Pre-marriage due diligence checklist
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Anonymous
| 1 or 2 kids only. 3 kids are complete chaos. |
Anonymous
You don’t want a marriage. You want a limited liability company incorporated in Delaware. |
Anonymous
No one should marry this person unless they don’t want kids. |
Anonymous
| Your checklist doesn’t matter. You can be 100% compatible according to your checklist and still end up divorced eventually. Because among other things, people change. |
Anonymous
| What is missing in this discussion is also self awareness. Who are you at your worst? What about your, your family, your career etc will create challenges. Relationships are more about the dynamic between two people and less about the individual. Something that is no issue with one partner becomes a big issue with another partner or a weakness you have becomes a major issue when your partner has the same one etc. It is less about a checklist for either of you and more about what aspects of the two of you will be good together and what will be challenges. |
Anonymous
| A question I never thought to ask before marriage but should have is what is your sexuality and gender identity? Have you ever questioned or struggled with those things? You may think you have found the perfect partner only to be blindsided after marriage. |
Anonymous
This is good. I saw a piece of advice once -- "never challenge someone's self-delusion." Dark but sound advice. Even for people who are generally self-aware. Also: "Don't go to bed angry" is bad advice. "Sleep never makes anything worse" is better advice. |
Anonymous
| I would go back in time and ask for a full mental health review going back several generations. Depression, substance abuse and various addictive tendencies have a strong genetic component. |
Anonymous
|
Rather than questions, observe behavior.
How does your potential future mate interact with their family? Are there feelings of guilt and obligation? Does your partner place parents’ needs over your needs or their own needs? Is their family of origin high conflict or conflict avoidant? Having a difficult family isn’t a deal breaker if someone has examined that (with therapy) and has healthy boundaries. Do you trust your partner deeply? My spouse and I have both ended up having temporary medical conditions that have required we help each other with injectable prescriptions. It takes a lot of vulnerability, trust, and willingness to take care of each other to get through illness, but chances are that we’ll all end up temporarily or permanently experiencing some level of disability as we age. A lot of women end up with stoic men who are good providers but who lack any sort of sensitivity toward their emotional needs. How does your potential mate prioritize work? There are no wrong answers, only compatibility issues. Are you ok trading off quality time for income, or is it more important that your spouse has a career track and boundaries that allow for quality time together when needed. If your mate has already chosen big law or medicine as a career, are you comfortable that it will take away from family time, even at holidays and life milestones? |
Anonymous
| T |
Anonymous
But you are crazy if you think love is enough. I don't think it is weird for OP to crowd source this. Some people don't think of stuff until it is too late. For example, DH and I never talked about WHEN we had kids. We both agreed on 2-3 with him leaning more toward 2 and me leaning more toward 3, but both fully accepting the others number. But we did not talk about when. Timing worked out and we were in full agreement as to when to start trying and got pregnant quickly. But I know plenty of couples where the timing ended up being a huge issue. Also, where to settle and build your life together. This can be a huge problem for some couples who grew up in totally different areas of the country or world and are fine with where they are when they meet but not staying there forever. OP, finances are one of the biggest things that couples fight over. So lots of questions on that, but also as someone else said, just making observations is helpful, too, to see if you are similar. |
Anonymous
| 4 pages in yet nobody has mentioned sexual compatibility |
Anonymous
Just fyi, I did all of this and months of precana etc. He just totally lied about himself. And I should have realized the checklist and caring about each other wasn't enough. It lasted 18 years. Oh well. |
Anonymous
PP here. Yes, I think this part was somewhat missing. Although with all the lies, who knows. |
Anonymous
Because that's not something you can ask, only experience. I think the problem with a lot of this is that people can say all sorts of things. You really know someone from their behavior. I don't care if someone tells you all day what a good person they are, etc - you know if someone behaves like a good person. The questions are for things that are not observable. But even then, as people have said, things can change, people can lie, etc. |