Almost got into an accident, how to deal with in-laws?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I actually wanted him to reach out, either directly or via others, especially because he felt bad right away. He didn't apologize until he was called out. Like a previous PP said, maybe he was hoping I didn't recognize him. That was what I meant about showing his character. Mistakes happen, but willingly owning up to it goes a long way.

I will keep an eye on PPD/anxiety. Thanks to those who pointed this out.

But here’s the thing. If most people recognize that the healthy response is something like “wow, that was scary. Glad it wasn’t an actual accident. Time to move on with my day and be extra careful because I can’t rely on everyone else to be perfect 100% of the time.” Then most people wouldn’t think to reach out and apologize to someone whose contact info they don’t even have. It’s not necessarily a lack of character, it’s more like not making a mountain out of a molehill. I’m sure he felt bad that he made a mistake, but I’m also pretty sure that because it was a non issue, he forgot about it quickly until he was reminded of it when his wife’s brother called to complain about a thing that could’ve happened but didn’t. So he probably responded more apologetically than usual because it’s becoming a big deal and more people are getting involved, where typically people would resolve to be more careful and move on with their day.

I would agree with this except he was outraged when the same thing happened to him.

You need help. You can't let any part of this go. You are going to punish this man for being an imperfect human and not apologizing to you in the moment in the way you wanted him to? I see why your they are not close with you. This likely isn't the first time you've had an out of line reaction.

If you are not suffering from PPD/A, you are suffering from something else.

+1
You're perseverating on this and digging yourself in to be more outraged and make bigger and more negative judgments about this guy's whole character. It's excessive. Sometimes people make mistakes when driving, and I guarantee you have, too. No one was hurt, he said he felt bad. Let it go. Get over yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guarantee many PPs routinely cut people off. They can't waste their precious time to contact family, they won't wait for pedestrians. They chalk it up to a mistake, forget soon after, then make the same judgement call again.

OP, it was scary. Try to let it go. Seek help if you need to.

You are just as nuts as the OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guarantee many PPs routinely cut people off. They can't waste their precious time to contact family, they won't wait for pedestrians. They chalk it up to a mistake, forget soon after, then make the same judgement call again.

OP, it was scary. Try to let it go. Seek help if you need to.

Why are you accusing us of things you have no idea about when you’re giving the same advice as we are?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks all for the advice. I'm working on letting it go but having a hard time. I keep thinking about what could've happened to my baby. It was a scary situation and being a first time mom isn't making it easier.

To PPs:
I don't have BIL's #, nor does he have mine. DH and SIL would've found out anyway if we asked them for it.

I don't have expectations now. What's done is done. After hearing his explanation and him knowing it was me when he made the turn, I wished he had handled things differently before and after. I understand that's out of my control, so I'm telling myself that when people show you who they are, believe them. I'm sure the same goes for him re me now. I think I'll have to treat him like that 'family' member you have to deal with on holidays as I'm working on letting it go.

Jeez, OP, you are really showing us who YOU are. Just STOP. This is not about his character. But you might need to work on your character.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have to agree that you are overreacting. I would hope you don’t feel like you have to avoid him going forward at family events! That’s way overkill here, especially since he apologized and acknowledged feeling bad. Do you tend to hold on to hurts for a long time, or expect perfection in others?

OP here. No, I certainly don't expect perfection from others. I expect a basic level of human decency, which apparently is higher than other people's. Most recently, BIL was dealing with job issues. When I heard, I passed along contacts I had in his industry. To me, that's what families do, help each other out, even if we're not close. (Yes, I know the communication in this family is weird. Everything goes through DH/SIL re kids, MIL/FIL, etc. It's just the way it is.)

Anyways, reading through the comments here have been oddly therapeutic. I'm continuing on walks with my baby. We go through the same intersection. I'm feeling fine and staying vigilant. I'm letting go. Just wanted to come back here and give an update.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have to agree that you are overreacting. I would hope you don’t feel like you have to avoid him going forward at family events! That’s way overkill here, especially since he apologized and acknowledged feeling bad. Do you tend to hold on to hurts for a long time, or expect perfection in others?

OP here. No, I certainly don't expect perfection from others. I expect a basic level of human decency, which apparently is higher than other people's. Most recently, BIL was dealing with job issues. When I heard, I passed along contacts I had in his industry. To me, that's what families do, help each other out, even if we're not close. (Yes, I know the communication in this family is weird. Everything goes through DH/SIL re kids, MIL/FIL, etc. It's just the way it is.)

Anyways, reading through the comments here have been oddly therapeutic. I'm continuing on walks with my baby. We go through the same intersection. I'm feeling fine and staying vigilant. I'm letting go. Just wanted to come back here and give an update.

Stop with the self-righteousness. You can go on all you want about human decency and how well you treat family. But when your family member offered you an apology and expressed feeling bad about an incident that did not result in any harm to you, you didn’t accept it and went off on his poor character. Think about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have to agree that you are overreacting. I would hope you don’t feel like you have to avoid him going forward at family events! That’s way overkill here, especially since he apologized and acknowledged feeling bad. Do you tend to hold on to hurts for a long time, or expect perfection in others?

OP here. No, I certainly don't expect perfection from others. I expect a basic level of human decency, which apparently is higher than other people's. Most recently, BIL was dealing with job issues. When I heard, I passed along contacts I had in his industry. To me, that's what families do, help each other out, even if we're not close. (Yes, I know the communication in this family is weird. Everything goes through DH/SIL re kids, MIL/FIL, etc. It's just the way it is.)

Anyways, reading through the comments here have been oddly therapeutic. I'm continuing on walks with my baby. We go through the same intersection. I'm feeling fine and staying vigilant. I'm letting go. Just wanted to come back here and give an update.

OP, I have a relative like you. You don't expect perfection, but you expect the world to live by your rules and your standards. Those who don't, are wrong. You offend easily and then become difficult to deal with as you expect the world and others to cater to you and your standards. You don't care to learn what other people's standards. You have "the right way or the highway" attitude and judge those who don't live by your standards and the world around you has to walk on eggshells for fear of violating one of your unwritten judgmental rules. You have a arrogance and condescension that you and your ways are always right. BIL had job problems, so you magnanimously passed on job contacts. I bet if he was appropriately grateful for your unasked for help, that you would have been upset and felt that he wasn't appropriately groveling to your magnanimity.

People like you are exhausting. Frankly, you would be doing your in-laws a favor by distancing yourself from them. Then they wouldn't always be waiting for the other shoe to drop in every encounter with you.

I hope you do a little introspection on yourself and figure out how to be more accepting of people as they are and not expect the world to live to your standards.

[Anonymous]

OP when you are carrying a baby around on your front, everything seems about that. But for the rest of the world it isn't. I completely understand you're upset but no on was hurt and you have to let it go.

[Anonymous]

Call the cops and report his license number.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have to agree that you are overreacting. I would hope you don’t feel like you have to avoid him going forward at family events! That’s way overkill here, especially since he apologized and acknowledged feeling bad. Do you tend to hold on to hurts for a long time, or expect perfection in others?

OP here. No, I certainly don't expect perfection from others. I expect a basic level of human decency, which apparently is higher than other people's. Most recently, BIL was dealing with job issues. When I heard, I passed along contacts I had in his industry. To me, that's what families do, help each other out, even if we're not close. (Yes, I know the communication in this family is weird. Everything goes through DH/SIL re kids, MIL/FIL, etc. It's just the way it is.)

Anyways, reading through the comments here have been oddly therapeutic. I'm continuing on walks with my baby. We go through the same intersection. I'm feeling fine and staying vigilant. I'm letting go. Just wanted to come back here and give an update.

I reread your first post after reading this update and had to double check, nothing actually happened here. He came close to you in a cross walk. There wasn’t an accident. You were startled. But nothing actually happened and you expected him to call you.

I also tried to figure out the actual relationship since that wasn’t clear. He’s not your husband’s brother. He’s your husband’s sister’s husband. I guess I’ve never thought of my husband’s sister’s husband as my BIL. We both married into the family but us, ourselves, aren’t actually related. Sure, we are friendly but is this guy even your BIL? That’s another discussion.

[Anonymous]

^now I’m thinking about my sister’s husband’s brother. What would you consider that? I consider us also not related. What do you think, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anyways, reading through the comments here have been oddly therapeutic. I'm continuing on walks with my baby. We go through the same intersection. I'm feeling fine and staying vigilant. I'm letting go. Just wanted to come back here and give an update.

OMG, you are still going on walks with your baby, even after this seismic event?! You really are a strong, heroic woman.

Make sure to talk for years to come about how brave you were in overcoming this major thing.

[Anonymous]

I think you are overreacting because you know you were partially at fault. You admitted you knew it was a problematic intersection. So you know cars have trouble taking left turns and often turn while people are walking. A reasonable person would be cautious crossing there, looking at traffic and being ready to adjust thier speed. The fact you had your baby means you should have been extra cautious. It sounds like you walked quickly across without looking. Had a car come close to you, realized you were partially at fault and now want to blame your BIL to alleviate your own guilt.

People are human. We all make mistakes. Both you and your BIL did. Forgive both of you and move on, and be more cautious in the future.

[Anonymous]

He’s ashamed. He knows he made a mistake. Be glad and don’t make things worse.

Oh and yes, around here you really do have to look left and right the whole time you are crossing a street. I tell my kids to make sure they have eye contact with the drivers.

[Anonymous]

Let it go OP. He owned up to it and apologized. Are you always this uptight?