Pre-marriage due diligence checklist

[Anonymous]

If you are going to be the primary earner get a prenup. Keep all assets separate during marriage. Both parties should sign an alimony waiver.
Make sure both parties have a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Married for 30 years. Neither of us had been married before. For us, being on the same page financially was important. We made agreements in the beginning and never went back on them.

At the time agreeing that we’d have kids seemed important but in retrospect it wasn’t. Despite it being really important before we married, we both went back and forth so many times on if, when and how many. (We have three with the first coming after 14 years of marriage - seriously a lot of back and forth on the if).

I think the biggest reasons we’re successful and happy has to do with the way we treat each other and that we are both willing to do things for the other even if we don’t want to or it’s difficult (like visiting in laws). We don’t keep score of who does what and we both are always working to make things easier for the other. So if you can figure out how you will be treated and how you will treat your spouse, that might be helpful. Like if it’s important that your spouse do half of everything, it’s good to know if they are on the same page.

[Anonymous]

You really need to understand what s/he learned about marriage from his/her family/ parents. For example, was there cheating? if so, was it treated as legitimate by the cheating parent? How was he treated by them? If there are issues, s/he could do therapy pre marriage but do not think that vowing to be different alone works. After 20-25 years things usually hit the wall if they don’t have the background or have not done the work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I teach my kids to get a medical history of their SO's family. If I'd known all the mental disorders rife in my husband's family, I wouldn't have married him. My oldest inherited them, and it completely changed our lives.

There are so many differences in opinions and personalities and values that can be surmounted in life. But you can't fight your genetic inheritance.

+100

[Anonymous]

If he or his family has mental health issues, get a therapist and learn really learn about how those impact people. As someone with no real mental health issues on my side I was totally ignorant of the life long toll it takes. How deeply deeply seeded it is. How it impacts their lives so mega it’ll yet they seem powerless and illogical. Understand all you can and then try and stretch your brain even more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me see your finances - debts, savings, spending habits, etc. Is he cheap? Is he going to buy a Rolex on a random Tuesday?
Not something you can ask, but look at his temper over the coarse of at LEAST a year - how does he handle frustration, anger, sadness, road rage, embarrassment - if a stranger engages and tries to start a fight does he de-escalate or get into it?
Is he civic minded? Does he vote? Volunteer? Donate time/money/resources? Recycle? Compost?
Drugs/alcohol - is whatever his usage is, something you're comfortable with? How does personality change when using? Responsible driver?
Longevity of relationships - how long has he been friends with his oldest friend? Close with extended family members?
Career - does he have a plan? Is it realistic? Is he kind to people at work? Does he support coworkers or step on them to get ahead? Does he treat people "under" him respectfully?
misogynist/feminist - is he whatever aligns with your beliefs?
Lifestyle - is it compatible with yours? Or is he a city person while you want to live on a farm? Is he someone who always needs to be busy and you want a lot of down time? Does he want to go to monster truck things while you want to go to the opera? Does he want to spend every weekend with family while you want to visit once a year? Do you want vacations to be in a cabin on a lake and he wants to travel around European cities?
Kids - do you both want the same #? are you on the same page with lifestyle for kids? Goodwill clothes until they're 15 or Janie and Jack? Will you both spank?
Safety: does he lock doors and you never do? Does he let anyone into the house and you are suspicious of everyone?

So, this actually could have been a red flag in my marriage, but how do you learn something like that? My ex did not work from home, and I definitely wasn't privy to his work interactions. The way he described his days at work did not cause any concerns, and his career has been progressing reasonably well at that point.

I'm the OP of the list above, and here are things I noticed about my then-boyfriend (now DH): We met while he was in law school and I was in college. He did summer internships at law firms for two summers.

1. Any time he was going out for a coffee, he asked the secretary he sat near if she wanted anything from Dunkin' or Starbucks. The night before his last day he wrote out thank you cards to each person at the firm who'd helped him - the mail room people, a few secretaries, etc.
2. He told me about being upset when he got to sit in on a meeting with a client and a male partner kept interrupting any woman who spoke, and vowed he wouldn't be like that.
3. I overheard him on a few late night calls with other interns and when one helped him significantly, he told me he was adding that intern's name to the memo so they'd get the credit the deserved.

Little things like that.

I’m a partner in big law, and honestly the things you describe above to me are, and would have been, red flags as having an inflated sense of self. Any summer associate with self awareness knows that it would be incredibly patronizing for you to offer to buy the assistants coffee. By offering, you’d effectively be suggesting you’re somehow up the pecking order from them. I know attorneys with these types of traits and they can sometimes make good attorneys, but I rarely find them redeeming people. I’m assuming you’re still happily with this person so it Just goes to show that everyone’s checklist is going to be different. (I would hazard a guess that you became a sahm pretty early in your marriage because guys like this like to be top dog).

You’d be wrong- I work full time.

[Anonymous]

$$$ will be an issue. Even if you don’t consider yourself materialistic. Make sure you want and value the same things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, whatever due diligence you do, know that you can only do so much. People change over the course of a marriage, sometimes for better, sometimes for worse. Things happen in life that change you as a person. You can't foresee everything. All you can do is try to get a good sense of who they are at their core, the values that are important to them, and their goals/ideas about life--and hopefully most of it stays consistent over the course of your marriage.

Yes. It’s great to prepare as much as you can, knowing that things change and being flexible is important.

[Anonymous]

What are they like at their absolute worst? Because you will definitely see this and have to deal with it. Ask yourself what do you plan to do when they aren’t there for you as a partner? If you don’t believe in divorce then never get married.

[Anonymous]

Important things to be in agreement on.

Financial philosophy / saving, spending etc

Family philosophy. If you’re pretty young and don’t have firm ideas yet about kids yet that’s fine, as long as you agree

Communication. This is the big one l learned after being married for 20 years then divorcing. My ex could not have a difficult conversation. He just shut down. I figured out that this is his his family is. I tried for some years to improve this, and we did couples therapy a few times, but then l stopped trying. Not taking care of the hard stuff early is a killer. If you have already weathered some storms with good communication prior to marriage that’s a good thing. I do recommend living together for at least a year before setting a wedding date.

[Anonymous]

Are you adventurous in bed?
No - Run for tye hills.
Yes - Just how adventurous are you in bed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not a question, but observe his family - how they interact with each other, their health habits, how his siblings feel about your children (if you want your child to have cousins). I did not spend much time with my husband's family before we got married. While there are certainly exceptions, most people become in middle age like their parents were in middle age. Use that time machine to your advantage.

Yep - really look at that. Have they taken care of themselves, or are they overweight/in poor health? Are they still sexually active (with each other)?

Because that is almost certainly your future.

[Anonymous]

Be open to the idea that you really don't know how many kids you want until you have your first and experience parenthood. I actually suggest you have fewer kids than you originally planned.

Seriously.

We thought we wanted 2 but didn't really have a good reason for it other than siblings are the norm and there's some stigma against only children.

Moms' marital satisfaction goes down after each kid but only recovers fully after the first. Having a single child is a route to marital harmony and keeping the adult parts of your life intact without much disruption or expense, while still experiencing the joys of parenthood (and the challenges too -- it's easiER, but still not always easy!).

[Anonymous]

Watch how he talks and interacts with his mother
Does he talk trash about his ex girlfriends
Does he respect your family as well
Is it all about him, or is he also open to meeting your friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Will you exclusively breastfeed my child unless there are medical complications that prevent it?

Yes, yes I will and I did.

Marry the man who will be the best father and you are set. Such men are generous, help with domestic chores, save money for college, save money for retirement. can support a SAHM spouse, value the mother of their children .