Changing children’s last name to biological mom who used sperm donor

[Anonymous]

I had twins via anonymous sperm donor at the age of 44. An ex-boyfriend wanted to co-parent with me. Eight years in we are still living together and raising the children. We co-parent well, but he provides no financial support. I pay for all the kids private school tuition, activities, travel, clothes, medical care, etc. Though we live together in his condo which he pays for. At one point, he said he would marry me, and I believed it, but that never happened and now I don’t want that anymore due to his serious debts and our roommate relationship. I have a decade left with him before the kids go to college.

I was naive and filled with cultural shame (I was raised in a conservative culture) and so I put his name on the birth certificate as the father. He said he wanted that, and I gave in. I also gave the children his last name.

And now, I want the following:

* Change their last name to my name.

I want the kids to have my last name. I feel that I gave them his last name out of shame of using an anonymous sperm donor and not wanting to leave the father’s name blank on the birth certificate. But I no longer feel any shame. And I think I was fearful that he wouldn’t want to raise the kids with me if I didn’t give them his last name. I have no fear anymore. And I know what I did on the birth certificate was not right. Now, I am proud of my IVF journey which I did all by myself.

Is this understandable? I am just looking for some feedback from others before I approach the conversation of changing their last name with him. I am feeling this very acutely right now because my father is in ill health, and these are his only grandchildren. My kids are very close to my dad and it would be even more special that his name would be passed onto his grandkids.

(Eventually, I will want to amend the birth certificate itself to the truth, but that is not my concern at this moment.)

Thank you for any feedback.

[Anonymous]

It will only be possible to change the last name if he agrees. Also I don’t see how you will remove him from the birth certificate. It’s hard to terminate parental rights.

[Anonymous]

I would wait and either decide on this a year after your father has passed away, or when your children are old enough to have a say in what they wish. He is their father figure and they may wish to keep the name.

[Anonymous]

How old are the kids? I wouldn't change their name if they are old enough that it would be disruptive and confusing to them. If they are like toddlers it's fine.

[Anonymous]

What a train wreck!!!

[Anonymous]

So many unkind people here. I think it’s understandable to want them to have your last name but I think you need to think about how they feel about it.

[Anonymous]

It’s the last name of your kids now, not your ex’s name. Would of course be ridiculous to change their last name at 8 years old. And paying for housing IS contributing financially. If he’s on the birth certificate he’s their father and has parental rights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids? I wouldn't change their name if they are old enough that it would be disruptive and confusing to them. If they are like toddlers it's fine.

8. Why can’t people read before they ask questions?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many unkind people here. I think it’s understandable to want them to have your last name but I think you need to think about how they feel about it.

The unkind one is the OP.

[Anonymous]

It’s not understandable. He is their father, you made that just as if you had allowed him to adopt the kids. Going back on that decision would be an evil thing to do.

[Anonymous]

What is the kids relationship with this man? Do they call him dad? Does he treat them as his children?

[Anonymous]

Wow. This is not about you or your father, but the kids. She should have thought it through before. You could have given them a hyphenated last name or your last name as the middle. It’s too little too late. And, even if he is not giving you financial support, it sounds like he is doing a good job co-parenting, so I would leave well enough alone.

[Anonymous]

How does providing a home not count as financial support? I am baffled.

[Anonymous]

I am also a single mom by choice who used a sperm donor and did IVF, so I feel like I have some street cred here. Your kids are 8 years old. This is no longer about your journey. It’s not about your dad. It’s THEIR last name. Full stop. If they have the idea — fully on their own — to change their names when they are adults, so be it. But you committed to this man and are raising kids with him. Even if you part ways with him now, the kids keep his last night. That ship has sailed.

And get thee to a therapist. I don’t think you’re crazy but I do think you’re in turmoil.

[Anonymous]

The “dad” should look into taking custody of these kids.