Who’s wrong: in laws and dogs edition

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it the uncles house or the GPS house? Is he going to be there or is he going away for a break?

If he’s going away, he doesn’t have a right to say your MIL has to spend Thanksgiving as a caretaker without anyone for her own support while she’s away from her home. If he will still be there it’s reasonable to think maybe he wanted to spend time with his sister figuring out the way ahead so then inviting the sister is strange, but isn’t the sister a grandchild here?

For the dogs…if you are asking someone to do you a favor, you don’t get to be choosy so again, is it that he’s going away for two weeks and wants to still be in charge? Because the real decision about dogs should be made by the people whose home they will be in. If they’re not in a position to make that kind of basic decision then it’s time for 24 hour care.

It's the grandparent's home but they are really incapable of making any kind of decision. He is their legal guardian or power or attorney or whatever. He will not be there. I think most people in this situation think they should have outside care but for whatever reason that is not happening (they've had hired help in the past but apparently the grandparents made a big fuss about it). This is all about so much more than the dogs though. He really just wants his sister to help with their parents without any strings or conditions (uncle constantly watches them without bringing other people). He doesn't see it as a favor as so much as his sister doing her fair share (which 2 weeks over Thanksgiving is nothing compared to what he does). My wife's sister is completely unhelpful and usually just creates more work in the form of having an additional person to cook for and clean up after. That won't really be his problem in this time since he won't be there, but I wouldn't be surprise if he has to clean up after the dogs when he gets back because the sister always leaves messes behind her.

As I noted in a previous post, my MIL is now saying she won't go up at all. I'm pretty floored by it. She was over yesterday ranting and raving about it and it was all me me me not once a single thought about her parents. Huge family rift now, my wife is considering seriously stepping back from her relationship with her mother. It's all just a sad messy situation.

I am sorry to hear this. Is there a way for your wife to go? Her uncle needs and deserves a break.

Yeah, we're looking in to what we can do. We have a toddler and both work full time so two weeks is rough but seeing if all of us or just her can go for at least a week. I still kind of think my MIL is just having a temper tantrum and will ultimately go, but we'll see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it the uncles house or the GPS house? Is he going to be there or is he going away for a break?

If he’s going away, he doesn’t have a right to say your MIL has to spend Thanksgiving as a caretaker without anyone for her own support while she’s away from her home. If he will still be there it’s reasonable to think maybe he wanted to spend time with his sister figuring out the way ahead so then inviting the sister is strange, but isn’t the sister a grandchild here?

For the dogs…if you are asking someone to do you a favor, you don’t get to be choosy so again, is it that he’s going away for two weeks and wants to still be in charge? Because the real decision about dogs should be made by the people whose home they will be in. If they’re not in a position to make that kind of basic decision then it’s time for 24 hour care.

It's the grandparent's home but they are really incapable of making any kind of decision. He is their legal guardian or power or attorney or whatever. He will not be there. I think most people in this situation think they should have outside care but for whatever reason that is not happening (they've had hired help in the past but apparently the grandparents made a big fuss about it). This is all about so much more than the dogs though. He really just wants his sister to help with their parents without any strings or conditions (uncle constantly watches them without bringing other people). He doesn't see it as a favor as so much as his sister doing her fair share (which 2 weeks over Thanksgiving is nothing compared to what he does). My wife's sister is completely unhelpful and usually just creates more work in the form of having an additional person to cook for and clean up after. That won't really be his problem in this time since he won't be there, but I wouldn't be surprise if he has to clean up after the dogs when he gets back because the sister always leaves messes behind her.

As I noted in a previous post, my MIL is now saying she won't go up at all. I'm pretty floored by it. She was over yesterday ranting and raving about it and it was all me me me not once a single thought about her parents. Huge family rift now, my wife is considering seriously stepping back from her relationship with her mother. It's all just a sad messy situation.

Your MIL sounds like a self absorbed person. At the same time your uncle-in-law is cutting off his nose to spite his face: now instead of getting two weeks of respite care at Thanksgiving so he can recharge and regroup, he has nothing. So now he has to scramble in almost-October to find someone to revise their holiday plans, which isn’t a great situation either. The dogs do not inconvenience your uncle-in-law if he isn’t there. Neither does your sister in law inconvenience your uncle in law if he is not there. He needs to take yes for an answer and not try to control every aspect of this, which is very hard when you’re the primary caregiver.

But your wife needs to butt out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it the uncles house or the GPS house? Is he going to be there or is he going away for a break?

If he’s going away, he doesn’t have a right to say your MIL has to spend Thanksgiving as a caretaker without anyone for her own support while she’s away from her home. If he will still be there it’s reasonable to think maybe he wanted to spend time with his sister figuring out the way ahead so then inviting the sister is strange, but isn’t the sister a grandchild here?

For the dogs…if you are asking someone to do you a favor, you don’t get to be choosy so again, is it that he’s going away for two weeks and wants to still be in charge? Because the real decision about dogs should be made by the people whose home they will be in. If they’re not in a position to make that kind of basic decision then it’s time for 24 hour care.

It's the grandparent's home but they are really incapable of making any kind of decision. He is their legal guardian or power or attorney or whatever. He will not be there. I think most people in this situation think they should have outside care but for whatever reason that is not happening (they've had hired help in the past but apparently the grandparents made a big fuss about it). This is all about so much more than the dogs though. He really just wants his sister to help with their parents without any strings or conditions (uncle constantly watches them without bringing other people). He doesn't see it as a favor as so much as his sister doing her fair share (which 2 weeks over Thanksgiving is nothing compared to what he does). My wife's sister is completely unhelpful and usually just creates more work in the form of having an additional person to cook for and clean up after. That won't really be his problem in this time since he won't be there, but I wouldn't be surprise if he has to clean up after the dogs when he gets back because the sister always leaves messes behind her.

As I noted in a previous post, my MIL is now saying she won't go up at all. I'm pretty floored by it. She was over yesterday ranting and raving about it and it was all me me me not once a single thought about her parents. Huge family rift now, my wife is considering seriously stepping back from her relationship with her mother. It's all just a sad messy situation.

I am sorry to hear this. Is there a way for your wife to go? Her uncle needs and deserves a break.

Yeah, we're looking in to what we can do. We have a toddler and both work full time so two weeks is rough but seeing if all of us or just her can go for at least a week. I still kind of think my MIL is just having a temper tantrum and will ultimately go, but we'll see.

A week is nice. For the parent on the home front, you can treat it as if they are on work travel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it the uncles house or the GPS house? Is he going to be there or is he going away for a break?

If he’s going away, he doesn’t have a right to say your MIL has to spend Thanksgiving as a caretaker without anyone for her own support while she’s away from her home. If he will still be there it’s reasonable to think maybe he wanted to spend time with his sister figuring out the way ahead so then inviting the sister is strange, but isn’t the sister a grandchild here?

For the dogs…if you are asking someone to do you a favor, you don’t get to be choosy so again, is it that he’s going away for two weeks and wants to still be in charge? Because the real decision about dogs should be made by the people whose home they will be in. If they’re not in a position to make that kind of basic decision then it’s time for 24 hour care.

It's the grandparent's home but they are really incapable of making any kind of decision. He is their legal guardian or power or attorney or whatever. He will not be there. I think most people in this situation think they should have outside care but for whatever reason that is not happening (they've had hired help in the past but apparently the grandparents made a big fuss about it). This is all about so much more than the dogs though. He really just wants his sister to help with their parents without any strings or conditions (uncle constantly watches them without bringing other people). He doesn't see it as a favor as so much as his sister doing her fair share (which 2 weeks over Thanksgiving is nothing compared to what he does). My wife's sister is completely unhelpful and usually just creates more work in the form of having an additional person to cook for and clean up after. That won't really be his problem in this time since he won't be there, but I wouldn't be surprise if he has to clean up after the dogs when he gets back because the sister always leaves messes behind her.

As I noted in a previous post, my MIL is now saying she won't go up at all. I'm pretty floored by it. She was over yesterday ranting and raving about it and it was all me me me not once a single thought about her parents. Huge family rift now, my wife is considering seriously stepping back from her relationship with her mother. It's all just a sad messy situation.

I am sorry to hear this. Is there a way for your wife to go? Her uncle needs and deserves a break.

Yeah, we're looking in to what we can do. We have a toddler and both work full time so two weeks is rough but seeing if all of us or just her can go for at least a week. I still kind of think my MIL is just having a temper tantrum and will ultimately go, but we'll see.

Can you care for the dogs and MIL goes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it the uncles house or the GPS house? Is he going to be there or is he going away for a break?

If he’s going away, he doesn’t have a right to say your MIL has to spend Thanksgiving as a caretaker without anyone for her own support while she’s away from her home. If he will still be there it’s reasonable to think maybe he wanted to spend time with his sister figuring out the way ahead so then inviting the sister is strange, but isn’t the sister a grandchild here?

For the dogs…if you are asking someone to do you a favor, you don’t get to be choosy so again, is it that he’s going away for two weeks and wants to still be in charge? Because the real decision about dogs should be made by the people whose home they will be in. If they’re not in a position to make that kind of basic decision then it’s time for 24 hour care.

It's the grandparent's home but they are really incapable of making any kind of decision. He is their legal guardian or power or attorney or whatever. He will not be there. I think most people in this situation think they should have outside care but for whatever reason that is not happening (they've had hired help in the past but apparently the grandparents made a big fuss about it). This is all about so much more than the dogs though. He really just wants his sister to help with their parents without any strings or conditions (uncle constantly watches them without bringing other people). He doesn't see it as a favor as so much as his sister doing her fair share (which 2 weeks over Thanksgiving is nothing compared to what he does). My wife's sister is completely unhelpful and usually just creates more work in the form of having an additional person to cook for and clean up after. That won't really be his problem in this time since he won't be there, but I wouldn't be surprise if he has to clean up after the dogs when he gets back because the sister always leaves messes behind her.

As I noted in a previous post, my MIL is now saying she won't go up at all. I'm pretty floored by it. She was over yesterday ranting and raving about it and it was all me me me not once a single thought about her parents. Huge family rift now, my wife is considering seriously stepping back from her relationship with her mother. It's all just a sad messy situation.

I am sorry to hear this. Is there a way for your wife to go? Her uncle needs and deserves a break.

Yeah, we're looking in to what we can do. We have a toddler and both work full time so two weeks is rough but seeing if all of us or just her can go for at least a week. I still kind of think my MIL is just having a temper tantrum and will ultimately go, but we'll see.

Can you care for the dogs and MIL goes?

There are people who can watch SIL's dogs (namely her in-laws, who have done it in the past) but they are making a stink about it, saying things like you wouldn't tell someone not to bring their children, why would you tell us not to bring our dogs??

[Anonymous]

I’m a dog lover, and previous owner and don’t understand how people don’t get that three large dogs DO make a mess- our last dog passed away 5 years ago and I’m still finding fur woven in places. The reason we don’t have a dog right now is we have a small child and it’s too much work. MIL would be spending her time caring and cleaning after these dogs instead of taking care of ILs, and, as most dog owners are less sensitive to dog-related mess, uncle would end up cleaning or repairing after the fact.

I also get uncle’s pettiness - his life is likely very disrupted all the time by GPs care and needs, and MIL won’t even take the responsibility to inconvenience her life for 2 short weeks.

I’m team uncle, clearly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a dog lover, and previous owner and don’t understand how people don’t get that three large dogs DO make a mess- our last dog passed away 5 years ago and I’m still finding fur woven in places. The reason we don’t have a dog right now is we have a small child and it’s too much work. MIL would be spending her time caring and cleaning after these dogs instead of taking care of ILs, and, as most dog owners are less sensitive to dog-related mess, uncle would end up cleaning or repairing after the fact.

I also get uncle’s pettiness - his life is likely very disrupted all the time by GPs care and needs, and MIL won’t even take the responsibility to inconvenience her life for 2 short weeks.

I’m team uncle, clearly.

I’m a poster above and I’m also team uncle but my response is based less on “who is right” and more “would the uncle like two weeks of respite from being the caretaker or not?”. None of us can dictate the terms of OPs mother in law doing this, so I think he either decides to take his sister up on the offer she made, rather than the offer he wants, or he doesn’t.

[Anonymous]

Obviously the dogs are a NO, but if it wasn’t the dogs, I think it would have been something else that started the argument. It doesn’t really seem to me that this is really about dogs.

[Anonymous]

So ops wife here and when my uncle first brought up this dog drama to me I asked him what he would prefer: my mom to go up with dogs coming or her to totally bail on going as that’s what I predicted would be her reaction. The dogs apparently were a sticking point for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So ops wife here and when my uncle first brought up this dog drama to me I asked him what he would prefer: my mom to go up with dogs coming or her to totally bail on going as that’s what I predicted would be her reaction. The dogs apparently were a sticking point for him.

Then your uncle cares more about control than he does about needing break. You don’t get to dictate the terms under which someone does you a favor, and if he’s guardian/PoA than at the end of the day he’s decided this is his responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So ops wife here and when my uncle first brought up this dog drama to me I asked him what he would prefer: my mom to go up with dogs coming or her to totally bail on going as that’s what I predicted would be her reaction. The dogs apparently were a sticking point for him.

Then your uncle cares more about control than he does about needing break. You don’t get to dictate the terms under which someone does you a favor, and if he’s guardian/PoA than at the end of the day he’s decided this is his responsibility.

A favor? Taking care of her own parents for two weeks when her brother and nephew handle it all the other 50 weeks of he year? They’re not even her dogs! People can be so G-d self centered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No to the dogs. Even if a passive aggressive zing - just no.

Are you going to pay to put dogs in kennel? I am a dog owner and even if you paid for a kennel, I would not leave my dogs in a kennel for that long. Love me, love my dog

I love my dogs and I just let a relative stay in my house with their three large dogs, and I think you are ridiculous.

Neat. Thanks for sharing. Want a cookie?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No to the dogs. Even if a passive aggressive zing - just no.

Are you going to pay to put dogs in kennel? I am a dog owner and even if you paid for a kennel, I would not leave my dogs in a kennel for that long. Love me, love my dog

Having a dog means having to kennel them sometimes or finding a friend to take care of them.

I would not board my dogs for two weeks. And expecting the mother to be without her family on Thanksgiving so he can go on vacation is 100% unreasonable of the uncle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So ops wife here and when my uncle first brought up this dog drama to me I asked him what he would prefer: my mom to go up with dogs coming or her to totally bail on going as that’s what I predicted would be her reaction. The dogs apparently were a sticking point for him.

Then your uncle cares more about control than he does about needing break. You don’t get to dictate the terms under which someone does you a favor, and if he’s guardian/PoA than at the end of the day he’s decided this is his responsibility.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So ops wife here and when my uncle first brought up this dog drama to me I asked him what he would prefer: my mom to go up with dogs coming or her to totally bail on going as that’s what I predicted would be her reaction. The dogs apparently were a sticking point for him.

Then your uncle cares more about control than he does about needing break. You don’t get to dictate the terms under which someone does you a favor, and if he’s guardian/PoA than at the end of the day he’s decided this is his responsibility.

A favor? Taking care of her own parents for two weeks when her brother and nephew handle it all the other 50 weeks of he year? They’re not even her dogs! People can be so G-d self centered.

Yes, providing respite care is a favor. Even if I think (and I do) that MIL is self absorbed, giving up Thanksgiving in her own home is a big ask. Her brother controls all of the finances and so has the ability to pay caregivers, he and his parents have decided that doesn’t work for them. At this point, when it’s 24 hour care and the other parties are refusing all reasonable solutions such as assisted living and hired help, it’s a favor not an obligation.

Once you ask for a favor you cannot set the conditions under which it is carried out unless those conditions matter more than the favor as they do in this case. Uncle in law has the option to have his sister stay with their parents OR he has the option to have everything done his way. He doesn’t have both.