Pre-marriage due diligence checklist

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Will you exclusively breastfeed my child unless there are medical complications that prevent it?

+1

[Anonymous]

Can he share his feelings proactively? Or just echo you back?

Can he make weekend of vacation plans that make sense? Or you do that all?

Can he pick up after himself? Clean things? Tidy up? Or pay someone else to do that.

Is he a team player to solve problems or find solutions? Or blame you and nothing gets resolved?

Can he have a real conversation with children or adults? Or divert convos to work or his special interests or just listen/say nothing?

[Anonymous]

No offense, but I've generally found that women who asks these types of questions lack a sense of self and don't really understand their own values and priorities and why. These checklists end up being useless - garbage in, garbage out.

So I'd start with yourself first, then go from there.

[Anonymous]

How old are you both? What you need to know varies by age.

I would be careful about asking questions about how someone will act or be or what they will want in future hypothetical situations. Those change with time and the reality of the situation. I think it is dangerous to hold people to things they told you about hypothetical wants / actions years before in a different context.

Do you want children - a good question. Expecting them to commit to a number of children before they have ever been a parent and without knowing what the first child(ren) you have will be like sets you up for resentment. People's perspectives change with time and experience and that is a good thing!

[Anonymous]

If his family is crazy (and aren’t most of our families crazy?), can he see the ways in while they are crazy and has he made a commitment to himself to raise his own children differently? Or does he think the way his family interacts is normal and acceptable or even funny and really hasn’t done the work to avoid repeating it?

[Anonymous]

Religion was a big one.You know how much little religion plays in your life now, what about if you have kids, what if either of you becomes more or less religious? It’s also not just what someone answers but what is their why.

You have to figure out is what are the things are up for compromise, what are the hard boundaries, how does the person communicate when there is conflict. From there you have to gauge if you are aligned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me see your finances - debts, savings, spending habits, etc. Is he cheap? Is he going to buy a Rolex on a random Tuesday?
Not something you can ask, but look at his temper over the coarse of at LEAST a year - how does he handle frustration, anger, sadness, road rage, embarrassment - if a stranger engages and tries to start a fight does he de-escalate or get into it?
Is he civic minded? Does he vote? Volunteer? Donate time/money/resources? Recycle? Compost?
Drugs/alcohol - is whatever his usage is, something you're comfortable with? How does personality change when using? Responsible driver?
Longevity of relationships - how long has he been friends with his oldest friend? Close with extended family members?
Career - does he have a plan? Is it realistic? Is he kind to people at work? Does he support coworkers or step on them to get ahead? Does he treat people "under" him respectfully?
misogynist/feminist - is he whatever aligns with your beliefs?
Lifestyle - is it compatible with yours? Or is he a city person while you want to live on a farm? Is he someone who always needs to be busy and you want a lot of down time? Does he want to go to monster truck things while you want to go to the opera? Does he want to spend every weekend with family while you want to visit once a year? Do you want vacations to be in a cabin on a lake and he wants to travel around European cities?
Kids - do you both want the same #? are you on the same page with lifestyle for kids? Goodwill clothes until they're 15 or Janie and Jack? Will you both spank?
Safety: does he lock doors and you never do? Does he let anyone into the house and you are suspicious of everyone?

So, this actually could have been a red flag in my marriage, but how do you learn something like that? My ex did not work from home, and I definitely wasn't privy to his work interactions. The way he described his days at work did not cause any concerns, and his career has been progressing reasonably well at that point.

I'm the OP of the list above, and here are things I noticed about my then-boyfriend (now DH): We met while he was in law school and I was in college. He did summer internships at law firms for two summers.

1. Any time he was going out for a coffee, he asked the secretary he sat near if she wanted anything from Dunkin' or Starbucks. The night before his last day he wrote out thank you cards to each person at the firm who'd helped him - the mail room people, a few secretaries, etc.
2. He told me about being upset when he got to sit in on a meeting with a client and a male partner kept interrupting any woman who spoke, and vowed he wouldn't be like that.
3. I overheard him on a few late night calls with other interns and when one helped him significantly, he told me he was adding that intern's name to the memo so they'd get the credit the deserved.

Little things like that.

I’m a partner in big law, and honestly the things you describe above to me are, and would have been, red flags as having an inflated sense of self. Any summer associate with self awareness knows that it would be incredibly patronizing for you to offer to buy the assistants coffee. By offering, you’d effectively be suggesting you’re somehow up the pecking order from them. I know attorneys with these types of traits and they can sometimes make good attorneys, but I rarely find them redeeming people. I’m assuming you’re still happily with this person so it Just goes to show that everyone’s checklist is going to be different. (I would hazard a guess that you became a sahm pretty early in your marriage because guys like this like to be top dog).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Will you exclusively breastfeed my child unless there are medical complications that prevent it?

Bizarre.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me see your finances - debts, savings, spending habits, etc. Is he cheap? Is he going to buy a Rolex on a random Tuesday?
Not something you can ask, but look at his temper over the coarse of at LEAST a year - how does he handle frustration, anger, sadness, road rage, embarrassment - if a stranger engages and tries to start a fight does he de-escalate or get into it?
Is he civic minded? Does he vote? Volunteer? Donate time/money/resources? Recycle? Compost?
Drugs/alcohol - is whatever his usage is, something you're comfortable with? How does personality change when using? Responsible driver?
Longevity of relationships - how long has he been friends with his oldest friend? Close with extended family members?
Career - does he have a plan? Is it realistic? Is he kind to people at work? Does he support coworkers or step on them to get ahead? Does he treat people "under" him respectfully?
misogynist/feminist - is he whatever aligns with your beliefs?
Lifestyle - is it compatible with yours? Or is he a city person while you want to live on a farm? Is he someone who always needs to be busy and you want a lot of down time? Does he want to go to monster truck things while you want to go to the opera? Does he want to spend every weekend with family while you want to visit once a year? Do you want vacations to be in a cabin on a lake and he wants to travel around European cities?
Kids - do you both want the same #? are you on the same page with lifestyle for kids? Goodwill clothes until they're 15 or Janie and Jack? Will you both spank?
Safety: does he lock doors and you never do? Does he let anyone into the house and you are suspicious of everyone?

So, this actually could have been a red flag in my marriage, but how do you learn something like that? My ex did not work from home, and I definitely wasn't privy to his work interactions. The way he described his days at work did not cause any concerns, and his career has been progressing reasonably well at that point.

NP and meh I don't think that's really meaningful. I've seen people that are jerks at work that are great to their families. I've seen people that are jerks to the people that work directly under them but that are super nice to their admin assistants and other entry level support staff. Some of how "nice" someone is will also be a function of how stressful their job is such as, for example, biglaw partners being ruthless about demanding deadlines but they're also often getting the same pressure from the clients.

For real. My own father was incredibly kind to strangers but cruel to his own family. My own husband isn’t that nice to strangers but adores me and treats me well.

[Anonymous]

Read the relationship section. Note where things go wrong. Things like division of household labor, expectations of time with extended family, money etc.

[Anonymous]

What is their capacity to forgive? Do they hold grudges?

[Anonymous]

Not a question, but observe his family - how they interact with each other, their health habits, how his siblings feel about your children (if you want your child to have cousins). I did not spend much time with my husband's family before we got married. While there are certainly exceptions, most people become in middle age like their parents were in middle age. Use that time machine to your advantage.

[Anonymous]

I teach my kids to get a medical history of their SO's family. If I'd known all the mental disorders rife in my husband's family, I wouldn't have married him. My oldest inherited them, and it completely changed our lives.

There are so many differences in opinions and personalities and values that can be surmounted in life. But you can't fight your genetic inheritance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me see your finances - debts, savings, spending habits, etc. Is he cheap? Is he going to buy a Rolex on a random Tuesday?
Not something you can ask, but look at his temper over the coarse of at LEAST a year - how does he handle frustration, anger, sadness, road rage, embarrassment - if a stranger engages and tries to start a fight does he de-escalate or get into it?
Is he civic minded? Does he vote? Volunteer? Donate time/money/resources? Recycle? Compost?
Drugs/alcohol - is whatever his usage is, something you're comfortable with? How does personality change when using? Responsible driver?
Longevity of relationships - how long has he been friends with his oldest friend? Close with extended family members?
Career - does he have a plan? Is it realistic? Is he kind to people at work? Does he support coworkers or step on them to get ahead? Does he treat people "under" him respectfully?
misogynist/feminist - is he whatever aligns with your beliefs?
Lifestyle - is it compatible with yours? Or is he a city person while you want to live on a farm? Is he someone who always needs to be busy and you want a lot of down time? Does he want to go to monster truck things while you want to go to the opera? Does he want to spend every weekend with family while you want to visit once a year? Do you want vacations to be in a cabin on a lake and he wants to travel around European cities?
Kids - do you both want the same #? are you on the same page with lifestyle for kids? Goodwill clothes until they're 15 or Janie and Jack? Will you both spank?
Safety: does he lock doors and you never do? Does he let anyone into the house and you are suspicious of everyone?

So, this actually could have been a red flag in my marriage, but how do you learn something like that? My ex did not work from home, and I definitely wasn't privy to his work interactions. The way he described his days at work did not cause any concerns, and his career has been progressing reasonably well at that point.

I'm the OP of the list above, and here are things I noticed about my then-boyfriend (now DH): We met while he was in law school and I was in college. He did summer internships at law firms for two summers.

1. Any time he was going out for a coffee, he asked the secretary he sat near if she wanted anything from Dunkin' or Starbucks. The night before his last day he wrote out thank you cards to each person at the firm who'd helped him - the mail room people, a few secretaries, etc.
2. He told me about being upset when he got to sit in on a meeting with a client and a male partner kept interrupting any woman who spoke, and vowed he wouldn't be like that.
3. I overheard him on a few late night calls with other interns and when one helped him significantly, he told me he was adding that intern's name to the memo so they'd get the credit the deserved.

Little things like that.

I’m a partner in big law, and honestly the things you describe above to me are, and would have been, red flags as having an inflated sense of self. Any summer associate with self awareness knows that it would be incredibly patronizing for you to offer to buy the assistants coffee. By offering, you’d effectively be suggesting you’re somehow up the pecking order from them. I know attorneys with these types of traits and they can sometimes make good attorneys, but I rarely find them redeeming people. I’m assuming you’re still happily with this person so it Just goes to show that everyone’s checklist is going to be different. (I would hazard a guess that you became a sahm pretty early in your marriage because guys like this like to be top dog).

How is offering to get a coffee for someone an indication of an inflated sense of self?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not a question, but observe his family - how they interact with each other, their health habits, how his siblings feel about your children (if you want your child to have cousins). I did not spend much time with my husband's family before we got married. While there are certainly exceptions, most people become in middle age like their parents were in middle age. Use that time machine to your advantage.

THIS. If you don’t feel emotional warmth and comfort with his family, especially his parents, it’s not going to be good. People behave under stress as they learned to behave in their families.