Changing children’s last name to biological mom who used sperm donor

[Anonymous]

Not sure if you live in Maryland, OP, but each state will have different rules. Here is Maryland: https://www.peoples-law.org/correcting-or-changing-name-maryland-birth-certificate

You may want to consult with a family law attorney and formalize some of your arrangements (What if ex-BF wants you and the kids to move out? What if he wants visitation? Would you ask for child support?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let the kids keep their name.

File for child support. He's the legal father.

This is not true. A birth certificate is not a legally binding document in that way. Since the bf is not biologically related he would have had to do a second parent adoption to become the legal father. You guys need to stop giving legal advice when you have no clue. -A person who has used donor sperm

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let the kids keep their name.

File for child support. He's the legal father.

This is not true. A birth certificate is not a legally binding document in that way. Since the bf is not biologically related he would have had to do a second parent adoption to become the legal father. You guys need to stop giving legal advice when you have no clue. -A person who has used donor sperm

Birth certificates establish a legal relationship of responsibility for the child. If you want to undo that for lack of biological connection, you need a paternity test.

There is no biological test to get onto a birth certificate if you do it at the time of the birth.

State laws vary, so unless OP and PP are in the same state, PP’s experience isn’t necessarily relevant.

https://www.lawforfamilies.com/5449951-remove-fathers-name-birth-certificate.html

[Anonymous]

Are your kids aware of what the situation is? If they are, ask them how they feel about their last name. But if he is raising them as the father, then I don't see how you have the final word in this. Could you hyphenate the last name even though you're not married?

[Anonymous]

Another donor mom here. OP I feel for your inner turmoil but PPs recognizing that this is about you, not your kids, are spot on. You have a ton of personal issues at play: your acceptance of your IVF journey, shedding cultural guilt/baggage, your father's ill health. These issues are real and challenging, and you deserve the space to process them. But kindly, upending things for your kids isn't the way to do that. Because family secrets don't stay secret forever (IME), something tells me these kids will learn their origin eventually, and maybe they'll want to change their name then. Who knows? But it should be their choice.

In the meantime, your bigger question is do you want to stay with this guy? This sounds like a relationship born of necessity that has run its course. I don't hear any attachment to him in your post. I'd examine that and be honest. Ten more years is a long time to stay with someone you no longer love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another donor mom here. OP I feel for your inner turmoil but PPs recognizing that this is about you, not your kids, are spot on. You have a ton of personal issues at play: your acceptance of your IVF journey, shedding cultural guilt/baggage, your father's ill health. These issues are real and challenging, and you deserve the space to process them. But kindly, upending things for your kids isn't the way to do that. Because family secrets don't stay secret forever (IME), something tells me these kids will learn their origin eventually, and maybe they'll want to change their name then. Who knows? But it should be their choice.

In the meantime, your bigger question is do you want to stay with this guy? This sounds like a relationship born of necessity that has run its course. I don't hear any attachment to him in your post. I'd examine that and be honest. Ten more years is a long time to stay with someone you no longer love.

OP here. I agree that this has come into play because of me and what I am going through at the moment. I do not want to stay with him, we are roommates now, but I don't want the kids to suffer in any way. He is not a financial provider at all and that makes me feel hugely resentful. On the other hand, I would be even more resentful if he were their biological father. I can tell myself I am like a single mom financially and try to have no expectations. I am not ready to upend my kids lives because I made a poor choice. I am leaning towards putting my last name as their middle name. At least they will then have mine and my family's name in theirs. Eventually, I will have to figure out the birth certificate issue. And yes, the kids need to know the truth. Thank you for your kindness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another donor mom here. OP I feel for your inner turmoil but PPs recognizing that this is about you, not your kids, are spot on. You have a ton of personal issues at play: your acceptance of your IVF journey, shedding cultural guilt/baggage, your father's ill health. These issues are real and challenging, and you deserve the space to process them. But kindly, upending things for your kids isn't the way to do that. Because family secrets don't stay secret forever (IME), something tells me these kids will learn their origin eventually, and maybe they'll want to change their name then. Who knows? But it should be their choice.

In the meantime, your bigger question is do you want to stay with this guy? This sounds like a relationship born of necessity that has run its course. I don't hear any attachment to him in your post. I'd examine that and be honest. Ten more years is a long time to stay with someone you no longer love.

OP here. I agree that this has come into play because of me and what I am going through at the moment. I do not want to stay with him, we are roommates now, but I don't want the kids to suffer in any way. He is not a financial provider at all and that makes me feel hugely resentful. On the other hand, I would be even more resentful if he were their biological father. I can tell myself I am like a single mom financially and try to have no expectations. I am not ready to upend my kids lives because I made a poor choice. I am leaning towards putting my last name as their middle name. At least they will then have mine and my family's name in theirs. Eventually, I will have to figure out the birth certificate issue. And yes, the kids need to know the truth. Thank you for your kindness.

You said he pays for your housing. Stop diminishing his financial support for your children. And you.

[Anonymous]

You said he pays for your housing. Stop diminishing his financial support for your children. And you.


OP here. I didn't give details, but his mom gives him a check every month for the condo. So it's his family who gives him financial support. I didn't know this either. And he chose not to tell me. Anyway, I am working through the financial resentment, but it's hard. He spends most of his time at home.

[Anonymous]

You said he pays for your housing. Stop diminishing his financial support for your children. And you.
OP here. I didn't give details, but his mom gives him a check every month for the condo. So it's his family who gives him financial support. I didn't know this either. And he chose not to tell me. Anyway, I am working through the financial resentment, but it's hard. He spends most of his time at home.

He’s still providing you and your children a place to live, rent free. You don’t seem to understand the significant financial benefit you are getting.

Why not move into your own place and pay for your housing?

[Anonymous]

OP here. I have offered to pay for half the housing. At this point I am not ready to upend my kids lives and prefer to stay like roommates. Thanks for everyone’s comments

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems like an exceedingly reckless and poor choice to voluntarily give an ex b/f parental rights. It would be one thing if you guys decided to live together for a few years and it worked out well and then you consented to an adoption but you took a huge and unnecessary risk here. It seems, perhaps, that it has worked out well since you guys live together I assume he is involved and a decent father otherwise you would have said so but it could have very well gone the other way.

This story is confusing to me. If he would not commit to you, after years, why would you chain your kids to him legally?

No one in your family needs to see that birth certificate, so I don’t get why you had to alter it for them.

Is what you did even legal? Did he agree to it?

Do your kids think he is their biological father? If so, please get therapy around how to tell them the truth, which they deserve. Forget about any name change until they are old enough to weigh in. (Otherwise, you are weaponizing your kids to hurt your partner.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have offered to pay for half the housing. At this point I am not ready to upend my kids lives and prefer to stay like roommates. Thanks for everyone’s comments

Sure, why not. You’re getting free housing. It’s a great deal for you and lets you start socking away your income to be able to move out and support your kids/yourself independently.

[Anonymous]

OP you really need to explain how you managed to get into this mess in the first place if you want help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You said he pays for your housing. Stop diminishing his financial support for your children. And you.


OP here. I didn't give details, but his mom gives him a check every month for the condo. So it's his family who gives him financial support. I didn't know this either. And he chose not to tell me. Anyway, I am working through the financial resentment, but it's hard. He spends most of his time at home.

It does not matter where he gets the money. He is providing housing for you and the kids. If he is on the birth certificate, he is the legal father and the courts will hold him accountable. If you are unhappy rent or buy your own place and move. What is the issue? What do you resent? You said he is not the father, so he has no obligations to these kids. But, yet, he is on the birth certificate which you did, so you committed him to actual obligations and didn't think it though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many unkind people here. I think it’s understandable to want them to have your last name but I think you need to think about how they feel about it.

really unkind.
sorry OP.
basically she wanted to be a single mother by choice, was in a relationship but not ready for that level of committment, and you are shaming her?

I would think what it means to the kids.

Sorry. I don't think people are being mean to the OP. They are just pointing out that kids are individuals in their own right, regardless of how they are conceived.