Who’s wrong: in laws and dogs edition

[Anonymous]

He is burning out. Anyone exploring his wishes or expressing an interest in maintaining his health and wellbeing? They may not want stranger care, but they don't get to destroy his life in the process.

[Anonymous]

MIL was wrong to invite anyone, let alone the dogs. She agreed to help her brother care for their parents, not add to his burden by inviting houseguests to vacation.

[Anonymous]

I would yes to the dogs if there is a professional cleaning after them and before the uncle gets back.

But the real problem is: the current situation is not sustainable, so what is being done about that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is burning out. Anyone exploring his wishes or expressing an interest in maintaining his health and wellbeing? They may not want stranger care, but they don't get to destroy his life in the process.

+1 We went through this with my FIL who also didn't like 'strange' caregivers. It nearly broke my marriage with DH who was burned out trying to help his father. Too bad, so sad if the grandparents don't want 'strange' caregivers. They should move to assisted living if they don't like it.

And, the MIL should NEVER have invited others much less 2 dogs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don’t understand how you could view your wife’s uncle as in the wrong here at all. Your MIL and SIL are clearly entitled idiots and should not be foisting giant messy dogs on frail elderly people and their caretakers. Your wife can stay out of it if she likes, but the only reasonable person to side with is the uncle.

OP here: I’m generally team uncle but was then thinking the dogs would probably be staying in the guest house so maybe it wouldn’t be a big deal. And also it’s thanksgiving so I understand why my MIL would want more family there. I’m also trying to be more empathetic towards my MIL. But yes, it’s always a thing with her that when she’s “helping” she has to have annoying additional things that makes it better for her but more annoying for whomever she is helping.

Re: other questions and comments. The family tried to get them in assisted living in DC area where most of the family is but they were and still are very resistant. Covid only helped their argument ab staying in their home as we all saw how it ran through nursing homes. It’s also actually the cousin (not the uncle’s child, uncle in question is single w no children) who takes on most of the care. He’s doing it voluntarily since his grandparents practically raised him but we all feel the worst for him taking on so much.

My wife also enjoys getting involved in the family drama. It’s like a family past time on her side. She says this is just the messed up family dynamic she grew up with and doesn’t want to raise our kids that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Major drama unfolding in my wife’s family. Her grandparents are very elderly/senile and need care. They also live somewhat far away in a popular vacation destination. So far the primary caregivers have been my wife’s uncle and cousin (the grandparents do not like “stranger” caregivers that the family has hired). The uncle asked my wife’s mother to take care of them for two weeks over thanksgiving and she agreed. My MIL then invited my wife’s sister and husband and their two massive dogs. The uncle said no to the dogs, saying they will make a mess that he will ultimately have to clean up. They are indeed large messy dogs, but apparently his frustration primarily stems from what he sees as his sister not helping enough with the parents and her treating it like a vacation every time she does go up. Anyway, big fight between the uncle and my MIL ensues. My wife is also getting drawn into the drama and picking sides. I think it’s all kind of ridiculous and can see how both sides are TA. Wondering what other outside observers think.

The sister needs to board her dogs (possibly with you?). It is unfair for her to bring the dogs and then to expect the uncle and cousin to clean up after them. Your wife needs to support the uncle and cousin who are the caregivers. And she needs to toe the line to whatever they say. They are doing the heavy lifting and she needs to support them in whatever they need. Your role is to help your wife understand that she needs to prioritize the needs and wants of the two men doing the heavy lifting and that she needs to tell her sister that the dogs are a no go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don’t understand how you could view your wife’s uncle as in the wrong here at all. Your MIL and SIL are clearly entitled idiots and should not be foisting giant messy dogs on frail elderly people and their caretakers. Your wife can stay out of it if she likes, but the only reasonable person to side with is the uncle.

OP here: I’m generally team uncle but was then thinking the dogs would probably be staying in the guest house so maybe it wouldn’t be a big deal. And also it’s thanksgiving so I understand why my MIL would want more family there. I’m also trying to be more empathetic towards my MIL. But yes, it’s always a thing with her that when she’s “helping” she has to have annoying additional things that makes it better for her but more annoying for whomever she is helping.

Re: other questions and comments. The family tried to get them in assisted living in DC area where most of the family is but they were and still are very resistant. Covid only helped their argument ab staying in their home as we all saw how it ran through nursing homes. It’s also actually the cousin (not the uncle’s child, uncle in question is single w no children) who takes on most of the care. He’s doing it voluntarily since his grandparents practically raised him but we all feel the worst for him taking on so much.

My wife also enjoys getting involved in the family drama. It’s like a family past time on her side. She says this is just the messed up family dynamic she grew up with and doesn’t want to raise our kids that way.

Does your wife understand that by getting involved that she IS indeed raising her kids that way? She is modeling the behavior.

[Anonymous]

SIL pays a cleaning service to be done after she leaves. In the meantime wife has a chat with her mother about the realities of care and if the extra people are going to be a help or a burden.

[Anonymous]

big fight between the uncle and my MIL

That's all that matter. Those are the only people for whom this matters. It's between them.
Neither you nor your wife have a role

[Anonymous]

You can’t just bring large animals with you to stay in someone’s home and expect that it will be fine. It’s not fine. It’s very, very rude.

Not really any “other side” to this one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL was wrong to invite anyone, let alone the dogs. She agreed to help her brother care for their parents, not add to his burden by inviting houseguests to vacation.

This!

Even the sister isn’t welcome, let alone her DH, let alone their pets!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your wife should stay out of it unless she is offering to help out.

Yes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don’t understand how you could view your wife’s uncle as in the wrong here at all. Your MIL and SIL are clearly entitled idiots and should not be foisting giant messy dogs on frail elderly people and their caretakers. Your wife can stay out of it if she likes, but the only reasonable person to side with is the uncle.

OP here: I’m generally team uncle but was then thinking the dogs would probably be staying in the guest house so maybe it wouldn’t be a big deal. And also it’s thanksgiving so I understand why my MIL would want more family there. I’m also trying to be more empathetic towards my MIL. But yes, it’s always a thing with her that when she’s “helping” she has to have annoying additional things that makes it better for her but more annoying for whomever she is helping.

Re: other questions and comments. The family tried to get them in assisted living in DC area where most of the family is but they were and still are very resistant. Covid only helped their argument ab staying in their home as we all saw how it ran through nursing homes. It’s also actually the cousin (not the uncle’s child, uncle in question is single w no children) who takes on most of the care. He’s doing it voluntarily since his grandparents practically raised him but we all feel the worst for him taking on so much.

My wife also enjoys getting involved in the family drama. It’s like a family past time on her side. She says this is just the messed up family dynamic she grew up with and doesn’t want to raise our kids that way.

Thanks for the update. Your posts are interesting in that they show that part of you is a step or two ahead of what you are portraying. You know that the caretaker cousin deserves to have the final say, and you know that your wife’s desire to sink her teeth into this drama is straight up wrong. Please just do the right thing and also tell DW she can do much better than the way she was raised. Don’t lose focus of the vulnerable people here, please. This is really your time to step up and help this dysfunctional family do better.

[Anonymous]

Why is this your wife's issue - will she be there?

It's best to stay out of family drama whenever possible.

[Anonymous]

Another update: my MIL is apparently refusing to go now. We're looking to see if we can make something work on our end....