Pre-marriage due diligence checklist
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Anonymous
| For those married or divorced, what questions would you ask your potential spouse before marriage? E.g., financial or health issues. I’m currently dating with the intention of marriage, and want to learn from others’ experiences. Thanks! |
Anonymous
| On the financial piece I guess there are some things you might ask regarding debts and assets but IMHO it's more important to observe the person. Observe how they spend money (i.e. do they go out to eat a lot or pack their lunch). Not necessarily good or bad either way but just making sure their financial values are aligned with your own. |
Anonymous
| Kids: how many, when, what do you expect to happen when they come along? |
Anonymous
| Have they been married before? What happened? |
Anonymous
|
Let me see your finances - debts, savings, spending habits, etc. Is he cheap? Is he going to buy a Rolex on a random Tuesday?
Not something you can ask, but look at his temper over the coarse of at LEAST a year - how does he handle frustration, anger, sadness, road rage, embarrassment - if a stranger engages and tries to start a fight does he de-escalate or get into it? Is he civic minded? Does he vote? Volunteer? Donate time/money/resources? Recycle? Compost? Drugs/alcohol - is whatever his usage is, something you're comfortable with? How does personality change when using? Responsible driver? Longevity of relationships - how long has he been friends with his oldest friend? Close with extended family members? Career - does he have a plan? Is it realistic? Is he kind to people at work? Does he support coworkers or step on them to get ahead? Does he treat people "under" him respectfully? misogynist/feminist - is he whatever aligns with your beliefs? Lifestyle - is it compatible with yours? Or is he a city person while you want to live on a farm? Is he someone who always needs to be busy and you want a lot of down time? Does he want to go to monster truck things while you want to go to the opera? Does he want to spend every weekend with family while you want to visit once a year? Do you want vacations to be in a cabin on a lake and he wants to travel around European cities? Kids - do you both want the same #? are you on the same page with lifestyle for kids? Goodwill clothes until they're 15 or Janie and Jack? Will you both spank? Safety: does he lock doors and you never do? Does he let anyone into the house and you are suspicious of everyone? |
Anonymous
| Will you exclusively breastfeed my child unless there are medical complications that prevent it? |
Anonymous
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So you are trying to figure out if your significant other checks all the boxes, but you don't even know what the boxes should be?
Do you love this person enough to spend the rest of your life with them? How about we start with that. |
Anonymous
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In addition to the *excellent* list above, are you open to IVF if you can’t conceive? It’s a tough thing that has to be put on the woman, and you need to make sure you’re on the same page.
My DH and I showed each other our credit scores and bank balances. (after engagement) |
Anonymous
This excellent list. |
Anonymous
| Do you like their family? Do they like you? How does their family handle conflict? How is their family different from yours? Does your family like your significant other? What expectations do each of you have for including each of your families in your married life (whether or not you have kids)? |
Anonymous
| OP, whatever due diligence you do, know that you can only do so much. People change over the course of a marriage, sometimes for better, sometimes for worse. Things happen in life that change you as a person. You can't foresee everything. All you can do is try to get a good sense of who they are at their core, the values that are important to them, and their goals/ideas about life--and hopefully most of it stays consistent over the course of your marriage. |
Anonymous
So, this actually could have been a red flag in my marriage, but how do you learn something like that? My ex did not work from home, and I definitely wasn't privy to his work interactions. The way he described his days at work did not cause any concerns, and his career has been progressing reasonably well at that point. |
Anonymous
NP and meh I don't think that's really meaningful. I've seen people that are jerks at work that are great to their families. I've seen people that are jerks to the people that work directly under them but that are super nice to their admin assistants and other entry level support staff. Some of how "nice" someone is will also be a function of how stressful their job is such as, for example, biglaw partners being ruthless about demanding deadlines but they're also often getting the same pressure from the clients. |
Anonymous
I'm the OP of the list above, and here are things I noticed about my then-boyfriend (now DH): We met while he was in law school and I was in college. He did summer internships at law firms for two summers. 1. Any time he was going out for a coffee, he asked the secretary he sat near if she wanted anything from Dunkin' or Starbucks. The night before his last day he wrote out thank you cards to each person at the firm who'd helped him - the mail room people, a few secretaries, etc. 2. He told me about being upset when he got to sit in on a meeting with a client and a male partner kept interrupting any woman who spoke, and vowed he wouldn't be like that. 3. I overheard him on a few late night calls with other interns and when one helped him significantly, he told me he was adding that intern's name to the memo so they'd get the credit the deserved. Little things like that. |
Anonymous
Religion...are you the same, are you both observant? Neither observant, not important? What religion do you want any kids to be? |