Who’s wrong: in laws and dogs edition

[Anonymous]

Large messy dogs have no part in helping to care for elderly people who are, by definition, a FALL RISK. NO.

[Anonymous]

No dogs.

But I also bet that MIL is upset about this situation and thinks the parents should be in a home. So she's being passive aggressive about helping. We had this situation with my grandparents. Half of her kids wanted her in assisted living and the other half though everyone should take turns proving nonstop care. The kids were basically at an impasse.

[Anonymous]

Not everyone likes dogs, large or small. no dogs.

[Anonymous]

I love my dogs and bring them with me when I visit family. I ASK permission first. I would never bring my dogs where they are not wanted. I just would not go.

Your MIL is TA. Tell your wife to stay the H out of it.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think your MIL is wrong to want other people to join her since it’s over a holiday, and for two weeks. But then again, in my family, anyone else potentially coming would know to expect to do a lot of work helping with the grandparents and anything else that needs doing around the house. But bringing two dogs into a strange home where elderly people in need of care live? Yeah, sounds like your MIL and SIL are not the type that are doing this to provide caretaking. And your MIL now refusing to go since she isn’t getting her way? TA.

I hope your wife’s uncle and the cousin inherit everything and never speak to your MIL again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think your MIL is wrong to want other people to join her since it’s over a holiday, and for two weeks. But then again, in my family, anyone else potentially coming would know to expect to do a lot of work helping with the grandparents and anything else that needs doing around the house. But bringing two dogs into a strange home where elderly people in need of care live? Yeah, sounds like your MIL and SIL are not the type that are doing this to provide caretaking. And your MIL now refusing to go since she isn’t getting her way? TA.

I hope your wife’s uncle and the cousin inherit everything and never speak to your MIL again.

I agree with you. This is so much more than just about dogs even though if the uncle says no dogs, then no dogs. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for mother-in-law to want people over during the holidays either. But I think there’s much more to this than meets the eye.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don’t understand how you could view your wife’s uncle as in the wrong here at all. Your MIL and SIL are clearly entitled idiots and should not be foisting giant messy dogs on frail elderly people and their caretakers. Your wife can stay out of it if she likes, but the only reasonable person to side with is the uncle.

OP here: I’m generally team uncle but was then thinking the dogs would probably be staying in the guest house so maybe it wouldn’t be a big deal. And also it’s thanksgiving so I understand why my MIL would want more family there. I’m also trying to be more empathetic towards my MIL. But yes, it’s always a thing with her that when she’s “helping” she has to have annoying additional things that makes it better for her but more annoying for whomever she is helping.

Re: other questions and comments. The family tried to get them in assisted living in DC area where most of the family is but they were and still are very resistant. Covid only helped their argument ab staying in their home as we all saw how it ran through nursing homes. It’s also actually the cousin (not the uncle’s child, uncle in question is single w no children) who takes on most of the care. He’s doing it voluntarily since his grandparents practically raised him but we all feel the worst for him taking on so much.

My wife also enjoys getting involved in the family drama. It’s like a family past time on her side. She says this is just the messed up family dynamic she grew up with and doesn’t want to raise our kids that way.

Thanks for the update. Your posts are interesting in that they show that part of you is a step or two ahead of what you are portraying. You know that the caretaker cousin deserves to have the final say, and you know that your wife’s desire to sink her teeth into this drama is straight up wrong. Please just do the right thing and also tell DW she can do much better than the way she was raised. Don’t lose focus of the vulnerable people here, please. This is really your time to step up and help this dysfunctional family do better.

Well said and completely agreed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No to the dogs. Even if a passive aggressive zing - just no.

Are you going to pay to put dogs in kennel? I am a dog owner and even if you paid for a kennel, I would not leave my dogs in a kennel for that long. Love me, love my dog

[Anonymous]

It's time to put elderly people in full care home or hire 24-hour care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No to the dogs. Even if a passive aggressive zing - just no.

Are you going to pay to put dogs in kennel? I am a dog owner and even if you paid for a kennel, I would not leave my dogs in a kennel for that long. Love me, love my dog

I love my dogs and I just let a relative stay in my house with their three large dogs, and I think you are ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Is it the uncles house or the GPS house? Is he going to be there or is he going away for a break?

If he’s going away, he doesn’t have a right to say your MIL has to spend Thanksgiving as a caretaker without anyone for her own support while she’s away from her home. If he will still be there it’s reasonable to think maybe he wanted to spend time with his sister figuring out the way ahead so then inviting the sister is strange, but isn’t the sister a grandchild here?

For the dogs…if you are asking someone to do you a favor, you don’t get to be choosy so again, is it that he’s going away for two weeks and wants to still be in charge? Because the real decision about dogs should be made by the people whose home they will be in. If they’re not in a position to make that kind of basic decision then it’s time for 24 hour care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it the uncles house or the GPS house? Is he going to be there or is he going away for a break?

If he’s going away, he doesn’t have a right to say your MIL has to spend Thanksgiving as a caretaker without anyone for her own support while she’s away from her home. If he will still be there it’s reasonable to think maybe he wanted to spend time with his sister figuring out the way ahead so then inviting the sister is strange, but isn’t the sister a grandchild here?

For the dogs…if you are asking someone to do you a favor, you don’t get to be choosy so again, is it that he’s going away for two weeks and wants to still be in charge? Because the real decision about dogs should be made by the people whose home they will be in. If they’re not in a position to make that kind of basic decision then it’s time for 24 hour care.

It's the grandparent's home but they are really incapable of making any kind of decision. He is their legal guardian or power or attorney or whatever. He will not be there. I think most people in this situation think they should have outside care but for whatever reason that is not happening (they've had hired help in the past but apparently the grandparents made a big fuss about it). This is all about so much more than the dogs though. He really just wants his sister to help with their parents without any strings or conditions (uncle constantly watches them without bringing other people). He doesn't see it as a favor as so much as his sister doing her fair share (which 2 weeks over Thanksgiving is nothing compared to what he does). My wife's sister is completely unhelpful and usually just creates more work in the form of having an additional person to cook for and clean up after. That won't really be his problem in this time since he won't be there, but I wouldn't be surprise if he has to clean up after the dogs when he gets back because the sister always leaves messes behind her.

As I noted in a previous post, my MIL is now saying she won't go up at all. I'm pretty floored by it. She was over yesterday ranting and raving about it and it was all me me me not once a single thought about her parents. Huge family rift now, my wife is considering seriously stepping back from her relationship with her mother. It's all just a sad messy situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Major drama unfolding in my wife’s family. Her grandparents are very elderly/senile and need care. They also live somewhat far away in a popular vacation destination. So far the primary caregivers have been my wife’s uncle and cousin (the grandparents do not like “stranger” caregivers that the family has hired). The uncle asked my wife’s mother to take care of them for two weeks over thanksgiving and she agreed. My MIL then invited my wife’s sister and husband and their two massive dogs. The uncle said no to the dogs, saying they will make a mess that he will ultimately have to clean up. They are indeed large messy dogs, but apparently his frustration primarily stems from what he sees as his sister not helping enough with the parents and her treating it like a vacation every time she does go up. Anyway, big fight between the uncle and my MIL ensues. My wife is also getting drawn into the drama and picking sides. I think it’s all kind of ridiculous and can see how both sides are TA. Wondering what other outside observers think.

no dogs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No to the dogs. Even if a passive aggressive zing - just no.

Are you going to pay to put dogs in kennel? I am a dog owner and even if you paid for a kennel, I would not leave my dogs in a kennel for that long. Love me, love my dog

Having a dog means having to kennel them sometimes or finding a friend to take care of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it the uncles house or the GPS house? Is he going to be there or is he going away for a break?

If he’s going away, he doesn’t have a right to say your MIL has to spend Thanksgiving as a caretaker without anyone for her own support while she’s away from her home. If he will still be there it’s reasonable to think maybe he wanted to spend time with his sister figuring out the way ahead so then inviting the sister is strange, but isn’t the sister a grandchild here?

For the dogs…if you are asking someone to do you a favor, you don’t get to be choosy so again, is it that he’s going away for two weeks and wants to still be in charge? Because the real decision about dogs should be made by the people whose home they will be in. If they’re not in a position to make that kind of basic decision then it’s time for 24 hour care.

It's the grandparent's home but they are really incapable of making any kind of decision. He is their legal guardian or power or attorney or whatever. He will not be there. I think most people in this situation think they should have outside care but for whatever reason that is not happening (they've had hired help in the past but apparently the grandparents made a big fuss about it). This is all about so much more than the dogs though. He really just wants his sister to help with their parents without any strings or conditions (uncle constantly watches them without bringing other people). He doesn't see it as a favor as so much as his sister doing her fair share (which 2 weeks over Thanksgiving is nothing compared to what he does). My wife's sister is completely unhelpful and usually just creates more work in the form of having an additional person to cook for and clean up after. That won't really be his problem in this time since he won't be there, but I wouldn't be surprise if he has to clean up after the dogs when he gets back because the sister always leaves messes behind her.

As I noted in a previous post, my MIL is now saying she won't go up at all. I'm pretty floored by it. She was over yesterday ranting and raving about it and it was all me me me not once a single thought about her parents. Huge family rift now, my wife is considering seriously stepping back from her relationship with her mother. It's all just a sad messy situation.

I am sorry to hear this. Is there a way for your wife to go? Her uncle needs and deserves a break.