Sister is irate with me

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I agree with 2:46. You are taking care of your mom, she is on vacation and irate with you for trying to do a good job which at that moment involves texting her. And YOU are now anxious because she's mad at you.

This is not a good dynamic, OP. You can maintain a good relationship with her and still not let her walk all over you. I know because I used to be a doormat. I got a therapist for something else, and we ended up on this topic, and my therapist would literally give me the words to text, because I had ZERO training on how to establish or keep boundaries. It did not take long for me to learn, but I needed someone to teach me (at 54 years old) that there is something in between saying nothing and going nuclear.

I don’t consider myself a doormat. This is out of the ordinary for her. I have empathy because she and her family live with my mom so she truly hasn’t gotten a break until this week. I can understand her frustration. I agree with previous posters who said this wasn’t really about me, just the situation.

This is huge. You need to apologize profusely, and you need to not bother her for the rest of the time she is away. Her children are watching their grandmother die, have very little in the way of happy family memories of this time, and you want their mother to pay attention to you?

This is a pretty cruel comment. It hurt, I’m not sure if that was your goal.

I didn’t text her because I wanted her attention on me. I texted her because I couldn’t find the Zofran and my mother was so violently sick I was afraid we’d end up on a trip to the ER. I needed her to hold down some food and water so she could take her daily medicine.

And my heart is with my nieces and nephews who are watching their beloved Grandmother die. The same way they were when my kids were young and watched their grandfather die and the same way my heart hurts for my older kids and they also watch their grandmother die. This isn’t easy for anyone. I truly hope you never have to experience this.

She didn’t respond to your text for several hours— did you take your mom to the ER?

If you do not live with your mother at least part time, you do not split the care 50/50. If you are genuinely there 50/50 you know where the medicine is kept. When your mother needs something late at night it is your sister’s responsibility. If her children see their grandmother violently ill it is on her to manage. It’s nice that you “feel for” your young nieces but you couldn’t give them a day with their mother?

I was the kid in this situation. My grandmother lived with us until her death. Very occasionally my aunt would give respite care and my mother and father moved mountains to give us the happy memories of childhood that weren’t overshadowed by someone slowly, painfully, dying. This is incredibly hard on a seven year old.

And whenever something in the least bit out of the way came up, instead of managing it, my aunt called my mother, and my mother left her children playing in the sand/going on a ride/seeing their first ballet to go and manage whatever my aunt decided wasn’t her job.

This is a very good question. OP doesn’t mention a trip to the ER actually happened, so it seems unlikely. In which case the whole song and dance about how she was so violently ill she needed the Zofran right now to avoid a trip to the hospital but the zofran was no where to be found falls apart a bit.

The whole thing raises a reasonable question about whether some part of OP was resentful that she had to pick up the caregiving her sister usually does for a few days and the text was a passive-aggressive way of expressing that.

Wow, how about just backing off OP. She is stressed and dealing with a very difficult situation. I can not believe you guys are jumping on her.

There are so many people who have sick/disabled parents, do the bulk of the caregiving, and have a sibling who “helps”. OP has a whole production about how this was so bad for **her** but gives no thought to the person who has it worse.

I think we have a couple of bullies (or maybe one person disguised as two) in this thread, who is intent on beating down on OP no matter what.

It's really pathetic.

I am one poster, the one whose grandmother died in my childhood home. There is at least one other poster and possibly more who have probably lived similar experiences.

It is not bullying to interrogate the reality of a situation like this when someone clearly is seeking attention and sympathy. Her sister called her selfish— her sister has known her a lot longer than we have. OP only later mentioned that her sister is her mothers live-in care, her early post said they “shared care with the help of a nurse.” OP is a not a particularly reliable narrator— very few of us are about our own lives— and if she’s going to actually try to make this better she has to see the perspective and experience of the other person, which is one she seems incredibly disinterested in. Even the fact that her sister is upset is turned around to be about her and her inability to sleep, as though that is the most important part of the story and not why her sister is upset.

OP says “I could have looked harder” and “I don’t blame her”. She knows. She also writes “I apologized.” Unfortunately it is what it is, her sister is angry. Beyond offering a sincere apology which OP did, the only thing left to do is not beat yourself up over it and give the sister some space. This is an incredibly trying time for the both of them.

I do not take this as read. All the OP says is “I apologized”. If her apology looks like the OP did (about how she did all the work when their father had cancer (and her sister was a child.) etc. than her sister likely doesn’t think it was a sincere apology. If she did, she probably wouldn’t have responded to say that OP was behaving selfishly.

OP could try a real sincere apology: no excuses, taking ownership, recognizing that she was wrong. I have not seen her do that here but perhaps she will if her relationship with her sister actually matters to her.

My exact response back was;

“I’m very sorry _____! I did not mean to disturb your vacation. I hope you are all having a great time. All is well now. Mom loves the pictures you’ve sent on the Frameo. Have a blast! Tell _____ we think she looks just like Elsa with her princess makeover. Love you!”

We will talk it out when she returns. She didn’t text back for about a day but now is back to random little texts about the cute thing she’d kids have done and seem. All is well. I promise we love each other. I’m not use to her being angry at me so it just got me all ruffled up. But now you are getting me ruffled up so I’m just going to say goodbye to this thread.

OP, don’t let PP get to you. She’s clearly taking her childhood trauma out on you. It seems like it’s an overall stressful situation and emotions were high. When my mom was dying my siblings and I had outright yelling matches. The grief made us all people we hated. I’m glad to see that you and your sister are in good terms now. Well wishes to you all.

Possibly unsolicited but I learned the hard way that DCUM isn’t a particularly kind or sympathetic place. I understand the want to post anonymously but the anonymity also brings with it some cruel people who will say cruel things. I hope both you and your sister have a good support network outside of one another. Peace to you.

If I’m taking out childhood “trauma” on OP (which I think is less true than I’m not telling her she’s perfect and her sister is evil which some posters seem to think is the requirement) then I would ask what OP is doing to mitigate the fact that her nieces are also going to have childhood trauma from this, and that her sister, who lost a parent as a child unlike OP, has childhood trauma. It still seems to be the case that the only person OP has any empathy for, or thinks anyone should have empathy for is…herself. Ironically the definition of selfishness…

You really need to work on yourself. NP. I hope the thread gets cleaned up, because you are really being a troll in hammering on your points with this absurd presumption that OP is bad/dishonest. You haven’t moved past your experience as a child and your behavior is…childish. Ironically, your harping on your experiences and universalizing them is also an example of….selfishness.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know why so many people are being so mean. There’s so many mean people on this board. Anyway, if you haven’t already, just send her a text saying I’m sorry I disturbed you on your vacation I understand you very much needed deserve a mental break from caregiving. I hope you guys are having a great time. My guess is that she is feeling slightly guilty about snapping your head off. Anyway I think you both just need to move on from this

[Anonymous]

Oh gosh, OP, my heart is breaking for you both for the situation and for some of these awful responses you are getting. It’s a bad situation but I’d 100 percent do the same if my mom was doing poorly and I could not find the medication she needed. Your sisters bliss doesn’t outweigh your mom’s comfort and when someone is going down hill fast of course you panic and don’t know which way things will go.

I have to imagine if your sister is a loving daughter she would not want her mom to suffer either. I would not apologize for texting because I’d definitely do it again, it wasn’t wrong. Maybe recognizing you should have known where all the medication was even the back ups but these things happen. The only thing I’m wondering about is if your text was panicked and made her feel unnecessarily worried about your mom. I have no idea but I’d react differently to a message that said “ hey we are good, and I’m sorry to bother you but where is the zoftan?” And then just make it clear you have everything under control. Whereas if you were texting about taking your mom to the ER, that’s more disruptive.

You sound like a good person who is in a terrible situation and same for your sister. Wishing peace for both of you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know why so many people are being so mean. There’s so many mean people on this board. Anyway, if you haven’t already, just send her a text saying I’m sorry I disturbed you on your vacation I understand you very much needed deserve a mental break from caregiving. I hope you guys are having a great time. My guess is that she is feeling slightly guilty about snapping your head off. Anyway I think you both just need to move on from this

OP should not text her sister again while she is on vacation. She is on vacation, trying to get a break from being a caretaker. Continuing to interrupt her vacation with more drama would be incredibly selfish and disrespectful. This can wait until the sister gets home.

I reported this and encourage everyone who is repulsed by this one insistent poster reports all her crap. It’s enough.

You need a fluckton of therapy. Don’t inflict yourself on people like OP, it’s not warranted.