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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This thread makes me feel much less alone![/quote]

NP and same.  We are having one hell of a time with our teen.  If anything I am the stricter more authoritarian discipline type.  It’s good for me to read these responses because it’s a constant struggle in our house with the kids and our marriage.  DH constantly tells me to back off and do whatever we can to de escalate.  In my eyes, he’s letting the kids do whatever they want and they are falling into self destructive behaviors and depression.  We are all in therapy over this.   I’m trying very hard to back off.  The teen years are HARD.  Thank you all for sharing your stories.  [/quote]

Thanks for posting.  Would like to understand more - is therapy helping?  I believe my DH would benefit from a skills class or maybe even a really good book.  I’m not sure therapy would help. [/quote]

No.  It’s not.  I feel it’s made things worse.  We are all trying but likely interpreting the things said at therapy wrong or too black and white.  It’s causes more tension and divide in the house.

Since I’m the more authoritative style even through I’m a mom, let me ask all of you what you would have done.  Last night was another issue with staying online too late.  I could have let that go but it was noisy with music and various other things to where my younger kids and me are being woken up past 11pm.  After the 100th warning, I said to quiet down or it was gone tomorrow.  DH stepped in to reprimand me that I was making it worse and escalating.   He believes we should give our teen space and I think it’s gotten out of control.  [/quote]

Thanks, I asked the original question and I’m sorry therapy isn’t working.   Thanks for expanding on your perspective.   I agree with 10:29, it feels like your DH has just defaulted to defending your child, no matter what.  And that’s not helpful nor reasonable.  Kids need limits.  I recommend starting some new rules and consequences in place with your DH.  Get his buy in first, and figure out your roles.  For example, DH job is to verify rule has been broken, you are the enforcer and DH lets you do so without further negotiation.  I would start a short list of new rules and each time one is needed, talk it over with your kid, so he is aware.  Maybe you can even all negotiate on a reward (one full week without yelling - kid gets the choice of takeout or something) and consequences for breaking each rule.  And if you can get each one in writing, it might help too in the heat of the moment.

If you can have a few rules, and they start to work, the next time there is a new argument, maybe you can say, can we just figure this out, calmly, without a new rule and without yelling?  That might become an incentive too.

Anyway, just some thoughts.  Good luck, I hope it will pass for all of us and our families will be ok.[/quote]

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