A sign she is struggling to cope & keep it together. While she knows it is likely a much needed family trip she may be feeling guilt as well.

My heart aches for you. It is a horrible situation for all. You simply wanted to bring your mother some relief as quickly as possible. We all know your intent was not to anger or bring your sister down. Your sister knows.

Agreed. You seem like a good person OP. My heart goes out to you. I hope you can maintain some self-compassion in addition to your obvious concern for others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with 2:46. You are taking care of your mom, she is on vacation and irate with you for trying to do a good job which at that moment involves texting her. And YOU are now anxious because she's mad at you.

This is not a good dynamic, OP. You can maintain a good relationship with her and still not let her walk all over you. I know because I used to be a doormat. I got a therapist for something else, and we ended up on this topic, and my therapist would literally give me the words to text, because I had ZERO training on how to establish or keep boundaries. It did not take long for me to learn, but I needed someone to teach me (at 54 years old) that there is something in between saying nothing and going nuclear.

I don’t consider myself a doormat. This is out of the ordinary for her. I have empathy because she and her family live with my mom so she truly hasn’t gotten a break until this week. I can understand her frustration. I agree with previous posters who said this wasn’t really about me, just the situation.

Not the poster you are responding to, but I am impressed with you OP. You due truly seem to have empathy and care about your sister and of course your mom. I think you both should agree that you both need breaks and make sure you both take them and have a rule that one only contacts the other for an emergency. It is an impossible situation and you both need to make sure you are addressing your own health and sanity needs. You and the other posters are right, this is not personal, but it's a red flag. I think you both will burn out if you don't figure out how to carve out safe time to decompress. There seems to be a great foundation between you and your sister and we don't want that eroding either. Please take care. Such a tough situation.

I think we will have a conversation and how to avoid burnout when she returns. For now I’m just going to let her enjoy the next few weeks with her family.

It’s so hard. I think just being in the same house is a major stressor. We, at one point, discussed having my mother move in with us but my mother wanted to be in her own home, understandably. We may try “house swapping” every other weekend so she and her family can stay at our house solo. We tried that once but her kids are also use to their own rooms in my mothers house. It’s all just heavy.

I WFH and live less than a mile away so spend a lot of time at my mothers home. I’m lucky that way. When my Dad was sick we had to move close by and just stayed. It was so hard but ended up being amazing for my kids to grow up im the same town I did and so close to my mother.

We have the resources and I have the flexibility and I know many families do not. I don’t understand how people care for ill or dying loved ones without substantial family support. Without the financial resources. What do these sick people do? As sad as this all is my mother has her two daughters and all her grandchildren right there with her. When I think about people who are alone I just want to cry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with 2:46. You are taking care of your mom, she is on vacation and irate with you for trying to do a good job which at that moment involves texting her. And YOU are now anxious because she's mad at you.

This is not a good dynamic, OP. You can maintain a good relationship with her and still not let her walk all over you. I know because I used to be a doormat. I got a therapist for something else, and we ended up on this topic, and my therapist would literally give me the words to text, because I had ZERO training on how to establish or keep boundaries. It did not take long for me to learn, but I needed someone to teach me (at 54 years old) that there is something in between saying nothing and going nuclear.

I don’t consider myself a doormat. This is out of the ordinary for her. I have empathy because she and her family live with my mom so she truly hasn’t gotten a break until this week. I can understand her frustration. I agree with previous posters who said this wasn’t really about me, just the situation.

Not the poster you are responding to, but I am impressed with you OP. You due truly seem to have empathy and care about your sister and of course your mom. I think you both should agree that you both need breaks and make sure you both take them and have a rule that one only contacts the other for an emergency. It is an impossible situation and you both need to make sure you are addressing your own health and sanity needs. You and the other posters are right, this is not personal, but it's a red flag. I think you both will burn out if you don't figure out how to carve out safe time to decompress. There seems to be a great foundation between you and your sister and we don't want that eroding either. Please take care. Such a tough situation.

I think we will have a conversation and how to avoid burnout when she returns. For now I’m just going to let her enjoy the next few weeks with her family.

It’s so hard. I think just being in the same house is a major stressor. We, at one point, discussed having my mother move in with us but my mother wanted to be in her own home, understandably. We may try “house swapping” every other weekend so she and her family can stay at our house solo. We tried that once but her kids are also use to their own rooms in my mothers house. It’s all just heavy.

I WFH and live less than a mile away so spend a lot of time at my mothers home. I’m lucky that way. When my Dad was sick we had to move close by and just stayed. It was so hard but ended up being amazing for my kids to grow up im the same town I did and so close to my mother.

We have the resources and I have the flexibility and I know many families do not. I don’t understand how people care for ill or dying loved ones without substantial family support. Without the financial resources. What do these sick people do? As sad as this all is my mother has her two daughters and all her grandchildren right there with her. When I think about people who are alone I just want to cry.

Sorry for getting off topic I’m just having an emotional day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with 2:46. You are taking care of your mom, she is on vacation and irate with you for trying to do a good job which at that moment involves texting her. And YOU are now anxious because she's mad at you.

This is not a good dynamic, OP. You can maintain a good relationship with her and still not let her walk all over you. I know because I used to be a doormat. I got a therapist for something else, and we ended up on this topic, and my therapist would literally give me the words to text, because I had ZERO training on how to establish or keep boundaries. It did not take long for me to learn, but I needed someone to teach me (at 54 years old) that there is something in between saying nothing and going nuclear.

I don’t consider myself a doormat. This is out of the ordinary for her. I have empathy because she and her family live with my mom so she truly hasn’t gotten a break until this week. I can understand her frustration. I agree with previous posters who said this wasn’t really about me, just the situation.

This is huge. You need to apologize profusely, and you need to not bother her for the rest of the time she is away. Her children are watching their grandmother die, have very little in the way of happy family memories of this time, and you want their mother to pay attention to you?

This is a pretty cruel comment. It hurt, I’m not sure if that was your goal.

I didn’t text her because I wanted her attention on me. I texted her because I couldn’t find the Zofran and my mother was so violently sick I was afraid we’d end up on a trip to the ER. I needed her to hold down some food and water so she could take her daily medicine.

And my heart is with my nieces and nephews who are watching their beloved Grandmother die. The same way they were when my kids were young and watched their grandfather die and the same way my heart hurts for my older kids and they also watch their grandmother die. This isn’t easy for anyone. I truly hope you never have to experience this.

She didn’t respond to your text for several hours— did you take your mom to the ER?

If you do not live with your mother at least part time, you do not split the care 50/50. If you are genuinely there 50/50 you know where the medicine is kept. When your mother needs something late at night it is your sister’s responsibility. If her children see their grandmother violently ill it is on her to manage. It’s nice that you “feel for” your young nieces but you couldn’t give them a day with their mother?

I was the kid in this situation. My grandmother lived with us until her death. Very occasionally my aunt would give respite care and my mother and father moved mountains to give us the happy memories of childhood that weren’t overshadowed by someone slowly, painfully, dying. This is incredibly hard on a seven year old.

And whenever something in the least bit out of the way came up, instead of managing it, my aunt called my mother, and my mother left her children playing in the sand/going on a ride/seeing their first ballet to go and manage whatever my aunt decided wasn’t her job.