Sister is irate with me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Irate”. Her choice of words.

We are all incredibly stressed. My mom is dying of cancer. My sister & I have both been caring for her the past 8 months. Sister is at Disney World with her family and I texted her asking about the location of a specific medication. Sister didn’t respond for hours and finally did with the answer. I said thank you and moved on. This morning she texted me that she was irate with me because I interrupted her family vacation to ask about the medication and it took her out of her bliss. I apologized but she got a long winded message about how I was being selfish. Trying not to take it personally because I know she’s been having a really hard time. My Mom probably won’t make it till Christmas and we all feel despair. My sister is a highly sensitive person as well. This is my second rodeo caring for a dying parent as I was around her age when our father passed of the same cancer and she was still a teen and we didn’t put the burden on her obviously. Now she has young children, and I know from experience balancing a dying parent with little kids is overwhelming. I don’t blame her for being angry about the text. I could have looked harder, but I was in a panic and didn’t think. I just feel like I can’t sleep knowing she’s angry with me. This sucks.

This is why you do “burden” people with the death of a parent. You are right to be pissed. Her behavior was very selfish and uncalled for.

[Anonymous]

She was unreasonable, sorry. You'll have to cut her some slack.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with 2:46. You are taking care of your mom, she is on vacation and irate with you for trying to do a good job which at that moment involves texting her. And YOU are now anxious because she's mad at you.

This is not a good dynamic, OP. You can maintain a good relationship with her and still not let her walk all over you. I know because I used to be a doormat. I got a therapist for something else, and we ended up on this topic, and my therapist would literally give me the words to text, because I had ZERO training on how to establish or keep boundaries. It did not take long for me to learn, but I needed someone to teach me (at 54 years old) that there is something in between saying nothing and going nuclear.

I don’t consider myself a doormat. This is out of the ordinary for her. I have empathy because she and her family live with my mom so she truly hasn’t gotten a break until this week. I can understand her frustration. I agree with previous posters who said this wasn’t really about me, just the situation.

This is huge. You need to apologize profusely, and you need to not bother her for the rest of the time she is away. Her children are watching their grandmother die, have very little in the way of happy family memories of this time, and you want their mother to pay attention to you?

This is a pretty cruel comment. It hurt, I’m not sure if that was your goal.

I didn’t text her because I wanted her attention on me. I texted her because I couldn’t find the Zofran and my mother was so violently sick I was afraid we’d end up on a trip to the ER. I needed her to hold down some food and water so she could take her daily medicine.

And my heart is with my nieces and nephews who are watching their beloved Grandmother die. The same way they were when my kids were young and watched their grandfather die and the same way my heart hurts for my older kids and they also watch their grandmother die. This isn’t easy for anyone. I truly hope you never have to experience this.

She didn’t respond to your text for several hours— did you take your mom to the ER?

If you do not live with your mother at least part time, you do not split the care 50/50. If you are genuinely there 50/50 you know where the medicine is kept. When your mother needs something late at night it is your sister’s responsibility. If her children see their grandmother violently ill it is on her to manage. It’s nice that you “feel for” your young nieces but you couldn’t give them a day with their mother?

I was the kid in this situation. My grandmother lived with us until her death. Very occasionally my aunt would give respite care and my mother and father moved mountains to give us the happy memories of childhood that weren’t overshadowed by someone slowly, painfully, dying. This is incredibly hard on a seven year old.

And whenever something in the least bit out of the way came up, instead of managing it, my aunt called my mother, and my mother left her children playing in the sand/going on a ride/seeing their first ballet to go and manage whatever my aunt decided wasn’t her job.

DP. You're projecting your bad experience unto OP. OP sounds nothing like your aunt. Save your anger for worthier causes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with 2:46. You are taking care of your mom, she is on vacation and irate with you for trying to do a good job which at that moment involves texting her. And YOU are now anxious because she's mad at you.

This is not a good dynamic, OP. You can maintain a good relationship with her and still not let her walk all over you. I know because I used to be a doormat. I got a therapist for something else, and we ended up on this topic, and my therapist would literally give me the words to text, because I had ZERO training on how to establish or keep boundaries. It did not take long for me to learn, but I needed someone to teach me (at 54 years old) that there is something in between saying nothing and going nuclear.

I don’t consider myself a doormat. This is out of the ordinary for her. I have empathy because she and her family live with my mom so she truly hasn’t gotten a break until this week. I can understand her frustration. I agree with previous posters who said this wasn’t really about me, just the situation.

This is huge. You need to apologize profusely, and you need to not bother her for the rest of the time she is away. Her children are watching their grandmother die, have very little in the way of happy family memories of this time, and you want their mother to pay attention to you?

This is a pretty cruel comment. It hurt, I’m not sure if that was your goal.

I didn’t text her because I wanted her attention on me. I texted her because I couldn’t find the Zofran and my mother was so violently sick I was afraid we’d end up on a trip to the ER. I needed her to hold down some food and water so she could take her daily medicine.

And my heart is with my nieces and nephews who are watching their beloved Grandmother die. The same way they were when my kids were young and watched their grandfather die and the same way my heart hurts for my older kids and they also watch their grandmother die. This isn’t easy for anyone. I truly hope you never have to experience this.

She didn’t respond to your text for several hours— did you take your mom to the ER?

If you do not live with your mother at least part time, you do not split the care 50/50. If you are genuinely there 50/50 you know where the medicine is kept. When your mother needs something late at night it is your sister’s responsibility. If her children see their grandmother violently ill it is on her to manage. It’s nice that you “feel for” your young nieces but you couldn’t give them a day with their mother?

I was the kid in this situation. My grandmother lived with us until her death. Very occasionally my aunt would give respite care and my mother and father moved mountains to give us the happy memories of childhood that weren’t overshadowed by someone slowly, painfully, dying. This is incredibly hard on a seven year old.

And whenever something in the least bit out of the way came up, instead of managing it, my aunt called my mother, and my mother left her children playing in the sand/going on a ride/seeing their first ballet to go and manage whatever my aunt decided wasn’t her job.

PP, you are projecting on this poor lady. Get a grip. Deal with your own shit instead of putting it on a stranger whose situation you know very little about.

OP stated that sister and family moved in before Mom was sick. She did not move in to care for a sick, dying mother. She moved in because like many of us they were in a bad place during the pandemic and needed a home and assistance with childcare. Now Mom is sick and I’m sure this isn’t what she expected when she moved in with Mom. It sounds like it’s sucks for everyone. OP says she spends 5-6 days a week with her mother while working from home. That seems like she’s pretty hands on. She even offered to move her mother into her home but her Mom didn’t want to (understandably, why should she leave her own home because it’s making her youngest daughter uncomfortable to live with a dying person). OP also said she offered up her house occasionally to her sibling and family so she can get repite.

I’m truly lost at what else you want OP to do aside from go back in time and not text. She seems to regret it, although I personally think it’s no big deal being exasperated but high emotions. If anything OP seems like the reasonable sibling.

If it is that stressful for sister to live with sick mother, she can move. Right? Why is OP responsible for everyone’s decisions?

[Anonymous]

Some of these comments are bizarre. I don’t think OP did anything wrong, and if she did she seems genuinely remorseful.

I can promise you if younger sister would have post on here y’all would have gone to her throat just the way you did OP.

“My older sister ruined my family vacation!”

“I am just so irate. I am spending a few weeks in Florida with my young family and we were having a great time. Well, that was until my older sister texted me and asked me where my sick, dying mothers anti-nausea medicine was! The bliss immediately left my body. You see, I have been living with my Mother for the past few years. It was great! We got to live in my childhood house rent-free as my husband searched for jobs. Free childcare too! Then my mother got sick and now requires constant care and being in the house isn’t as fun. It still benefits me, but I lost out on childcare and watching a parent die is really awful and kind of makes everyone highly emotional and on edge. I spend all day in a house with my sick mother (it’s her house btw) and take care of her all the time. I mean, my sister is there too almost everyday. But I LIVE there and can never get a break. My sister did offer about six different solutions and I’m also a grown adult and could easily make the decision to move out since it’s incredibly stressful to myself and my young children but eh, free is free. Ok, gotta go ride It’s-a-Small-World six times in a row before responding to my panicked sister who is caring for my vomiting mom. Bye!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with 2:46. You are taking care of your mom, she is on vacation and irate with you for trying to do a good job which at that moment involves texting her. And YOU are now anxious because she's mad at you.

This is not a good dynamic, OP. You can maintain a good relationship with her and still not let her walk all over you. I know because I used to be a doormat. I got a therapist for something else, and we ended up on this topic, and my therapist would literally give me the words to text, because I had ZERO training on how to establish or keep boundaries. It did not take long for me to learn, but I needed someone to teach me (at 54 years old) that there is something in between saying nothing and going nuclear.

I don’t consider myself a doormat. This is out of the ordinary for her. I have empathy because she and her family live with my mom so she truly hasn’t gotten a break until this week. I can understand her frustration. I agree with previous posters who said this wasn’t really about me, just the situation.

This is huge. You need to apologize profusely, and you need to not bother her for the rest of the time she is away. Her children are watching their grandmother die, have very little in the way of happy family memories of this time, and you want their mother to pay attention to you?

This is a pretty cruel comment. It hurt, I’m not sure if that was your goal.

I didn’t text her because I wanted her attention on me. I texted her because I couldn’t find the Zofran and my mother was so violently sick I was afraid we’d end up on a trip to the ER. I needed her to hold down some food and water so she could take her daily medicine.

And my heart is with my nieces and nephews who are watching their beloved Grandmother die. The same way they were when my kids were young and watched their grandfather die and the same way my heart hurts for my older kids and they also watch their grandmother die. This isn’t easy for anyone. I truly hope you never have to experience this.

She didn’t respond to your text for several hours— did you take your mom to the ER?

If you do not live with your mother at least part time, you do not split the care 50/50. If you are genuinely there 50/50 you know where the medicine is kept. When your mother needs something late at night it is your sister’s responsibility. If her children see their grandmother violently ill it is on her to manage. It’s nice that you “feel for” your young nieces but you couldn’t give them a day with their mother?

I was the kid in this situation. My grandmother lived with us until her death. Very occasionally my aunt would give respite care and my mother and father moved mountains to give us the happy memories of childhood that weren’t overshadowed by someone slowly, painfully, dying. This is incredibly hard on a seven year old.

And whenever something in the least bit out of the way came up, instead of managing it, my aunt called my mother, and my mother left her children playing in the sand/going on a ride/seeing their first ballet to go and manage whatever my aunt decided wasn’t her job.

PP, you are projecting on this poor lady. Get a grip. Deal with your own shit instead of putting it on a stranger whose situation you know very little about.

OP stated that sister and family moved in before Mom was sick. She did not move in to care for a sick, dying mother. She moved in because like many of us they were in a bad place during the pandemic and needed a home and assistance with childcare. Now Mom is sick and I’m sure this isn’t what she expected when she moved in with Mom. It sounds like it’s sucks for everyone. OP says she spends 5-6 days a week with her mother while working from home. That seems like she’s pretty hands on. She even offered to move her mother into her home but her Mom didn’t want to (understandably, why should she leave her own home because it’s making her youngest daughter uncomfortable to live with a dying person). OP also said she offered up her house occasionally to her sibling and family so she can get repite.

I’m truly lost at what else you want OP to do aside from go back in time and not text. She seems to regret it, although I personally think it’s no big deal being exasperated but high emotions. If anything OP seems like the reasonable sibling.

If it is that stressful for sister to live with sick mother, she can move. Right? Why is OP responsible for everyone’s decisions?

What else do I think OP should do? She should be responsible for her mother’s care when she is her mothers caregiver. Very low bar. That means knowing where the medicine is— someone who says she does as much care as OP does knows where the Zofran is.

I think she should stop drawing false equivalences. This isn’t as hard on her as it is on her sister. It isn’t as hard on her children as it is on her sister’s children. Yes her sister could move out, but I bet spending her dying months with young grandchildren who will probably have very few memories of her is important to her mom. It is extremely hard to balance giving your dying parent that amazing gift and shielding your children from the horrible side, and OP clearly doesn’t care about those kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with 2:46. You are taking care of your mom, she is on vacation and irate with you for trying to do a good job which at that moment involves texting her. And YOU are now anxious because she's mad at you.

This is not a good dynamic, OP. You can maintain a good relationship with her and still not let her walk all over you. I know because I used to be a doormat. I got a therapist for something else, and we ended up on this topic, and my therapist would literally give me the words to text, because I had ZERO training on how to establish or keep boundaries. It did not take long for me to learn, but I needed someone to teach me (at 54 years old) that there is something in between saying nothing and going nuclear.

I don’t consider myself a doormat. This is out of the ordinary for her. I have empathy because she and her family live with my mom so she truly hasn’t gotten a break until this week. I can understand her frustration. I agree with previous posters who said this wasn’t really about me, just the situation.

This is huge. You need to apologize profusely, and you need to not bother her for the rest of the time she is away. Her children are watching their grandmother die, have very little in the way of happy family memories of this time, and you want their mother to pay attention to you?

This is a pretty cruel comment. It hurt, I’m not sure if that was your goal.

I didn’t text her because I wanted her attention on me. I texted her because I couldn’t find the Zofran and my mother was so violently sick I was afraid we’d end up on a trip to the ER. I needed her to hold down some food and water so she could take her daily medicine.

And my heart is with my nieces and nephews who are watching their beloved Grandmother die. The same way they were when my kids were young and watched their grandfather die and the same way my heart hurts for my older kids and they also watch their grandmother die. This isn’t easy for anyone. I truly hope you never have to experience this.

She didn’t respond to your text for several hours— did you take your mom to the ER?

If you do not live with your mother at least part time, you do not split the care 50/50. If you are genuinely there 50/50 you know where the medicine is kept. When your mother needs something late at night it is your sister’s responsibility. If her children see their grandmother violently ill it is on her to manage. It’s nice that you “feel for” your young nieces but you couldn’t give them a day with their mother?

I was the kid in this situation. My grandmother lived with us until her death. Very occasionally my aunt would give respite care and my mother and father moved mountains to give us the happy memories of childhood that weren’t overshadowed by someone slowly, painfully, dying. This is incredibly hard on a seven year old.

And whenever something in the least bit out of the way came up, instead of managing it, my aunt called my mother, and my mother left her children playing in the sand/going on a ride/seeing their first ballet to go and manage whatever my aunt decided wasn’t her job.

PP, you are projecting on this poor lady. Get a grip. Deal with your own shit instead of putting it on a stranger whose situation you know very little about.

OP stated that sister and family moved in before Mom was sick. She did not move in to care for a sick, dying mother. She moved in because like many of us they were in a bad place during the pandemic and needed a home and assistance with childcare. Now Mom is sick and I’m sure this isn’t what she expected when she moved in with Mom. It sounds like it’s sucks for everyone. OP says she spends 5-6 days a week with her mother while working from home. That seems like she’s pretty hands on. She even offered to move her mother into her home but her Mom didn’t want to (understandably, why should she leave her own home because it’s making her youngest daughter uncomfortable to live with a dying person). OP also said she offered up her house occasionally to her sibling and family so she can get repite.

I’m truly lost at what else you want OP to do aside from go back in time and not text. She seems to regret it, although I personally think it’s no big deal being exasperated but high emotions. If anything OP seems like the reasonable sibling.

If it is that stressful for sister to live with sick mother, she can move. Right? Why is OP responsible for everyone’s decisions?

What else do I think OP should do? She should be responsible for her mother’s care when she is her mothers caregiver. Very low bar. That means knowing where the medicine is— someone who says she does as much care as OP does knows where the Zofran is.

I think she should stop drawing false equivalences. This isn’t as hard on her as it is on her sister. It isn’t as hard on her children as it is on her sister’s children. Yes her sister could move out, but I bet spending her dying months with young grandchildren who will probably have very few memories of her is important to her mom. It is extremely hard to balance giving your dying parent that amazing gift and shielding your children from the horrible side, and OP clearly doesn’t care about those kids.

Go to therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with 2:46. You are taking care of your mom, she is on vacation and irate with you for trying to do a good job which at that moment involves texting her. And YOU are now anxious because she's mad at you.

This is not a good dynamic, OP. You can maintain a good relationship with her and still not let her walk all over you. I know because I used to be a doormat. I got a therapist for something else, and we ended up on this topic, and my therapist would literally give me the words to text, because I had ZERO training on how to establish or keep boundaries. It did not take long for me to learn, but I needed someone to teach me (at 54 years old) that there is something in between saying nothing and going nuclear.

I don’t consider myself a doormat. This is out of the ordinary for her. I have empathy because she and her family live with my mom so she truly hasn’t gotten a break until this week. I can understand her frustration. I agree with previous posters who said this wasn’t really about me, just the situation.

This is huge. You need to apologize profusely, and you need to not bother her for the rest of the time she is away. Her children are watching their grandmother die, have very little in the way of happy family memories of this time, and you want their mother to pay attention to you?

This is a pretty cruel comment. It hurt, I’m not sure if that was your goal.

I didn’t text her because I wanted her attention on me. I texted her because I couldn’t find the Zofran and my mother was so violently sick I was afraid we’d end up on a trip to the ER. I needed her to hold down some food and water so she could take her daily medicine.

And my heart is with my nieces and nephews who are watching their beloved Grandmother die. The same way they were when my kids were young and watched their grandfather die and the same way my heart hurts for my older kids and they also watch their grandmother die. This isn’t easy for anyone. I truly hope you never have to experience this.

She didn’t respond to your text for several hours— did you take your mom to the ER?

If you do not live with your mother at least part time, you do not split the care 50/50. If you are genuinely there 50/50 you know where the medicine is kept. When your mother needs something late at night it is your sister’s responsibility. If her children see their grandmother violently ill it is on her to manage. It’s nice that you “feel for” your young nieces but you couldn’t give them a day with their mother?

I was the kid in this situation. My grandmother lived with us until her death. Very occasionally my aunt would give respite care and my mother and father moved mountains to give us the happy memories of childhood that weren’t overshadowed by someone slowly, painfully, dying. This is incredibly hard on a seven year old.

And whenever something in the least bit out of the way came up, instead of managing it, my aunt called my mother, and my mother left her children playing in the sand/going on a ride/seeing their first ballet to go and manage whatever my aunt decided wasn’t her job.

PP, you are projecting on this poor lady. Get a grip. Deal with your own shit instead of putting it on a stranger whose situation you know very little about.

OP stated that sister and family moved in before Mom was sick. She did not move in to care for a sick, dying mother. She moved in because like many of us they were in a bad place during the pandemic and needed a home and assistance with childcare. Now Mom is sick and I’m sure this isn’t what she expected when she moved in with Mom. It sounds like it’s sucks for everyone. OP says she spends 5-6 days a week with her mother while working from home. That seems like she’s pretty hands on. She even offered to move her mother into her home but her Mom didn’t want to (understandably, why should she leave her own home because it’s making her youngest daughter uncomfortable to live with a dying person). OP also said she offered up her house occasionally to her sibling and family so she can get repite.

I’m truly lost at what else you want OP to do aside from go back in time and not text. She seems to regret it, although I personally think it’s no big deal being exasperated but high emotions. If anything OP seems like the reasonable sibling.

If it is that stressful for sister to live with sick mother, she can move. Right? Why is OP responsible for everyone’s decisions?

What else do I think OP should do? She should be responsible for her mother’s care when she is her mothers caregiver. Very low bar. That means knowing where the medicine is— someone who says she does as much care as OP does knows where the Zofran is.

I think she should stop drawing false equivalences. This isn’t as hard on her as it is on her sister. It isn’t as hard on her children as it is on her sister’s children. Yes her sister could move out, but I bet spending her dying months with young grandchildren who will probably have very few memories of her is important to her mom. It is extremely hard to balance giving your dying parent that amazing gift and shielding your children from the horrible side, and OP clearly doesn’t care about those kids.

did it not occur to you that the sister might have moved the medicine somewhere random and that's why op couldn't find it?

[Anonymous]

You admit you could have looked harder for the medicine than you did. Forgive yourself for that, since you know you were panicking, and recognize that yes, your sister did need this escape at Disney with her kids when she has caring so much for your mother, and forgive her too. To be in the process of losing a second parent from cancer is nearly unbearable and must be so hard! It’s ok to recognize that both you and your sister will react in ways that aren’t characteristic. You’ll both get through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You admit you could have looked harder for the medicine than you did. Forgive yourself for that, since you know you were panicking, and recognize that yes, your sister did need this escape at Disney with her kids when she has caring so much for your mother, and forgive her too. To be in the process of losing a second parent from cancer is nearly unbearable and must be so hard! It’s ok to recognize that both you and your sister will react in ways that aren’t characteristic. You’ll both get through this.

+1

I’m so sorry OP. Please give your sister, and yourself, some grace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with 2:46. You are taking care of your mom, she is on vacation and irate with you for trying to do a good job which at that moment involves texting her. And YOU are now anxious because she's mad at you.

This is not a good dynamic, OP. You can maintain a good relationship with her and still not let her walk all over you. I know because I used to be a doormat. I got a therapist for something else, and we ended up on this topic, and my therapist would literally give me the words to text, because I had ZERO training on how to establish or keep boundaries. It did not take long for me to learn, but I needed someone to teach me (at 54 years old) that there is something in between saying nothing and going nuclear.

I don’t consider myself a doormat. This is out of the ordinary for her. I have empathy because she and her family live with my mom so she truly hasn’t gotten a break until this week. I can understand her frustration. I agree with previous posters who said this wasn’t really about me, just the situation.

This is huge. You need to apologize profusely, and you need to not bother her for the rest of the time she is away. Her children are watching their grandmother die, have very little in the way of happy family memories of this time, and you want their mother to pay attention to you?

This is a pretty cruel comment. It hurt, I’m not sure if that was your goal.

I didn’t text her because I wanted her attention on me. I texted her because I couldn’t find the Zofran and my mother was so violently sick I was afraid we’d end up on a trip to the ER. I needed her to hold down some food and water so she could take her daily medicine.

And my heart is with my nieces and nephews who are watching their beloved Grandmother die. The same way they were when my kids were young and watched their grandfather die and the same way my heart hurts for my older kids and they also watch their grandmother die. This isn’t easy for anyone. I truly hope you never have to experience this.

She didn’t respond to your text for several hours— did you take your mom to the ER?

If you do not live with your mother at least part time, you do not split the care 50/50. If you are genuinely there 50/50 you know where the medicine is kept. When your mother needs something late at night it is your sister’s responsibility. If her children see their grandmother violently ill it is on her to manage. It’s nice that you “feel for” your young nieces but you couldn’t give them a day with their mother?

I was the kid in this situation. My grandmother lived with us until her death. Very occasionally my aunt would give respite care and my mother and father moved mountains to give us the happy memories of childhood that weren’t overshadowed by someone slowly, painfully, dying. This is incredibly hard on a seven year old.

And whenever something in the least bit out of the way came up, instead of managing it, my aunt called my mother, and my mother left her children playing in the sand/going on a ride/seeing their first ballet to go and manage whatever my aunt decided wasn’t her job.

This is a very good question. OP doesn’t mention a trip to the ER actually happened, so it seems unlikely. In which case the whole song and dance about how she was so violently ill she needed the Zofran right now to avoid a trip to the hospital but the zofran was no where to be found falls apart a bit.

The whole thing raises a reasonable question about whether some part of OP was resentful that she had to pick up the caregiving her sister usually does for a few days and the text was a passive-aggressive way of expressing that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with 2:46. You are taking care of your mom, she is on vacation and irate with you for trying to do a good job which at that moment involves texting her. And YOU are now anxious because she's mad at you.

This is not a good dynamic, OP. You can maintain a good relationship with her and still not let her walk all over you. I know because I used to be a doormat. I got a therapist for something else, and we ended up on this topic, and my therapist would literally give me the words to text, because I had ZERO training on how to establish or keep boundaries. It did not take long for me to learn, but I needed someone to teach me (at 54 years old) that there is something in between saying nothing and going nuclear.

I don’t consider myself a doormat. This is out of the ordinary for her. I have empathy because she and her family live with my mom so she truly hasn’t gotten a break until this week. I can understand her frustration. I agree with previous posters who said this wasn’t really about me, just the situation.

This is huge. You need to apologize profusely, and you need to not bother her for the rest of the time she is away. Her children are watching their grandmother die, have very little in the way of happy family memories of this time, and you want their mother to pay attention to you?

This is a pretty cruel comment. It hurt, I’m not sure if that was your goal.

I didn’t text her because I wanted her attention on me. I texted her because I couldn’t find the Zofran and my mother was so violently sick I was afraid we’d end up on a trip to the ER. I needed her to hold down some food and water so she could take her daily medicine.

And my heart is with my nieces and nephews who are watching their beloved Grandmother die. The same way they were when my kids were young and watched their grandfather die and the same way my heart hurts for my older kids and they also watch their grandmother die. This isn’t easy for anyone. I truly hope you never have to experience this.

She didn’t respond to your text for several hours— did you take your mom to the ER?

If you do not live with your mother at least part time, you do not split the care 50/50. If you are genuinely there 50/50 you know where the medicine is kept. When your mother needs something late at night it is your sister’s responsibility. If her children see their grandmother violently ill it is on her to manage. It’s nice that you “feel for” your young nieces but you couldn’t give them a day with their mother?

I was the kid in this situation. My grandmother lived with us until her death. Very occasionally my aunt would give respite care and my mother and father moved mountains to give us the happy memories of childhood that weren’t overshadowed by someone slowly, painfully, dying. This is incredibly hard on a seven year old.

And whenever something in the least bit out of the way came up, instead of managing it, my aunt called my mother, and my mother left her children playing in the sand/going on a ride/seeing their first ballet to go and manage whatever my aunt decided wasn’t her job.

This is a very good question. OP doesn’t mention a trip to the ER actually happened, so it seems unlikely. In which case the whole song and dance about how she was so violently ill she needed the Zofran right now to avoid a trip to the hospital but the zofran was no where to be found falls apart a bit.

The whole thing raises a reasonable question about whether some part of OP was resentful that she had to pick up the caregiving her sister usually does for a few days and the text was a passive-aggressive way of expressing that.

Wow, how about just backing off OP. She is stressed and dealing with a very difficult situation. I can not believe you guys are jumping on her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with 2:46. You are taking care of your mom, she is on vacation and irate with you for trying to do a good job which at that moment involves texting her. And YOU are now anxious because she's mad at you.

This is not a good dynamic, OP. You can maintain a good relationship with her and still not let her walk all over you. I know because I used to be a doormat. I got a therapist for something else, and we ended up on this topic, and my therapist would literally give me the words to text, because I had ZERO training on how to establish or keep boundaries. It did not take long for me to learn, but I needed someone to teach me (at 54 years old) that there is something in between saying nothing and going nuclear.

I don’t consider myself a doormat. This is out of the ordinary for her. I have empathy because she and her family live with my mom so she truly hasn’t gotten a break until this week. I can understand her frustration. I agree with previous posters who said this wasn’t really about me, just the situation.

This is huge. You need to apologize profusely, and you need to not bother her for the rest of the time she is away. Her children are watching their grandmother die, have very little in the way of happy family memories of this time, and you want their mother to pay attention to you?

This is a pretty cruel comment. It hurt, I’m not sure if that was your goal.

I didn’t text her because I wanted her attention on me. I texted her because I couldn’t find the Zofran and my mother was so violently sick I was afraid we’d end up on a trip to the ER. I needed her to hold down some food and water so she could take her daily medicine.

And my heart is with my nieces and nephews who are watching their beloved Grandmother die. The same way they were when my kids were young and watched their grandfather die and the same way my heart hurts for my older kids and they also watch their grandmother die. This isn’t easy for anyone. I truly hope you never have to experience this.

She didn’t respond to your text for several hours— did you take your mom to the ER?

If you do not live with your mother at least part time, you do not split the care 50/50. If you are genuinely there 50/50 you know where the medicine is kept. When your mother needs something late at night it is your sister’s responsibility. If her children see their grandmother violently ill it is on her to manage. It’s nice that you “feel for” your young nieces but you couldn’t give them a day with their mother?

I was the kid in this situation. My grandmother lived with us until her death. Very occasionally my aunt would give respite care and my mother and father moved mountains to give us the happy memories of childhood that weren’t overshadowed by someone slowly, painfully, dying. This is incredibly hard on a seven year old.

And whenever something in the least bit out of the way came up, instead of managing it, my aunt called my mother, and my mother left her children playing in the sand/going on a ride/seeing their first ballet to go and manage whatever my aunt decided wasn’t her job.

PP, you are projecting on this poor lady. Get a grip. Deal with your own shit instead of putting it on a stranger whose situation you know very little about.

OP stated that sister and family moved in before Mom was sick. She did not move in to care for a sick, dying mother. She moved in because like many of us they were in a bad place during the pandemic and needed a home and assistance with childcare. Now Mom is sick and I’m sure this isn’t what she expected when she moved in with Mom. It sounds like it’s sucks for everyone. OP says she spends 5-6 days a week with her mother while working from home. That seems like she’s pretty hands on. She even offered to move her mother into her home but her Mom didn’t want to (understandably, why should she leave her own home because it’s making her youngest daughter uncomfortable to live with a dying person). OP also said she offered up her house occasionally to her sibling and family so she can get repite.

I’m truly lost at what else you want OP to do aside from go back in time and not text. She seems to regret it, although I personally think it’s no big deal being exasperated but high emotions. If anything OP seems like the reasonable sibling.

If it is that stressful for sister to live with sick mother, she can move. Right? Why is OP responsible for everyone’s decisions?

What else do I think OP should do? She should be responsible for her mother’s care when she is her mothers caregiver. Very low bar. That means knowing where the medicine is— someone who says she does as much care as OP does knows where the Zofran is.

I think she should stop drawing false equivalences. This isn’t as hard on her as it is on her sister. It isn’t as hard on her children as it is on her sister’s children. Yes her sister could move out, but I bet spending her dying months with young grandchildren who will probably have very few memories of her is important to her mom. It is extremely hard to balance giving your dying parent that amazing gift and shielding your children from the horrible side, and OP clearly doesn’t care about those kids.

did it not occur to you that the sister might have moved the medicine somewhere random and that's why op couldn't find it?

If they’re really sharing caregiving duties (like OP really takes on all the care at times) they have a system where they both know where the meds are and don’t move them. The only way this story holds together is if OP really isn’t doing caregiving, she’s “visiting” and letting her sister do the real work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with 2:46. You are taking care of your mom, she is on vacation and irate with you for trying to do a good job which at that moment involves texting her. And YOU are now anxious because she's mad at you.

This is not a good dynamic, OP. You can maintain a good relationship with her and still not let her walk all over you. I know because I used to be a doormat. I got a therapist for something else, and we ended up on this topic, and my therapist would literally give me the words to text, because I had ZERO training on how to establish or keep boundaries. It did not take long for me to learn, but I needed someone to teach me (at 54 years old) that there is something in between saying nothing and going nuclear.

I don’t consider myself a doormat. This is out of the ordinary for her. I have empathy because she and her family live with my mom so she truly hasn’t gotten a break until this week. I can understand her frustration. I agree with previous posters who said this wasn’t really about me, just the situation.

This is huge. You need to apologize profusely, and you need to not bother her for the rest of the time she is away. Her children are watching their grandmother die, have very little in the way of happy family memories of this time, and you want their mother to pay attention to you?

This is a pretty cruel comment. It hurt, I’m not sure if that was your goal.

I didn’t text her because I wanted her attention on me. I texted her because I couldn’t find the Zofran and my mother was so violently sick I was afraid we’d end up on a trip to the ER. I needed her to hold down some food and water so she could take her daily medicine.

And my heart is with my nieces and nephews who are watching their beloved Grandmother die. The same way they were when my kids were young and watched their grandfather die and the same way my heart hurts for my older kids and they also watch their grandmother die. This isn’t easy for anyone. I truly hope you never have to experience this.

She didn’t respond to your text for several hours— did you take your mom to the ER?

If you do not live with your mother at least part time, you do not split the care 50/50. If you are genuinely there 50/50 you know where the medicine is kept. When your mother needs something late at night it is your sister’s responsibility. If her children see their grandmother violently ill it is on her to manage. It’s nice that you “feel for” your young nieces but you couldn’t give them a day with their mother?

I was the kid in this situation. My grandmother lived with us until her death. Very occasionally my aunt would give respite care and my mother and father moved mountains to give us the happy memories of childhood that weren’t overshadowed by someone slowly, painfully, dying. This is incredibly hard on a seven year old.

And whenever something in the least bit out of the way came up, instead of managing it, my aunt called my mother, and my mother left her children playing in the sand/going on a ride/seeing their first ballet to go and manage whatever my aunt decided wasn’t her job.

This is a very good question. OP doesn’t mention a trip to the ER actually happened, so it seems unlikely. In which case the whole song and dance about how she was so violently ill she needed the Zofran right now to avoid a trip to the hospital but the zofran was no where to be found falls apart a bit.

The whole thing raises a reasonable question about whether some part of OP was resentful that she had to pick up the caregiving her sister usually does for a few days and the text was a passive-aggressive way of expressing that.

Wow, how about just backing off OP. She is stressed and dealing with a very difficult situation. I can not believe you guys are jumping on her.

OP is asking how to patch things up with her sister. Whether she may be passive-aggressively expressing resentment toward her sister is a lie intimate question in that context because it would have a big impact on what OP needs to do to fix that (and would help explain the sister’s reaction).

Go ahead and hand-pat OP if it makes you feel good about yourself, but you’re not helping to solve the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with 2:46. You are taking care of your mom, she is on vacation and irate with you for trying to do a good job which at that moment involves texting her. And YOU are now anxious because she's mad at you.

This is not a good dynamic, OP. You can maintain a good relationship with her and still not let her walk all over you. I know because I used to be a doormat. I got a therapist for something else, and we ended up on this topic, and my therapist would literally give me the words to text, because I had ZERO training on how to establish or keep boundaries. It did not take long for me to learn, but I needed someone to teach me (at 54 years old) that there is something in between saying nothing and going nuclear.

I don’t consider myself a doormat. This is out of the ordinary for her. I have empathy because she and her family live with my mom so she truly hasn’t gotten a break until this week. I can understand her frustration. I agree with previous posters who said this wasn’t really about me, just the situation.

This is huge. You need to apologize profusely, and you need to not bother her for the rest of the time she is away. Her children are watching their grandmother die, have very little in the way of happy family memories of this time, and you want their mother to pay attention to you?

This is a pretty cruel comment. It hurt, I’m not sure if that was your goal.

I didn’t text her because I wanted her attention on me. I texted her because I couldn’t find the Zofran and my mother was so violently sick I was afraid we’d end up on a trip to the ER. I needed her to hold down some food and water so she could take her daily medicine.

And my heart is with my nieces and nephews who are watching their beloved Grandmother die. The same way they were when my kids were young and watched their grandfather die and the same way my heart hurts for my older kids and they also watch their grandmother die. This isn’t easy for anyone. I truly hope you never have to experience this.

She didn’t respond to your text for several hours— did you take your mom to the ER?

If you do not live with your mother at least part time, you do not split the care 50/50. If you are genuinely there 50/50 you know where the medicine is kept. When your mother needs something late at night it is your sister’s responsibility. If her children see their grandmother violently ill it is on her to manage. It’s nice that you “feel for” your young nieces but you couldn’t give them a day with their mother?

I was the kid in this situation. My grandmother lived with us until her death. Very occasionally my aunt would give respite care and my mother and father moved mountains to give us the happy memories of childhood that weren’t overshadowed by someone slowly, painfully, dying. This is incredibly hard on a seven year old.

And whenever something in the least bit out of the way came up, instead of managing it, my aunt called my mother, and my mother left her children playing in the sand/going on a ride/seeing their first ballet to go and manage whatever my aunt decided wasn’t her job.

This is a very good question. OP doesn’t mention a trip to the ER actually happened, so it seems unlikely. In which case the whole song and dance about how she was so violently ill she needed the Zofran right now to avoid a trip to the hospital but the zofran was no where to be found falls apart a bit.

The whole thing raises a reasonable question about whether some part of OP was resentful that she had to pick up the caregiving her sister usually does for a few days and the text was a passive-aggressive way of expressing that.

Wow, how about just backing off OP. She is stressed and dealing with a very difficult situation. I can not believe you guys are jumping on her.

There are so many people who have sick/disabled parents, do the bulk of the caregiving, and have a sibling who “helps”. OP has a whole production about how this was so bad for **her** but gives no thought to the person who has it worse.